THE BURGLARY BURLESQUE.

Observer, Volume 3, Issue 64, 3 December 1881, Page 190

THE BURGLARY BURLESQUE.

A ROMANCE OF THE NOETH SnOEE

(By a>- Eye-witness.)

It was the small hours of the morning. Darkness veiled, the .scene. Only the sentineL stars set their watch in the sky. Silently, stealthily, a crouching figure approached the fold. He tapped gently at the door, as though he expected it to be opened by some accomplice within, and turned away with a look of disgusted disappointment on his expressive features when the signal ■was not answered. He knew in his heart that he ■was a trespasser, but, as Chaucer says, " Who shall give a. lover any law !" " Stony limits cannot hold lovo out ; And what love can do, that dares love attempt." He tried one of the windows. Like the immortal Barney Brallaghan when he paid that memorable visit to charming Judy Callaghan — 'Twas on a windy night, At two o'clock in the morning, A butcher-boy so tight, All wind and weather scorning, At Mr Featherstone's door, In accents unavailing, His love tale he did pour, And this was part of his mailing' : " Only say You'll have Mr Noonan ; Don't say nay, Charming' little woman." This little ditty, albeit .sung in a whisper, fell on the ears of the nurse, and that vigilant female, being haunted by visions of burglars, aroused the household. Mr Keatherstone and his son hastily donned their unmentionables, and while one armed himself with a weapon of brass, the other, like Paddy Croaker at Widow FagV celebrated tea-party, seized the kitchen poker. They listened for the sound of the burglar, and heard a rustling at the hack part of the premises. Sallying out of the front door, and executing a judicious Hank movement, they caught a glimpse of the figure of a man ' They rushed forward and jn'oceeded to belabour him. The third blow .simultaneously broke the poker and the arm of the supposed robber. lie appealed in touching accents for mercy, but was dragged into the kitchen, and lay prostrate ontheiioor. Meanwhile the whole hou.-ehold were alarmed, and rushed en mas.se to the scene, attired in glowing and picturesque dishabille. A small boy rushed out. and in sin-ill accents yelled "Burglars!" "Bobbers!" "Thieves!" The neighbours who ran to the rescue saw a striking and effective iableau. The burglar was crouching on the iloor, Avhile a brass weapon in the grasp of Mr Featherstoue was suspended, like the sword of Damocles, over his head. The prisoner was invited to state liU name and to explain the object of his unexpected visit. Like Te Whiti's recalcitrant followers, he declined ; and like the Knifegrinder, he had no story to tell. He merely growled out something which was understood to be an indignant remonstrance agaiur-t the inho.--pitable manner in which he had been received. At this stage of the excitement a dramatic effect •was given to the proceedings by one of the ladies going into hysteric-- and exclaiming in gasping accents, "Oh, you naughty man! you wicked man! you wanted to rob and murder us! "\ou know you did ! However could lie do it I- 1 "' (" Pinafore"). The climax of the sensation was reached when the female domestic, with dishevelled hair and tearful eyes, recognised in the supposed burglar her long-lost lover, or husband — we don't know ■which — and in a tone of affectionate alarm exclaimed. "My poor darling Noo — " when she was sternly interrupted by the man, wlio requested her for heaven's sake not to reveal his name. In the confusion created by this startling discovery a neighbour was mistaken for an accomplice of the midnight marauder, and was about to be set upon, when he Mas luckily recognised. Mr Featherstoue now bethought himself of that resource which is the first instinct of the average Briton tindor similar circumstances — he sent for a policeman. But there was no guardian of the peace at the North Shore, and a neighbour volunteered to fetch one from the city. .During the interval the prisoner informed one of the gentlemen present that his name was Noonan : that he was a butcher on board the Hero ; he had come to visit his lady-love ; had tried the door and the window in vain, and had gone round to the back and fallen asleep. Had he been familiar with Irish minstrelsy he might have sung :— Wnke, Katty my dnrlin*. arise from the floor now, And the glim that is out, with a lucifer litrht. Och ! where is the bell that once hunt? tit thy door, now? Arise in thy beauty and let's in to-nijrht. Och ! "Katty, obh ! murder, the rain is fast falling : To think now that only a door should us part ; Maybe you've no ears, so you can't hear me bawlin', Oh, why arc you deaf to the voice of my heart ! Presently Constable Moar arrived on the scene, looking solemnly important, and wearing that happy expression which the countenance of the zealous policeman assumes when he scents the quarry and prepares to run it in. Catching sight of a ring on Noonan's fingei", he demanded in stern, authoritative tones. "Where did you get that ■V" " It's mine," replied the prisoner. The constable next minutely interrogated the family, the neighbours, the burglar, and the female domestic whose fatal attractions were the cause of all this commotion. Presently a whole posse com Ha his, led by the rodoubtable Mr Pardy, and consisting of four constables and a detective, appeared on the scene, and escorted the prisoner to the Chancery Lane police station. He was brought up on a charge of boinir illegally on Mr Featherstone's premises, but discharged without a stain upon his character, tho woman haying bravely come to his assistance in corroboration of his version of the nocturnal visit, and the Bench being of the opinion that he had suffered sufficiently for his injudicious selection of a time for paying his devotions at tho shrine of Venus. MOKAT.. Now, boys, too near tke house don't courting go, d'ye mind, Unless you're certain sure the old woman's both deaf and Wind. Vide song, " The Whistling Thief." Emily Soltlene's husband, John Powell, is dead, mid the poor creature is once more open to offers. Here's a chance for someone, only don't all speak at oiice.