The Observer.

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 20, 29 January 1881, Page 192

The Observer.

Saturday, January 29th, ISSI.

Aii aged spinster, whose good looks will never be likely to cause even a fleeting pang of jealousy in the bosoms of her female friends, or tend to quicken by a single beat the heart pulsations of her male ones, stepped gaily into a Ponsonby bus on Tuesday evening last. No sooner had she settled herself well down in her sent than the rest of the passengers, especially those in her immediate vicinity, began those uneasy sniffings and" suspicious glances which betoken the presence of an unpleasant odor, but a failure to exactly locate it. At last suspicion grew into conviction, and a cleat; space was left on either side of the aged spinster. This she took for politeness on the part of her neighbours, and assured them " they didn't crowd her at all." But one old gentleman, well known in Ponsonby, whose olfactory nerves were of an extra sensitive order, determined to "bell the cat." liaising his hat, and smiling as only a bald-headed man in spectacles can smile, he remarked: "Madam, I fear some medicine bottle in your satchel has broken." It took some time for the aged one to realize the situation. When she did, she hastily undid the satchel, and peared into that receptacle for female sundries. She seemed a little bit staggered herself when her nose came in such close contact, but with a persistency worthy of a better reward, she felt around until she hauled forth a little phial, whose corkhadcome out. It was labeled "Assafceticla" Long before this valuable discovery was made, she and a gentleman past the meridian of life were the sole occupants of the inside of that car. To him she explained that she had been that day presented with the said bottle by her nephew, an apprentice at a popular Queenstreet chemist's, who assured her that she need never fear that scourge of beauty — mosquitoes — so long as she carried it around with. her. In calling to mind the little particulars, she stated that she did notice a peculiar twinkle in that nephew's eye, which the seriousness of the situation did not seem to warrant. The other passenger quietly remarked, that though assafoitida was quite equal to skunk as a deodorizer, it was not in general use, owing, probably, to local prejudice. For his part, he added that what slight odor reached Mm he did not consider so particularly offensive. He however, qualified this faint praise by adding that, oAving to nasal catarrh, he had entirely lost the organs of smell. When the spinster heard this she sidled up closer, held out her hand, and exclaimed: " That is just my case too." Who knows but a romance may yet grow out of even such a smellancholy joke as this 1 For further particulars see conductor of the 4.30 Ponsonby tnis.

Last week I wrote a par. about the North sweep fiasco, which, through a very annoying concatenation of circumstances got shoved on one aide and forgotten. The effect of it, however, was this — that when people invest in sweeps they should take into consideration the position and substantiality of the getter up. Who, after all, was this North? Why, just a tuppenny halfpenny hairdresser, with a liired shop, and a stock in it worth perhaps £200. Compare his position with — say Abbott's. On the one hand/ we have a man making (over and above his expenditure) possibly £3 a week, to whom £4000 must have sco ned a large fortune — on the other a thriving an. i well-off publican, with a large and rapidlyinc; easing business, worth a good deal more than that sum. What speculators have to consider when they give a man a pound for a sweep is, " wUI it pay this fellow to bolt for the sake of £2000 or £3000, or whatever the grand total may happen to be?" Take Abbott's case for instance. By getting up these sweeps honestly lie (setting aside his regular business) makes an income of £700 or £800, which increases every year. Reflect, then, what a fatuous fool he would be to bolt with a £5000 or even a £10,000 swee p_(l.) It would be killing the goose that lays the golden eggs. (2.) It would be sacrificing a certain income of £800, or in other words about £12,000 for a much lesser sum. (3.) It would entail the loss of probably the best publican's business in Auckland, and the abandonment of a property worth half-a-dozen sweeps. I put the matter thus, not because the argument that Mr. Abbott is an honest man, and therefore unlikely to bolt, is not equally good, but because reasoning of this kind goes home to even the most suspicious minds.

My London correspondent writes :— Lord Ueaconsneltl s novel is literally in everybody's mouth. Scarcely anything else has been talked about during the last week. The noble author is reported to have received twelve thousand pounds for his work, and the publishers expect to clear three times that amount. Secret overtures were made by unscrupulous newspaper proprietors— or their emissaries—for the obtainlnent of early proofsheets, and it is even hinted that a bookbinder's apprentice was tempted by a bribe of one thousand golden soverigns to steal an unbound copy. Detectives formed a cordon around the printing and binding offices and intruders were unceremoniously bludgeoned by the police. A gentleman attired as a printer s devil, and bearing a striking resemblance to Mr. George Augustus Sola, was captured as be was leaving the printers', and on being searched, a complete copy of the work was found m the lining o f his waistcoat. The delinquent was at once locked up, and the precious "copy" was immediately sent under convoy to the binder's. So well guarded was tne secret of "Endyniion's" advent, that only one of the London papers was enabled to steal a march upon its rivals, and how that speeiallvfavoured journal obtained its early copy of the book, goodness— and somebody—only know

The Herald has lately announced an important communication held with the spirit world which does not seem to have attracted so much notice as it deserves. It states that "an attempt was made the other day by certain natives not interested in the Omaranui Mock to induce Tareha, now deceased, to retake possession of that land." Only fignrez-vovs as we say in France, the consternation of Messrs Ormond, Sutton and Co. if the sable chieftain had acceded to this request, and had ascended or descended (as the case may be) from his spiritual abode and once more appeared on earth and claimed Omaranui. However the veracious chronicle goes on to state that the reply of this deceased warrior "was characteristic of the man." .He said, "I have pledged my word, and I keep to it ; it is you would bring trouble upon us. The days of evil have been plenty, let these be the days of peace " From this we may gather that the old chief finds his lines at present fallen in pleasant places, and from the fact of his refusing, under existing circumstances to break his pledged word one may conclude* that his surroundings are not all evil. In fact a most impressive sermon could be preached from this latest message from spirit land.

Father A., the good-looking but rather amorous priest of . has at last come to grief. His flock built him a nice four-roomed house, and provided him -with a housekeeper of the name of Mary P., one of the prettiest girls in the settlement, and not twenty years of age. All went on fairly well for a time, though it it was remarked that when there was any merry -making the rev. Father managed to get his arms round all the nicest girls and kiss them. At length lie made violent love to his housekeeper, which she resented. Bolts and •bars would not stop his ardent passion, so he forced his way into her bedroom. This was going rather too far, and she left the place. One day Father A. adjourned to a neighbouring hotel where he was accustomed to go for his cheerful glass and a game of euchre. There things came to a climax ; he saw his inamorata coquetting en the verandah ; the green-eyed monster seized him, and he rushed madly forth to punish the fair one. She saw him coming and made a rush for the end of the verandah, and as she was jumping down his toe caught in her petticoats and the Father landed on the broad of his back on the iloor of the verandah amidst shouts of laughter from the lookers-on, among whom was a Mrs. C, a wellknown nurse. This excellent person rated him soundly, and.told him he was no better than he should be, upon which Father A. retaliated, and on the nurse throwing a glass of wine in his face he boxed her ears. She immediately, womanlike, rushed at him, tearing large handfuls of hair out of his head and beard. At last, finding he was getting the worst of it, lie took an unmanly advantage, upon which the bystanders interfered. The next day. Father A. left the pretty little rural settlement for Auckland. The inhabitants say that they have had enough of priests, and that in the future they don't intend allowing their wives and daughters to be kissed at Confession, even though the worthy priest may declare it is only a father's kiss.

The following incident will show in what respect this journal is held up the Waikato country. The other day three gentlemen drove from Cambridge to Hamilton. The day being warm, they divested themselves of their coats and journeyed along tolerably comfortabty. On arriving within a short distance of their destination, the driver, who by the way is well known _ and deservedly respected, proceeded to place himself inside Ins coat, remarking to his companions, " You can do as you like, but I'm afraid of that — (well it was not blessed)— Observer."

The Helensville boys gave the Onehungas a terrible beating at cricket on Friday -week, and poor Uavie Donovan was disconsolate. Palmer and Wheatman, ior Helensville, were dead on the -wicket, as -was also the aforesaid Davie for Onehunga. The ground was awfully hard, and poor old Paton got a fearful Avhaek on the ear from a ball of Palmer's, and another on the chatterbox from our beloved Andrew. A distinguished member of the Helensville team played a ball into his own eye. It is needless to say that he didn't run for it. Barr, of Oneliunga, might have been seen sucking his thumb as If it -was the most delicious "stick jaw" imaginable, and from the appearance of the players when they returned from the play, one would imagine that a whole hospital had been holiday making. The next time the Oneliunga folks play the Helensvillans on the same ground, suits a la Ned Kelly would be safe and appropriate. The " Cricket Ball " in the evening -was by far the most brilliant affair ever held in Helensville. The ladies were beautiful and plentiful, and included the tall and graceful Miss D. of Ponsonby and Miss J. looking as pretty as ever. The Kaukapakapa ladies were m full force and included the three Miss R's., one at least of whom is a very pretty girl and tastefully dressed in pink and white. The old man was awfully proud of them as well he might be.

An . Onehunga correspondent, who seems much exercised in his mind, writes : — " Oh, ye Gods and little fishes, how many more classes of society are we going to have in Oneliunga. At present there are three, which may he thus denned — 1 the ice creamers or upper ten ; 2 the jam tarts or middle class ; 3 the gunny hags or lower Jive. Now, sir, I decidedly object to ■being called a gunny bag, and I wish to try and creep into middle class society. Somehow their social party last week passed off with considerable eclat, " although," as one of the tarts who is universally beloved on acoount of his polite and gentlemanly disposition condescended to inform me "social party's are expensive, particularly when those invited forget to pay, ' ' but, " he added, • ' ours was < very select. " Now I did moan in private to think that my lot was cast among the gunny bag fraternity, while the jam tarts were revelling m enjoyment. There is weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth among the lower five, at being excluded from middle class parties on account of birth, breeding, &c, but of the middle class folks in Onehunga, I will say with the poet, They forget the dunghill from whence they grew, And tliink themselves the Lord knows who. —I am, &c, Under the Verandah.

It is my fixed intention to "begin growing peaches next year if only for the purpose of getting them stolen. According to Thursday's Herald having ones orchard robbed must be quite a profitable game. In the police reports for that day there was a statement to the effect that an unfortunate youth (whom I will not annoy by naming) was charged with stealing a couple or so of green peaches, valued at tuppence, from a garden in Wellesley-street. Well, the Bench found the boy guilty, and fined him ten shillings and costs, with the addition of a refund of half a sovereign, which he had to hand over to. the prosecutor. Now, setting the heavy fine on one side, ten shillings as a quid pro quo for two pennorth of peaches sounds pretty good value, and suggests that these fearful depredations are not unlikely to become of tolerably frequent occurence. Joking apart, the whole affair is the most extraordinary piece of justices justice I've heard of lately.

A lady, who lives not a hundred miles from the AxickJand Post Office, has a fascinating tongue, which she employs with eloquent effect in descriptive and other "discourse. The other day she was enthusiastically dilating on the many charms and beauties o some extraordinary geraniums she had seen somewhere; in fact she was boring the company over the precious flowers. In the midst of lnr fluent and ample deliverance, the clergyman present suddenly interrupted her with the enquiry, "And had they tails, ma'am?" She took the bait, and replied without thinking, "Indeed they had, beautiful scarlet tails — ." The laughter of her auditory made her pause Avith a stammer, and she bored them no more for the rest of the evening.

<$» '' ' Feminine," determined (womanlike) to have the last word with " Justice," writes as follows : — Dear me, Mr. Editor, am I never to have any peace ? Did it take a whole fortnight to produce that master piece of masculine and logical writing which appears, over 'the signature "Justice," in your last Observer? Well, this is the la.st time — there is such a thing as wearing a topic thread-Lave, and however much in future Justice may " commit himself," or however "foolishly" he may write, I shall let him alone. What" I wished to prove in my last letter was this : that profound scholarship without the divine lire, the fervid and burning utterances which iiowcd from the lips of prophets and seers of old, of apostles and evangelists of the past, and which now give strength and force to the teachers, preachers, and evangelists of the present day, is of very little use indeed to christianize the masses. Is Mr. Hill, then not a scholar? Was it I who used, the expressions "earnest ignorance" and "lluent common place" in connection with him ? Who does "Justice" mean when he talks of "rattling wind hags, burdened with sound, minus sense ?" Rather a strong figure of speech by the way. He says that Spurgeon is a scholar. I should say not ; but rather a man of education, who has educated himself. There is a wide difference between an educated man and a profound scholar. Then lam desired to read ecclesiastical history, and to study the lives of Wickliffe, Savanarola, Loyala, Xavier, Luther, &c. Allow me to tell Justice that I had the privelege of being educated by one of the best scholars in England, and that my youth was spent in the study of these and similar lives, in the profound and critical study of all classes of history. I will single out two of these men, who effected perhaps the greatest religious movements ever experienced by the church, Ignatius Loyala and Martin Luther. Loyala was certainly not a scholar in any sense. He was a soldier, who, lying wounded, and unable to stir, solaced himself with reading some lives of the saints ; Then shuddering at the remembrance of lus former sins, he repented, and believed himself inspired to regulate the world. It was a mediaeval resuscitation of Saint Augustine. It was assuredly not Loyala's scholarly acquirements which, enabled him to found the gigantic and deep laid and widespread Order of the Society of Jesus. No, it was his strong enthusiasm, his earnest belief in his own mission, which induced him to keep the solemn night watches with his chosen band, and made him the gifted; self-denying, powerful superior of that insidious and wonderful society. Luther was an educated man ; but here again it was not his education as a monk, it was not his brilliant acquirements, but his withdrawing from them all, his throwing them off as worn out garments, and turning to the Bible only for his gifts, and for his strength, which made Luther the champion of the Reformation. A plain and simple man he was, and come of plain and simple folk, and plainly and simply he talked to his fellow men. There was no parade of scholarship with him. Again, it was not St. Frances Xavier's learning, biit his almost inimitable life, his abnegation, his devoted, charity, his love, like that of the apostle John, which reclaimed and converted the ferocious and ignorant heathen. It is useless to multiply examples. Igo back to my first stand point, that no amount of scholarly acquirements in our clergymen will make up for the lack of the divine afflatus, the power to speak the burning words of truth and life, straight out from their own hearts to the hearts of their fellow men. If these are combined with profound scholarship, then we may thank God, and take courage ; but if not, let us have the word of truth, of comfort, and of life, even if it Le enshrined in earthen vessels. And above all things let us guard against the serious error, that because a man is a scholar he should necessarily be a successful preacher. Let ' ' Justice" endeavour to be just. Is it so wonderful a thing in Auckland for all clergymen to be scholars ? Are not most of them siich ? And would it not be more manly not to- indulge in quite so many sneers at Feminine.

To the Editor : Sir,— l should like to say a few words, on behalf of the Young Women's Institute, to the rich and generous ladies f of Auckland. I know there are many such. No institution in the city is more deserving of supporij nor is there one more needed*. It affords a kind and watchful home to young women at so low a price that it comes within the reach of most, and it is thoroughly well conducted. To many of the teachers in our city schools it was invaluable last winter. It is £109 in debt, yet think how small a sum that is after the large expense of furnishing is taken into consideration. Miss Laura Smith, to whose untiring efforts it owes its origin, is unwilling to continue it in existence if the debt be not liquidated, fearing to incur fresh liabilities. Can nothing be done ? "Will no gentleman or lady head a subscription list to clear off the debt?— l am, &c, A LADY.

Now that the sinister rumours so long connected with the name of Professor Swallow have been deliberately (though most mistakenly) published in one of the daily papers, it behoves that gentleman to prosecute his accusers criminally for libel with as little delay as possible. If he does not, people will naturally assume the worst and can scarcely be blamed for so doing, I can only say that if I were the victim of such abominable imputations I would spend my last sixpence and rest neither night nor day till I had brought the truth to light and the libeller to justice.

Apropos of this very unpleasant affair, I may mention that there was a slight scandal at St. Paul's on Tuesday evening. Mr. Nelson had advertised a dedication service ("evensong with sermon,") and a large number of people (pious souls) assembled to do honour to the occasion. What was their surprise to find the door dosed, and receive notice to the effect that the incumbent had changed his mind. On enquiring the reason of this somewhat erratic conduct, I was informed that Mr. Nelson had determined not to sit in the same church as Professor Swallow until the latter vindicates his character. Fearing the Professor might force his way into the building, and that tiiere would be a row, Mr. Nelson thought it better to close the church, and no doubt he acted rightly. The sooner the present state of affairs is brought to a climax the better. I hear that several families intend to give up their seats unless Mr. Swallow either retires or rights himself, and public^ opinion will most certainly uphold them in this course.

Mr. Firth, has received a letter from a "person" of the name of Green, and Mr. Firth. is so full of wrath thereat that at a recent meeting of the Waste Lands Board he positively "boiled over with indignation, and I am sorry to say expressed himself in language unbecoming a miller and a member of the Waste Lands Board. The amusing part of matter is that the contents of the letter which so roused Mr. Firth's ire are not published in the newspaper report of the proceedings. It has been whispered to me that this letter ' ' from a party by the name of Green " contained some extremely sound, strong, and logical arguments against Mr. Firth's proposed gum tax, (hinc Him lacryince). In the course of a very long experience, as Mr. Firth, plaintively pleads, he had never seen the like of this letter, "for folly, conceit, ignorance, and impudence." The "folly" of this "party by the name of Green " consisted in his not seeing the wisdom of a gum tax; the "conceit" in his imagining that he could have any opinion in the matter. The "ignorance and impudence " was displayed in his daring to presume to address the worthy miller and member of the Waste Lands Board, &c, &c. This "party by the name of Green" actually, shrieked Mr. Firth, "holds me responsible for the sparrows," then as glancing round at the faces of his colleagues, he saw a smile stealing over their grim visages, and suddenly remembering that he was in a great measure responsible for the sparrows, he added, "or rather, all the curses that have followed their introduction." This, my dear Mr. Firth, is a distinction without a difference. If I introduce rattlesnakes into the country, am I not responsible for the deaths resulting from their bites ? It will be ho use for me to say that I only imported them because they had .such

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lovely rattles in their tails. Mr. Firth's first thought, he tells us, was to " nail the letter to the public pump. " As our public pumps are all iron, he would have some difficulty in accomplishing his purpose, but there is still another alternative, his second thought was "to send it to the Museum." Noav this latter opens up a large question, granted that Mr. Firth would be allowed by the Museum authorities to make use of that public building to gratify his private spleen ; would other citizens be allowed the same privilege, should they desire to exercise it ? The chairman who with his usual perspicacity took it all in at a glance, and for fear his colleague should make a still bigger fool of himself, he interjected that this "party by the name of Green" had already Avritten to the Board referring to Mr. Firth, and he Avent on to state that this "party" objected to the Board "assuming authority over private lands which the settlers had bought and paid for, and he failed to see what jurisdiction the Board could exercise over private lands." Upon this Mr. Firth breaks out again, " I think this unfortunate man must be a very long way on his road to the Whau," and he continues, "the poor man asked me to read his letter to the Board " but owing to changing his dress for the levee he had not got it with him; and then once more as the contents of the said letter flashes across his memory, bursts out with "as a compound of folly, impudence, puppyism and ignorance, I never saw its equal." Ah ! well Mr. Firth, such a silly, intemperate, snobbish, impotent ebullition of temper as this I have seldom seen before and certainly did not expect from you.

Some laughable blunders took place at the Governor's levee last week, and the unfortunate subjects of them have been quite shamefaced ever since in consequence. Contrary to general usage, his Excellency and his aide-de-camp stood upon the left side of the drawing room door, while all the local notabilities, and prominent amongst them, the two bishops stood arrayed on the opposite side, looking quite imposing in their gorgeous display of smooth broadcloth and stiffly-starched linen. Not a few bustling citizens, on entering, quite ignored the vice regal party on the left, and bowed most profoundly to the bishops on their right, wh%m, in blissful ignorance, they assumed to be the dignitaries of the occasion. Mr. G. J., was the most conspicuous blundrer after this fashion. He arrived rather late, and after elbowing his way rather rudely through the throng of gentlemen who blocked up the doorway, he suddenly found himself in the presence gubernatorial. Somewhat flurried by the impetuosity of his entrance he stopped short as if in doubt. Then catching sight of Bishop Steins on his right, turned his back upon the Governor, made a profound obeisance to the astonished prelate, and then passed on. Sir Arthur appeared to enjoy the mistakes immensely. The corners of his mouth were observed to be twitching with suppressed mirth, while Ms eye glistened in unmistakable merriment.