Humour of the Week

Timaru Herald, Volume CXXXIV, Issue 18796, 7 February 1931, Page 11

Humour of the Week

Wise! Author: “Tell me candidly, what do you think of my latest book?” Clubman: “No, no. Let us remain friends.” Quite Possible. “That fellow is driving so carefully that I think he must be on the road for the first time.” “Maybe he has paid cash for his car.” A Careful Worker. She: “I read that Dickens sometimes worked for two weeks on one line.” He: “That’s nothing. My uncle worked twenty years on one sentence.” Ancient. Customer: “Look here, waiter, there’s a grey hair in this port.” Waiter: “Yes, sir; very likely, sir. You see. that wine is over two hundred years old.” Good Business. “I suppose the opening of this new restaurant next door has brought you more business?” “Well,” replied the chemist, “it has about trebled the sale of indigestion tablets.” Then and Now. “You used to sing ‘Every Morn I Send You Violets,’ before we were married,” said Mrs. Brimkin, with a sigh. “Yes,” answered Mr. Brimkin, “but my devotion has taken a more practical form. Every month I pay the meat bill.” No News to Norman. Norman ran blithely up the steps and gave the bell a joyful tug. The door was opened by the new maid, who had never seen the young man before. “Is Miss Edith in?” asked the welltailored youth on the steps. “Yes, sir,” replied the girl. “But I’m sorry, she’s engaged.” “That’s right,” agreed Norman. “Absolutely right; and I’m what she’s engaged to.” Losing the Lift. The lawyer whose office happened to be on the sixth floor of a large city building was expecting a client from the country. Suddenly the door opened and a man Staggered in. puffing violently. “What a climb up those stairs!” he gasped. “Why didn’t you take the lift?” asked the lawyer, who was rather amused at the other’s discomfiture. “I meant to,” explained the man from the country, “but I just missed the blinkin’ thing.” Not Wanted. Her father had made a great deal of money; in fact, it was rumoured that he was a millionaire, and to the bashful young man who had just asked permission to marry his daughter, the magnate said: “And would you love my girl just as fervently if she had no money at all?” The other clasped his hads together and rolled his eyes heavenward. “Naturally,” he replied. “Enough!” exclaimed the wealthy parent. “I don’t want any half-wits in my family!” And he escorted the suitor to the door. A Special Occasion. ’The wandering knight of the road, with true professional manner, had called the woman of the house to the door. With a whine in his voice he pleaded: “Please give a poor man a piece of cake and a glass of wine.” The woman looked him up and down with rising wrath. “Cake and wine? It seems that you are a rather particular kind of tramp!” she snapped. “As a rule I am easy to please,” replied the other. “But to-day is my birthday, and I would like to celebrate a little.”

The Endurance Champ. “Is Maizie s new boy friend really SO old?” “Old? Why, say, he gets winded playing chess!” Easily Remedied. Bookkeeper—l work as hard as Miller but he gets £lO a month more than I do. Chief.—Thats not right. From the beginning of next month Miller gets £lO a month less. What It Was. The young wife selected a flat and was installed in it when the husband came home from the office. “What do you think of the flat, as a whole, dear?” she asked. “As a whole, it’s fine; but as a flat it’s simply frightful,” he replied. Good Enough, Constable: “Let me see your driving licence.” Girl: “Well, as a matter of fact, officer. I don’t happen to have it on me, but if it will save you any bother, I can assure you it’s very much like any other jolly old driving licence.” “Right has Triumphed.” A certain litigant at the conclusion of an important case had to leave town before judgment had been pronounced. A few hours later his lawyer wired him as follow: “Right has triumphed.” To which he received the reply, “Appeal at once.” Quite Different. “Good heavens!” yelled the drill instructor to a middle-aged fellow who was trying to reduce his waistline, “Go sharper.” “I can’t go sharper. I’m tired.” “Tired? After ten minutes! Why, man, the Romans used to do this sort of thing for a couple of hours.” “Dare say they did,” growled the perspiring pupil. “But I’m not a F.oman, I’m Wesleyan.” Forestalled. A man got a job running waggons down an incline. There was only a sleeper at the bottom to stop the waggon, and the foreman told him to be careful and keep the brake on. In the third day four w;aggons went down at a terrific speed, jumped the sleeper nd plunged into the canal. The foreman rushed up furious. The man forestalled him: “You needn’t come grumbling to me,” he said, “I’ve left.” No Ordinary One. “I wish you wouldn’t try to sell a motor car to my husband,” said a lady to a well-known manufacturer. “Why not, madam, pray?” asked he. “Because he is not to be trusted with one,’’ replied the wife. “But, madam, our motor-cars are at what we call ‘fool proof,’ ” insisted the expert. “Yes, ordinarily, perhaps,” said the wife, “but you haven’t met my husband.” Proof Positive. Just as counsel in the King’s Bench Division. London, said. “Every electrical device in the world is liable to go wrong.” every light in the court immediately went out. A fuse was reported to have “blown.” Mr. Justice Acton, to Mr. Martin O’Connor (the counsel who made the remark): Well, that certainly supports your argument, but I am sure that no one will say that you did it on purpose. (Laughter). Economy! An Aberdonian met another Scot in the street and asked him if he had heard of the bad accident to the Lon-don-Aberdeen express. “Good Lord, man,” he replied, “my wife is in that train.” Just then a boy came along selling specials giving an account of the accident. “Now you can get a paper telling you all about it,” the friend said. “Hey. I’ll bide for the extra aitfl get the football finals as well!” A Miracle. Digger Brown, in need of a few daytf leave, attended sick parade with a minor complaint. The doctor placed a thermometer in his mouth, and while he was not looking Brown held a match to the bull to bring his “temperature” up a bit. “Do you know, old chap,” the doctor said when he read it, “you should be dead. Your temperature is 130, and no man ever lived with that before. You get back to the line. You are quite safe there, for it would be impossible to kill a man with your constitution.” Last Change Gone. Molly had been warned by her mother not to play in the muddy road. For the fourth time the girl had disobeyed, and her mother had brought her back and cleaned her up. “Now, look here, Molly,” she said, “HI give you one last chance. If you go out into the road again, I’ll have to put you to bed. and I’ll tell daddy what a naughty girl you have been when he comes back from the office.” The child disappeared, and nothing was heard of her for quite a long time. About ten minutes before her father was due home the little girl appeared at the kitchen door wet anu bedraggled. “Mummy,” she remarked, in a tone of cheerful resignation, “I’ve used up my last chance.”