The Obserbver.

Observer, Volume 2, Issue 43, 9 July 1881, Page 472

The Obserbver.

Saturday, July 9th, 1881.

A nice story of extortion comes from the Lakes. About a fortnight a»o a party of four tourists from Melbourne (an elderly gentleman, his wife and two friends) went tip to Rotorua, intending to "do" the district thoroughly. The tickets they took to get there were Kelly's, and with these they express themselves very well satisfied. The morning after arrival, the head of the party, whom we will call Mr S., was standing outside the hotel, when he was accosted by a well-known interpreter and native agent, Mr X., who entered into conversation, and commenced to explain a good many matters in connection with the Maoris, Rotorua, etc. Mr S. naturally felt much interested, and responded politely. The pair had a drink together, and then K. asked when S's party purposed visiting Rotomahana. "To-morrow," was the reply; on which, K. observed, "How very strange. lam going on business to Tara* wera, to-morrow." Of course S. said "I'm sure we shall be very glad of your company ;" and so they parted. On the following day, the S's set off for Tarawera, and were joined by the native agent who chatted pleasantly and made himself sufficiently agreeable. They all dined together, and, after dinner, K. asked the gentlemen if they would like to see a " haka " danced. S! replied in the negative, saying he didn't much care about it as he heard the expense was considerable ; but X, replied, "Oh ! dear me, no ; you leave all that to me :" leading the party to believe he would get the natives to do the thing for nothing out of regard for him. Well, v the gentlemen went to see the dance, "and didn't much like it; but when K. said, "I suppose you would Avish to give the natives a couple of bottles of him and syrup," they replied, " Oh, yes." Next morning, in came the hotel bill, which contained, in addition to some tolerably stiff charges for theparty's board and lodging, the following items ; none of which S. had ordered.

Mr S., of course, demurred to paying for these trifling extras, and tackled the native agent on

the subject. That worthy replied that he made no charge for his " services," but had presumed he was S.s guest, otherwise he shouldn t have accompanied the party. Of couise, after this there was nothing to do but pay and look pleasant. Mr S. has, however, asked us to warn tourists to beware in future of insinuating agents who try to make themselves agreeable and offer their ''services " gratis.

A deputation of publicans and others interested in the hotel business at Coromandel called on us the other evening to ventilate a grievance in connection with the local Licensing Bench. It appears that last year, and for some time previously the ordinary licensing fee was either £20 or under, but this anniversary, for no apparent reason save that a little gold has been discovered at Tiki, the Bench have raised the fee to £40. The publicans in the town would not have grumbled had an extra fiver been tacked on to the £20, but they aver that £40 is altogether preposterous. In many cases the absurdity is most manifest. For instance, there is a house belonging to a man named Uncles, which lies three miles away from the township, and very often doesn't take os in a day. Not long ago the licensing fee for this house Avas £5, yet iioav it is assessed at the same rates as those in the centre of the township. The Avorst part of the business seems to be that the publicans are of opinion that private feeling of a not very creditable kind has influenced the deliberations of the Bench. We don't for an instant believe this could be so, and shall therefore say nothing of the yarns repeated to us, but it would be well for all parties if the Bench reconsidered matters, and arranged the licensing fees on a more equitable basis.

To the Editor : Sir, — A rather good story is going the round of commercial circles ; too good indeed not to he circulated among the general public. It appears that at the meetings of Messrs B. and Co. 'si creditors, a popular chemist took a most, if not the most, prominent part in . the proceedings. He was ably assisted by Mr U., and between them they managed to ease matters for the bankrupt very considerably. It appears that many of the resolutions passed at the aforesaid creditors meetings were either proposed or seconded by the chemist, whom we will call Mr A. Or course every one present at the meetings were impressed with the belief that Mr A. had got the bankrupt very deep in his books, and many were the guesses made at the nature of the mercantile transactions which had transpired between them. Some suggested that Messrs B. and Co.'s customers required, in addition to alcoholic beverages, also medical pick-me-up's, Seidlitz powders, &c, and that these had been provided by the affable Queenstreet chemist. Others thought it must be some mysterious insurance account, as Mr A. is agent for a well-known Life Insurance Company. However, the whole thing remained a mystery until the "schedule" was produced, and then, to the amusement of some and chagrin of others, it turned otit that the amount due by the estate to Mr A. was positively under £5. This was a good joke in its' way, but the cream of it came afterwards, for when the bankrupt's books were inspected it turned out that instead of the estate owing A. £5, it was just the other way on — he owed the estate about £5 ! ! So he positively had no business at the meetings at all. It transpired also that Mr U s claim against the estate was under £5 ; so, as the liabilities of the whole estate were £13,000, the prominent part these two gentlemen took in winding it up may be looked upon as a remarkably good joke. — lam, &c, A Ckeditob. — [We believe that as a matter of fact the gentlemen referred to here (Messrs. A. and U.) thought the unfortunate bankrupt "more sinned against than sinning," and attended the meeting for no selfish cause, but simply to try and smooth matters for their Mend. — Ed. Obs.]

The devious and veiy various ways in which some of our " most respected citizens " endeavour to get their daughters well married redounds rather to the credit of their enterprise than their good taste. We heard a queer story about one of them the other day, and as it came straight from the fountain head, i.e., the lover himself, $ne yarn ought to he true. Young F. is a surveyor well up in the Government employ. He draws a good salary, and, by nine people out of ten, would he considered rather a "warm" man. As a matter of fact, however, F. has lived well up to his income, and, though comfortably off for a bachelor, possesses but few stocks, shares, etc. Mr Tinikins, the father of a bevy of girls, whose faces are not

' exactly fortunes, knew F. by repute. He heard he was a "warm" man and (though this is of course scandal) marked him for his own. One day, as F. was coming from church, he met one of the Miss Timkins whom he knew slightly, and was by her introduced to " dear Papa." Papa asked him to dinner, and threw liim markedly into the society of Matilda Jane. The Timkins's are extremely pious folk, and the dinner was cold ; but if the beef was semifrozen, and the potatoes tepid, Matilda's manner was warm, not to say ardent. After dinner Papa sent sent the young couple for a walk, and when they came back the rest of the familyleft them alone in the drawing-room. Well, after this Sunday F. visited at the house constantly, and was thrown at Matilda's head in such a marked manner that he hadn't strength to remonstrate. At length, one day when they were spooning in the arbour (I sat under a gooseberry bush With m.y Juliana. Lozenges I gave my love — Ipecacuanha.), F. lost his head and proposed. Of couise he was referred to Papa, and equally of course Papa said he would see him at the warehouse on the morrow.

The morrow came, and P., feeling by no means very joyful, went to keep the appointment witli his future Papa-iiwaw. On arrival at the office he found not only Mr, but Mrs Timkins, both seated judicially in large arm chairs, and both very solemn. After stating his business, F. was treated to a long tirade on the subject of marriage. Mr Timkins had, so he declared, no thought for money, but his daughter's husband must be a religious man, and what he wished to ask after most particularly was the condition of F.s soul ? F. replied that his soul was " Pretty well, thank you." He said he made no pretence of being a religious man, but lie hoped lie was not worse than other young fellows. On this Timkins grew still solemner. The ordinary young man of the present day was not religious, he feared ; he hoped, oh ! he hoped F. '• had Christ." Well, this kind of talk went on for half-an-hour or so, and then more worldly affairs came on the tapis. When Timkins heard F. had only a little money saved his face lengthened visibly, and, on the amount of the salary being made known, his manner changed instantaneously. Finally, to his intense astonishment, F. found himself coolly bowed out, Mr Timkins saying he would write to him shortly, and till then he must request F. not to visit the family.

Three days later F. got a cool letter dismissing him without rhyme or reason. On this he went to the warehouse and had the matter out Avith old Timkins, who, however, Avould give him no satisfaction. The real fact seems to be that the Timkins' thought F. had a lot of money saved, and when they found he hadn't they dismissed him. So much for true love and " pious parents-"

There is much talk now of purging the roll of the Great Unpaid, and many and wonderful are the stories told of the Justices' justice meted out in New Zealand. One of the best we have heard is that of a certain J.P. still living, and residing not a hundred miles from Auckland, who sent a man to prison for three months for having an ugly face. His judicial verdict, almost before hearing the case, was — "Three months ; take him away ; his face is quite enough to condemn him." Fortunately, as it happened, the Provincial Council of Auckland was then in session ; and tho same evening a member brought the matter before the Council, and moved an urgent address to the Governor to release the man at once. The way the member carried his point with the Council was unique. He glanced round the chamber, and said — " I should like to know Avhat honourable member will be safe if people are to be sent to gaol because they have ugly faces." That fetched them. It was an argummtum ad hominem that was irrefutable, and the motion was carried unanimously. The unfortunate man with the "ugly mug" was released.

The '^fpPIP orders" business is very mixed occasional in Auckland, and too frequently the qualifications of the candidates are of the

very thinnest description. A short time since an applicant, whose claims were not of the most desirable character, sent a notice to clerical "powers that be " to the effect that he had concluded to confer the benefit of his talents and eloquence upon the church. It is generally reported that his offer was accepted, and he would doubtless have entered the initial stage as a full-fledged lay reader, but for a certain unfortunate circumstance. Before he had the opportunity of shedding his h's from the lectern, thick as autumn leaves, he essayed the study of that fascinating literature known as "The Debtors and Creditors Act, 1876." The result of the study was that he placed himself under the fatherly care of Tommy Macftarlane. With an instinctive foresight and sagacity which did him credit, this worthy person "made friends of the mammon of unrighteousness" in the person of a confiding cabinetmaker m Queen-street a few days prior to filing his schedule. Entering the shop with the air of one to whom a thousand was a mere bagatelle, he remarked in a patronising tone, "Ahem! —probably lam a stranger to you. My name is . I -want about £30 worth of furniture. Of course I will pay cash, being unknown to you. " " Most happy to do business, " said the tradesman ; "allow me to show you our stock." Having made his selection, the would-be "holy order" individual requested that the goods should be delivered at once, remarking with a genial smile that of course he did not carry so much cash about with him, but would pay the amount on delivery of the furniture at the house. The goods were promptly despatched, together with the cashier, who, after the things were cai-efully deposited in the house, produced the account and waited for the coin. _ Presently cometh to him the happy proprietor of the brand-new chairs, &c, and, beaming with pleasure at the success of his "transaction," said, "Oh, young man, tell Mr that I find I luive hardly sufficient money in the house, but I will call over on Monday and pay him." When Monday came our holy friend took a trip over, but could not find time to interview his victim, circumstances over which he had no control guiding his steps in another direction — viz., to the office of the Trustee in Bankruptcy. The interview with the custodian of that financial morgue was doubtless satisfactory to this fellow, who so narrowly escaped the "laying on of hands." The tradesman on whom he bestowed his patronage at first felt disposed to perform that office in a sense more forcible than clerical Whether he will prosecute for fraudulent insolvency is an open question, but probably he will decide not to " throw good money after bad."

A quiet but very effective snub was administered the other evening to a young spark, whose peculiar failing it is to imagine (though it would be extremely difficult to discover any reasonable grounds for the absurd fancy) that he has only to evince a preference for any one of the opposite .sex in order to inspire her with the tender passion. On the evening in question he was at a place of entertainment, and in the course of the proceedings foimd occasion to address a few commonplaces to a young lady who sat near him. Her simple acknowledgement of his remarks was sufficient encouragement to induce our self-conceited friend to try and make the conquest complete by procuring for himself the pleasure of seeing her home. One little obstacle stood in the way — the lady was under the escort of another gentleman, who had brought her there. This, however, did not at all disconcert the redoubtable lady-killer (?) He kept a vigilant watch upon the intended recipient of his honour, and after the assembly had broken up sauntered up to her, remarked upon the fineness ot the evening, enquired if her home lay in a particular direction, and, upon receiving a negative answer, immediately preferred a request that he might be allowed the pleasure, etc., etc. The lady promptly and with sufficient clearness of voice to be heard by all who were present declined the request. Adonis, abashed beyond measiire at the unexpected rebuff, hesitated, negotiated a few powerful and long-drawn coughs, fumbled in his watch pocket for his timepiece, and then, having consulted it, crossed over to a male acquaintance, who providentially hove in sight at the embarrassing period. He fled silently, and has not been seen to smile since.

— W. G. Garrard, the great unemployed agitator, has developed into a bloated contractor. He tendered for the removal of the ruins of Mason's premises in Queen-street, and his tender was accepted, the amount being £6 10s. Last week he was actually seen at work ! The world is evidently coming to an end after aUI

£ s. a. Board and lodging for X., native interpreter 15 0 2 Small Beers for X., 3 6 Cash for "Haka", 1-11 o 6 Bottles Syrup 110 0 2 Do. Bum "8 0 Boat for Mr X., 15 0 Beer for X., 4 6 Gin and Riun 18 0 Total ... ... £7 5 0