DOOLEY’S POLITICS.

Thames Star, Volume LVII, Issue 16073, 7 April 1924, Page 5

DOOLEY’S POLITICS.

ELECTION SENTIMENTS. (CONTRIBUTED.) “I see, Donley, Ihe burgesses have elected a down-town representative.” “Whin a candydate, Hennissey, invokes th’ aid iv tli’ elements, his rival finds he has a little to larn about the value and uses iv a pint iv water.”

“Annywny, he manes to rajooce expenditure. He has cures for many other complaints. He’s worrit about the money. ‘Sum iv these la-ads,’ sez he, ‘lms bin thryin’ io consume, or are likely to thry to consume, th’ intire stock, an' it looks to me as tho’ ’twa-s time to call in th’ ambulance.’ An’ so the burgesses ilict a first-aid riprisintative.” “Ixpenditure, Hennissey, is a ereeeher iv sieli heejous countenance that th’ nfrire ye see iv it the betther ye like it! I’d be afraid to enther upon a crusade against spendin’ f’r fear I might prefer it to th’ virchous life iv a ravspietable ice-cream dealer. The lad ilicted to offis goes after ixpinditure as a new polis’ officer after the prosperous layer iv a doubles, an’ comes away as a philosopher. All gambling ttndher ten shillings is to be fearlessly punished for th’ improvement iv'th’ wurrld. There’s more joy over wan’ halfcrown plunger rayturn’d to th’ polis’ station than f’r ninety and nine tlmt’ve splashed thousan’s. “Ixpinditure is a gr-reat thing. They’se no intoxicant in th’ wurruld like spendin’ money. It goes to th’ head quicker than th’ whiskey th’ Yank is maltin’. It has taken Air Afassey years to increase his capacity till lie kin carry his load of ixpinditure without staggerin’ an’ doin’ nothin’ vi'lent with a mllyon or two aboard.”

“Th’ poll was a big one, Dooley!” “Yes, the plutycrats and thrusts of Pollen Street want to make us pay for kerbing. These were jined by the whole force of vesthed inthrests of Albert Street. The latter are the sole and proud proprietors of a dainty piece of concrete road which they keep tucked away in a corner for fear someone might- drive on it!

“Promises, begorra! Some people have no manes of handling glassware!”

“Hennissey, me temperature is normal until I am asked to pay for kerbing. On the Block, councillors can see that kerbing is as big a luxury as a Rolls-Royce. There, ye will see plinty iv concave fut-paths that are good goin’ concerns —nuthin’ fer upkeep. During the heavy dhry spells the pedistrian uses them an’ keeps down the tea-tree, whilst in ill’ heavy wet spells the wather goes on jooty an’ th’ pedistrian looks f’r higher ground or stays at home, as the wimmin had to last Thursday. Hollow roads handle the wather which can’t find room on the futpaths. The scheme works well. Concrete kerbing will bat a few iv me fi-ien’s f’r wages f’r ehoppin out rubbish three or four times a year. 1 don’t behave in savin’ th’ wages iv hard-wurrukers, nor in proputty* owners swamping councils with offers to pay f’r kerbin'. As some poet said: ‘Th’ ban’ that rooks the cradle rools the wurruld!” “Sez me frien’ the councillor: ‘We recognise our obligation to supply ye wid paths at twelve shillings a yard an’ wid roads at the same or a higher price, an’ we’ll do this f’r ye whinLver ye can’t get down town to shop. But we’d rather be sent to th’ boilin’ down plant than put in a kerbin’ to keep ixpinsive paths and roads bein’ washed away before we can find them. Loan money spent on better roads an’ paths will not increase th’ value iv your proputty, but a kerbin’ will. Posterity (whoever he is) isn’t on the Borough roll, and therefore we regret to say that he has no vote.”

"But won’t the smells he rejooced, Dooley ?’’ “The coon who wants to rajooee smells is an inimy of his eonnthry. Rotorua thrives on them, and there the smells are sthrong enough to turn vour joolerv. Hennessey, whin ve see a doethor and a chimist rooshin’ f’r a sate amongst th’ diet, an’ thin the docther withdrawin’ in favour iv a chimist to save splittin votes, well —smells are safe!” “Why don't you stand for the Council, Dooley?” “I did once. Thousan’s iv men who wouldn't vote f’r me thin undher any circumstances, have declared that undher no circumstances will they vote f'r me now. And yet I’m a champion iv our gr’reat an’ glorious suburbs or any gr-reat or glorious purls thereof. 1 '