ABOUT TOWN

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 9, 13 November 1880, Page 67

ABOUT TOWN

The balance of the Observer's plant, fur which we have been waiting so long, has, I am glad to say, arrived by the " Wanganui," and in a week or two the paper is to be permanently enlarged to forty-eight columns. This improvement will, of (course, entail very serious expense, but-now I see the thing is going to do, 1 have no objection to spend a little money over it. Further details next week.

Some foolish persons appear to think it a great misfortune that the " currant-jelly" members of Aiickland's aristocracy (aristocracy forsooth !) look down upon the mayoralty. I must say I can't see it myself. Surely a man like Peacock (even though he is " only a tradesman"), who works manfully for the Avelfare of the city, and leaves behind him a record of useful undertakings begun and carried through, is far preferable to a purse-proud snob, whose sole idea would be self -glorification. The way many, other wise well-disposed persons " kootoo " to these " brummagem " swells is quite sickening. Who, I should like to know, are they, as a matter of fact ? Does the blood of the Howards or the Cavendishes run in their veins, or has providence granted them a special patent of nobility straight from Heaven ? No, they are, as everybody knows, merely self-niade men, ashamed of that which should be their greatest pride, and anxious to ape the manners and customs of a world into which they can never set foot.

The following story is "apropos:" Some years ago young Dash came out to the colony under a cloud. He had ran a regular mucker, betting, and gambling, and his friends thought a little rustication in New Zealand would do him good. He was therefore allowanced, and. duly despatched by the "Northumberland." Crossing from Melboumeto Auckland, in the "Hero," DashmetMr. and Mrs. Crcesxisandtheirfamilyreturningfroma holiday trip to Australia. He was a handsome, well-dressed, distingue youth, and Mrs. Croesus thought he might be " somebody." She therefore made friends with him, and invited him to Araminta Villa. Dash Ayent there once or tvriCjk, and was well received. By and bye, however, his circumstances leaked out — in fact, being naturally frank and honest, lie confided them to Mrs. Crcetms himself. At the time she was warmly sympathetic, but from that day invitations ceased, and by.and bye the Miss Croesus's cut poor Dash in the street. Well, time passed and Dash, after being in very low water, got on. The qiiarrel with His friends was patched up; a relative left him som| ; money, and he went home to England. Oneday,. a year afterwards who should he run tip against in Kegent-street but the Croesus's ; -come to the " old country," so they said, to settle." Mrs. Croesus greeted " her young friend " most effusively, and pressed him warmly to visit them. At first Dash pleaded engagements, but eventually he invited the family to dine with him on a certain night at the Criterion, and go to the theatre afterwards. Meanwhile, Mrs.

Crcosus found out that Dash's ; father was an M.P., and that Dash himself was in the best London society. Without saying a word, she called on Mrs. Dash (our friend's mother),, and represented herself and her family as "dear Arthur's" warm friends in New Zealand. When "dear Arthur" came home that night his mother said, "An over-dressed and rather vulgar person has been here this afternoon, Arthur. She says she was a friend of yours in the colony." Then Arthur told his mother about the Croesus's.

Some weeks passed, and Mrs. Croesus began to get anxious. They had dined twice at a restaurant with Dash, but his mother hadn't called, and he persistently refused all invitations to visit them. At last one day the family met Mrs. Dash in the Park. Mrs. Croesus bowed effusively, but Mrs.Dash,looking straight before her, cut the good lady dead. To make a long story short, the endeavours of the Croesus's to get into good i-ociety at home failed utterly. Eventually they gave it up in disgust, and returned to Auckland. They now speak in the bitterest terms of the old country, and affect to decry London society.

On Saturday morning a gentleman came to rue to complain of my introducing a lady's name into a certain paragraph in last issue. I said nothing, but merely showed him the .manuscript, when it turned out (as I anticipated) that the lady herself had supplied the in- M »- F«• ewihgtow formation. Mr. begged me almost on his knees not to tell the story in such a way as to make his personality recognisable, or I could give some of my readers a iinc laugh.

The Oddfellows' delegates indulged in some ' ' high jinks " during their visit to the Thames on the occasion of the district meeting. Of course they talked about the attair on their return to town, and now the victims of . certain funny pranks are being unmercifully chaffed. The representatives all put up at the same hotel, and those' who had not indulged too extensively in inebriating beverages, formed. them- elves into an organization of "jolly dawgs " for that night only. They first made an excursion to the chamber of Brother L- , where they found that functionary arrayed in his night-garments of spotless white stretched out at full length on the floor. He was sound asleep, and the delightful perfume of p.b. which pervaded the room told too plainly why he had mistaken the floor for the bed. A tin of blacking paste was quickly obtained, the gentleman was rapidly disrobed, and in a very few moments Mr. L 's unfortunate body presented a better representation of " Night and Day " than that which excited so much attention at the Fancy Dress Ball/, The room was then evacuated, and the practical jokers proceeded softly to another occupied by Mr. P -; A dozen eggs were stored away in the pockets of this worthy's ne\v Sunday -go-to-meeting suit, and his nice patent leather boots were tilled with water. The other rooms were successively visited, the shirt of one inmate being soused in the washbasin, and the pants of another removed altogether. To complete their work, the party changed the boots from one door to another. Having completed their bout of mischief they retired to their virtuous couches and slept peacefully. Morning came, and the hotel then bore a close resemblance to a miniature pandemonium. Our friends denied the offences with which they .Were charged, and the crimes were laid at other doors. I shouldn'tlike to attempt to describe the scenes that eventuated, but you can imagine the tableau which followed the discovery at the breakfast table that a stream of yellow and white liquid was oozing from the legs of Mr. P s black pants.

The case of Simpson v. Corcoran decided the week before last in favour of the former, -was characterised by Judge Kichniond as "a most disgraceful case to all parties concerned." Jt certaihly'&bes seem monstrous that a judge of the Supreme Court, twelve business men, three or fofir legal luminaries and a host of witnesses shoiildlhe occiipied fr#o whole days in deciding whether' a- nian was so drunk as to be tmaccountable for a" liability that he had contracted.

A good deal of amusement has been afforded to til • public tliis last few days at the expense of Bertie Saverna's owner. Yesterday, when travelling l>y express train to the show, my breath was quite taken a way. by a spectacle at once extraordinary and unique. I actually saw the gentleman referred to blush vermilion to the roots of what I must by courtesy call his hair. I observed that the blush mantled his ; guileless and innocent face just after the following extraordinary query- had been propounded by some passenger in the carriage— •* Who black-leaded ; the pig?" On enquiring the cause *>f such a very funny conundrum I learned what every one has since laughed or mourned over, according to the aspect in which the' thing presented itself to his mind. The hero of thi* enrious episode has looked very uncomfortable since the accident, and, besides interviewing nearly the whole of the press, has given a variety of explanations pri-; vately to small gnmps of people wherever and whenever opportunity offered. Likewise at the aldermanic spread, where it was no "larkin" matter for him, seeing suc.h, banter might " make-millin "if the recipient had any pluck. What it might " make-arter "-wards is clear enough. It will make him an object of uncomplimentary remark for the balance of his natural life. A further explanation, I believe, can be brought forward in the event of others failing, which is this. Bertie Saverna being no ordinary swine requires a luxurious dormitory now and then Very well, the evening of the show day the illustrious animal was housed in the kitchen at the lake. The servant, who is short-sighted, came in to black-lead the st«ve, but accidentally applied the brush to the animal. This explanation should satisfy any reasonable person.

There have been troubles lately at the Beres-ford-strcet Church, and the mantle of dissatisfaction has fallen from St. Thomas's .on to the people at the former sanctuary. The cause is simply this. The parson wants to wear a gown, and the congregation — or rather a portion of them— won't allow it. The usual boilingwater meetings have been held, accompanied with pathetic tableaux, but things will not work as they should. Meantime, the rev. gentleman asserts his independence by wearing the garment which is the cause of the dissatisfaction.

In connection with the above, paragraph, I may state that a lively scene occurred at a teafuddle at the Great North Uoad Congregational Chapel the other evening. AH the Congregationalists had been called upon to rally round the standard, when one of the gown-opposers rose, and, after giving his opinions generally, claimed to be a true Congregationalism Immediately the parson ascended the rostrum, and denied that lie was a member of the flock, or iii any way connected — spiritnally or otherwise — with the flock. The layman repeated his assertions, and they were denied by the parson. The discussion was reaching an undesirably warm and personal stage, when two dogs, byway of initiating their masters, took, possession of the floor, and a genuine dog-fight ensued. Amidst the howls and laughter a portion of the.audience left the scene of Christian strife, whilst the .remainder waited to see the conclusion of the fun.

They were sitting lovingly together on one of the side seats in the new Baptist Chapel, Mount Eden,, on the occasion of the inaugural imiffin struggle. He was a youth who immortalised himself a year or two ago by running in a mile race and coming in first— at the wrong end. He was telling her what he thought of her, and she listened approvingly. It was the old, old story, and he pushed his subject with the ardour and earnestness that characterises the youthful -Baptists of this city— after tea. By-and-bye he gradually edged up closer. One of her lily

hands lay in his broad palm, her head was beginning to ihoox> gracefully onto his shoulder, and her "soft eyes look'cl love to his which spake again," when she gave a sudden convulsive start, "Oh, William, isn't that thin gentleman over there with the spectacles, the Observer." '-By Jove it is/s aid William. "Oh, dear, " : said the fair one, "I hope he didn't see us just noAV. If he did he is sure to put us in the paper." " I don't think he did " herej'ined; " but isn't it wonderful the amount of information he gets. He seems to know everything and everybody. I've been told (here his voice sank to a tragic whisper) that he has spies all over the country." It was a case of mistaken identity. The " thin gentleman with the spectacles " was a harmless lunatic who had come to the tea fuddle with the extraordinaryidea that he would be able to make a square meal there. The terrible suspicion, however, that they were watched, and were observed by the Observer had a wonderful effect on^ the amatory couple. William resumed his pious Sunday-go-to-meeting expression j his companion looked demure and unconscious, and both relapsed into silence for the rest of the evening.

Mr. Alexander "Wright, better known among his intimates as Sandy Wright, who joined the majority on Sunday week, was one of the resolute band of pioneers who laid the foundation of Auckland's greatness. He was very fond ; of telling stories of the "good old days." One of his best stories was about how he " euchred " the elder. Sandy was in the employment of Mr. A., who was an elder in the kirk, but, in spite of that fact, not very regular in paying his men their wages. One Sunday Mr. : A. was standing at the church door beside the plate, when Sandy came in. He •was passing into the church without contributing to its revenue when Mr. A. said, " Hey ! mon Sandy, div ye no' see the plate ?" Sandy stopped and said, in a stage whisper, which could be heard by the other people going into the church, "Ye did not pay me yesterday, maister." " Tak' this," said Mr. A., slipping half -a-crown into his hand. "Thank ye, maister," said Sandy, as he put the half-crown into his pocket and walked into the church.

" Quiz " informs me that the above sketch is meant for my esteemed lighting editor, Charlie McMurdo. I really shouldn't have known it, but as Mac himself, who is the person chiefly concerned says it is a splendid portrait, I have let the sketch pass.

The youthful members of St. James' Mutual Improvement; Association have expunged their rule which prohibits the admission of ladies to the . "rights and privileges of the society, 1 * and in future the fair Creatures will be

received -with open arms. W. J. Npleaded their claims -with an eloquence that was quite touching, and not even the philosophical but misanthropic W. C- — ■ — had the temerity to oppose the champion of woman's rights. No doubt the yoipg ladies of Auckland who desire mental improvement and intellectual development will embrace the opportunity thus afforded- them.-

There are two men in Aucklan- 1. j ust no w who are particularly mad about the property tax. One of them some little time ago borrowed a large sum of money from the other, giving his friend as security a mortgage over his property. He obtained the money at one per cent, less than the usual rates, on condition that he paid the property tax. When the forms came round, he filled in the full value of his property, clear of encumbrances, and was, of course, taxed tp the full amount! The mortgagee, on the other hand, was obliged to state in the form that he received the; amount of money advanced by him to the borroSver, and was also taxed accordingly. Then, in pursuance of the agreement, he ap plied to the borrower to be recouped the amount of the tax. The'latter discovered the egregious mistake he had made. He didn't blame himself, however, but he denounced the Premier, the Colonial Treasurer —in fact the whole of the Government iv the most scathing terms, and swore a deep and solemn oath that he would hurl them from power. How the matter has been settled between the lender and the borrower I don't know, but the Government came out of the affair very well, for they obtain just double the amount of money to which they are entitled. ;

" There's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip," and I have just heard of a most melancholy exemplification of the truth of the old saying. Amongst the passengers to Australia a week' or two ago was a youngs lady who was going to meet the ,man of her choice, for the purpose of being joined in holy wedlock. Her sudden departure very much surprised her friends, who had no idea that she had ever even dreamed . of marriage. However, a telegram was sent announcing to the bridegroom the departure of his bride, andindue course she arrived. There was no one, however, to greet her ; the "happy man," as bridegrooms are technically termed, did notseem anxious for the consummationof hisbliss,and the forlorn damsel wended,her sorrowful way to the house to which her loving epistles had been directed. He was not there. He had removed a few days before to another residence. Thither the anxious fair one went. She was ushered in, and, at her request, her affianced was informed that she was waiting to see him. Presently he staggered into the room hopelessly drunk. At the sight, her love turned to scorn and cont- mpt, and she rose to leave him. This appeared tosober thebrute.and he implored her to forgive him, but her heart was steeled against hiseloquence. The lady left abruptly, and returned by the first steamship to Auckland, resolved to resist for the future all attempts to induce her to abandon the state of single blessedness.

• I see Vesey Stewart is importing a large number of "young (female) persons,' and with his usual impetuosity, vouches for the superior quality of each and everyone of them. Let us hope that he is bringing us the right article, ..for. without wishing to unfairly disparage the '.': :>.* ybimg persons " now in Auckland, I may say V'ihey are not perfection. The " young person " who kindly accepts wages from me, and doesn't do any work for them, is a rather hard sleeper, in fact she makes a point of always going to eleep after she is called the first time in the morning. The other day I gave her a good call at 6 o'clock, and then left her to see how long she would take to get up if she were not called a second time. The experiment was most satisfactory. She came out of her room exactly at half -past nine. But instead of appreciating the depth and beauty of the joke, she forthwith gave me warning. Another " young person " only stayed with me about fourteen hours. She left the first morning in the middle of washing up the breakfast things, because her sister arrived upon the scene, and informed her that I had been enquiring her character from her last mistress. This, she said, was a gross insult, and one that she would stand from nobody.

It seems not improbable that there will be some disputing over the first prize in Abbott's £5000 sweep. Mr. James Pemberton, the buyer of the winning ticket declares that he parted with it to Mr. Davis for a mere nothing whilst under the influence of liquor, and has instructed Abbott not to pay over the money. Mr. Davis on the other hand declares he purchased the ticket before the sweep was drawn, and that he gave a fair " quid pro quo " for it. What the " quid pro quo " was he will not, however, say. The ticket is duly endorsed over to him by Pemberton, but not dated. Now the whole question appears to me to hang on the date. If Pemberton sold the ticket before the sweep "was drawn for a few shillings Davis is undoubtedly the righful owuer, but if the sale took place when the ticket was known to represent Grand Flaneur it is certaiuly invalid. Even before the Derby anyone would have given £25 for the colt's chance.

It was a platonic love affair. She was elderly, talj, and demure, with pursed-up lips, and a solemn visage. He was swarthy, short, and proud, with a holy disregard of spruce raiment, and a strange weakness for things" antiquated. They met at a Sunday-school picnic in the sequestered bosom of a lovely valley, and >yere Doth beguiled into the strange mysteries of the fascinating game, which is known to the.vulgar as ' ' kiss-in-the-ring. " She had long steeled her virgin heart against the artifices of the other sex, but she felt now that further resistance was useless. As the oft repeated sound of saluting lips smote upon their ears, he invariably looked upon her with a broad grin, and she as regularly returned a pensive smile. They stood and looked and smiled, and looked again and smiled. Unutterable things wigre in those looks of love. When the handkerchief at length came near her she quickly snatched it up, although it was meantfor aneighbouring damsel, and furiously chased the affrighted young man who had so unfortunately dropped it. Failing to catch him, she went for her pious and antiquated Adonis, and then ensued a scene which baffles all description. He kissed her effusively, dodged around until she had re-joined the circle,

gracefully placed the handkerchief upon her lofty shoulder, waddled to the other side of the ring, and eventu lly captured and kissed her. She promptly returned the compliment, and he followed suit. In fact they monopolised the osculatory exercise for fully ten minutes, when their younger companions perceiving that they were in the way, softly took their leave. The ancient couple are now engaged, and are expensive patrons of tea fuddles, love feasts, and prayer meetings. Their unioriln the. holy bonds of wedlock is at hand.

A model Benedict one night last week returned, to the bosom of Jiis family in a condition which I will considerate-y term "deeply agitated." Jna voice, husky with suppressed emotion and redolent of Wolfe's aromatic compound, he anticipated all reproaches, touching his prolonged absence from home, by informing the partner of his joys and sorrows in a tragic undertone that he was suffering from an acute attack of erysipelas, the. peculiar symptoms of which were an unsteady gait a flushed countenance, and a swollen tongue, rendering articulation thick and indistinct. He also assured her that there was a drug of subtle medicinal properties which had never failed, except in extreme cases, to cure the dread ailment, and then, in impassioned tones, he beseeched her to send for a supply of it, if she would preserve the life of a fond and devoted husband. Its name, he added, was Schiedam Schnapps, and the publican across the way had been appointed sole agent for the owner. The hard-hearted wife expressed a preference for the more certain efficacy of the pump, and th'-h her lord and master stalked off to bed, not, however, until he had told her, with an assumption of deep pathos, that in case the deadly disease had completed . its insidious work before- the iiiorning, she might be comforted with the knowledge that his last thoughts were of her, and his last words a prayer for her happiness; He awoke in the morning with a vigorous headache, and a burning 'thirst for his prescription of the previous night. N c vertheless he persisted in his story concerning erysipelas, and left the house ostensibly for the purpose of seeking the medical advice of Dr. Philson. On his return lie was eulogistic of the wonderful skill of the venerable doctor, who had, ho said, performed, a most astonishing cure. The " erysipiletic " yarn has now got abroad, and — — — cannot boar to be questioned upon any subject relevant to disease, or Schiedam Schnapps.