Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXVIII, Issue 19953, 10 November 1934, Page 15

Humour of the Week

His Job “Tom says he’s in touch with the heads of many organisations.” “Yes, he’s a barber.” Did She Know? “Daddy, do you think mother knows much about raising children?” “Why do you ask that?” “Well, she makes me go to bed when I’m wide awake —and she makes me get up when I’m awfully sleepy.” Strange “I wonder how the people in France can understand one another.” “Why, quite easily.” “That’s funny Both my daughters | speak French, and neither knows what j the other is talking about.” A Leading Light “How is your daughter getting on in j London?” “Fine! She’s a leading light in the j pictures.” "A film star?” “Not exactly—she shows the people to their seats with a torchlight.” Necessary Sambo, carrying a crate of eggs, tripped and fell headlong with dire consequences. - His friend Rastus, happening along ' just then, threw back his head and 1 shouted with laughter. Sambo watched him a moment. Then he commanded, “Boy! Shut yo’ mouf so’s I kin see who yo’ is.” Matrimonial Finance The Scot was getting married, and was talking to the shopman in a large ; furnishing establishment. “Yes,” said the shopman, “you can ! ' have £IOO worth of furniture by merely putting £lO down.” “Ah, weel,” pondered Sandy, “ye can deduct the £lO frae the furniture—so ( gie me £9O worth o’ goods an’ we’ll say it’s all settled.” He Who Laughs Last Back home in the small town Harry 1 was telling his friends about a trip to 1 London. “Jack thought it was a great joke when I spoke to a waiter in French,” , he said. } “Very funny, too, I should think,” agreed an old school chum. | “Yes, it was,” replied Harry. “I , told him to give Jack the bill.” Is This a Record? Mrs Maloney was telling her neighbour that she had just received a tele- ] gram stating that her soldier son had arrived safely in India that morning. ( The neighbour was amazed by the news. “What!” she exclaimed. “That seems . impossible, Mrs Maloney. The telegram must have travelled at a terrific speed.” “Shure, and faith it must have,” said < the proud mother. “Would ye believe it, when I received the envelope the ] gum on it was still moist!” j ] How Strange ( Two young men were walking home rather unsteadily after a late night at 3 their club. Presently they stopped under a lamp-post and one of them leaned heavily on his friend. “Do you know,” he said, with a faraway look in his eyes, “that when I j was born I only weighed one pound two ounces?” “ ’Sordinary!” said the other weakly. . “Did you live?” “Rather!” said the first. “You ought to see me now. I weigh twelve stone.” His Job The officer of the day entered a guardroom and found it empty except ( for a private who, stripped to his shirt ] and trousers, was lounging on a chair, smoking a clay pipe. “Where’s the ser- ‘ geant of the guard?” demanded the officer angrily. “Gone across to the non-coms’ mess to have a drink, sir,” replied the * ] private. “And the sentries?” “In the canteen, sir.” “Then confound it, what are you doing here?” “Me, sir?” was the reply. “I’m the ! prisoner.” Chief Offender One of the witnesses was unused to ; the ways of the law. After a severe ’ cross-examination, counsel paused, and ; then, putting on a look of severity, exclaimed: “Has not an effort been made ; to induce you to tell a different story?” “A different story from what I told, sir?” ■ "That is what I mean.” “Yes, sir, several persons tried to get ] me to tell a different story from what ] I have told, but they couldn’t.” “Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are.” “Well, I think you’ve tried about as < hard as any of them.” Then Jimson Owned Up When Simson was leaving his club the other night he discovered that somebody had taken his new umbrella —by mistake, of course—and had left an ancient gamp in its place. Next day he met Jimson on the street with it. “Say, old chap,” cried Simson, pleasantly, “would you mind handing over my umbrella?” “It’s not yours,” replied Jimson, with a show of indignation. “I bought it only last week.” “Sorry if I made a mistake,” said 1 Simson. Then in a more serious tone added: “Would you care to do me a slight favour?” “What is it?” “Give me .that silver band from round the handle? It’s got my name on it.”

Joan’s Luck “Joan was lucky in catching such a rich husband.” Yes, but her luck has deserted her.” In Self-Defence “Sure, Flaherty, that’s a fine family o’ bhoys ye’ve got.” “An’ it’s true for you to say so. I’ve never had to lift a hand to any o’ them except in self-defence.” Explicit Sergeant (instructing sentry): Don’t stir a foot from your post, but keep walking up and down and see what you can hear. Why He Ran First Film Extra: So you had to eat your breakfast and run this morning? Second Film Extra: Yes, before the restaurant manager could make me pay for it. Getting Ready New Maid: May my sweetheart visit me on Sunday afternoons? Mistress: Who is your sweetheart? New Maid: I don’t know yet—l am a stranger here. It Worked Poet: Did you tell your family I was coming over this evening to read some of my verses? Girl: Yes, and it worked like a charm. They’re all going out to the pictures. Brushed Away Boss (to office boy): What untidy hair you have. When I was a boy my hair was brushed every morning. Office Boy (meaningly): Yes, and just look what you’.ve done; you’ve swept it all away! A Difficult Task Mr Newlywed: Good heavens! Whatever has happened? Mrs Newlywed: This cookery book says that any old cup without a handle will dd for measuring, and it’s taken eleven to get the handle off without breaking the cup. Good Idea “When we are married,” she said, “you won’t expect me to give up all my spinster ways, will you?” “No, dear,” he replied. “It would be a good idea to continue some of them—getting your pocket money from your father, for instance.” A Warning Hostess: I hope my husband wasn’t rude when he asked you to play? Foreign Pianist: Oh, no. ’E ask me that I not play a certain tune. Hostess: What did he say? Foreign Pianist: ’E say. Don’t play ‘For ze love of Mike.’” In Court Magistrate: Madam, your husband charges you with assault. IViadam: Yes, your Worship. I asked him if he would ever cease to love me, and he was so slow in answering that I hit him in the eye with a mop. I’m only a woman, your Worship (tears), and a woman’s life without love is a mere blight. Jealousy Wife (with determined air): I want to see that letter. Husband: What letter? Wife: That one you just opened. I know by the handwriting that it is from a woman, and you turned pale when you read it. I will see it. Give it to me, sir. Husband: Here it is. It’s your milliner’s bill. Success First he ran excitedly from the room and fetched his wife. Then he went out into the garden and called the twins, who were telling the children next door what they would do when they arrived at the seaside. After that he persuaded young Albert to abandon for the moment his efforts to get Radio Paris on the wireless, brought cook in from the kitchen, and even asked nurse to lift baby from the perambulator. And, to his delight, he found that when they all sat on the largest trunk at once, he could just mange to fasten the lid. Sure Test Farmer Thomas gave a new hand a plateful of mushrooms for his supper. They were some he had gathered on a newly-acquired piece of land. “Isn’t anyone else having mushrooms for supper?” asked the hand, noticing that he was the only one eating them. “We like them for breakfast best,” said the farmer. Next morning Thomas went to his new hand’s room and asked him how he felt. “I feel fine,” said the hand. The farmer turned and walked to the kitchen. Putting his head round the door, he shouted to his wife: “It’s all right, Jane, they’re not toadstools!” Possibly The teacher was telling his class about the conquests of Alexander the Great. He made the tale a stirring one. “When Alexander had ’ conquered India,” he said, ‘what do you think he did. Do you think he gave a great feast to celebrate his triumph? No; he sat down and wept.” The children seemed a little disappointed at this exhibition on the part of the hero, but the teacher continued: “Now, why do you think Alexander wept?” he asked. Up went a little hand. “Well, Tommy?” said the teacher. “Please, sir,” said Tommy hesitatingly, “perhaps he didn’t know the way