Tit Bits And Twaddle

Observer, Volume XV, Issue 821, 22 September 1894, Page 11

Tit Bits And Twaddle

.A. frivolous Southern' paper says 'a Bill to alter the name of New Zealand to Seddonia is expected to be. the next surprise measure in the "House of Representatives.' • A Melbourne lawyer's bill was ' taxed ' the other day by Judge Molesworth. The bill was for, £240. When the judge had done with it, it amounted fco £41 10s. Two hundred and eight ten off two-forty is a.tidy discount for cash. Aniongst the delirious delights qt Wellington willshortly be a circular switchback railway, fitted with the electric light and a forty- tune steam organ- A local syndicate is arranging for this affair which should prove a formidable rival to the two merry-go-rounds already in operation in the city of wind. The consumption of patent medicine has doubled in England during the last thirty years. The English people . spend £1500,000 in pills and mixtures every year. Colonials also consume incredible quantities of these things. Which leads a Christchurch paper to remark: ' Well, people must drink something in these prohibition days.' A lady -worker amongst the poor in -Christchurcb says she has had scores of unfortunate creatures say to her : ' Oh, don't send us to the Charitable Aid Board. They treat us as though we were not human beings.' Of conr&e they do. Poverty has not ceased to be considered a crime in these colonies any more than it has in the old world, and Bumbledom still flourishes. Two old acquaintances met in Christchurch the other day. Once upon a time they were mates. Fortune had smiled upon the one since they had parted ; upon the other she had frowned. The latter told a pitiful story of his experiences. He was all but starving. ' You must let me give you a lift, old man,' said the well-to-do party, with a benevolent smile, 'for the sake of auld lang syne, you know,' and he slipped a threepenny-bit into the hand of his old chum. A lawyer had been badgering a witness whom he declared was a fool, and proposed to prove it by asking him a question. '"Wno made you?' was the question. 'Wai, I suppose Moses,' was the reply. When the laugh was over the witness said to the counsel, t Who made you ?' and the lawyer answered, ' Wai, I suppose Aaron. 1 'I know'd Aaron made a calf oncet,' said the witness, ' but I didn't know the animile had been turned down in this yer parts. — Napier News Rubies, it is reported, have been discovered on the west coast of the South Island. We are not going to take any stock in tljpse gems until the report is confirmed. We remember the time when Ashburton (Canterbury), went nearly wild with excitement over the discovery of supposed diamonds at Alford Forest. The sparklers were found in heaps. One man actually got a barrow-load in a few hours. Every man you met in Ashburton had ' diamonds ' on him, and while the little township indulged in dreams of eclipsing Melbonrne m size and grandeur at an early date, and a dozen companies were formed, a few of the finest stones were sent to Streeter, the London dealer and expert, and he pronounced them — valueless ! Then the enthusiasm in Ashburton subsided, and the little township went back to raising potatoes and wheat for the market and it wasn't safe to mention diamonds to an Ashburton man for months afterwards. It was on the passage from Auckland to Wellington, and the conversation in the smoke-room turned on superstitions. .'Ever sit down thirteen at table?' demanded the man in the shaggy ulster. ' Once,' replied the man in the loud tweed suit. 'Well, you never noticed any bad luck followed, did you ?' ' Why — haw — yes, bad luck for most of the thirteen.' 'Any of them die ?' ' Any of 'em die ? Not that I know of.' 'Not enough tucker to go round?' 'Who's talking about tucker? There was no tucker/ 'Thought you said you sat down where there were thirteen at table ?' ' That's what I said. The table was in a lawyer's office. It was a meeting of creditors. There were twelve of them. I was the other man.' There was a pause. 'In what way did the meeting prove unlucky, if I may- ask?' ' None of 'em ever got a blamed cent out of me,' replied the man in the loud tweed suit. Then the conversation languished.

Young men are-like fish. . The girls put all sorts of b, ait on their hooks, and the young men nibble here~ and there.- Finally rone of them goes too far, and suddenly" finds himself landed.. .-•* ''". 'Guilty, with some little' doubif as to whether he's the man.' This is the latest thing interdicts from sunny New Sonth Wales. It is time_the glorious institution of trial by jury had a rest. Marvellous Melbourne is still mar-, vellously hard-up. You can now-, get swell offices in Collins-street by simply paying, the rates and taxes. They used to ask £200 a year for the same premises. But that was before the blighting ' boom.' 'Look me straight in the face sergeant; and see if you ever saw me before,' pleaded an old lady in the Dunedin City Police' Court. Then the sergeant smiled and read out : ' Fourteen times drunk, six times insulting behavonr, nine times riotous conduct, four tinles no visible means of support, twice as an imposter — ' She didn't wait to hear the rest.

• At, a Southern police-court. -the other, day the magistrate said to, a. T .prisoner .accused of ', burglary : 'If • you were in. the house for no dishonest purpose why were you in your sfocking-f eet V The prisoner replied that he-had heard there was -sickness in the family ! - - . That journalistic curiosity the Li/ell Argus is not half so funny as it used to be in the .old days. Qn one occasion the. little' paper came- out with but three lines of ordinary print under the ' leader ' heading: — 'Owing to the pressure of advertisements we are compelled to hold over all reading matter.' And the Argus cost sixpence in those days. It^was at Coolgardie. . The manager~of the famous ' Wealth of Nations ' claim stood upon an up-ended beer case and -held aloft a 40oz. ' slug ' of gold for the inspection of the crowd. The tempting specimen passed from hand to hand — until it disappeared It was worth £150 and has not since been heard of. 'But there's plenty more where that came from.'

The miser lay upon his death-bed. He knew that there was no hope for him. and that he must soon leave the world and his gold, his treasured gold, behind him. He had no friends or relations to soothe his dying pillow, and he felt grateful to the neighbour, Jones, who looked in one evening to cheer him up a bit. 'It seems hard to have the money and not to be able to take it,' said the miser, 'not to take, the money nor even anything that money can purchase.' 'No,' sighed the sympathetic neighbour, ' not even a fire-escape.' The new municipal by-law regulating street traffic, passed by Christchurch City Fathers, provides that ' No person or persons shall assemble in any street, or congregate at the corner of any street, and no person or persons shall collect or cause any number of persons to collect or congregate in any street, or conduct or hold any public meeting therein so as to impede persona passing, or be guilty of any conduct calculated to annoy the public.' This will knock the temperance lecturer, the open-air t shepherd . and the tub-orator. How about the ' Harmy ?' I

A Rangifcekei paper recommends ' the injection of a few drops of blood from a guinea-pig ' as a cure for diphtheria. ' The blood injected into a human child,' says our scientific contemporary, '•will arrest and often cure the disease.' ' Human child 'is good. How about other children ? Talk about absence of mind ! It would be pretty hard to beat this instance : A. Rangiora (Canterbury) farmer attended a sheep sale, bought a flock, and started out for nome with them. Three miles from the sale-yards he met a friend who asked him what he had done with his horse. He then recollected having left the horse at a livery stable. Putting the flock into an adjoining paddock he returned and after some trouble found his horse and leisurely rode, home, about ten miles. He was getting his boots, off to go to bed when he recollected the sheep, and spent the zest of the night in going back seven miles, to collect them and drive home. Reminds us of the man who thought he had left his _ watch .at home and pulled it' out of bis pocket to see if he had time to go back and. get it.