STORYETTES.

Taranaki Daily News, Volume LII, Issue 173, 14 August 1909, Page 4

STORYETTES.

FOR BOOTS OR BEDDING. His car l>ad broken down, It was ten o'clock at night. The rain was beginning o drizzle. Dash it, bust it, and likewise blow it I , There was.an inn near by. It was only just an inn, but it was an inn. The landlord growled when he asked for a room, but at lust conceded it. Tliey put his motor iu the garage, among the mangel-wurzcls. He didn't have any supper. He just looked at it. Then he went up to bed. A minute later lie was leaning over the balustrade. "Landlord!" lie yelled. "Landlord! Do yuu think I'm going to clean my own hoots?"

"Wot's up?" called buck mine surly host.

"What's up? Why, what's the bootpolishing pad on my bed for?" "l'olishin'-pad?" roared back the landlord. "That's not a polishin'-pad, young feller. That's the pillow!"

'TOO MUCH OF A BAD THING. "And here we come," droned the pilot in the Croat Crystal Caves of'Blackgale (sixpence entrance fee, and don't forget the guide—thank you kindly, 'in!)—"and here we come to the celebrated and famous cavern of the twenty-four echoes, where only last year n gentleman who heard them suddenly and quite unexpectedly went slark, staring mad!" "Goodness gracious goodness me!" exclaimed an old lady with a black dress and a reticule, "how perfectly shocking! How did it occur?" "His mother-in-law," explained the guide, "called out to him; and when the poor and unfortunate fellow heard four-and-twenty mothers-in-law call him all at one and the same moment, it was too much for him!" GOLDEN SILENCE.

No doubt about it, Tom was a "slacker." When he first entered the offices of Hoggenheimer and Shekelstcin, brokers, he used to turn up at ten. Then he relapsed to eleven, twelve, and one. But he was the son of a millionaire, so Hoggenheimer and Shckel3tein endured his dilatoriness in silence.

When, however, the hour of attendance shifted to two. fchev remonstrated.

"But, my dear sirs," returned Tom, "how can I come any earlier? I don't get my breakfast until one." "But you can get your breakfast earlier,"

"How can I? I don't get up till twelve."

"Then get up earlier." "How can I?" pleaded Tom, "when I don't go to bed till daylight?" In the face of which convincing argument Hoggenheimer and Shekelstcin had nothing to remark.

THE MANTLE OF HOOD. Bill Brownrigg was a cricketer, who played for Hay-cum-Clover. While taking on his bike a "run," he "bowled a maiden over." He found she wasn't injured, left his cycle in a thicketj then, ill the gloam, he saw her home. They parted "at the wicket"! Bill called next day—a warm June morn—'twas good to be alive. His gig —quite new—just seated two. They had "a lovely drive." Bill thought with joy: "If I with her can only make a 'match,' I think, for me 'twill' really be 'a very brilliant catch.'"

But when Bill called to stae her pastern, muscular, and stout—his ardent dreams gave place to screams. Her father "ran him out."

Bill's hopes arc dashed, his front teeth ■smashed, he's fairly in the dumps. The dentist stands' with forcepp'd handsit's time to "draw the stumps"! i

WAITtXtf UP TO DATE. Our es'eemed friend Jerry Tomkins leisurely took a seat at vSi'gnor Spaghetti's eating-house. "Ycssair!" enquired a polite waiter, hurrying up. "H'm!" grunted Jerry, glancing down the bill-o'-fare. "Let me sec—toad-'n-'ole H'm! Give me two saus'ages an' mesh, waiter. An' plenty of gravy!" "Ver' good, sairi" The polite waiter applied himself to the Kpeakiii|;-tubc. "Two airships on a cloud!" he bellowed down. "And make zem rainy!"

'AXI)Y FOB 'AM. The foreman of the great Scrap Iron Works was in want of hands. Hands, however, were nowhere to bo obtained At the great Scrap Iron Works pay and hours were notoriously low anil long respectively, and that'wasn't the sort of job the workless' wanted. "Hallo, my man!" exclaimed the foreman one morning, pouncin gdown upon an out-at-the-elhows. down-at-tiie-niouth "Id loafer who happened to be haivin" round one of the old furnaces. ' : \ro you m want of work?"

/'What kind o' work?" asked the suspicious loafer.

"Well." said the foreman, ''could von lo anything with a shovel?" "Yes" answered the wearv one: "f could fry a piece of 'am mi it'"

DOWNY. It was a proud morning in the life of Jenkins junior. For years he had visited Hcrr Snippet's to test only the tame "53 of homely hair-cuts or spinc-curd-I'jiff shampoos. But to-day-at lastafter weeks of careful coaxing with such preparations as Growet, Quickwhisk. and 'ff rc . h .- 1 ', 1 »«d distinctly observed through his hand-mivror ftn incipient hair reposing sliyly on his upper lip, and he was going-to-be-shaved! P ' With the temerity of fearful iov, he ™d el hL\^ C '' S and bieatlied again o„ finding himself 0 bo the only customer. Calmly he took poMOMioB of the opcrating-chai. chm, a,id then-horror of horrors 1-the the S Wro,. Si ;' ? '", Cn(!UirCd " tllc of uie hoiror-stncken youth. ate r t ,C(I out thc mfortnn. wa 9 hJd O ;pleas".. Uo6PCl ' atiO,l • "*■«•«

WATER AND WLYE. fu» „f i r ° ,"' hI W Hovrogato was Mr bod'y'x ?rK" tournamcnMhe nifc %f^ longest wet* and t,,C °" C "' ho "Poke W >»«'™ -d the nations 'IT 2 V L ' S wcrc "'"""S ml ''-chid to '""""/" l,wlai '"«i fount of the waters?" ' "" ~<v liappilv. 1f.,.,1. „,,' J "'' n '"•'•', mi-1 whiskies!" " t ' C '°" lU «f the

wkaiuxc. . "straw" hj,» had 1,,,,.., ~' "," > the.} "«ct, and ei, 1 , t ,S '" K down "»} ~! ; .'e,r . "< ,h ° Ui^"l! " Kwped the new-''For-whali" ■ ~-, |™s is my hat." "TMiinl ',, ° IS ,mnc ?" »^i n o\^,^ iP,,t " And then, for"n,„ n„»i i. -ntystonerrememlero^b/hrt;,/ ■■^vms-oinowiJehadnianC; I™' 1 ™'' 1 THAT SOUFFLE *P B 3KW.B I vJ 'i'"' 0 .: 0 *" 1 ' n little huw ' "Oiiffle. T got the recipe, » ,in nlm»»n<l cookery-book." ! " irom the new Arthur smiled dor' mouthful. .Dtfully, and look n Tnn't say T ~, . 'Onf! S u ,' ■ I'ke it!" he spluttered right?" '' -V"" jmt the instructions "0 V *»' . f !; V "V '•'■"pomled F>anor. "f <.„,, > then, oy heart from the book .In, T m Z /"*' K,l ° "W-' .low,, He '-One" If 11 *;" Arthur. One pound of castor s-ii-nr- miv "'HHvitl, .vhite of three freshly* ( CmT"ct!" .said her snnuso. ~ Add a pinch of white pepper "•

Awarded Fmsi BhiTxb Hbdil in Competition, 1883.