WIT AW HUMOUR

Te Awamutu Courier, Volume 55, Issue 3929, 21 July 1937, Page 3

WIT AW HUMOUR

Fair Visitor: Oh, look at all those men playing golf. Her Guide: They’re not playing golf. They’re shifting sand on relief work. “Do you believe in heredity?” “Absolutely. That’s how I got all my money.” “He is the nicest boy friend I’ve ever had.” “And is he aware that he is being had?” Caller: Is Mr Williams at home’ Servant: Yes, sir. You will find him at the club. Two crack golfers had sliced their balls into the rough. They searched for them for a long time without success. After a quarter of an hour or so, a kindly old lady who had been watching the search come up and spoke to one of them. "Excuse me,” she said, “but would it be cheating if I told you where they are?” WHY BRING THAT UP? Some noisy relatives were visiting a couple, and happened to mention theii dog, a big mongrel. “He’s just like one of the family,” said the pup’s proud mistress. "Which one?” asked the hostess. NEARLY DONE. Jimmie was going out with his mother one afternoon, and had been sent upstairs to get ready. After' a fong wait the mother called up the stairs, “Hurry down, Jimmie, we’re late now. Have you got your shoes on yet?” “Yes,” replied the boy; "all but two.” WHEN TWO HALVES MAKE NOTHING. “Pa,” said Willie, "a man’s wife is his better half, isn't she?” “Well, we are told so, my son,” said father noncommittally. “Well, then,’ continued Willie, "if a man marries twice there isn’t anything of him left, is there?” DON’T WAKE HIM. Mr Henpeck: My wife has disappeared—a fortnight ago. Police Sergeant: Why didn’t you notify us before? Mr Henpeck: I couldn’t believe it. I thought I was dreaming. THE SECOND SIGHT. “Dotty broke with Jack.” “Why?” “He said he fell in love with her at first sight.” “What’s wrong with that?” “Well, he met her at a masquerade,”

BLISSFUL IGNORANCE. Uncle: You boys of to-day want too much money. Do you know what I was getting when I married your aunt? Nephew: No. And I bet you didn’t either! NOT GENUINE. The little group of country folk had been watching the band play for several minutes. They had never seen a trombone before, and the player ofthat instrument received particular attention. Finally one farmhand nudged another with his elbow. “Come on,” he said, “it’s a fake. He don’t smaller it every time.” Wireless Salesman: Yes, sir, this is the very set for you. Absolutely foolproof! Judge This man says that after he fired a shot he saw you run from the chicken-coop. Rastus Johnsing: He could easy be mistaken, Jedge. Fast ez Ah was runnin’, it mought have been someone else what faintly resembles me. A FOGGY NOTION. During a thick fog a man hailed a taxi-driver. “How much to the station?” he asked. “Five shillings,” replied the driver. “Outrageous! Why, that’s almost double the fare,” protested the man. “Well, look at the fog,” said the driver. I cannot see my way to take you for less.” Tompkins the clerk, was easily amused, and laughed at things others found far from amusing. One morning Clayton, a fellowclerk, had the misfortune to drop a heavy weight on his favourite com, whereupon Tompkins gave his wellknown roar. “What are you cackling at, you blithering idiot?” demanded the injured one angrily, clasping the damaged foot tenderly. "I— haw haw haw— can’t help it, Clayton,” giggled the other. “I always— haw haw —have to laugh at anything funny.” “So that’s it, is it?” replied the other, venomously. “I expect, then, that you have a dickens of a job keeping your razor steady. BENCH AND BAR. One day a celebrated advocate was arguing before a very stupid and very rude Scottish judge, who, to express his contempt of what he was saving pointed with one forefinger to one of his ears, and with the other to tho opposite one. “You, see, this, Mr ?’ ’ “I do, my lord,” said the advocate. “Well, it just goes in here and comes out there!” and his lordship smiled with the hilarity of a judge who thinks he has actually said agood thing. “I do not doubt it, my lord. What is there to prevent it?”