A Jest or Two

Sun (Auckland), Volume III, Issue 762, 7 September 1929, Page 19

A Jest or Two

Sad.—Pity the poor little Scottish laddie who didn't know how old he was. His father would never tell him when his birthday was. Taking His Medicine. -M .gistrai“And you were having: words with your wife?” E>efen< “Not our, from 'er.” x Life Everlasting.— hair is said to be six years. But sometimes when a man s wife finds a strange one on his shoulder he hears about it for the rest of his life. Domestic Economy Triumphant.— One argument in favour of bridge is that it has done away with the nveessity for an attic to store junk in. We give it all away now as prizes.

Knows His Ribs.—" Which do you like better, balloon tyres or high-pres-sure tyres?” **l like balloon tyres better.” “What kind of a car do you have?” “I don’t have any, I’m a pedestrian.” . Interfering With Nature. —The weary magistrate said. “Can’t this case be 1 settled out of court?” “Jes’ what we’s trying to do. yo’ honour, when the policeman interfered.” ■-z * e Revising Emerson. —“Let’s see, how does that saying go: ‘lf a man make a better mouse-trap than his neighbour, the world will beat—will beat—” ‘ Will beat him out of the patent, no doubt.” * * * Hero By Proxy.—Two little boys came into the dentist’s office. One said to the dentist, “I want a tooth took out and I don’t want no gas because I’m in a hurry.” Dentist: “That’s a brave little boy. Which tooth is it?” Little Boy: “Show him your tooth, Albert.-

Too Slow.—“ Why are you in prison, my good man?” “For driving a car too slowly.” “You mean too quickly.” “No, I mean too slowly. The owner overtook me.”. A Human Barometer. Farmer Barnes: I’ve bought a barometer, Hannah, to tell when it’s goin’ to rain. Mrs. Barnes: Why, I never heard o’ such extravagance! What do ye s’pose Providence has given ye th’ rheumatiz for? Bad Housekeeping.—Mrs. Smith: Mrs. Brown, lend me a drop of vinegar. Mrs. Brown: I am sorry, but I haven’t any in the house. Mrs. Smith: What a bad housekeeper you must be. Whenever I come to borrow a bit of anything you haven’t any. «t * * Infighting.—The squad of recruits had been- taken out to the rifle range for their first try at marksmanship. They knelt at 250 yards and fired. Not a hit. They were moved up to 200 yards. Not a hit. They tried it at 100. Not a hit. “’Tensliun!” the sergeant bawled. “Fix bayonets! Charge! It’s jour only chance.” * * * Through Rose-Coloured Glasses. — The archbishop had preached a splendid sermon on the beauties and jojs of married life. Two old Bridgets ! waddled slowly out at the close of the service. “Ah, ’twas a fine sermon his rivrince was after tellin’ us.” “Indeed it was. An’ 1 wish I knew as little about it as lie does.” Familiar Voice. —“Only yesterday,” said Jones, who was discussing philansum of money, and in consequence 1 passed a sleepless night. The tone of her reproachful voice never left me for a moment.” “Dear me, indeed a kind heart! Who was the woman?” -My wife l” The Shoe Pinched.—A man slightly under the influence of alcohol entered a shop to buy a pair of shoes. He tried on a pair, but complained that they hurt him. “A little bit tight, eh?” queried the assistant. The customer fixed him with glassy eye. j “Tliatsh none of your businesh. ne said. The Ruling Passion.—An old a'-'or-manager died, or at least his relatives thought he had died, and aiTangements were made for the funeral. On the appointed day one of his old colleagues arrived to pay his last respects, but to his astonishment the would-be mourner was informed that j “deceased had come to life after a i period of coma.” “Just like Bill.” said the visitor; “h----was always a terror for rehearsals.”

We’ve Heard ’Em.—.lonos "Why. m> daughter leivrned to play tho piano J«; ’ no time. Brown ta neighbour): Yes, JA** - Lucky Fellows.— Most of our w! less announcers, wo read, are married. . We suppose that ti c thrill of reading i the news without interruption never palls on thorn. The Theme Song.— \ Illsn actro.-.s i says that her next picture will be the story of her own life The orchestra will get very tired f playing the “Weil , ding March.”

The Maid Unique.—Mistress: But why should you wish to leave, after being in my service for 45 years? Maid: Well, ma’am. I don’t want to get into a rut. No Progress.—An old lady in Egypt was being shown round tho Pyramids “Madam,” said the guide. Jmpre? sively, as they halted opposite one of the mighty erections, “it took nearly 2,000 years to build this.” “I can quite believe it.” rejoined the visitor, vigorously. “Our workmen at home are very nearly as bad.”

Charm of Silence.—Mr. Bichman. ”Ho\v do j’ou like this place? Shall we buj’ it?” His Wife: “Oh. it’s perfectly lovely*. Tho view from this balcony is so fine that it leaves me speechless” “Then we’ll buy it.” * * At All Costs.—Tommy, after going to bed, became thirsty. He called out: “Mamma. I want a drink.” Mother’s voice answered back: “Tommy, you go to sleep.” Tommy was silent for 3 0 minutes. Then: ’•Mamma, I want a drink.” “Tommy, go to sleep at once!” “But, mamma, I want a drink.” “If you don’t go to sleep this minute I’ll come and thrash you.” More silence, this time for about two minutes. And then: “Mamma, when you come to spank me, will you bring me a drink!”

Inexhaustible. —A well-known author was being put through a searching interrogation. “Don’t you sometimes feel that eventually there will come a day when you'll have written your.-« lf out?” persisted his persecutor. “Havo you ever thought that when that happens you'll have to find another way of earning your living?” The author was at a loss for a minute “But, my dear lady,” he retor ed. “I don't think it’s possible for a moment. You have been talking for 40 years and you haven’t talked yourself out yet, have you ?”