A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume IV, Issue 986, 31 May 1930, Page 21

A Jest or Two

Good Hunting. —Wagg: “Have any luck hunting lions in Africa?” Tagg: “Yes. I didn’t meet one.” All Stocked Up. —Author: “Can I sell you a scenario?” Movie Producer: “O’wan, we’ve had a scenario for years.” Excuse It, Please! —“How would you classify a telephone girl ? Is hers a business or a profession?" ‘•Neither. It’s a calling.” Cheerful Joiner. —St. Peter: “And here is jour golden harp.” Newly Arrived American: “How much is the first payment?” Why Worry? —“Oh, Mr. Yifnif, come quick! Your wife’s fallen in the well!” “Thass all right—don’t worry about that. We’re using city water now!” The Difference. —"lt seems that the most successful marriages are those between people who are unlike.” “Yes, tliat is why I insist on marrying a girl with money.” Too Busy Now! —She: “Spring is here.” Professor: “Hum—l have no time today—tell him to call again tomorrow.” Popular. —Mother: “Well, Jimmy, do you think your teacher likes you?” Jimmy: *‘l think so. mummy, because she puts a big kiss on all my sums.” Keeping the Doctor Away. —“ Why do you suppose Hotstuff passes by here every day eating an apple?” “I guess he’s on his way to see that old girl of his, the doctor’s wife.” Cinemania. —“Yes,” said the flapper tourist after she had been ushered through room after room of the magnificent. palace at Versailes. “It’s a pretty smart place. What pictures are they showing here this week?”

What Kind of Work! —Kind Lady: “Why don’t you go to work?” Tramp: “I would if I had the tools.” Kind Lady: “What sort of tools do you want?” Tramp: “A knife and fork.” A Monologue. —Fop: “The most delightful thing in the world is to hold converse with the person one loves most in the world.” Lady: “But it is very bad to talk to yourself.” • « a Rehearsing for a Harp.—“At times my wife seems to be trying to be an angel.” “You mean when she wants something from you?” “No; when she drives the car.” We Know Him Well. —"l’m kind o’ worried about that boy o* mine,” said Farmer Corntossel. “He’s one of those young fellows that’s too smart to take advice and not quite smart enough to think it up for themselves.” He Meant Clearer. —“ Don’t you see the resemblance?” asked the proud mother, exhibiting her baby. “Just look at our faces side by side.” “Nothing could be plainer,” replied the guest absent-mindedly. ft ft « Adroit. —Forgetful' Husband (to friend): “I want you to help me. I promised to meet my wife at 1 o’clock for luncheon, and I can’t remember where. Would you mind ringing her up at our house and asking her where I am likely to be about that time?’ Warning. —The poet was famous, but the landlord was irate. “I want my rent,” stated the latter, “and I want it today. If I don’t get it tomorrow people will be pointing out this house as the place where you once lived.” Taking It on Trust. —She: “Where did you get that umbrella?” He: “It was a gift from sister.” She: “You told me you hadn’t any sisters.” He: “I know —but that’s what s engraved on the handle.” The True Value. —“Y'esterday I was nearly drowned, but just as I was going down for the last time a man dived in and rescued me. When lie brought me ashore I gave him a shilling. “Well, what did the man say?” “Nothing. He gave me back sixpence.” Retribution. —They were having a musical evening, and the hostess asked the celebrated bass to sing another song. “I’m afraid it's too late,” he replied. “I should disturb the people in the neighbouring house.” “And a good thing, too,” replied the lady. “They poisoned our dog last week.” Preference to Charwomen. — “I should I have thought,” said the husband, very grumpily, “that this, being my birthday, you might have considered my wishes and had my favourite lemon pudding for dinner.” “I’m sorry, dear,” replied his wife, “but your birthday falls on the same day as the charwoman’s.” “Whatever has that to do with it?” he asked. “Well, dear, you know she prefers tapioco,” came the answer.

Wasn’t Her Fault.—Mistress: -Do you think you will settle down here? You’ve left so many situations.’* Maid: “Yes. m'm. But remember. I didn’t leave any of them voluntarily: ” That Wasn’t Fair. —“ Why did you leave your job at Levy and Sons?" “They did something I didn't like.” “What was that?” “They gave me the sack.” When Neptune Has His Face Lifted. —Freddy: "What is an iceberg. Daddy?” Daddy: “Why. it’s a kind of a pci - manent wave, son.” • * * Reward of Shivers. —Chi vers; “1 take a cold shower every morning.’’ Williams: “Why brag about it?" Chivers: “Gosh, that’s why 1 take it’-” Rough Stuff.—Toi n: “Was the oM man violent when you told him you wanted to marry his daughter?” “Violent? I should say so. Why. he nearly shook my hand off.” Lost at Sea. —O'flicer (referring to member of crew who was ricked up after being in the water for over an hour): “Is he all right?” Sailor: "Yes, sir, ’ccpt that be seems to ave lost *is sens© of humour!” Giving Them Away. —Donald <tr» wife at railway station>: “What! Ye canna get a porter tae tak’ oor luggage?” Wife: “Na, na. Y© try. Donal'. Your accent’s no’ quite sac noticeable ’ Conversational. Five - Year - Old : "Mamma, look at that funny man across the street.” Mother: “What is ho doing?” Five-Year-Old: “Sitting on the sidewalk talking to a banana peel.”

Plumper Pickin’*—First Hobo: “I'm like the poet, I long for the wings of a dove.” Second ditto: “Huh; Bight now I’d rather have the breast of a chicken, 'long with a couple’a drumsticks.” * * * Boy Who Made Good. —Null: “I started out on the theory that the world lias an opening for me.” Void: “And you found it?” Null: “Well, rather. I’m in the hole now.” v ft * Dangerous Amiability. Teacher: “Robert, if you are always very kind and polite to all your playmates, what will they think of you?” Robert: “Some of ’em would think they could lick me!” Owning Up.—Habitual Sponger: “Smith has just refused to lend me a five pound note. Did you think there were such mean people in the world?” His Audience: “Yes, I’m another 111.© that, myself.” The Last Instalment. —Doctor: “This is a very sad case. I am afraid your wife’s mind is completely gone.” Husband: “I am not a bit surprised. She has been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years!” o c «• Lonely Work. —Banker: “So you are a locksmith—have you ever opened a safe before?” Workman: “Yes, sir.” Banker: “Alone?” Workman: “Of course, the other two kept guard down below.” Quo Vadis? —Policeman (to motorist who nearly collided): “Don’t you know that you should always give I half of the road to a woman driver? ' Motorist: “I always do, when I ■ find out which half of the road she | want* ” * * * Division of Labour. —Wife (at busy crossing): “Now remember, Herbert, the brake is on the left—or Is it the right—but don’t—” , Henpecked Husband: “For heaven’s sake stop chattering. Your Job is to smile at the policeman!” * * * But Not a Holiday. —Tommy: “Good morning. Mrs. Brown. Did you enjoy you holiday?” Mrs. Brown: “Holiday? What holiday? I haven’t been away.” Tommy: “Oh, I thought you had. I heard mother say that you and Mr. Brown had been at loggerheads.” « • • This Way for Reductions.—Landlady i (at boarding-house): “I am very glad | to hear that you cam© because of th© recommendation of a friend.” Guest: “Yes- As soon as I said the doctor had ordered me to begin a treatment for reducing weight, my friend told me to come here.” In the Same Boat.— A woman hire! 1 a taxicab. The door of the cab w? - hardly closed before the engine started with a jerk, and the cab began to race madly along, narrowly missing lampposts, tram -cars, policemen, etc. Becoming frightened. the woman remonstrated with the chauffeur: “Please be careful. This is the first time I ever rode in a taxi.” The chauffeur reassured the pasI* senger as follow: “That’s all right, ma’am. This >• the first time I ever drove one.”