A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 840, 7 December 1929, Page 23

A Jest or Two

Attention. —X.: “How long has Mackie been in business?" Y.: “Judging by his typewriter ribbon, I should say 57 years." The Portents.— Fortune-telling Madame: 4 Tm afraid, sir. that you are going to meet a dreadful misfortune." Mr. Henpeck (absently): "I know, and I suppose she'll be late, as usual." i * * • The Tone of It.—Judge: “Can you tell the Court exactly what the traffic ! officer said to you?" Defendant: “No, but I can give you a gruff idea.” The Brave and the Fair.—The Plain Girl: "Let's go out where it's deep and call for help, perhaps some hero would save us." The Other One: “Don’t be silly—do you want to drown?" The Remnant.—Waggish Diner (with menu): “Chicken croquettes, eh? 1 say, waiter, what part of a chicken is the croquette?" Waiter: “The part that's left over from the day before.” . * • « Shop Methods.—May: “And so you accepted that young mailing clerk?” June: “How could I help it! He addressed me rapidly, then enveloped me in his arms, stamped a kiss on my lips and sealed it all with a hug!" * * • Far Away.—Smith: “Is that chap Brown a relation of yours?" Brown: “Yes; a distant one." Smith: “Very distant?" Brown: “Well, rather. He’s the eldest of 15 children, and I’m the youngest." * * • Stalemate.—Two Scotsmen took dinner together in a restaurant. After dinner, the waiter brought the bill. The two sat and talked for a couple of hours, after which conversation failed, and they merely smoked in silence. At 1 a.m. one of them got up and telephoned to his wife. “Dinna wait up any longer for me, lass,” he said; “it looks like a deadlock."

Uprightness. —The old-fashioned farmer was hard to convince. “No,” declared he. “I*ll have no such contraption in my house. Planners are bad things.” “O, but father,” protested his daughter, “this is an upright piano." see Underhand Methods. Dear Old Lady:: “I don’t think the new vicar can be quite a scrupulous sort of man.” Maid: “Whatever makes ’you think tfiat?" Dear Old Lady: “Well, I heard someone say he bowls underhand.”

So There, Now: —“It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake,” gently complained the young husband. “That shows you know nothing about it, darling,” answered his wife triumphantly. “The cookery book says it’s perfectly delicious." * * • Suspicious Agreement.—At a military dance one officer said to another, as they adjourned for refreshments, “I don’t know how it is, but my wife’s lipstick always tastes different from any other woman’s," and he carefully wipe# his lips. “Yes, doesn’t it?” remarked the other absently-mindedly. Generating Energy.—A lady found her new maid asleep for the third time one afternoon in the kitchen rockingchair. “What, asleep again!” said the mistress, completely out of patience. “When I engaged you, you told me you were never tired.” “No, ma’am, I ain’t,” the new “treasure” answered. “But I should be if 1 didn’t sleep.”

The Difference.—The flrat thing some people want hen they get a little money is a car; then the first thing they want when they get a car is a little money. The “Wet” Way.—A man had been hauled out of the sea, seemingly dead. Spectator: “We must try artificial respiration. There are six different methods." “Dead" Man: "If brandy is one of them, leave the other live.” Different.—" Myer, you’re a swindler —you took yesterday off to bury your mother-in-law, and today 1 met her in the park.” “Pardon me. 1 did not say she was dead; I only said I would like to go to her funeral.”

The Future. —A smart young nan walked into an insurance office and asked the office boy: “Can you insure mv soul?" “I don’t know," replied the boy, “but if you will take a seat, I will ask the manager of the fire insurance department.”

Second Sight.-~Wilber, having been to New York, was telling his cronies of the sights he saw. “An’ up at the hospital I seed one of these machines that tell if a man’s lying.” “Pooh,” said Luke from his corner. “Pooh?” Did you ever see one?” “See one? I married one!” His Helper.—The young doctor sat down wearily in his easy chair and turned to his wife affectionately. “Has my darling been lonely?’* “Oh, no,” she said. “At least, not very lonely. I’ve found something to do with my time.*’ “Oh,” he said, “what is that?” “I’m organising a class. A lot of women are members, and we’re teaching each other to cook-” “What do you do with the things you cook?” asked the doctor. “We send them to the neighbours.*" “Dear little woman.” he returned, kissing her. “Always thinking of your husband’s practice.” ♦ • * The Gesture.—A nervous woman passenger on a train, as a climax to a hundred foolish 'questions, asked the guard: “Guard, why do you wave your hand when you want the train to start?" “Oh,” replied the tormented man “when I wave my hand that means get to blazes out of here.” Someone who overheard the guard's answer warned him that the nervous woman was the wife of a director. “Phew!” exclaimed the guard, “I had better apologise." He paused at the woman’s seat, took off his hat, and began an apology. She didn’t say anything. She just waved her hand! Faith and Works.—A young curate, rushing quickly for his train, was greatly perturbed to see his bishop walking on in front. He tried to hurry past, but all to no purpose. “No hurry,” remarked the bishop. Tm going on that train, so well travel down together.” But when they arrived at the station the train had gone, and the bishop, pulling out his watch, said, “1 can’t understand it. I had great faith in my watch.” “Yes, my lord,” answered the other, “but faith alone is not sufficient, you must have good works." • • • The Eventful Life.—The dear old lady was chatting amiably with the innocent lift-boy as the lift rattled upward. “Don’t you find this work monotonous?” she asked. “Oh. no, mum,” came the reply. “Sometimes it’s quite exciting. Only yesterday a man started to get out too soon, and got his head cracked, and last week the machinery broke down, and two people were hurt. And now this ’ere rope looks sort o’ weak. I shouldn’t wonder if it broke any time. And the ! engineer's ill today, and a hamatoor’* ; on his job. It all makes things interI estin’l”