ABOUT TOWN

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 11, 27 November 1880, Page 87

ABOUT TOWN

I hope to be in a position to make some important announcements next issue.

The way in which people, who really ought to have more sense, fit on caps never intended for them is most astounding and ridiculous. Last Saturday evening I had the pleasure of hearing that an eminently respectable M.H.K., who is also a Justice of the Peace (! !), had been seen hovering nigh the Observer Office that afternoon with a new horsewhip in his hand. It was also stated (1) that this gentleman had expressed his determination to give the editor of the Observer a "sound thrashing, no matter what it cost him," and (2) that he had taken all E roper precautions to square the magistracy eforehand. 1 wonder, by the way, how the Resident Magistrates and other J.P. 's like these blatant boasts re "squaring" them. This is absolutely the second time within a month that such gossip has been current, and we all know the proverb about ' 'no smoke without lire. " But to return to the story. On hearing that the irate M.H.K. was vowing vengeance, I began to search the paper for the "casus belli." Look where I would I could for a long time find nothing applicable, till at last a friend called my attention to a certain paragraph by ejaculating, " Its as plain as a pike stall that's it." On reading the item in question (sent me by a country contributor) I saw at once the signification that might be put upon it, and " smole" a sickly smile. " But," I said, " this is intended for — , it was sent me with a lot of things about him., and I'm siire I'm right " "Well," said my friend, "you may be right, but its clear Mr. has fitted on the cap, and he is scarcely likely to enquire into the matterbefore horsewhipping you. "This was pleasant. However, there was nothing to be done but grin and bear it, to we made a few simple preparations for the assault and Avaited expectantly.

"Whether the honourable gentleman discovered his mistake or whether he remembered his commission of the peace I know not, but certain it is that up to date I have heard nothing more of the matter. lam now wondering which of us put the right interpretation on the objectionable "par"— he or I.

A contemporary has given an anonymous scribbler the opportunity of making a splenetic attack upon me for some imaginary "down" which he says I have on parsons generally. Surely it is quite iinnece'sary for me to protest that I have no d.»wn whatever on parsons. The Observer certainly hates pious frauds, and can see no reason why clergymen should be allowed to commit meannesses which would be scouted in laymen, but this is a very different thing to running-a-muck, Malay like, against the whole fraternity. Were it not for the ungentlemanly tone of the letter referred to, and the clownishly insulting references of the writer to two very estimable ladies, I should set down its authorship to Mr. Nelson himself, for it professes to be an explanation of his conduct. However, 1 candidly avow that it is far too coarse for him. The writer, whoever he be — will do well to keep within the congenial shade of anonymity, for if the friends of the ladies of whom he so rudely speaks discover his identity, they are likely to refer to a circumstance (he knows what it is) which will effectually cure him of the " cacoethes scribendi."

The reception accorded by the City Council and Harbour Board to His Excellency the Governor was about the meannest and most paltry ever recorded iv the civic annals. The arrangements were bungled, the official display was contemptible in the extreme and private assistance in the way of decoration, etc., just averted a complete and unmitigated "fiasco." The citizens have been humiliated and discredited through lack of public spirit on the part of their representatives. Instead of an afternoon half holiday being declared, in order to admit of a large attendance of the people and a full muster of the Volunteers, a wet and sloppy morning was selected at a few hours' notice. The Harbour Board were either too penurious or too discourteous to barricade the landing place, lay down a piece of carpet and engage a carriage or two for the Vice-regal party, and so the Governor had to trudge up a miry wharf, hemmed in by a motley and Tineercmonious crowd, which stared him out of countenance and commented on hispersonal appearance with the utmost effrontery. After replying in a very few sentencestothe stereotyped address, he was hustled into his carriage and driven off, followed by his private Secretary, two Corporation vehicles and Father Fynes. The other representative men who were present, as well as the clergy and the reporters, were nngraciously left upon the platform, while the miserable cortege proceeded along to Government House. Our two leading bodies have united to make the reception one of the sorriest apologies for an ovation that I have ever witnessed. It was a perfect travestie.

The Rev. C. M. Nelson is huffed, and when he is huffed he vent 3 his spleen through the medium of the pulpit at St. Paul's. Personally, I believe Mr. Nelson to be, in the strictest sense of the word, a gentleman, and it is a great pity that he cannot once and for all, throw oft* that Oxford priggislmess, which however well it may go down in the old country, is singularly out of place in a hard matter of fact city like Auckland, oxford priggislmess shows itself in a variety of obnoxious ways, and not the least offensive is the cool manner in which the Oxford clerics assume themselves superior to tin-Oxfordised mankind. This arrogance, which is not of a personally offensive character, consists in a quiet self assumption which is the outcome of a narrow theological training. La*t Sunday evening Mr N elson treated his hearers to an essay on liars, looking at the subject from a truly Christian stand point. The question was a perfectly fair one for a minister to handle, but one couldn't listen five nirmites without being impressed with the belief that the rev. gentleman was taking advantage of his pulpjt to have a slap at some of the congregation, and also at that portion of the press which has recently cause him some annoyance. He enlarged

upon eveiy shade of lie from tho Slackest falsehood to the whitest tarradiddle, and was especially severe on the evil-minded scribblers of the press, who attacked individuals from behind a secure shelter of anonymity. If this portion of the sermon was (as most of the congregation assumed) intended for the Observer, lam afraid it missed its mark. In the first place, the scribbling in this journal is not anonymous. There is an editor who is responsible for every line that appears, and if Mr. Nelson considers he has been misrepresented, he has only got to come and explain matters to secure rectification. I fear, however, the Observer has been pretty right in its strictures re St. Paul's. The choir and most of the congregation (barring of course Mr. N.s intimate friends and relations) seem to say so, and they are, I opine, tolerably fair judges.

There is a nice little story attached to the present of £2 25. , made by Mick Gallagher of the Thistle Hotel, to the Konian Catholic Orphanage. About a fortnight ago, it appears, Mick began to miss money from the till of the upstairs bar. One night five shillings disappeared mysteriously, the next ten were nowhere to be found, and finally the culprit nabbed a, pound. Thinking this was too much of a good thing, Mick cautiously laid his plans, and between four and seven in the afternoon, when business is pretty slack, posted a confidential servant under the sofa in the billiard room. Nothing happened for three nights, but on the fourth, when the barmaid went oiytside for a minute, the concealed one saw the little Italian violinist, who is always hanging about the bar rooms of public houses, slip in and make a dart at the till. He was just caught nicely with his hand on the money, and Mr. Gallagher, hearing some screeching, ran upstairs. The agony of the young wretch was, I am told, most ludicrous. He clung round Mick's legs and prayed for mercy in heartrending tones. Mick, however, refused to be appeased, and the thiei's father was sent for. This worthy came in a great hurry, and was so flurried that it looked as if he suspected something. He begged for mercy even more humbly than the lad, and finally Mr. Gallagher agreed to let him off, only stipulating that the boy should receive a sound thrashing, that both father and son should clear out of Auckland within a Aveek, and that the former should give two guineas to Father Walter's orphanage. The terms I need scarcely say were most thankfully agreed to.

Talking of thieving reminds me of another swindle almost . oqually impudent. The other day a man (I will not give his name this time, though I know it) went to Mr. H 's, the grocer in F street, and announcing that he was on the staff of the Observer, demanded a month's credit. Mr. H didn't much like the look of the fellow, but his manners were so plausible that he at last agreed to open a weekly account. On this our friend commenced to pick out a number of expensive delicacies, and prepared to walk oft' with them. Mr. H^ , however, objected, and finally the luckless wretch retired empty handed, threatening the grocer with " a good slating in Saturday's Observer. " JN oav, I need scarcely say, this rank imposter had nothing whatever to do with us. I don't know whether he has been practising the same game elsewhere, but if he lias I shall esteem it a great favour to be told. Any talk about " slatings "_ should at once expose such a pei'son. There is only one writer privileged to "slate" on this paper, and that is the editor. Any one who boasts about being able to ' ' comb down " this person or "crack up" that one in the Observer is a fraud and liar.

When I published the memoir of Mr. Thomas Russi-11 in " Pen and Ink Portraits," I was not aware of one episode in his life, which does in* fiuite credit to his kindness of heart and manly courage. He was proceeding to church one Sunday morning in his usual orthodox black when the shrieks of a woman were heard from a right-of-way. The footpath was lined with crowds of piotis-lookinjj worshippers proceeding with their well-dressed wives and daughters to the same church as Mr. Russell, but only two men turned aside to aid the distressed female. The rest thought it was a case of some poor woman receiving a trashing from her brutal and drunken husband, and, like the Pharisee, passed by on the other side. When Mr. Russell rushed to the spot whence the cries proceeded he saw a woman wringing her hands despairing over the open mouth of a well. There was no rope or windlass, and the well was deep and slimy, but Mr. Russell took in the situation at a glance, lowered himself down by sheer muscular strength, supporting himself by wedging his knees and back against the sides, grasped the child, and held himself up until help came and he was dragged up. The child's life was saved at the expense ox a suit of fine broadcloth. The woman Avas a stranger to Mr. Russell. My informant witnessed this noble deed, but says Mr. Russell carefully suppressed any reference to it in the papers. A man who conld perform such an act spontaneously deserves to enjoy wealth. There are many wealthy parvenus who would have hesitated to soil their clothes to save the child of a poor woman, not to speak of risking their precious lives.

The likeness between the one pound and five pound notes of the local banks frequently leads to disastrous errors. The other day a gentleman, who won come money over the boat race* went to the Thistle Hotel to receive it. After taking two fiver's and several one's of the Bank of Australasia from Jimmy Poole, a couple of bottles of champagne were called for, and Mn A paid for them with (as he thought) two one pound notes. He went straight home soon afterwards, and thought no more of the. matter till next morning, when, on counting over his money, he found he was a fiver short. Suspecting that he had given Louie a fiver instead of a one pound note, he went up and spoke to Gallagher about it. That worthy at once admitted that he had found a fiver in the till, and handed it over. Me thinks there are, not many publicans who would have '* parted.' under the circumstances.

Some time ago a young couple got married and, as the bridegroom's income was not verylarge, they decided not to keep a servant. Two or three weeks after the wedding, the bride* groom discovered that he had put on his last clean shirt. He told bis bride about it, but she did not take the hint, so one morning he arosevery early and proceeded to wash a shirt in one of the bed-room basins. The noise awoke his bride, who asked him what he was doing. . He told her. " Very well, dear," she calmly aaid, "while you are about it you might wash one for me too." I draw the curtain of charity Over the bridegroom's reply, but I may remark that he did not finish washing that shirt. v

As the apostle of the gospel of Coutt's Acetic Acid was wending his way the other evening along the Kyber Pass Road to the hall in which he was to deliver a lecture, he discovered one of our M.D.'s who is grievously afflicted Avith rheumatism, painfully mounting the steps of his carriage. The sight inspired Mr. Hayter Avith love and pity. The medical milkman's heart is as soft as Ids butter, and this melancholy spectacle of a physician unable to heal himself caused his eyes to become as watery as his milk. Turning to him, he said, "I say Doctor 1 can tell you Avhat Avill cure you. Coutt's Acetic Acid has Avorked some marvellous cures in cases of gout and chronic rheumatism." "Fellow," replied the offended M.D., " don't talk of your quack stuff to me. Go about your business. " Further persuasions still more incensed the doctor, Avh<> denounced the vendor of milk and acid as a " quack, a fool, and an idiot," and threatened to give him in charge of the police if he did not cease his philanthropic endeavours to cure him of his complaints. The amateur medico turned sorrowfully aAvay from the M. D. , Avondering Avhy the " legally qualified medical practitioners of this city" regard him Avith such hostile feelings.

Talking about doctors, reminds me of a very extraordinary story about another of our physicians. A gentleman about a year ago found that there was a small sore appearing on the tip of his tongue. It became so painful that he went to Dr. K. for medical treatment. He was under his care for about ten months, but the sore gradually spread and the doctor was utterly unable to relieve him, and for some mysterious reason either would not, or perhaps could not, tell him what was the matter. As a last resource, the patient went to the Hospital and was informed that he was suffering from cancer ; that if he had come for treatment some time before, he might have been cured, but now he .had not six months to live, as it that was too late to check the progress of the disease. What the man's feelings were on hearing sentence of death thus pa-seel on him, may be imagined, and it is not surprising that he sought an interview Avith his medical advi-er, and bitterly denounced him as his murderer. The Dr, coolly informed him that he had known all the time what the complaint was, but had not thought it advisable to inform him that he was in any danger ! In less than three months the man was dead, and not long ago his remains were carried to their last re-ting place, and the doctor's mistake, (if any mistake was made, which seems doubtful) buried out of sight.

It appears that the sermon which Pastor Webb recently delivered against theatrical performances and dancing was inspired by Avhat took place at the opening of the Mount Albert Hall. Mrs. C. B. S , Avhose acting in the sprightly comedy performed on that occasion, Avas so much admired, is a member of his church, and the worthy parson Avas grieved in spirit at Mrs. S 's worldliness. As her spiritual adviser he paid her a visit, but being unable to convince her of the error of her Avays in private conversation, he took the first opportunity that presented itself of fulminating trom the pulpit against public amusements in general and theatrical performances and dancing in particular.

A young man, who is very respectably connected, Avas brought up at the Police Court sometime ago, charged Avith stealing a large sum of money. There Avas no doubt about his guilt, indeed, he confessed the Avhole matter to Detective Jeffrey. He was remanded for a week, and, during that Aveek, the matter aa as " squared" Avith the prosecutor. When he Avas brought up again, the latter refused to give evidence against him, and he Avas discharged. This Avas erring on the side of mercy, and all very right, but Avould the result have been the same if the lad's father had been a poor man ? I trow not, for poverty constitutes a crime in this country. Methinks the prosecutor Avould have been placed in the witness box and compelled to give his evidence.

A similar case came before the Police Court last Saturday. A youth was brought up, charged Avith stealing 265. 6d. from his employer. He pleaded guilty— to the Magistrate, hoAvever, instead of to the detective. He had no Avealthy friends and no laAvyer, and, in consequence, Avas sentenced to three months' imprisonment, with hard labour.

The Port Albert people are, and always have been, a queer lot. Some of them started a free love community three or four years ago, so it is not astonishing that many of the Auckland converts to Mor monism hail from the banks of the Oruawharo. Two more of these eccentric settlers, a young couple who are very fond of each other, have recently joined the Saints, and now chant the praises of holy Joe Smith. John is a blithe young surveyoz-, and Annie, crazy though some of her friends deem her to be, is a sensible, buxom damsel of eighteen summers. They are not yet married, but are to be shipped off with the next consignment of Saints to the New Jerusalem, and will be there united by President Taylor, a nnie met with a painful accident a year or two ago, and our medicos not being able to restore her to her pristine health, say that a sea trip will do her good. So they are going to Salt Lake City in search of perfect health and perfect bliss. Perchance they may secure both, but more probably — neither.

There is a great to-do just now in the papers about match poisoning, and parents are greatly concerned thereat. Dr. Philson has given evidence at an inquest to the effect that a ■ child's death could be caused by sucking the heads off three or four matches. Now are all < matches equally poisonous ? If they are, can some children take with impunity what would : kill others ? In a house in which I was lodg- , ing recently, I frequently took boxes of matches ' from a little four-year-old boy, the son of my landlady. He did not eat them by twos and „ threes, but by the dozen, and he never appareutiy'suffered the least ill effects,

Apropos of the banquet given by the Lord I Mayor of London to the Austialian cricketers, Mr. Labouchere, M.P. (editor of "Truth*"), writes : "It was indeed a happy idea on the part of the Lord Mayor to thus entertain our Colonial visitors, and there can be no doubt that his hospitality will be as warmly appreciated by all colonists as it seemed to be by the several members of the Australian team. Mr. Murdoch, who occupied the post of honour on the right of the host, made a capital speech in reply to the toast of the evening. His remarks respecting the cloud that at one time threatened to interfere with the success of the visit were both kind and candid, and his touching allusion to the sad loss the cricketing world lias suffered in the death of Mr. G. F. Grace, was most feelingly made. Lord Harris, who replied to the toast of " Eiiglish Cricketers," made for the first eight or ten minutes a really capital speech, and had he stopped at the end of that time, every English cricketer present would have been both proud of and delighted at their representative. But he would go on, and subsequently became prosy, and then, to make matters worse, finished up with a very unnecessary allusion to the Marylebone Club. It was a great pity, as the commencement of his speech was more than good —it was very good. The Lord Mayor then proposed " Our Colonies," coupling with the toast the names of Sir . Blytli, Sir Julius Yogel, and the Hon. W. Forstcr. The first-named gentleman replied in a few sensible words, and then came Sir Julius Yogel. He may have made a very fine speech, but it was inaudible ; as the company not caring to hear a Colonial lecture, and finding, after listening attentively some five minutes, that the speech was taking that form, began to got impatient, and carry on a loud conversation. This, liowever, made no difference to the speaker. He had evidently prepared his speech, so make it he would, regardless of the wishes of his audience. He may be speaking still; for I, in common Avith many others, took advantage of the noise —to leave." o —

"Harper's Magazine " is responsible for the addition made to a famous epitaph rendered below, and the others, I think, are somewhat quaint and worth reproducing. I give it untouched :—"Sacred to the memory of Lady Elizabeth O'Looney, first cousin to Burke, commonly call d the Sublime. She was bland, passionate, and deeply religious. .Also she painted in water colours, and sent many pictures to the Great Exhibition, and of such is the kingdom of Heaven. She lived the life of the virtuous, and died of cholera morbus, caused by eating green fruit in the full hope of a blessed immoitnlity at the early age of twenty years, three mos, and sixteen days. Reader ! go thou and do likewise !" ♦-

A Aveather-beaten stone in the quiet churchyard of Culmore, some feAy miles from Londonderry, gives the folloAving information:—" Here lies the remains of Thomas N icholls, who died in Philadelphia, March, 1783. Had he lived he would have been buried, here." Which is only surpassed by this, from a tombstone in Ulster : —" To the memory of Thomas Kelly, who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of respect."

-* An old and staid Presbyterian was observed the other day very attentively examining the gorgeous circus posters on the side of Mr. MeNiccol's office on the Avharf. Having finished a leisurely inspection he turned to a bystander and with the utmost seriousness remarked, " Hech mon, this is no right, I didna think they'd be alloAved tae pent the lasses wi' naked legs. I maun see Mr. Macniccol aboot it." He has been talking of the " weekid, sinfu' spectacle" ever since, but it is rather singular that he should so often passs that way without once averting his eyes from the "al fresco" picture gallery. I would advise the godly old saint not to Arenture near the Museum as the sight of the statuary might vex unto death his righteous, Calvanistic soul. +

Mr. George Hayter's lecture in the Temperance Hall, on "The Signs of the Times, "Avas enlivened by a dramatic scene, which was not on the advertised programme. During the early part of the evening, the attention of the audience Avas frequently distracted by the irrepressible laughter of an excitable female. As the lecturer proceeded, the cachinnations i became more and more frequent and violent. At length, urged by some larrikins eager for fun, there staggered up the hall toAvards the platform a young woman holding Ln one hand. a square gin bottle, and with the other hand endeavoring J to steady her uncertain footsteps by clutching at j the forms as she passed along. With a drunken leer on her face, she held out the bottle to ; Hayter, avlio is a staunch teetotaller, and hiccoughed forth, "Come and have a drink, old man, come and have a drink." The " old man" declined the invitation, and the Avretched Avoman reeled back again and disappeared outside, followed by a considerable portion of the small, i but not very select, audience.