ABOUT TOWN

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 10, 20 November 1880, Page 77

ABOUT TOWN

" 'Twas but a little painted pig, But all ! how fondly dear." Fondly dear, in point of fact, doesn't rightly express my feelings towards that pig. I positively adore him. Oh ! come let us adore him ! Oh ! come let us adore him ! Oh ! come let us adore him ! That sweet suave swine. Mr. Hopkins and his donkey did the Observes one good turn, but they are really nowhere •beside Bertie Saverna and Co. Last weeks paper went like wildfire, in fact after printing two editions we hadn't one in the place on Saturday morning.

If Mr. Hurst's tact and courtesy were only equal to his easy temper and good humoured tolerance of chaff, he would be really, in stead of fictitiously, popular. I don't love him, but it is impossible not to admire the stolid indifference with which he has borne the chaff about the pig business. Many men would have gone half mad under it.

That Mr. Hurst will get a verdict against the Agricultural Society no one who is acquainted ' -with the circumstances of the pig case can doubt. The black-leading business has made an excellent joke, and will stick to the blatant M.H.K. for life, but to disquiilify the unfortunate Bertie was a mistake. lam informed on good authority that half the cattle at the Show were prepared for the occasion in some special way, and that it is quite an ordinary thing to I try and conceal blemishes and bring out good points. Don't think I defend the custom. JSfot at all. The Committee were undoubtedly quite right to mark their disapprobation of it, but instead of disqualifying the pig they should have debarred Hurst from competing at future meetings This would have been well within their rights and a severe punishment.

There are two A lfs in Auckland beside whom ' all other Alfs fade into hopeless insignificance. One is Alf Isaacs, and the other is Alf Whitaker. Both belong to the "hupper suckles" and both "bear the reputation of being jolly good fellows. The Alf whose Apollo-like form "Quiz" has attempted to delineate herein is the eldest hope of "our Mr. Edward Isaacs," and the brother of that renowned bruiser, the redoubtable Bob. He has, people tell me, a holy horror of anything in the shape of "butter," so I will merely say that, besides being a sharp man of "business and a clever athlete, he is a very suc-j cessf ul amateur farmer. Mr. Alfred Isaacs it was reared the: renowned pig "Dizzy," which secured the first prize at 4be recent Show and upset the Historical Bertie Say erna. He also received a first prize for a heifer of his and a 1 second for a bull, not to mention such small matters as rewards for poultry and hot-housd plants. Mr. Isaacs' name is associated with many kindly acts and may always be seen in a prominent position on charitable subscription lists.

Mr. Lionel Phillips marked his appreciation of the portrait in last week's Observer by sending us two dozen of Messrs. Ehrenfried's A 1 beer as " a drink for all hands. " The example is an excellent one, and I hope will be followed up. To those who have already been pourtrayed in these columns, the following suggestions for appropriate presents may prove helpful — Mr. Hurst, a Bertie Saverna p ; g ; Mr. J. B. Kussell, a writ; Mr. Nelson, a blessing (cheap and nasty) ; Mr. Allan West, dancing pumps ; Mr. Reader Wood, a pair of boots ; Dr. Phil-on, a strong purgative ; Mr. Tyler, a lawyer's letter; and Professor Swallow, a lock of back hair.

An amusing scene occurred the other day in one of our suburban omnibuses. A lady was sitting in it when a woman and her daughter entered. The lady immediately recognised the woman as her washerwoman, and the washerwoman at once recognised her, for she said, " Oh, Mrs. H allow me to introduce my daughter, Miss F , to you."

This reminds me of a curious incident that occurred at home. A lady friend of mine, on removing to new quarters, was called upon by the clergyman of the parish and asked if she would undertake the visiting of a certain district. She agreed, and ehortly afterwards proceeded on her duties. What was her dismay when after the orthdox time had elapsed, these people whom she had visited evangelically returned her visit under the impression that it was intended socially.

"Stolen Kisses," the title of Mr. Merritt's. play, produced at the Theatre Royal by the; Lingards, has given rise to some awkward and' some interesting situations. Whilst the play was being performed here an eligible bachelor of great bashfulness was thrown into a state of excessive nervous excitement by having to escort to her residence in a quiet suburb air almost equally tremulous spinister of uncertain age, and of decided matrimonial leanings. Just as they were passing down a quiet street, shaded by over-hanging trees from the beams of the moon, some luckless inspiration caused him to break silence after a long interval with the thoughtless inquiry (he lrnd been at the theatre the night before), " How do you like 'Stolen Kisses.'" "Oh, Mr. J— ," simpered the coy maiden, clinging to his arm more closely than ever, and thinking that at last her hour had come. "If you do I shall be too frightened to scream !" After that he walked the next two miles without opening his lips or turning his head towards his expectant companion. Young W was of quite a different stamp ; and when his pretty cousin, after giving her opinion upon the Lingards, asked, "Is ' Stolen Kisses ' good ?" he answered with great promptitude, "They're generally considered the sweetest; suppose Aye try." Of course she had never thought of such a wicked rendering of her innocent query, and was shocked at his boldness— -but they tried.

The Rev. Mr. B of Auckland, is a wag in his way, he has an {esthetic and holy horror of a bush life, and deep sympathy for those engaged in it. He was one day paving a parochial visit to a district in the far north, and expressed a wish to the gentleman in whose house he was stopping to go about eight or ten miles into the bush to visit one of the settlers. His host gave him one of his sons for a guide, as the bush was dense, and the road not easily found. On the Avay the youngster, who was full of chat, endeavoured to amuse the rev. gentleman, but all to no purpose, not one remark could he elicit from him, moreover, on looking up at his companion's face, he discovered him apparently weeping, for he .had his handkerchief to his eyes. Presently .they came to a particularly wild and weird-looking spot, when the youngster remarked, " this, Mr. B ,is a splendid place for wild pigs ;",to which the rev. gentleman replied, "yes, dear boy, I should think it was, 1 - really - should - think - it - was." And this was the only remark, good, bad, or indifferent, that escaped him during the walk. On their return, Mr. B— told his host that the dear boy had done everything he could to enliven the journey, but that his heart was too full thinking of the awful misery of being bound to live in^uch a place to be able to enter into a cheerful conversation. '■.'■■ ■■■■'•■...•".■.. ";IlS£*-. ". '-'-I . '

The following is said to have occurred lately at a saw mill not one hundred miles from Whangarei. A homestead selector and carpenter by trade, hailing from the Land-o'-Cakes, wishing to purchase timber to erect the neces-. sary £50 house, went to the manager, a native of the Green Isle, to arrange the bargain. After a little preliminary sounding Scotty, with native cutene«s, offered to make Paddy a chest o'.tdrawers, free gratis for nothing, by way of a sweetner, and by and bye the bargain was concluded by Scotty making his purchase of second class timber, at*2s. per 100 feet under market price. But now comes the beautiful part of the transaction. Scotty having erected his dwelling had again occasion to call at the mill, and received a gentle reminder from Paddy re the chest o' drawers, whereupon lie fired up and utterly repudiated the idea of his offering a bribe. Poor Paddy is now in high dudgeon over what he calls Scotty's meanness, as well as in great terror lest the story shouldget to' Ma' employers' ears, and he be placed in the position of the unjust steward, without the consolations which that individual enjoyed.

The young ladies who came over from North Shore in the 5.30 p.m. steamer on Prince of Wales' Birthday have cause to remember their outing on that particular occasion. About thirty 3 fair damsels were assembled in the Devonport waiting room, when an alarm was given to the effect that a drunken man was coming down the wharf. There was not another male within hail, and the affrighted dameels began to shriek out most lustily. Of course the toper heard the row, and proceeded in their direction. When he reached the shed the commotion inside was terrible, and he, poor man, thinking he had stumbled across a crowd of lunatics, deemed it his duty to 'lock them in, which he did without further ado. Then he promised "kisses all round," and finally threatened that if they did not stop yelling he would throw them all overboard: Of course the screams redoubled in force, and the pitch heightened perceptibly. Eventually a small boy arrived, and seeing the. lively state of affairs, proceeded in search of By and bye another man arrived on the scene, and the poor girls were released from durance vile.

While on this subject, I may perhaps be allowed to suggest to the directors of the Ferry Company the advisability of providing better landing facilities for passengers at low water. The landing stage, that afternoon, was m an almost perpendicular position, and it was amusing to the spectators to. witness sweet sixteen, stately thirty, and ponderous old damsels of fifty go up the gangway half, way on their hands and knees, and then submit to be hauled up the remainder' of the distance by festive and blushing youths.

People frequently deplore the enormou amount of money spent by the colonists of New Zealand in " consultations ' and " sweeps," but I know of several who, whilst warmly denouncing the so-called evil, yet held tickets themselves in Abbott's sweeps. The prevailing spirit feized even our civic fathers, and the seductive attractions of a possible £2000 prize were too powerful to be resisted. No less than seven of them took tickets, binding themselves by a solemn league and covenant to divide the spoils — if any — between them. The speculation was successful. A horse was drawn by Councillor Aicken, -which proved to be a starter, and the speculation was rewarded by a return of £54.

It is rumoured that the £54, won by the city councillors in Abbott's sweep, is to be spent in beautifying and adorning a miniature Bellamy's, which has recently been fitted up for the comfort of the city authorities. The need for such an. institution has long been felt by thirsty souls, of which the Council is not entirely destitute, but they had some compunction about spending very much of the ratepayers' money for the purpose. Another rumour is that they intend to give the Council employees a supper, but this would be an act of liberality so utterly opposed to the general character of one or two of the seven that it is very improbable that they would consent to it. Jn the i meantime, many ratepayers are anxiously waiting to hear what the lucky councillors will do with their money.

It is only right to recognise any particularly splendid piece of enterprise on the part of the daily Press, and I have therefore much pleasufe in drawing attention to the " Star's " extraordinary achievement on Monday last. That afternoon, you may remember, the new yacht " Tanewha " was launched at the North Shore, and a party of ladies and gentlemen went over to assist at the ceremony. The affair should have taken place about four o'clock, but one way and another it was delayed till nearly six. At a quarter-past five over came the «' Stars," containing (marvellous to relate) a long and accurate account of the affair as it " ought to have been." The reporter, after giving an interesting account of the vessel, put a nice little speech into the mouth of Mrs. McCosb. Clark, arid announced that all the arrangements were most satisfactorily carried out. Alas ! for the vanity of human hopes and prophecies things were "not "satisfactorily carried out. The boast instead of " slithering gracefully into her nativie element, " stuck half way, and only the combined efforts of sundry muscular visitors got her off at all. This little hitch mars the otherwise brilliant character of the " Star's " achievement, and does away with the hypothesis that the reporter was temporarily gifted with a sort of prophetic " second sight. "

Everybody seems glad that Mr. McCosh Clarke is to be the new Mayor. There are nbt many men in Auckland as genuinely pbpular : as he is, and if he will only condescend to be civil alike to the "creme de la creme ..and their less fortunate brethren, his year 6I :r 6ffiee may be a memorable one.

" Sing ho, the merry Member and the ling. He was a rich middle-aged amatory M.H.R. She was only a woman of low degree, but passably (not passing) • fair. They^aet at the exquisitely romantic little village of Helensvme, and it is no doubt owing to this fact that the merry Member succumbed to the soft female influence. Had they met in some prosaic matter of fact place it would have been different, but who that has wandered in the classic and romantic glades of Helensville can wonder that all the sweet surroundings helped to hill the merry Member into momentary forgetfulnees of his position. "Ellen was fair, Ellen was lovable, Ellen, the lily maid of " But no, she wasn't a maid, she was the wife of a man of low degree, and though lovable she proved more than a match (as the sequel proved) for the astute politician. Who can tell how it all came about? Under such circumstances sweet converse flows on unguardedly, promises are made and pledges given .-without any thought of the consequences, and thus it happened that the merry Member slipped a valuable ring over the finger of the fair woman of low degree. Once beyond the poetic influence of Helensville, the glamour was removed from off the merry Member, and then, such is the fickleness of the man, lie wanted his ring back again. Meantime the story had got about and others wanted that ring. Fabulous sums were offered for it, but all in vain. The woman of low degree was firm and unyielding. "Money," she said "shall not tempt me to part with it," and instead of wearing the ring on her finger, she passed a cord through it, and now wears it tied tightly round her neck. The merry Member Avould now willingly part with the finger upon which he erstwhile wore the ring to obtain it again from that woman of low degree, but no, he can't get it. " Sing ho ! the foolish captain that you are !"

It is most refreshing to read the account of the dinner given on board the "Lady Jocelyn," prior to her departure from London with Vesey Stewart's No 3 party. Surely the millenium must be close at hand. Stewart in the chair, Sir Julius Yogel, vice chair, each one endeavouring, in the speeches that followed the dinner, to outdo the other in their praises of one another. Sir Julius Yogel has been a consistent opponent of Mr. Stewart and his various emigration schemes from the very first. So whence this " thusness " now? When Mr. Stewart years ago was endeavouring in Auckland to arrange about the land for the No. 1 party, Yogel telegraphed up from Wellington that he was an imposter. When Stewart was in England last year arranging for the departure of the No. 2 party, so many obstacles were placed in his way by Sir Julius who was then Agent-General, that had not Mr. McAndrew, the minister for emigration, directly interfered, by sending Yogel a peremptory telegram, Stewart would in all probability have been checkmated, and his mission proved a failure. Again I say, whence this "thusness ?" Can it be ihat now Stewart has turned his scheme into a company, Julius has become a shareholder, and sees through golden spectacles good where before he saw nothing than evil?

Once upon a time there dwelt upon the shores of a lovely little lake, an ogre. Now the ogre had a garden roundjhis dwelling, wherein grew peaches, plums, and other fruits in abundance. It chanced one day that this ogre met a man who was cunning in the art of painting, and the ogre said unto him, " 0 man of paint, get thee down unto my garden, for I have much fruit and to spare, eat, I pray thee, thy fill. "Now the man who was cunning in paint had a sister, known among the maidens as The Wild Lily-of-the-Valley ; and the Wild Lily said unto three of her companions, " Come, let us go doAvn to the vineyard of the ogre, and partake of the fruit thereof, for the ogre hath so desired." So these maidens did as the Wild Lily had proposed, and did eat, and were not ill; and they gat them home, and rejoiced exceedingly because of the goodness of the fruit. But it came to pass that the ogre " got wind of it," and he was very wroth, and said within himself, " I will punish these maidens who have eaten of my fruit." He therefore sent a messenger to the maidens and commanded them to appear before him. Now the ogre had a den, wherein •were heaps of decaying bones, and the excrement of sea-fowl, and unto this den the trembling culprits betook themselves. And the ogre spake •unto them, saying, "Hearken, O ye wicked damsels ; ye have robbed mine orchard. Now,' therefore, unless ye give unto me certain moneys In payment thereof, ye shall be cast into prison, thereto abide during the space of three moons." So these maidens "shelled out" as they were commanded to, and the ogre counted the coins, and was glad, for he said, "Lo ! I have bounced, four virgins, and have sold my fruit for ten times its value !"

4, To the Editor: Sir,—Jf the following had not happened to myself, I could hardly have credited it, but true it is. After the first act of •• Miriam's Crime," on Tuesday week, I strolled with a friend into Mick Gallagher's upstairs bar to get a reviver. I tossed a shilling on the counter in front of Louie, and called her attention to the fact. To my surprise a well-known citizen, who one would think was above suspicion, calmly reached over and shifted my " bob" to; a spot in front of himself. At first I thought he took it to be his change, and said, "Excuse me; that's mine." Seeing him replace it on the counter, I < "begged pardon," being under the impression that he had moved it to oblige the young lady by putting it nearer her, but just after tl*e latter had put it in the till, he said, "Mine is whiskey j you've got my shilling." lat once saw a "have," and asked my friend to remember what had happened, ana when I went in again I asked Louie if she had noticed anything about it, when she at once said she thought be Was"haying "her, as she knew it was my coin, and he had demanded and received sixpence change. Pretty good, eh! for a respected • .business man to "ring the changes" like that* A Whitechapel cad could not have worked ife cleaner,—l am, &c, Q.E.D.

The Rev A. W. Webb edified his congregation on Sunday morning last by a sermon on things in general. Commencing with poor Bertie Saverna, he made a humorous reference to "the pig which wa-» washed and then returned to its wallow." Having in this way raised ■" a devout and pious smile upon the melancholy visages of " the elect," he proceeded to denounce dancing in unmeasured terms, not for any intrinsic iniquity possessed by it, but for its evil associations. The rev. gentleman is a regular subscriber to the Observer, and some recent reference to a social dance, m which many members of his young Christian's band took part, suggested the phillipic. This subject disposed of, an onslaught was. made upon public banquets, and some scathing remarks uttered with regard to the high impropriety of Christians patronising them. This part of the discourse must have proved very distasteful to Messrs. Shalders, Battley, and Chambers, for they were observed to be shifting uneasily m their seats as well as blushing profusely. The sermon as a whole, was most entertaining.

The Eev. C. M. Nelson is not likely to earn, and leave behind him a name for liberality. A few weeks ago the choir-master (Mr. Gordon Gooch) took upon himself the troublesome duty of collecting subscriptions in order to purchase some slight souvenirs for presentation to Mrs. Stevens and Mrs. Stanier, who, after six years exemplary service in the choir, were leaving for a sister church. They had been such valuable singers that it was confidently expected both he ° and Mrs. Nelson would wish to give handsome donations. The parson, however, politely refused to give a penny towards the scheme, and of course Mrs. Nelson was obliged to follow suit. And yet no minister in Auckland has benefited pecuniarily to a greater extent by the improvement of the musical portion tof the service than the incumbent of St. Paul's But for the " Sunday concerts," as they are now termed, the attendance would, in all probability, be sparse, and the offertory insignificant.

The people who attended Mr. Swallow's concert and patronised the dress circle cannot be complimented on their breeding. During the latter portion of the perf ..nuance they were leaving by twos and threes, while after the concluding overture had been commenced there was a general stampede, accompanied of course by plenty of music. The elite of Auckland would do well to study Chesterfield.

The local spiritualists were greatly disappointed "by the non-arrival of Dr. Peebles by the mail steamer. In the confident expectation of his advent they had engaged the Lome-street Hall, and billed the city with flaming posters, while a select few kept a bright look out during the long watches of Saturday night for the great evangelist of the newest religion. As soon as the big steamer appeared round the heads on Sunday afternoon a few enthusiastic "spiritualists "put off to her. The leader, on mounting the gangway, was voluble in his enquiries for the doctor. For a time no satisfactory answer was vouchsaved by the amused passengers, but at length a stalwart youth tapped the almost hysterical querist upon the shoulder, and beckoned him to follow. He did follow, and was graciously ushered into the presence of the ship's surgeon. A few words of explanation and then the disgusted emissary took his leave. Dr. Peebles had not come.