ABOUT TOWN

Observer, Volume 1, Issue 5, 16 October 1880, Page 33

ABOUT TOWN

It is with very great regret I learn that a double meaning of an offensive nature, has been attached to a paragraph in last week's issue. When I state that the item referred to was sent here by a lady who wrote it out herself, my readers will, I hope, acquit me of wilfully publishing a "double entendre." I may add that had I known last week what I know now, the joke would never have seen the light. Chaff is one_ thing, but seriously hurting a person's feelings is quite another.

Owing to the non-arrival of some bales of tinted paper from Sydney, I am compelled to print a certain number of copies this issue on white. The quality is precisely the same, and so (worse luck !) is the cost. The tint alone differs. Those who intend binding the OBSERVER can obtain copies on tinted paper at the office.

- There are rumours that an action for libel will shortly be commenced, the damages being laid at a very heavy figure. Both plaintiff ' and defendant have indulged in a good dear of litigation in their day, but latterly they have been atpeace. The alleged libel is that X described Z as a " rogue, a thief, and a , scoundrel, " with sundry other epithets not used in polite society. A day or so ago Z met X's solicitor, who began to talk to him about the matter. " I suppose X was drunk," paid the man of the law. „ "Of course he was," replied Z. "He never tells the truth unless he , is drunk."

■ Mr. . Editor : Sir,— l have perused every copy of the Observer anxiously expecting that you • would give prominence to an individual in our midst who has been the means of almost • breaking the hearts and blighting the hopes of "four" of the prettiest and most respectable girls in the province. This gentleman (?) is well known here, and the circumstances connected with each case are also well known. He proposed to each in turn and was duly accepted. . The wedding days were arranged, but .strange to say,he suddenly found out "that he was not m a. position to marry," although the poor girls ' had all their " things" ready. What they could see in him, Heaven and they only know, • as he is an awkward ugly creature, with a nose that you could almost hang your hat on. — I a*n, &c, &c,

'■ The action of the Government in dismissing or rather " dispensing with the services of" the Inspectors of Police seems to be an illustration' of the saying, " improve them off the face of the earth. 1 ' Tliede Inspectors are men who have, by their good conduct and efficiency, raised themselves from subordinate positions. Had their conduct being less satisfactory they would have remained in safe obscurity, and would now be in no danger of being deprived of their means of living. Their very efficiency proves their long service and renders it improbable that they can readily find suitable employment out of the force. It is argued that they were more ornamental than useful ; they can reply that they had been useful before ihey Avere made ornamental, and that the system and not themselves caused them to cease to be useful.

The most important result of this so-called " retrenchment " move will be the utter destruction of the efficiency of the public service. Whatjiincentives, I ask, have junior clerks and others (to whom the hope of promotion should be everything) to make them work and spur them on to additional efforts when they see those who have toiled long and arduously to reach responsible positions, cast adrift without a word, like Mr. Lusher and Sub-Inspector Pardy.

"We shall have fine times at the station now," was the observation of a constable on hearing of Pardy's dismissal ; and I fully believe the jolly fellows will. Superintendent Thomson is a clever and capable officer, but if he can manage to be in two places at once, and get through another man's work as well as his own, he must indeed be a wonder. The fact is, the police want a lot of looking after. Instances are constantly cropping up, even now, of constables exceeding their duty, and being guilty of gross injustice. That there will be many, many more when Mr. Pardy's watchful supervision and sleepless vigilance are removed it is safe to predict.

Talking of the blunders which common constables are apt to make, reminds me of a story, which has not, so far as I know, been told in print yet, though it is pretty well known about town. Some months ago a prince of Tonga, named, I believe, " Uga, " died here, and two important officials (one the Minister of Police, and the other the Minister of Justice) came over from the inlands to fetch his remains. The dusky visitors also proposed to utilise their stay by inspecting "ye manners, customs, and institutions of ye English," and to this end brought letters of introduction to several of "our most respected citizens " They were kindly received, and shown all the "lions" of the place. One gentleman explained the working of the Pjost Office, another took them to the Hospital, and a third acted as cicerone to a big printing establishment, in fact they did the town thoroughly. All went well till a certain night, when one of the dusky brethren went into the City Club Hotel and partook of a glass or so of beer. Whether he had too much or not seems somewhat doubtful. One thing, however, is certain, that a constable pounced upon him and walked him off in a hurry to the lockup. Here the unfortunate man remained (studying ye manners and customs of ye English) till the morning, when a white friend, hearing of the affair, came and paid the • ecessary fine and let him out. Then the poor Islander told a terrible story. He swore he was not drunk ; that the constable had arrested him without rhyme or reason, that they had refused, at the station, to send for a prominent citizen he named, and that he had been very badly . treated. Of course the police denied it, and there the, matter ended so far as they were concerned."

The worst part of the story is, however, to come. Through having been in gaol (though only for a single night, and that by accident) the unfortunate Islanderwasutterly ruined. His dusky companion refused to associate with him, he was sent back to Tonga in disgrace, and eventually degraded from the rank of minister to that of a common man. The poor fellow seemed (a friend of his tells me) utterly crushed. He .was so bowed down with shame as to be almost speechless, and could not, during the remainder of his stay, be persuaded to leave the hoxise.

Great disapointment was felt on the publication of last isme at the non-appearance of an etching of Mr. Reader Wood. P. ople came to me with tears in their eyis, and literally begged that I would repair the omission ; so, sending for "Quiz," I requested him to do liis best forthwith. After an absence of several hours, my artist returned with the following sketch of the member for Waitemata's lower limbs, which, he said, had taken him so long to draw, and occupied such a lot of space, that he deemed it indiscreet to continue the honourable gentleman. By taking Mr. Wood in pieces, we hope to get through him in three or four issues.

Hymen has been making sad havoc amongst both old and young in Auckland lately, and it is rumoured that several more marriages are on the tapis. A handsome young Presbyterian grocer, whose offer a young lady thought proper to close with some time ago, is about to enlist in that noble army of martyrs — the married men. It is also whispered that two bright and shining ornaments of the Pitt-street Wesleyan choir — the favourite baritone and the sweetest contralto — will shortly blend their voices, join their hands, and unite their sympathetic hearts in the marriage service. Well, may the grocer, like his coffee, never have " grounds " or " raisin " to regret the event that altered the "current" of his life, and may the two vocalists never find their voices crack in anger, or have the sweet harmony of the matrimonial state disturbed by any of the " ills that human flesh is heir to."

The young ladies of Ponsonby are consuming themselves ■with curiosity as to the identity of the mysterious beauty spoken of in a recent issue. There are a hundred aspirants in the Held for the coveted honour, and' each astute young man in the district is finding it "a good line " to flatter his particular inamorata with the sweet illusion that the remarks made and description given can apply to her, and to none other. There has been quite a raid upon the millinery establishments of the city for maroon trimmings, and they are now quite the fashion. I was unaware that such a flutter of excitement could be raised so easily in the social dovecots.

That a Maori is not such a fool as some people take him to be, is plainly illustrated in the following case. Last week when Mr. Lamb got off from the charges of selling short weight bread, he in the fulness of his heart put his name down on a subscription list for the building of a Ma<ri Church to the extent of five shillings, and so that there should be no mistake, wrote Pd. against the item. Mr. Lamb then requested the Maori canvasser to call at Stuart's Store and get the money. When the native called, Mr. Lamb said he thought he had paid the five shillings. The Maori swore that he had not, and in 'proof totted up his list, counted his coin and found he was exactly five shillings short. The other day one of the papers said something about Mr. Lamb writing out a cheque towards the said church — it was a mistake of the reporter who saw him sign the subscription list.

The Rev. T>x. Stuart, of Dunedin, than whom no man in the colony is more widely beloved, has expressed the.shocking opinion that he does not like men who pray and work at the same time. He says he believes in such cases neither the praying nor the working is done properly. The good doctor one morning startled some of his congregation by praying that they might not be led astray from the right path by the world, the flesh or politics, aud.on- another- occasion he quaintly remarked, "I wish I didn't know our legislators so well, I should so much like to respect them. "

Sir Arthur Gordon, High Commissioner for Polynesia, has ostracised a certain Mr. W. J. Hunt and by public proclamation prohibits him from remaining in the Samoan or Navigator Islands for two years, he being dangerous to the peace and good order of the Islands. I Wonder if this is the same Hunt avLlo, when in New Zealand, rejoiced in the odoriferous nickname of "Maori bug"? and if it is whether he was personally offensive to His Excellency, because this might account for the otherwise somewhat autocratic proceeding of the High Commissiones. . Query, will His Excellency now extend the limit of the prohibition and include New Zealand ? If he does not do so, the chances are the ostracised party may again come between, the wind and Sir Arthur's gentility.

The man. who, some years ago, astonished and, disgusted the wife of his bosom by depositing himself on the umbrella-stand in the liall, and, carefully putting his gingham to bed, cannow comfort himself with the reflection that an Auckland young man has committed an act almost as extraordinary. He entered St. Paul's Church, the other Sunday evening, with his hat in one hand and his prayerbook in the other. According to his invariable custom, he directed his eyes to the choir in search of Mary Ann. He was grieved to discover that she was not there. He made his way to his seat in a semi-unconscious state, and, putting his book on the floor, endeavoured to find the ' ' miserable sinner " page in his hat. Suppressed laughter aroused him from his dreamy condition, and he at once realised the absurdi'y of his position. For the first time in his life he blushed, and was overwhelmed with confusion. He felt himself to be not so much a " miserable sinner" as an awful fool. He registered a vow never to go to church again, but the attraction has proved too powerful. He still attends, but.now he takes care to deposit his hat on the floor before directing his fond and languishing glances at the choir.

The other day an enterprising Thames tradesman (slightly the worse for drink), during an altercation between himself and a handsome fellow six feet high, launched forth andmadehis manual extremities enter into close connection, with his acquaintances nasal organ,; thereby causing it to assume an unnatural hue, of peculiarly vermillion tint. The tradesman, who is of a very peaceful disposition when sober, was waited on next morning by a mysterious gentleman who informed him that a cab was ready to convey him to Tararu where he and his op* ponent of the previous night would- be able to settle their mutual difference over a space of 20' paces. Shaking with apprehension,' the tradesman dressed, and entered the cab' in a fearful state of mind. After being driven-.for some distance, the cat was let oixt of the, hag, and the old chap found to his intense disgust that- he had been hoaxed by "one of those d d press men.'

Mr. Benjamin Tonks was the subject of an unfortunate misadventure at the Ellerslie racecou? se oh Saturday last. He was energetically physicking old Greyhound with gin and soda water as a means of preparing him for the Consolation Race when the noble quadruped suddenly raised his head and with unerring aim discharged the whole ©f the aromatic fluid upon the auctioneers' immaculate and highly starched shirt front. Benjamin beat a hasty retreat from the scene of action.

The gentle rebuke which the Theatre Royal doorkeeper recently suffered at the hands of a gentleman who shall be nameless has apparently taught that worthy individual that " discretion is the better part of valour" when the conditions aren't favourable ; or, in other words, when he is over-matched. He was at his accustomed post on the night of Mrs. Lingard's benefit, when Mr. 8., also one of the legal fraternity, presented himself, was admitted, and then demanded a programme. " Can't give you one. I've only three or four left," was the reply. The demand was repeated, and again refused. "Look here," said Mr. 8., " If you don't give me one of those programmes in two seconds I'll punch your head. " Mr. Bs forcible eloquence and coercive logic proved irresistible. The doorkeeper's adamantine heart melted instantly, and he at once tendered a programme.

During the last few days a feeling has been gaining ground, that Avh'lst so much is being done for Mrs. Rees, her companion in misfortune, Mrs. Arnold, should not be forgotten. Mrs. Arnold, it appears, is very poor, and quite unfit for work. Her arm still hangs in a sling, and she suffers much from her head. Under these circumstances some ladies have be.n kind enough to take up the case, and will, with the help of the Sir Henry Havelock Lodge, give a benefit entertainment shortly, at the Choral Hall. The cause is one well-deserving assistance, and I hope the affair may be a success.

According to his own sworn admission, John Abbott, of bill-discounting fame, is hard of hearing, and dull of understanding. He is not deficient, however, in a knowledge of the dictionary, and the unfortunate result is that he never condescends to clothe hi sbrilliant ideas in the fustian of commonplace terms. "With him, a "conversation" becomes a "colloquy," "pro rata " lengthens out into " commeiisurate with," and the simple declaration "I concluded" is discarded for the pompous phrase ' ' By a ratiocinative process of silent reasoning, I arrived at the conclusion, &c." " Crude," with him, is paraphrased into "an inchoate mass,'" and "diffuse speaking" gives place to " a periphrastic style of enunciating one's sentiments and opinions.'' The worthy billbroker was under examination this week, as a witness in a Supreme Court case. Mr. Theo. Cooper was pressing him closely with regard to a certain monetary transaction, when John, fancying that some covert insinuation was being made against his mode of procedure, oracularly extlalmed, " Those who five in glass houses should not throw stones. " The legal stripling, in a surprised tone, responded. " Why, Mr. Abbott, you've never discounted a bill of mine, have you?" "No," retorted John, sharply, " I should be very sorry to do so." The bill-broker's visage was wrathful in its expression, and Co'-per, therefore, collapsed. The Court tittered with suppressed mirth.

The ladies of Ponsonby, and more especially the married ones, will be interested to learn that young M is in love again. His last flame was well known, and the story regarding how it was extinguished has often been repeated, and has caused considerable merriment at his expense. He was desperately attached to Miss L , and laboured under the fond delusion that she was awfully " gone " on him. One night he was present at an evening party, given by the young lady's father, and taking advantage of a favourable opportunity, he poured his tale o± love into her ear. She did not, however, gush, and refer him to dear papa. Oh, . dear, no. Miss L is not a young lady of that disposition. She merely told him that she did not Avant him, and wouldn't have him. The love-torn youth seemed dumb-founded, and was unable to find words in which to express his sudden grief. He made his way into the garden, apparently to meditate on the matter. Some hours later, the guests were promenading on the lawn, when a most peculiar noise, resembling somewhat the croaking of an old frog or the bellowing of a bull calf, Avas heard proceeding from a sheltered corner. Mr. L , the young lady's papa, Avas quickly sent for, and on his arrival he found poor M rolling about on the wet grass, and actually Aveeping like an overgrown baby. In ansAver to the expostulations and entreaties of ( the old man, the youth Avildly declared his intention of procuring a pistol and bloAving out what small portion of brains he possessed. Eagerly the guests crowded round, and amidst frequent unrestrained bursts of laughter, the poor boy Avas picked up, placed in charge of one of the male servants, and sent home. There were many avlio thought he Avould die of a broken heart, but the neAVS contained in the first sentence of this paragraph sheAVS conclusively that there is still a chance for him. Ananias.

To the Editor : Sir,— The following is an answer re "At Home " in Cambridge in your last : — The scribbler who, behind a cloak, Would stab you with a pointless joke, A groundless charge or foolish lie, Is scarcely-worthy a reply; You're tempted with your pen to prick him Because you cannot catch and kick him. Pshaw ! the poor creature, past a doubt, Is one you need not care about, Tor if a sting 'twould lend his line, The paltry sneak his name would sign. Eetobt. [I think ".Retort" is too severe upon the writer of the "At Home." It was a harmless good-natured "skit," and only very thinskinned folks would be annoyed at it.-— Ed. Obs.]