HUMOUR

Te Awamutu Courier, Volume 52, Issue 3756, 15 May 1936, Page 3

HUMOUR

Why is a beehive like a bad potato? - -Because a beehive is a beeholder, a beholder is a spectator, and a speckled ’tater is a bad potato. Why should a man named Ben marry a girl called Ann?—Because he would be Benefited and she Anniemated. A bishop had been speaking with some feeling about the use of cosmetics by girls. “The more experience I have of lipstick,’’ he declared, warmly, “the more distfeteful I find it.” An actor married a wealthy woriian and had retired. One day he and his wife were walking down the avenue when they passed two actors who had known the husband. "There goes Bill,” said one of them, sneeringly, "with his labour saving device.” X The curate was a keen cricketer, and one Saturday he distinguished himself by playing a very useful undefeated innings. On the following day, when he was conducting the service, he caused a slight sensation by announcing: "We shall now join in singing hymn No. .83 not out.” TOO BAD. Wife: 'Ere you are, just ’ome after doing two years for arson, and you can’t . even make the kitchen fire dra/v! WISDOM. Mother was singing baby to sleep. For some minutes Jimmy contemplated this; then he said to his father, philosophically, “Daddy, if I were baby, I’d pretend to’be asleep.” QUITE TRUE. "What is the most useful creature in the world to mankind?” asked the teacher. x “A hen, sir,” replied Freddie Wilson. "A hen?" echoed the teacher. “How do you make that out?” “We can eat it before it is born and after it is dead,” explained’ the boy.

AN IMPERFECT RECORD. Little Ernie’s father entered the room and found his boy deep in a big volume. Presently he saw the boy thrust the book back into its shelf and give a groan of disgust. "What are you doing, Ernie?” asked the father. "It’s all right, dad,” returned the boy. "Just looking up (he ‘History of England.’ ” “What for, my boy?” inquired the father. “Why,” returned the boy, "Jacky Turner says that Steve Hotspur played goal for England against Scotland in 1928. I say he didn’t.” IDENTIFIED. First Room Mate: Where’s my golf socks? Second Room Mate: What golf socks? First Room Mate: The ones with eighteen holes. TRY THIS. “How did you stop your husband staying late at the club?” “When he came in late I called out, jls that you, Jack,’ and my husband’s name is Robert.” OPPORTUNITY. A Scotsman rushed into hospital, bleeding from a cut in the cheek. “Done while shaving, I suppose,” said the doctor. “You want me to stop that for you?” "Not necessarily,” replied the Scot. "I was wonderin’ bow much ye paid for blood transfusions.” AND LET THE-CREDIT GO. Her Father: You are going to marry that insignificant little fellow! Why, you used to say you would never marry a man less than 6 feet high. Daughter: Oh, I know, dad. But I decided to take oft 20 per cent for cash. THE PEACEMAKER. “ What’s the shape of the earth ? ” asked the teacher, calling suddenly on wee Wullie. “ Round,” said Wullie . “ How do you know it’s round ? ” asked the teacher. “W|ell,” said Wullie, “if square, then. I dinna want ony argument aboot it.”

ANALYSIS. He came home late for supper. He was a professor of chemistry, and she was a wife who tried to have a good meal ready for him every night. When he was late her good cooking would bo spoiled, and he would start to find fault. He was late again to-night. The supper was cold. The argument was on. The family finally broke down crying. But he was a professor of chemistry. “ Stop crying I Your tears have no effect on me. What are they ? A small percentage of phosphorus salts, a little sodium chloride. All the rest water. Bah ! ” WAYS AND MEANS. A clerk had stolen a sum of money, and his employer was asking advice from his friends as to how he should be dealt with. “ Get rid' of him at once,” said an Englishman. “ Keep him and deduct a sum from his wages,” advised a Scot. “ But,” said the employer, “ ,the amount he has embezzled is far more than his wages.” “ Then raise his wages 1 ” quoth an Irishman. BROWN ON RESOLUTION. Little Brown sat up trembling in bed as the burglar quietly filled his sack with valuables. Having exhausted the resources of one bedroom, the burglar moved into the next, and completely forgot his gun on the dressing table. Jumping out of bed, Brown quickly seized the weapon, took out the bullets, replaced it again, and scrambled between the sheets. “ There ! ” he grinned to himself. “That will teach him not to be so absent-minded the next time he comes 1 ” i i■ 7 IRREPROACHABLE EGGS. The other day in a dairy I saw some eggs labelled “new-laid,” and was told they had come by ship from Australia. “What,” I asked the dairy maid, “ will they be called when they are brought by air ? ” It seemed to be an unanswerable poser. She tried and tried, but could not think of a name that would go one better than “ new-laid.” All the wellworn classifications from “fresh” to “ election ” were useless. On the very next day I saw an advertisement of “ irreproachable ” eggs.—London Star.