Tit Bits and Twaddle
The Woodville School Committee have asked the head master to report on the case of a girl who, it is alleged, was thrashed by the second master. Where <".•* the new woman ? Melbourne is looking lip. It came out in a divorce case the other day that a defendant had bought another man's wife, and at a ridiculously extravagant price, too —considering everything. A powerful alcoholic beverage is the Japanese ' saki.' It intoxicates rapidly and keeps a man drunk longer than any other intoxicant; while the startling variety of jim-jams it produces often terrifies the victims into fits. They see so many strange animals. There was some fun at a recent prayer-meeting of the Salvation Army. A devout member was in the midst of an eaxnest prayer when a rat scampered across the feet of a kneeling worshipper. Some one shouted 'Rats!' and the female devotees needed no other incentive to make them jump and frisk around, scream madly, leap on the benches, and gather their skirts close to their boot-tops. A piece of evidence in a Quebec breach of promise case was a cuff with an offer of marriage written on it. One night, while the defendant was holding the plaintiff's hand and whispering fervid words, he popped the question in manuscript on the smooth linen of her wrist. She was sentimental or shrewd enough to keep that article oat of the wash, and it has proved of practical value. There are some oddities- about the names of the Chinese fruiterers in Wellington, as shown in their business signs. Lee Way suggests a nautical association ; Joe Key must surely be a humorous customer ; Hoo Ping only wants another syllable to be an undesirable, infantile complaint ; and Tow Mcc sounds like an engagement to a steam tug. The ostentatious display of contempt for matters colonial made by some new chums is as amusing as it is impudent. A few nights ago, one such person met a Wellington man on the Queen's Wharf, and requested to be shown the Post Office, ' that is, if you have such a thing in this demn'd hole.' The young colonial promptly replied that there was such an institution, and that there was also an asylum and a gaol, in case any recent arrivals from the other side of the world should require them. It was after a Caledonian gathering, and a young lady who had been singing was walking home, her escort being an elderly gentleman who had been enjoying himself in good Scotch fashion. He was not exactly 'fou',' but he certainly had 'a wee drap in his e'e,' and thef lady remarked on the circumstance. He vigorously denied the soft impeachment. ' I've had no more to-night,' he said, 'than I had on the day that I was born.' 'Ah, then,' quickly retorted his fair charge, ' I'm thinking that your good mother must have made a mistake and given you the whisky flask instead of the feeding bottle.' There was much bickering in Wellington last week over a scheme for the entertainment of the poorer-classes of children in the city at a Queen's Birthday fete. The notion originated with some kindlydisposed ladies, and was taken up by Mayor Luke, who sent invitations to the local parsons to attend a meeting and join in. But their reverences held aloof — all except one, the Rev. Mr Evans, who is conducting an undenominational philanthropic movement amongst the more squalid parts of the city, and one Anglican curate, who sent an apology. Ever since, the rest of the ministers have been writing to the papers to explain that^they are engaged in charitable work all the year through, and didn't want to make any display of their benevolence as the promoters of the fdte evidently did. Then arose the cry that to invite the children of the poor, assuch, to an outing, was only to get them to parade their poverty, which the more deserving amongst them would rather die than do. So altogether the scheme was not taken up with ,the good spirit that was hoped for. Still, a good tuck-in and a. jolly outing was provided for many hundreds of poor, hungry kiddies on the holiday, with something left over io provide them with needed clothes and foot-gear.
' The great loan lion ' is how the Kumara, Times speaks of the Hon. Mr Ward. .
It came out in the Masterton S.M. Court the other morning that certain youngf men are in the habit of smoking opium in company with Chinamen resident there. In Wakefield-street, in Auckland, it is no uncommon thing for young girls to take a whiff of the drug. But we must keep our gentle, unassuming and industrious Chinkie — whatever happens.
The ' new boy ' has made his appearance at Nelson. In one of the schools of that easy-going city, a certain teacher was about to flog a boy when the impudent young urchin turned round and said : * You are not to strike me ; it was in the paper yesterday that you are not allowed to strike me, and I will tell my uncle if you do.' That protest was not sustained.
When a man becomes firmly convinced that he is a genius, it is then that the fringe slowly begins to form on the bottom of his trousers.
Between the dances they were discussing the question of propriety ' Amy, my'love, do you think I should let anyone — you .know, a man, I mean — kiss me before I was married?' 'Well, Angelina, I would if I were you ; that is, if you ever expect to be kissed at all.' That friendship is off.
They are laughing , down Christchurch way about a man who has a station up country, and who purchased a couple of rams — one a Lincoln, the other a Romney Marsh. The sheep had to be forwarded to the station by the vendor. 'Be careful,' said the purchaser, 'to mark the rams, so that my manager may know which is the Lincoln and which is the Romney Marsh.'
Director Alison — Did you get these signatures to this petition against any increase of Sunday excursions on the representation that there had been an increase of Sunday excursions ? Pastor 81-aikie — I did. Director Alison — Then, let me tell you, sir, that you got those signatures on incorrect representations. There has been no increase of Sunday excursions.
A party of enthusiastic young Aucklanders determined awhile back to go in for a day or two's duck shooting, and Queen's Birthday coming round this year on Friday, they determined to give work best and take a holiday from Thursday evening till Monday. They accordingly chartered one of of our numerous fleet of small steamers, and departed on Thursday evening last with several pulling boats, guns a-piece, no end of game bags, and dogs ad infinitum. They had a fast trip down to the Thames, and on the way determined as to how they should lie in wait, when they should fire, etc., etc. Arrived at the lagoons, up the river, they planted themselves in several of the flax bushes and awaited the arrival of the ducks. The arrangement was that no one should fire until they had a flock of 50 or more ducks around them. Just at daybreak, duck No. 1 came along and before he had time to alight on the water, bang went all the blunderbusses, and away went the duck. From that out, whenever a duck or other winged creature hove in sight, the same volley happened. Needless to say, the sportsmen .returned home hungry and with empty bags, and determined for the future to buy their ducks in town. They. reckoned that the ducks, six in all, cost them £2 a head. Such is sport. '
Here is a nasty knock for sentiment. A Wellington young lady ate half a wedding cake, and then tried to dream of her future husband. Now she says she would rather die than marry the men she saw in that dream. Again, we get our latest news away from home. Thus the New York Weekly : ' Habitual topers are to be photographed in New Zealand towns. Each saloon is to have a gallery of them, and the proprietors who supply liquors to them are to be fined.' Discipline is at a premium in some of our institutions. It seems now that a committee of the Auckland Hospital Board questioned the junior and subordinate officials of the Hospital concerning the duties of their superior officers, and the manner in which they were discharged. And, after this, the subordinates got so cheeky that there was no controlling them. And now we read that an Otago school inspector has had a- bad quarter of an hour with his Board. He was charged with carelessness in drawing up his report on a certain school, and o? -behaving- badly to the children. The children were the witnesses, and said the inspector was ' unkind,' 'nasty, 1 'crabby,' 'a little stern,' 'angry,' ' pretty well in everything he heard them in.' But where are we all going to ?
A maiden lady in. Wanganui keeps a parrot which swears and a- monkey which chews tobacco. She says that between the two she doesn't miss a husband very much.
' One of you boys has been 1 stealing raisins again. I have found the seeds on the floor. Which one of you was it?' Tommy — 'It wasn't me. I swallowed the Beeds in mine.'
The priest at Rotorua tolcT his flock the other night that all people who do not pray are ' dogs.' But what is prayer ? A. Chinese custom is the throwing into the ocean of thousands of pieces o£ paper when friends are about to sail away. fiich piece bears written on it a prayer.
We have ' Dodo ' in real life in the colonies, In Melbourne Divorc* 3 Court the other day Judge Williams granted a nisi against a wife who refused to suckle her first-born ' for fear of spoiling her figure,' and subsequently cleared out, leaving her husband •with the. baby, which died in her absence.
The cry. is for 'cheap meat 1 at Nelson. Somebody says in one of the papers that at the time when sheep sold from 15s to 16s each, the butcher charged the same per pound that he charges now that they are down to 6s a niece. Very likely, indeed. It would be hard to find the trade just now in which competition has not cut profits very fine.
Here is a sad case. It has transpired in "Wellington that the young woman found sleeping in the Botanical Gardens with her little baby, during the recent terrible weather, was from Waimate, whence she had fled from the persecutions of the father of her child. Her parents were dead. At Timaru sfce had secured an order that the father should pay 7/6 a week for the support of the child, but the -man would not obey the order and was given a month's imprisonment. Something is now being done for the poor girl, while the hound who accomplished her ruin and brought so much misery upon her is allowed the freedom of his own sweet will, and allowed to prey still further upon society.
There is some tough growling down Napier way at the fact that the names of several well-known artisans in comfortable circumstances figure on the unemployed list. They attached there signatures to a document purporting to be a petition to the Government praying that the co-opera-tive system be used in the building operations in connection with the new police station and Custom-house at the Spit, in order that they might find work. Only recently, in Auckland, some work on the Police Court grounds was let to two unemployed ' co-operatives, 1 and • next day the names of these gentlemen figured in the newspapers amongst the tenderers for Brodie's new hotel — a three thousand pound job.
Rotorua is a very busy little township just now. Buildings are going up on all sides, and chief amongst these are several new hotels. For example, the Palace has been removed from its wellknown position at the old township to a, central site near the post office. It has been considerably enlarged and practically reconstructed, at a cost of something like £2,000, and is now a handsome and commodious hotel. Mr Keyes is doing this work. Mr Jones is making considerable alterations to Lake House at a cost of about £1,500, while Mr McCallum has the new Grand Hotel up, which is costing about £6,000. All these works have been carried out on the plans of Mr Currie, and under his supervision. Besides these, there are other buildings just finished, buildings being finished, and buildings in contemplation.
Apropos of the story that someone was going to Port Chalmers as surgeon to a ship, without having a legal qualification, a Southern medico tells this little story to show how it is done. After passing the College, he says, I wanted 10 travel, and accordingly sent a circular to the White Star Line, The Black Ball Line, and other companies, asking for au appointment, but most were filled up and smaller companies would give only nominal pay. Just then I saw an advertisement in the Medical Times — ' Ships found for surgeons, and surgeons found for ships, apply . . . Tower Hill.' I applied, and was asked to sign a legallooking document authorising the advertiser to receive my first three months' pay, and in addition I was requested to hand over a large fee. I indignantly refused, when the proprietor, with a sneer, asked me how I was going to obtain the necessary papers to satisfy the Government inspector. I replied that I did not understand him, as I had presumed a diploma of the English College of Surgeons was sufficient. He immediately begged my pardou for supposing that I possessed no qualifications, ana added, in this case he would only ask 5 per cent on the pay for the voyage out. I told him that an introduction from his establishment would be no recommendation, and declined any further intercourse. It would seem as if there was some such convenient ' go-between ' now.
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Tit Bits and Twaddle, Observer, Volume XV, Issue 857, 1 June 1895
Tit Bits and Twaddle Observer, Volume XV, Issue 857, 1 June 1895
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