TIT BITS AND Twaddle

Observer, Volume XVI, Issue 965, 26 June 1897, Page 11

TIT BITS AND Twaddle

He was a Ponsonby boy, and was wrestling hard over, ma home lessons. 'Mamma/ he said at last, 'what is hereditary ? I've got to say what it means, and I never heard of it before.. Has it anything to do with hair ?' ' Noi my son,' .she sweetly said, 'it is— is something you get from your father or me.' Silence for two minatea, and ' Then, ma,' he said, 'is spanking hereditary ?' ; . * • I'll try my best,' the maiden said, 'To sing yon a cadenza.' '■ - . She gave a sneeze and shook her headShe' d caught the influenza t The f etnale creature is nothing if she is not spiteful. The other night, a newly- ] engaged yonng fellow was telling his sup EObed good fortune to the bosom friend of is fiancee. She congratulated him very coldly. Somewhat astonished, he asked her if -she had heard about the engagement previously. ' No/ she replied, • I have hot.But lam not surprised. She told' me last week that she was determined to be mar. : ried before the year was outj and that almost any old thing would do.'

Here is a sample advertisement from an exchange, which you may read in a variety of ways : — • Woman wants washing or cleaning, 4s. flay, any part.' There is a breezy largeness abont the announcement that mast commend itself to those who believe in ablutionary exercises. And she is not ashamed to advertise the fact that she wants washing and cleaning — this in itself is a very frank admission. Nor does she impose any vain restrictions so long as the contract is taken np. Cleanliness is next to godliness. A Napier tradesman received a hamper, the other day, by coach, on which the carriage waß unpaid, bnt as pheasants' legs and feathers were sticking ont of. the basket in the most tempting way, the recicipient hot only paid the carriage, bat, in the exuberance' of his joy, gave the driver sixpence to get a drink .with as well. Bnt alas i oh opening that hamper, it proved to contain phe»santa>4egs and feathers— bat , .no birds. Hovodver, there were several nice bricks in it, and quite a quantity of straw. And after the victim of this heartless joke had retired to the back-yard and kicked himself hard for five minutes, he threw -hamper ,ancL caatantß>.oa. >to. the rubbish-, heap, and it isn't safe to mention pheasants in his hearing yet. .

j.£^ssjfjgj^v ffos^lb^^^ai^^^iM--;^£g*iS|i °* ,|Meß*Hy;f setting C o ff .^firewxMrks. „Bfife:dcplained t& they C&urt ,tha^ Tjhe had, ..been merely? celebrating the anniversary of her husband's deatlf. :,..;■ ■.:'■ ;• When l was young, my wife she called Me 'ducky "sweet/ •':•"" : . But. nowadays my pet name is . - " ■',' Wfcydoh' tyonwipeypxirf«et V- - ■■'.'.' / ."■.^ WV ":■■' ••'• ',■■.'. :.'■ ■.."./."" ■ .y There are to be seen hanging about the Perth hotels a good many English dudes a trifle the worse for wear. They toil not, neither do they spin, but when there's a* ehoqfc ah round.' going on, .they spring, np from all parts of the compass.;; ' . . ' -' j It"was a local tradesman, who has been going to some expense in the way of jubilating. ' I would like my bill paid,' he delicately said to an impecunious customer who wanted a Jubilee rig-out. , • Don't yon owe anyone anything?' aaked the impecunious one. 'No s^r, 1 said the snip, 'I'm thankf nl to say I don't. 1 ' Oh," remarked the customer as he collared his new clothes and made forcing door, • then I guess you can afford to wait.' It -was Monday morning, and on her way to school she called at the nice young bachelor parson's with, a basket of choice camellias sent by her mamma. ' Oh, thank you, my little girl,' said the parson in .those bland and dulcet tones of his which make such a deep impression upon his female parishioners, 'but I hope they were not picked yesterday. It was Sunday, you know.' 'No, sir,' replied the child; 'but,' she added with some dismay, ' they were growing all day yesterday, and it-waa SunI day, you know.' The child scored that 1 time. - -

They are telling a good story of a local speculator who pnt half a sovereign on Bonnie Blue at the recent Steeplechase Meeting on behalf of a friend in the suburbs, and drew a dividend of £11 -7s 6d In due time he paid over the dividend, and shouted for his Incky friend. Bnt the luoky friend, who belongs to the Scottish persuasion, noticed that he had been paid sixpence short, and.withont saying a word, he took the shortage out of the half-crown that had been planked down on the bar counter for the two drinks. You can't beat that for a Jubilee record. He was an old gentleman, and I travelling by train from Wellinton to New I Plymouth, en route to Auckland. At Hawera he got hold of the evening paper and tried to read it by the dim flicker of the carriage lamp/ Just then he made a discovery, aad as the guard was passing through the carriage he called oat to him, 1 Hi, guard, the rain is dripping in from the lamp-hole all over my trousers/ ' Bless your heart,' said the guard, re-assurincly, vthat ain't rain. It's only the oil leaking a bit. The lamp's quite watertight, I assure .yon.'. .JBnt thatoiloertainly did not salve his wounded feelings, nor improve the appearance of his • Sunday-go-to-meetings '

■ ■: He :was" arranging, cipal of one ,of 'our lames' Benrinariea for :the, eaucaifcibn. of^ bia\aa9ghteri 2 principal knew he could/ write his name to ">; : a cheqne.for four or fiveK£gttres,.-»]oa. ; ;jhere- : fore in her, flw^eteat manner §ne said, iI . suppose you'wish your daoghter to be -in- .•'• structed in the ■ French -. and German tongues?' .'Not a bit of it,*, lie (bluntly replied';.' one tongue is quite enonghfor a ■ woman-' 'He knew it from experience. 1 .. - Mie's a maiden fair and haughty, .And ad very, very naughty Thatßhe doesn't care when Mrs Grnndy ■ ' 'V .' kicks; • ■ '■. ... ■ For she will go'ont a-wheeling, ' Notwithstanding public feeling, ' In the dearest, most distracting pair of 'knicks.' - , N But Bhe looks so sweet and charming In this rig they call alarming, That I. make a vow if ever for my wife I shall chance by love to win her — This dear, precious, little sinner — She may wear the Knickerbockers all her life t . /; The young people, of a* Napier household were amusing themselves at the tea-table the other evening by speculations concerning the courtship of papa and mamma thirty years previously. The youngest girl of the flock was anxious to hear the story of the proposal. 'Do tell us, papa, how yon popped the question,' she asked coaxingly. 'Don't ask me,' grumbled the old man, ♦ I never knew anything about it. Go and ask your mother. She man« aged the. whole affair.'- Fa and ma have not been great Mends since. We don't want to divert the tourist traffic from the Wairarapa, but it is just as well that travellers of, the bachelor persuasion should know that sixty widows reside at Masterton. So at least a Southern paper says. They are talking of forming a Mutual Matrimonial Benefit Society, and the freedom of the city will be presented to every man who has the courage to offer connubial consolation to one of these widows. But one has a right to ask for the reason of this extraordinary mortality among the Wairarapa Benedicts. Evidently they die off at an alarming rate nri there. - - Somebody Pays. Some find it convenient to live at their ease, . And all obligations to shirk, On every occasion to do as they please, And give no attention to work ; . As idlers and sluggards, as loungers: and drones, They follow their indolent ways ; r By being thus lax, increasing the tax That somebody pays. Free lunches, free passes they have at command? , Rich gifts that to others are losfc, And gaily they feast on. the fat of the land And travel regardless of cost. ' But for all the fine banquets, the wear and the tear Of public or private displays, Though you may go free, 'tis as sure as can be ■ . That somebody pays. Some boast of the credit they freely obtain The taxes from which they're exempt ' And to cancel the favours received, it is plain _ " They've made not a single attempt • With honour at stake, they cousent to remain . - _ . la debt to the end of their days, And with insolent pride, a ' free horse ' they ride, . . . For which somebody pays. . . Some go through the world with a niggardly heart, OB * And carry a miserly purse ; While others, with liberal zeal, do their part, . ■ ' ■ _ • • ' ' And freely their treasures disburse :, And for hours of idleness we may enjoy - ' For losses and needless delays. For waste and neglect, it is well to reflect That somebody pays. ■ ..', The story comes from the neighbourhood of Carter ton, in the Wairarapa and, besides being funny, is said to Tje' strictly tcue. A supplier to the local cheese factory had been discovered delivering milk showing on test sixty «er cent, of added water. He was called before a meeting of the directors for an explanation. Without waiting for a challenge, he thundered out in rich brogue : ' Have ye sicb a thing as a Jay Pay or a Boible among ye ? • For Oi'll tak' m' oath Oi niver put a drap of whater in m' milk.' On hearing this a few of the directors began. Jio have doubta as to the reliability of the ifabcock, but one, endowed with a little more cuteness than the rest, and who - hailed from the same county of the • Ould Sod as the supplier, rejoined, • Will ye tak yer oath, Jahn, that ye niver put a drap of milk into your water ?' The game watr up, and 'Jahn ' made a rush for the door, and soon disappeared over the horizon. • ■