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What a fuss about that apple ! Worse than the one Adam and Eve ate. To remove superfluous hair — Attempt to kiss a girl against her will. New song by Chatwin's creditors — " We shall meet, but we shall miss him." ' Who were the young ladies who stole the iigs and bananas out of a certain shop ? The New Zealand Timber Company lost only £60 by Chatwin's bolt. Mr H. Elliott left by the Rotoniahana on Thursday for Melbourne. Mr Willde, the popular telegraphist of Waipu, will shortly be married to Miss Fraser, of Whangarei, Bro. Douse is a good name for a man who advocates the cold water cure. Sir Greorge Grey arrived in Auckland on Wednesday, en route to Wellington. Robert Rhodes, of Canterbury, has taken 500 shares in the N.Z. Native Lands Settlement Company. A boy, in Latin, is always puer, and frequently so in Irish, hence we have the expression, "a pure boy." How very happy Fred looks since Laura came home again. We must have a piece of that wedding coke.

IiAEBIKIIir PASTIMES. It is not always that their lines fall in pleasant places. There is an advertisement in the Star for " a sensible woman." "We hope she may be found , hut Solomon long ago declared his inability to find one ! Captain Hulme, Inspector of Prisons, lias arrived in Auckland. He goes into the classification of prisoners and provincial gaol matters generally. What would Waikato Willie say if he saw the utterly too too, very, very attentions of Willie M. to Miss A. at the Ecmuera concert ? Mr Alfred Sheath, formerly District Inspector of the Telegraph Department, did not succeed in Melbourne, and has returned to Dunedin. Mr McCullough, of the Thames Evening Star, has purchased a share of the business of Messrs. Atkin Brothers, printers and publishers, High-street. , The latest decapitated Ministry, and why ? — The New Zealand Executive; it lost it head, that's (H)all. / According to recent advices, Bussia's policy is declared to be Pacific, no doubt the Melbourne people think so. The Waikato Times goes for Labby, of London Truth, in the style of "Wo warn the Emperor of Eussia." The new clerics of the Thames will have to mind thoir stops. They may get the Bull by the horns, or the Barley by the ears. The ladies at Mercury Bay are anxious to know ■whether or not the tall German is coming from the Tiki to the next " hop." Why is the Survey Office like an almanac ? — Because reference is so frequently made to the calendar (Kallender). Tim and Arthur, the two jolly bank clerks, should be careful what they say in pubs. Sometimes walls have ears. The language of the natives of Danger Island is almost exactly like Maori. Their devil is called " Atua-kai-tangata," meaning "man-eating god." " I will put a moustache on you," said a young man to his girl, at Kamo. " How would you do that ?" she asked. " This way," he replied, planting his moustache on her upper lip. How doth the apiarist J.C . Improve each shining hour, And gather dollars from the bee As well as from the flour ! The Wanganui Herald learns "on the best authority," that the late Ministerial crisis arose from Bryce's proposal to arrest the native criminals in the King Country. Scene: Queen-street. First citizen •." Where is Brown ?" Second citizen : " What.iwhatihoe." First citizen : " What do yon owe me ? Why, about £15 17s 3d, and I'll be jolly glad when you settle up." The allusion to the details to the crucifixion which Mr Josiah Firth displayed in his address at the Jews' relief meeting the other night, seems to us to be in the worst possible taste to say the least of it. Who were the interesting couple who were manufacturing true lover's notes at the theatre the •other night, and passing them to each other. Oneiunga's going ahead. It is said of the self-sufficient editor of a con•temporary — " If he was writing a lender on the Day of Judgment, and had the angel Gabriel in his sanctum, he would not deign to ask the seraph for any particulars." Amongst the applicants for the post of gardener .■to Albert Park, no fewer than three have recommendations from noblemen, in whose gardens they had been •employed in the old country. , . , At St. Paul's : Organ starts. Small girl, who has never been at church before : "What's that row?" Elder party : " That's the organ, my dear." " Are •them sticks the organ?" queried the unsophisticated ittle one. At the Hospital is a man who has been an inmate of the institution for near 15 years. He was injured by a fall of earth shortly after the opening of the 'Thames Goldfields, and has lain on his back, paralysed, ■ever since". Is it true that one of the banks has lost heavily throngh one of the recent defalcations, and that the manager did not assure himself of the existence of certain goods before he granted a stiff overdraft ? If it is, it has been kept mighty quiet. Sir Charles Dilke declines the Irish Secretaryship because it would exclude him from the Cabinet. 'On the whole, a^stab in the heart or a bullet through the head are calculated to incapacitate a man from . holding a Cabinet seat. ■ The boss drum of the.Hobson Band has been decorated with the name, of their, corps,; a representation of the harp.of old Ireland, and lasf;,, but not least, with: sprigs lof "the green immortal' shamrock." It is thjSiwork of Mr Lilli, of Cousin and" Atkhv"s establishment.*,' c --.■■■ /.• .;'■■•.-" '■"■•'>:'■■'.-■ v §;riA'. devout member, of /one .of^bur^cityychurches, i&iesppnßeHio >t£ question{%ftet%r^h^;;lia& been to see "^ th^^ "Oh, I neyeicitirquble actors 't^esis.'^hW^g^f&^e^ to hear, the ; ;f|^ Wh6nj did' Mac turn mail;agent £• When [ 'cork was dtawn from the .whisky bottles, he was observed > • hurrying up'to'the stag'e'iijithe' i baU?'room*to annouiice^to ' m *4« : 'fry * . : .: .%' I

Messrs Mace, Miller, Victor, and their agent (Ecclos) left by the Eotomahana on Thursday for Wellington. They expect to reyisit AucMantt an wee months. Mr John Lundon, late M.H.R., has left Onehuuga for the North, to get tlie evidence complete in his contemplated action under the Corrupt Practices Act against the present sitting member for that district. We should just like to know the name of the person who offered his services to Mr Lundon in the Mongonui election, on- condition that Jack would pay him £100 and use all his influence to have him appointed a magistrate. During his recent visit to Waiwera Mr Hanna took several large photographs of the house and grounds, by the instantaneous process and of the visitors arranged in a picturesque group. Mr W. Atkin rendered valuable assistance in arranging the group, after the manner of a master of ceremonies. The marriage of true minds ; Of various forms and kinds I I now would sing ; What love and concord reigns In Fonsonby's domains, Since Jones has got a ring I The Tauranga Busier refers to the re-salt of the late polling on the issue of publicans' licenses, when there was a majority in favour of additional licenses. " Eesalt " is a misprint for "result." But the truth is often told by accident. Of course the result will be more salt in the beer. i Sportsmen complain loudly of the many petty larcenies they have been subjected to in the railway trains. One man loses his bag, another his gun, another his ammunition, and so on. Eailway officials ought really to be more vigilant in protecting passengers' luggag«. | Miss Esther Holmes was married the other day to a millionaire named Pat McCoy, the popular cross-connfcry rider. A prominent Civil servant acted as best man. Until the happy husband can select a suitable site for a mansion, the bride will continue to dispense the recuperating S. and B. and the soul-inspiring cocktail to thirsty souls. Wo wish the couple all happiness. The sanitary condition of the city has mightily improved since the old City Board days. Imagine a cesspit fifteen feet deep and fifteen feet square being allowed to exist in the centre of the city for upwards of twenty years. Nine years ago that institution for propagating fever germs was cleaned out, and the two night soil men employed in the work died within a week. AN AUSTRALIAN EOMANCE. William Hawkins, William Hawkins, From wedded bliss you are a flyer ; With plans well laid, you can't evade The vengeance of your dear Maria ! This tender dove, impelled by love, Two thousand miles flew o'er the billow ; In the land of Auk she caught the Hawk, And now he is a weeping Will, O ! Whilst the church bells were ringing on Sunday last in Newton, a man near Bailey's paddock shocked his neighbours by his contempt for the Fourth Commandment. Every Sunday at daybreak his hammer and saw may be heard, and last Sunday his wife might be seen assisting to carry scoria ash from the road to the garden walks. Miss Taylor, daughter of A. K. Taylor, Esq., was married last week to the Eev. Farley. On the eve of her wedding a handsome timepiece was presented to her by the members of the Presbyterian Church, West Tainaki, in recognition of her services in connection with the Sabbath-school and church. The present was accompanied with an address. A REMITTANCE MAN. Of respectable look was the nice young man, And good were his lineage and name ; But his crime was to lie under Poverty's ban, Because no remittances came ! This care " unremitting" he could not endure : In his clothes he could scarce beg for bread ; He could not get credit becatise he was poor, So passed cheques on the Bank of N.Z. Now the "beak" puts a check on the young man's pranks, And Herbert J. Lockwood must lie Under lock, under key, by Eden's green banfes, Till a calendar month has gone by ! It is a significant fact that not a single teacher has made a public attempt to justify their practice of retailing school requisites to the scholars and making enormous profits thereby. It shows how infra dig. they themselves consider the traffic. Mr Laishley has certainly inaugurated the work of cleansing the Augean stable in a manner that shows he is bent on a thorough reform. Mr Subritz writes to us complaining of the damaging reports against him which were forwarded to the Government by the Justices who sat in the late case. He points out that the restrictions of the fine imposed by the Mangonui Bench is an admission that he was exonerated from blame, and he promises to furnish a report of the whole case to the press as soon as he receives it from Wellington. The law students of Auckland have formed a Law Debating Society. Mr Richmond (son of Judge Eichmond), of Mr Coleinan's office, was the originator. A dinner took place at the Commercial Hotel, where, after justice had been done to Host Kiddte good things, and a very large number of toasts had been drunk, office bearers of the Society were elected, and a committee appointed to make rules, etc. Judge Macdonald is the president. In a recent issue of the New Zealand Times the Eev. David Bruce indulges in a prolonged Jeremiad over the ungodly wickedness and depravity of the Governor in seeking advice from Sir George Grey. The article reads like a funeral sermon. It is full of words of thundering sound and sentences of extraordinary length, in the following high-falutin style:— "The wound which is made in a nations soul refuses to be healed by the hand that inflicts," etc. Parson editors are not usually a success. The Freemasons, of Mahurangi, went in for a grand trial of endurance the other evening. They began with an initiation, whetted their appetites with a passino- and raising, and then adjourned from labour to refreshment. After a good banquet they resumed with an installation, which ended at about half-past four o'clock in the morning, and then a few of the brethren who are only in the entered apprentice degree in matrimony, went to a ball, and danced till after daylight, after which they rode home, some having to return a distance of forty miles. Genial old General Gossett and Mr Moat bore the fatigue like heroes. ALL EOUND MY HAT. It was Archard, called Fred, From his caput or head Hung his hat on a peg in the hall ; And when next he looked there He with wonder did stare, For his head was as bare as — the wall ! But his hat he did collar on Bernard O'Halloran (A Scotchman, of course, by hi 3 name) ; And says Barney, quite pleasant— " Bedad, 'twas a present I got from a friend, was that same !" His friend Thomas Kennedy (Worth watching any day) Tried with lies how to baffle the scent j For the " capital " crime, Fourteen days is the time Thomas Kennedy's got to repent ! I represent the advertiser, not the publisher, and fill orders for advertisements in every leading newspaper in New Zealand, Australia, America, and Europe, at publishers' very lowest rates. I have had nearly a quarter of a century's journalistic Colonial experience, and receive one uniform rate of commission from all publishers: hence 1 I have no motive other than to supply my patrons with reliable information concerning newspapers, thus enabling the - most inexperienced to select intelligently the media best adapted to any particular purpose. It will pay you to consult me before spending any money, in advertising out of Auckland. — W Bartlett Langbridgo, Consulting Advertising Agent, "The Bureau," Stichbury's Buildings, Auckland.—Advx. . ...,'. An amusing incident has been related to us, in which the late lamented Captain C. played a prominent part: The; pld.geiitle'man entered one of ihe :first-class carriages of the Onehunga c train and, sat down on a handkerchief, icarelesssly* -left Xnrthe; seat by a young 1

lady, who, prior to the captain's arrival, had been the only occupant. Other passengers came in, and the train star tod. Presently the old gentleman became cognizant of the fact that all his fellow passengers were giggling — what at, he could not " for the life of him," as he afterwards said, discover. The merriment increased ; and as all eyes were directed on him, C. began to think he was the cause of the mirth. He thereupon commenced a personal inspection, when, horror of horrors, he noticed something white dangling between his legs, and looking suspiciously like the tail of a white shirt. To remove his hot from his head to his lap, and put the poor inoffending handkerchief out of sight, was the work of an instant. The other passengers roared till the tears trickled down their cheeks, and the captain, blushing to the roots of his hair, got out at the next station. Imagine the feelings of the fair owner of the cambric mouclwir. The bachelors of Pokeno gave a ball on Thursday evening, when upwards of thirty couples assembled from Wangarata, Bombay, Mauku, and other districts, in spite of the rain and muddy roads. Dancing was kept up with spirit from 8 o'clock till 5 in the morning. Ample refreshments were supplied by Mr and Mrs Bell, who deserve x^raise for their management of the affair. The following- ladies were most conspicuous : — Miss Mclntyre, grey and cardinal ; Miss Chiplin, grey lustre trimmed with grey silk— (it would be hard to say which of these two was the belle) — Miss Watt.blnck and maroon; Miss Bathgate, maroon dress, white-lace collarette ; Miss Craig, white nraslin, cardinal bows ; Miss MePherson, black, trimmed with white lace ; Miss Gordon, black with white and maroon trimmings, silver flowers ; Miss M. Dean, looking charming in black with white lace. There was plenty of spooning. Mr Angus Magill supplied the"music. The "Personal" column of the Star bids fauto rival the "Agony" column of the London Times. If there is less mystery about the New Zealand " agony ' advertisements than about those of the " Thunderer,' there is no lack of the sensational element. Last week, "the young lady who ran away from home" was adjured to send for her clothes, and no questions would bo asked; and this week the "agony" has taken the following shape :— " If the wretch who was seen to steal a pair of Boots, but was traced home, does not at once return them and apologise, the same will be punished with the utmost vigor of the law." We can imagine the thief trembling in his (stolen) boots at the fearful threat here conveyed, only it is not quite clear whether it is the thief or the boots against whom the " utmost j vigor of the law "is threatened. And further, after the "fizzle" in the East Coast native prosecution, the threat of the " utmost vigor " or rigor of the law (which is more probably meant), does not amount to much, anyhow. We don't expect these boots will be foumd on that racket ! ! "OLDCLOM"

(At the Jewish meeting on Monday night, his Worship the Mayor is reported to have said, referring to the late Earl Beaconsfield— " For myself, I can only say that I wish to God he had left his mantle behind him !") Alas ! how vain are earthly hopes, Each cherished dream I must resign ; I thought to do a trade in " slops," And flourish in the old-clothes line ! But woe is me 1 no " mantle" drops In answer to my piteous whine ! When up to Heaven Elijah soared, He let his mantle fall below j He knew his countrymen adored Aught with the semblance of " old clo' ;" Oh ! Beaconsfield ! forgetful Lord, However could you serve me so ? I might not hope thy robe to wear — In borrowed plumes I would not shine ; But I have brains, and I might dare To follow in thy steps divine ; Though foes may say my fitting sphere Is sticking to the "soft " goods line ! " I wish to God !" — the wish is vain — I'd had. your mantle on that day When on the East's ensanguined plain I joined in fight with Hori Grey ; Oh Dizzy ! from your dizzy height, Ming down that mantle yet, I pray ! A correspondent "writes : — lt must hare been a schoolmaster who drew up the resolutions submitted to the meeting recently held in the Masonic Hall, to protest against the Russian atrocities. I judge so from the wretched grammar in which they are couched, and which must grieve the soul of Mr Laishley or any other properly-constituted member of the Education Board. The second resolution opens thus : — " That this meetiug, while averse from criticising the laws of a foreign country," &c. I say nothing of the very funny way adopted of showing this aversion, viz., by proceeding to criticise the Russian laws most unmercifully, but merely wish to point out that " any schoolboy " knows that the proper preposition to use with "averse" is to, and not from. But this blunder is tricing compared with the precious bungle which is made (if the third resolution : — " That his Worship the Mayor be requested to forward a copy of the above resolutions to the Right Honourable the Lord Mayor of London, in the desire that the record of its opinion may add to the widespread expression of public feeling and sympathy on this subject throughout the United Kingdom, and this meeting earnestly hopes that the present expression of general sympathy may result in a mitigation of the sufferings of the Jews in Russia." I leave to some gigantic intellect the task of unravelling this perfect maze of words : but I would like an explanation of the little word "its," which I have italicised above. Whose opinion is it that is meant ? By the rules of grammar, it should be the opinion of " London," but that is a manifest absurdity. I would suggest a meeting to protest against such grammatical " atrocities " as these.

SHAEKASTIO. Scene. — Whatiwhatihoe. Maon : Kaipai te kai ! European Visitor : Kahore ! Kakino ! It's stinking fish !

To tlie Editor of the Observer : Sir, — In the Herald of Saturday lost "Asmodeus" is not happy iv giving to Ben Johnson the idea that critics arc " men who have failed in literature and art." I fancy, from the opinions expressed by " Asmodeus," that he knows very little cither about art or literature. The quotation will be found in D'lsraelie's Lothair. Mr Phoebus (a great artist) has . finished a picture of Hero, and has invited his friends to a private view, previous to the London exhibition. Mr Phosbus, who had left the studio, but had now returned, approached the group. The circle started a little as they heard his voice, for they had been unaware of his, presence. " Toinorrpw," he said, "the critics will commence; you know who the critics are ? The men who have foiled in literature and art ! " Authors get ideas from each other. Ben Johnson has, in one of his dramas, written for the purpose of abusing the critics ; expressed ideas something like those in Lothair, but there is nothing in the play to detract from the originality of D'lsraeli. With regard to the exhibition at the. Choral Hall, I think the critics did their " spiritings " very gently, considering how bad some of the pictures were. Notwithstanding, " Asmodeus' " opinion, lam glad to say that the Auckland people are, evidently, improving in their taste and love for art. It is not true to say that any good artist has ever been obliged to leave Auckland because he was not appreciated. Those whose duty it is to select the pictures for next year will have to be more careful what they admit It is unpleasant to hurt tho feelings, of anyone who. fancies he or she has a genius for painting; but the feelings of the public have to bet hought of as well as those 6f the artist. The public must be protected from the infliction, of bad pictures.— l am; &c., One ot the i Critics'; '" '"

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BRIEF MENTION, Observer, Volume 4, Issue 87, 13 May 1882

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BRIEF MENTION Observer, Volume 4, Issue 87, 13 May 1882

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