The FRETRUL PORCUPINE

Observer, Volume XV, Issue 903, 18 April 1896, Page 6

The FRETRUL PORCUPINE

A Quill for Everyone.

It looks very much as if the Honorable John McKenzie is sorry he spoke on the subject of Buller and the Horowhenua Block. Bailer now demands that McKenzie should repeat . before the Royal Commission the statements he made under the cover of privilege in the House. But McKenzie won't come up to time, even though his statements before the Commission would also be privileged. And, what is worse, the Commission won't subpoena him ; all of which is rough on Buller, who offers to meet the accusations and refute them. But why McKenzie's fear ? If he has been speaking the truth, he cannot be afraid to face the music, and if he has not been speaking the truth, he surely does not intend that Bailer's character shall be unjustly tarnished? After all, what a wholesome terror the law of libel has for the Honorable John. And yet, his most strenuous exertions for years past have

been used to make that law morn severe and oppressive upon journalists who d» speak the truth, and who are not afraid to face the reasonable consequences of their speech.

There is a young man up Parnell way who is ' biting ' over the reflection that he gave himself away rather badly over the Census paper on Sunday night. As he was the only male adult of the household, upon him fell the onerous duty of filling up the return. With great pride he entered himself up in the first line as head of the household and described himself as * husband ' In perfect trustfulness he next entered up his mother-in-law as ' wife,' also his own better half as 'wife,' and likewise his married sister-in-law as ' wife.' In a foolish moment he confided to a friend how carefully he had prepared his return, and was then shocked to hear how that friend construed the relationships he had recorded. The return has gone in, but the young man would like to have a private interview with the enumerator just to make sure that he is not set down as a polygamist.

A very cool attempt bo foist a diseased pauper upon the Colony came before the Wellington Benevolent Society the other day. It was the case of an ex-patient of the Bournemouth Royal Sanatorium for Consumptives, England. He had been packed off to New Zealand by the local Emigration Society with a loan of £5 in his pocket and a gratuity of £2 from the Associated Bristol Charities, whose secretary wrote, with cool effrontery, authorising the Wellington Society to advance him another £3. The secretary added insult to injury by stating that his committee hoped the man would wish to stay in the Colony and send for his family to join him. The hopes of the Benevolent Society, however, lie in quite an opposite direction, and they have handed over the letter to the Customs authorities. It is high time the English people were made aware that New Zealand cannot be used as a dumping ground for their hopelessly diseased paupers.

An Auckland mining agent from other Bide of the harbour, who is famous for his closeness in money matters, recently made a trip to the Waitekauri and furnished the mining community with a topic for conversation. It appears that the city magnate went up the Waitekauri hill in a buggy and pair, and took things very coolly. In rounding a sharp turn of the road, the vehicle and its occupants went over a steep embankment, about 200 feefc deep, but the trunk of a tree caught the buggy and held it suspended like Mahomet's coffin, 'twixt heaven and earth. The horses hung loosely from their collars, and the tourist called loudly for help, as he shivered in his boots. A passing teamster left his cart and horses on the road and ran to help him, and was promptly followed by a local contractor, who had also been travelling up the road. They safely

hauled up the mining agent on to the road again, and, leaving him with chattering teeth and the other symptoms of extreme fright, they went to the assistance of the half-throttled horses. After an hour's hard work they landed both horses and the buggy on the road, and the city magnate, without so much as a 'Thank you,' remounted and drove away. The contractor was speechless with amazement and indignation. For himself, he cared nothing, but feeling for the poor teamster, who had lost an hour on the road and had exerted himself nobly, out of his own pocket he gave him half-a-crown. If that visitor gets into difficulties again anywhere between Grahamstown and Te Aroha it is pretty safe to bet that he will be left to work ont his own redemption.

He was a Maori, and they took him in. He was a large specimen of his race too, and had entered a hash-honse in Qneenstreet for the pnrpoae of satisfying a ravenous appetite. There was a vacant chair at the table occupied by some young fellows of a frolicsome disposition. The Maori was unable to read the bill of fare,

but hearing someone order ' soup ' he did likewise, and when he got his plateful he •went through it in a very business-like way. A course of roast beef followed, and then he paused to reflect what should be the next item on his programme. ' Say, mister, what's that you got ?' he asked of his nearest neighbour who was spreading himself upon a dish of Irish stew. ' Curried schnapper,' promptly replied the ingenuous youth. 'All right, me the same,' the Maori remarked. 'Hi -there, waiter, curried napper.' The waiter seized the' situation at a glance, and brought along some Irish stew. * Mullet cntlets ' was the next order, and a dish of fish came to hand and was polißhed off with great gusto.

By this time the sportive youths around the Maori were leisurely addressing themselves to the sweets, and had Bingled out ' quinces and rice ' for their enjoyment. The Maori surveyed their plates, and finding the prospect tempting he again said, ' I'll have some too ; what's its name ?' ' Stewed rock-melon,' gravely answered Joker No. 1, and the Maori gave his order accordingly, the waiter never flinching. When the Maori received his allowance of quinces and rice, Joker No. 1 politely handed him the mustard pot, with the laconic explanation, 'Tomato sauce, kapai, with stewed rock-melon.' The unsophisticated aboriginal, in perfect trust, ladled out three spoonsful of mustard upon his fruit and sailed in without winking. It was strong mastard, and must have burnt its way right down. At any rate, a terrible thirst seized upon the Maori. In rapid succession he got through a bottle of hopbeer, a cup of tea, and the contents of a caraffe full of water. He wasloudly calling for more water, when the jokers, not liking the complexion of affairs, got up and left. Perhaps that unfortunate Maori is still slaking his quenchless thirst.

The jV<?m Zealand Times has made the suggestion that in applying the Brnnnerton Relief Fund, the widows and orphans who are left entirely destitute shonld receive a somewhat larger measure of assistance than those whose breadwinners had their lives insured. At this suggestion Mr D. M. Luckie, Deputy Commissioner of the Government Life Insurance Department, dons his war-paint and rushes into the arena with a shrill battlecrv against those who would penalise thrift. *All this is very well in its way. But the first care of the charitable public is not to punish the thriftlees, but to succour the distressed. In any case, the thriftless ones who did not insure are beyond the reach of the avenging Deputy Commissioner. Their widows and orphaned little ones are cast upon the mercy of the world, and its mercy must be greater or less in exact proportion to their needs. The newspaper man has sounded the true note, to which the heart of the charitable public will beat responsively, and the Deputy Insurance Commissioner must bottle up his wrath against the thriftless miners who either did not or would not insure. They have passed from beyond the retribution he would mete out to their helpless dependents.

Another blow to volunteering in Auckland. It has now transpired tlat the South Franklin Mounted Infantry, the City Rifles, the Te Aroha Rifles and the Hamilton Light Infantry have not earned, and will not receive, capitation. The Regulations have beaten them. This means, in other words, that the parades pat in by the minimum of enthusiastic spirits, who have attended regularly and kept the corps together, have failed in their purpose, because of the default of the maximum. Now, the enthusiastic spirits have no option but to subscribe the expenses of the year out of their own pockets or disband. It ought to be sufficient to give one's services gratis to the canse of volunteering, without also having to pay £b or £10 for the privilege. Heigho! Twelve or eighteen months more under the present system and management, and we shall have no more volunteers.

Once upon a time, in a terrific gale off the New Zealand coast, a devout master mariner prayed to the Virgin to look upon his distresses, and vowed that if he got safely ashore he would become a, priest and devote himself wholly to good works. Sure enough, the storm did abate, and the vessel, of which he was owner as well as skipper, got to port in due coarse. Now, you will expect to hear that, once on terra tii-ma, Jack Tar laughed at his fears and forgot all about his vows. But not so. He was a man of substance, for he had sailed in the good old days when freights were high, and had considerable sums of money invested in landed property. Soon he sold his craft, and then betook him to his native land— an island in the Mediterranean where he applied for admission to the priesthood. His educational qualifications were, however, not sufficient, and this request was denied. But he entered the service of his church as a lay brother, and now his agents in Wellington regularly remit to him the income from his property, which, together with his time, are devoted to works of kindness and charity in his native town. An up-to-date story, with quite a spice of mediaeval romance about it.

Quiet influences are at work to bring about the payment of that bill fox £133 for printing the Laishley autograph catalogue. The Legal Committee advised the Council last week to repndiate all liability, and the Council promptly repudiated. Immediately afterwards, a. lawyer's letter - was * read threatening proceedings if the account were not at once paid. The Council had resolved. But the Council was not adamant. It yielded to this extent. It referred the threat to the .Legal Committee, on whose advice it had just repudiated the account. It is not easy to understand why, seeing that no fresh argument beyond the threat of proceedings had been adduced in support of the claim, but possibly the threat will be argument enough in itself to compel the Councillors to confess a blunder and ' shell out.'

One of the latest sensations in Wellington is the disappearance of the person who had been left in charge of a local insurance agency. He has left for parts unknown, and another has taken his office and is endeavouring to reckon op the state of the accounts.

A number of society mammas and ' bread and butter misses ' are greatly exasperated that the list of invitations to the vice-regal garden party was not published. Mrs Midas was so sorry that ane had not the opportunity of showing Mrs de Ponsonby ana the world that somebody had not received an invitation.

There arrived in Auckland one day this week, from Sydney, a lady whose name has been much discussed in society circles throughout the colony for the last few months. She is to figure shortly as the respondent in the celebrated Wellington divorce case in which there are said to be no fewer than twenty-seven co-respondents. We are not prepared to vouch for the accuracy of this number, but one more or less does not make much difference in a wholesale lot of this magnitude. The lady has come back from Sydney to see the divorce matter through. She isn" t afraid to face it out, but there is more than one gentleman of high station in Wellington who will be very much afraid now that she has determined to take a hand in the game. Future developments will be awaited with much interest.

Wellington is struggling with its chronic cvil — the unemployed. At a meeting held the other day, Mr Murphy, secretary of the unemployed movement (a suggestive phrase, by the way), said there were over 170 men on the list, and the outlook for the winter was gloomy. He thought something better should be done than relief work for the unemployed. It is difficult to deal with men who demand ' something better than relief work,' and it would be curious to know what it is they expect the community to offer them. Another speaker said there were over 500 men on the wharf who did not earn on an average 25/- a week, and the majority of whom were simply existing. If this be so, it seems very much like looking the proverbial gift-horse in the mouth for workless men on the verge of starvation to scoff at relief work and haggle for what they consider ' a fair wage.' Their labour is not wanted, but the public is willing to subscribe to find them work on terms that will, at least, keep the wolf at bay until the greatlydesired ' something better ' is forthcoming.

Our friend Dr. Laishley must be getting pessimistic in his old age, when he brings nimself to quote —

• This life is not the Temple, but the Gate, Where men, secure of entrance, watch and wait.'

Has he not ' watched and waited ' till further orders.and yet remains be-knighted ? The ' eye-opener ' has been all on the side of the City Council, and they say, like Bartimeus, ' Whereas I was blind, now I see.'

Dogberry appears to be very much in evidence down at Christchurch just now. The other day two justices of that ancient family had before them a fellow named John Barker, who was charged with a brutal and unprovoked assault upon a Joung -woman named Isabella Smith, ohn was found guilty of the offence, and the justices calmly ordered him to pay a fine of 40 shillings or to go to gaol for a month if he wouldn't pay. And yet listen to the recital of what John had done : On the evening of the 23rd ult., while crossing Colombo street bridge, he met a young woman, one Isabella Smith, and ' wanted her to go home with him,' and because Isabella Smith declined the proposal Barker struck her a violent blow in the face. He then dragged her along the river bank, and again assaulted her. The unfortunate victim of this savage attack was subsequently found ' with her face bleeding, and greatly distressed,' by three young fellows who were attracted by her screams to the spot. Meanwhile, her cowardly assailant sneaked off, but was subsequently found hiding, and was arrested. Imprisonment without the option of a fine —and a good stiff term at that — iB the mildest kind of punishment for John Barker and snch as he.

There are some good stories, afloat concerning the police. One officer in the South wanted a shift from his station, and he cudgelled bis wits how to manage it. He warmed up some publicans npon alleged breaches of the Act. The scene changes. He is now in an up-country station, having got ' a change of air.' Another constable who was shifted from South to North has recently been removed from a township to a rural district where there is more ozone. He is left in a state of pleasing uncertainty as to whether he was bunged out of the township, or bunged into the country. Perhaps he suffered from both processes.

Three worthy citizens were seated in a bar-parlonr discussing the complexion of affairs in Europe over their beef and bread and cheese. One was a portly German, another was a spare little Frenchman, and the third was a substantial specimen of John Bnll. Having waxed rather warm in praising up their respective countries, the German rose to his feet and said, ' Here's to Germany, the moon that sheds light on a benighted world.' 'Not so fast,' said Johnny Crapaud, ' Here's to France, the sun which extinguishes the moon.' .' Wait a bit,' responded John Bull, ' till you have my toast; Here's to England, the Joshua at whose command both* sun and moon stood still.' The Englishman scored.

The Wellington branch of the New Zealand Medical Association is modest, and also ' doosidly high-toned, bai Jove.' It demands that in future the names of doctors attending on cases of accident should not be published in the papers. Of course they shouldn't ! The select coterie of medicoes, who run the Association for their own special behoof, don't want any interlopers from elsewhere to hunt in their preserves, and the best way to keep them out is to strictly bar the readiest means of attracting public notice. That explains why the Medical Acs., on the make-believe score of professional etiquette, sets its face like a flint against advertising in the press. But the New Man with new ideas sometimes has the effrontery to leap the barrier of etiquette, and will advertise. The New Man with hia new ideas is also nineteen times out of twenty the very man to respond to an appeal for help when a poor fellow breaks his leg or smashes in his ribs. And he doesn't haggle for his fee either before he gives his aid. The fossils who want to monopolise the practice, also want to make sure of the fee first of all. The new New Man, by hia new methods,

his keen perception of the value of adver tising, and his frequent pars in the papers in cases of accidents, is pushing his elders into a corner. Hence their impudent demand that the press shall come to their aid and close its columns to the- publication of the names of doctors who attend on such cases. But the press is not builfc that way. It is thoroughly up-to date, and it caters for the public— not the Medical Ass.

The 3tory of [the Kuaotunu young man, who has £25 worth of furniture stored up awaiting his marriage, appears to admit of certain qualifications So at any rate says a friend of the young man who Has called upon us to give the other side of the story. It seems that to this friend the yonngman confessed, soon after his arrival at Kuaotunu, ' I have my eye on a young woman down here,' and that his intentions were strictly matrimonial. But the young woman was shy and backward, and the suit progressed slowly, albeit the girl's parents were quite favourable. At least that is what the friend says. The young man himself, in order to save time while matters were gradually working up to the ' popping ' point, ordered and paid for the £25 worth of furniture, which he stored in an empty house until the propitious day shonld arrive. But his love took a sudden turn and began to cool off. He was not frozen off

either by the girl or her parents, if we may believe the friend, but he fancied she was playing a double game, and altered his mind. He is now keeping his eye lifting for some other eligible maiden, and meantime the £25 worth of furnitnre waits in the empty house. The young man receives an excellent character from his friend for steadiness and independence. At any rate, both sides of the story are now presented, and we offer no comment.

The Napier Neivs, in a recent issue, says in a voicenusky with emotion : 'We regret that almost the whole of our reading space on page four to-day is occupied with horseracing. It is not too much to say that this colony is rapidly becoming the breedingground of a race of gamblers, and unless something be done to cheek the evil, we Bhall awake to the knowledge that we who have sown the wind may live to reap the whirlwind.' But why did the News fill up its fourth page with horse-racing if it feels so very bad about it ? We are reminded very much of the story of the shabbygenteel individual who was offered . 5/- to chop some wood and who said, 'It revolts me, but I'll do it.'