FAMILY DIALOGUES

Southland Times, Issue 21657, 19 March 1932, Page 18

FAMILY DIALOGUES

A MOTOR RIDE. —Prize.— It*is an old, dilapidated ear, and its occupants are equally so. In number they are eight. There is Mr Green, an undersized hen-pecked man; Mrs Green, an extremely stout woman with flaming red hair; Henry, a boy of 13 years, also having brilliantlyhued hair; Bill, his brother of 10 years, a pert, cheeky-youngster; Rose, his sister of . nine, with “mousey” hJic; Jean of seven, with ginger hair and fiery temper ; Tommie of four years, the “angel” of the family, having fair hair. and blue eyes; Bub. of thirteen months, a big.baby girl, sadly neglected-and always howling. As we see them they are seated in- the car, which chug : chugs along, pausing occasionally as the chugging grows louder, the while steering an erratic course along the deserted country road. Everybody is talking at the same time, the baby howls loudly, and Ma is trying to quieten them, and between things tell Pa what she thinks of his efforts in the art of driving the car. Ma: “Hush, Baby, hush! There now, don’t take on so Jean, you stop that fightin’! Stop it! D’you ’ear what I say? Pa;” (at scream pitch)—“Look-out! You’ll ’ave us in the.ditch there, an’ I ’aven’t paid the life insurance. Ah! There yer go! You ought to have a car, when you can’t even steer straight! Oh, my poor nerves. (Sighs). Never again—it’s the last time I’ll go out with you!” Pa: “Yes, Mag, it’s all right! The kid tickled me head and I couldn’t ’elp it. Now you stop that, or watch out!” (One of the children in the back seat had leaned forward to tickle Pa’s bald pate with a feather. He turns round to smack it.) Ma: (screaming) “’Erb! ’Erb! There you go—into the ditch! Leave the kid alone can’t yer!” (Pa meekly obeys, but the children soon tire of tickling him when they get no response). Ma: (murmuring) “Never again! Never again! Oh my poor, poor nerves." (She gazes out at the scenery, while the children continue to squabble unheeded by their parents.) Henry: (chanting) “Jean Green is a skite ” Jean: “You be quiet, Henry Green. You needn’t speak!” (Grabs a handful of his hair, and gives it a vigorous tug). "Just because you winned five marbles from John Andrews you skited like anythink'!” Henry: “Aw! Be quiet, yourself—can’t take a joke, you'can’t. Anyow it was Sandy Browns I winned them off, and it was seven marbles.” Jean: (shrilly) “O-o-o! It was not! Don’t tell fibs. It was only five marbles." Henry: (furiously) "How do you know’, any’ow? Think I don’t know ow many marbles I w'inned? Y r ou didn’t win them.” Rose: “Oh, do dry up you two!” Henry: "Dry up yourself, mousey! Just because you’re a bit sweet on Sandy you don’t like to think I beated ’im for ten marbles. Me, wot’s you’re own brother!” (Rose blushes, but remains silent at the taunt. Jean, however, is not to be gain-said.) Jean: “I thought you said it was seven before! Yoq don’t know yer own mind! I don’t believe you winned any at all!” Henry: “Oh, no, Miss Smartie? You don’t, don’t ’cher?” (Drawling in American fashion). “Tommie—what a’ you lookin’ at?” (To Tommie, who has been looking out the windows). Tommie (dreamily) : “A funny cow!” Henry: “What’s that? I’ll have no lip from a nipper like you! Call me a cow, would yer? We’ll see about that!” (He make a dive for the opposite side of the car, but Bill, stirring himself from his slumbers, prevents him reaching there). Bill: “Oh, no you don’t! Leave the kid alone! He means that he was lookin’ at a cow in a paddock! We ain’t ’alf smart are we?” (Gives a nasty nazal laugh). Ma: (excitedly “Look! Quick, look! See up there!” The Family: “What? Where? What?” Ma: “There, there! An airyplane! Can’t you see?” (The whole family gazes heavenwards, including Pa.) For' a time the car keeps to the road, but suddenly, as Pa cranes his neck still farther to keep the aeroplane in view, it takes a swift dive to the side of the road. Ma: (screaming) “Pa! That ditch! Oh! Oh!” (She continues to moan, while Pa comes to himself to find his two right-side wheels in the ditch. The children are silent for once; and then the howls of the baby arouse them. Henry and Rose look worried, while the other children sob Ma: "Now you’ve done it, Erb! How just like you. Oh —oh what shall we do! ’Ow can we get out? We’ll all be drowned” (She turns round) “Be quiet you kids, it’s all right!” Henry: “Hey! You’re squashin’ me! Move over!” Jean: “We can’t, we slip down the seat! 800-hoo! I don’t wanta be drowned! (The car is leaning over, and the children are inclined to slip down, much to Henry’s indignation.) Ma: “Can’t you get us out, Erb? You’d sit there like a dummy and see yer wife and family drowned, yer would! You ’artless creator’ ’Ow like you!” Pa: (harassed in a state of irritability) "Stop that row, you lot! Can’t any of yer think ’ow to get out of this mess?” Bill: (pertly) “Open the door, is the usual way, Pa!” Pa: (scowling) “No cheek! I was talking about the car!” Ma: (whiningly) “’Ow just like you—put the car before us, yer would!” Pa braces himself, and finds out all he can of the situation in which he has landed his family. Pa: “Tom!” Tommie: “I don’t like being called Tom' ” Pa: "Stop that whining, you! See if you can open that door.” Tommie pushes the door feebly, then whimpers. Tommie: “I can’t get it open!” Pa: “Push hard, man! Push hard, can’t yer. Here—l’ll do it myself.” (He turns round in his seat, and tries to open the door, but fails.) Rose: “I’ll do it, Pa!” (After much grunting she succeeds.) Ma: (anxiously) “Mind—be careful! We don’t want no broken necks ’ere!” (After see that there is nothing to be afraid of, they all tumble out, and rush round to the opposite side, where they find the wheels of the car firmly embedded in the ditch. Much to their disgust they find that it contains only a few inches of water, and is little more than one foot in depth.) Pa: “Now 'ow are we goin’ to get the car out. Those kids can t push hard enough.” Ma: “That’s just’ like you—thinking about the car, when you ought to be feeling thankful that we weren’t drowned. We’ll ’ave to wait for a car to come, an’ that may be all night! A fine lookout! ’Ow just like you, Erb. Oh my poor nerves! Never again! As I say—ow just like you. No sympathy w’atever!” —2/6 and 3 marks to Cousin Constance Fox (14), 94 Earn Street, Invercargill. THE FIRST TRIP. —Prize.— Characters: Mr and Mrs Goon; Jack a small boy of six. Scene: An old car stands outside the gate. Mr Goon is vainly trying to start, it, when Mrs Goon appears. Mrs Goon: Well, what did I tell you about second-hand cars. They’re never any good. Mr Goon: No-o! I’m afraid we can’t go. The engine will not start. Mrs Goon: Of course it will start. Don’t be so ridiculous. Let me start it— There you are! (as the engine is started). Now get in everyone— O, do hurry up — it will be stopped in a minute. Here, where’s Jack? Jack! Jack! Where is that boy now (as Jack appears). Good gracious! What have you been doing? Jack: O —a—er I was j-just havin’ a piece of plum-puddin’. Mrs Goon: O, indeed were you. Well you just get in here and keep away from the pudding. Now we're right, start off Dad. Mr Goon: Now wait a minute —what did that man tell me to do first? Mrs Goon: Wo shall not keep this car a day longer. You just push that of course. % Mr Goon: No you don’t. Mrs Goon: Of course you do. Push it or I’ll push it myself. There you are, I told you that was what to do. Now do you know what to do next? Mr Goon: I—l think so. Mrs Goon: O you only think so do you. Well you had better hurry up and find out, (a long sigh). O dear my head does ache so. If it'was not for the noise of the car, I might have enjoyed this ride, the air is so cool and fresh. (After a long silence) Now, there you are Dad, what kind of sheep are those? Mr Goon: Well I call them very good sheep. But I can’t think of their name, if that’s what you want to know. I know it means sunshine and rain. Mrs Goon: You’re think of wethers—you don’t know anything. Mr Goon: Ar —yes. I guess that is their name. I could not think of it. Mrs Goon: No you never can think of anything. Jack: Mum, what happens to all the old cars? Mrs Goon: I don’t know 7 but as far as I can see your father buys them. Now, Dad turn the petrol off going down this hill. Why with the ten per cent, cut one must save every farthing. Mr Goon: I don’t call a farthing much. Mrs Goon: No, but when a number are saved they soon mount up. Mr Goon: Well, as you think a farthing is so much I will give you one to buy your next new. dress. Mrs Goon: (very angry) Thanks! It’s much more than you. spent on this car, and more than I usually get, too. Jack: But mum, I don’t get any. Mrs Goon: Boys who take plum-pudding don’t deserve any, so be quiet. Jack: (very softly) And women who growl so much don’t get new dresses. (Mrs Goon appears not to hear and so the conversation goes on). Mrs Goon: Well I think we had better turn now, and go home, it is getting rather late. Now do you know how to turn it. Mr Goon: No I don’t quite know. I think we had all better get out and turn it. Mrs Goon: Don’t sit mumbling to me. Get out, all of you and turn the old thing. I’ll send it back when I get home. Mr Goon: Indeed will you—who is boss here, me or you? Mrs Goon: Well it’s like this. If you get the black eye, I’m boss. Do you hear that. Jack: And if you both get black eyes, you’ll be like darkies and I’ll be boss. O’ here we are home—at last. Mrs Goon: At last (they all leave the car but Mrs Goon turns at the gate.) It was worth its farthing—l think we will keep it—after all. ( Mr Goon leaves with a contented smile). 2/6 and 3 marks to Cousin Hannah Skerrctt (13), Bahia,

Time: One bright summer’s morning. * * * * Gordon: “Oh Dad! why not have a trip in the car to-day. It is a lovely day for a trip to the beach and we all enjoy car riding.” (Dad consents and soon all are ' running round getting ready—Mother and Father, Elsie and Joyce and Frank and Gordon). « * * * Elsie: “Isn’t it lovely out in the car to-day?” Mum: “Yes we should really come oftener.” Joyce, the youngest: “Oh we will have a do’od time. I am doing to have a wade first thing.” Chorus: “So am I”; “I am too”; “So will I.” Mum: “Hush! hush! you are very noisy children.” ■.Elsie: “Oh we’ll be quiet, Mum.” Joyce: “Oh vere’s vat little girl who played with me at the beach vat day. She knows me betause she is waving.” Frank: “Here’s a big blue car coming; do try and beat it Dad?” Dad speeds up, but the other car is speeding up too. i Gordon: “Go faster fit ill Dad or it will beat us.” Frank: “No it won’(; it’ll not beat us.” Joyce: “Do it Dad” (she seems to be just as excited as the boys). Gordon: “Oh Dad do go quicker; it’ll beat us yet.” Mum: “And what’s the odds if.it does? We don’t want an accident just for the sake of beating a car.” She looked out of the window and gave a sigh of relief when she saw that the car had stopped at a house far back.

Gordon: “Oh, what a shame just as it was getting exciting too.” Joyce: “May. I have a sandwich, pleas-’, Mum, betause I am hungry?” Mum: “Oh, you can’t be hungry already, Joyce. You had breakfast just before you left.” Joyce: “But I am very hungry, Mum, please give me a sandwich.” Mum: "All right you may have one now, but remember no more till we get there. I suppose you others are hungry too; oh well, but you can all have one and I’ll put them away. Frank: “Look, dad, here comes a flock of sheep. You will have to slow down a bit.” Dad: Yes, I see them, you need not be afraid.” Cautiously Dad drove through the middle of them. Bump!! Elsie: “Oh, Dad, you’ve run over one.” Dad: “No, I haven’t, I only touched it with the engine.” Sheep scattered in ever} 7 direction. To right, to left, in front of the car and behind it but soon the car was left free to go on its way. Elsie: “I brought a book with me mum; may I read it?” Mum: “Yes you may read it.” » Elsie started to read it but she soon had to put it away again as there was too much talking. Gordon: "See that hill over there?” Mum: “Yes.” Gordon: “Well, that’s the hill which Frank and I climbed one afternoon when we were staying with the Joneses and that very green paddock over there is the one where we got a basket of mushrooms from.” Mum: “Did you really?” Dad: “This corner that we’re coming to now is a very dangerous one and many accidents have occurred there.” No sooner spoken than a car came tearing round. Dad swerved to the side and in doing so nearly knocks everybody out of their seats. Mum: “Oh I!” Elsie: “What a narrow squeak!” Joyce: “I was sure we would ‘do’ over the bank.” Soon with their talking and excitement it is quite forgotten. Elsie: “I did an essay for Cousin Betty’s page last week; do you think I shall get anything?” Mum: "I don’t know but if you don't, well never mind you can try again.” Joyce: "Look, I ’tan see the sea.” Gordon: “So can I.” Elsie: “I can too.” Frank: “Hurrah, hurrah, we shall soon be there.” Gordon: “How many more miles is it, Dad?” Dad: “Just one more mile.” Mum: “I thought it would have been much more than that.” Joyce: This is the first time I’ve been to the beach.” Mum: “And it won’t be the last either Joyce.” Chorus: “Hurrah!” “Hurrah!” Soon the car is driving up beside the sand and you can just imagine how excited they are and what a lovely time they had. They will be able to talk of nothing else but their trip for days afterwards. Mum says it was a thorough success and they would have to go oftener, to which all the children heartily agreed. —2 marks Io Cousin Daisy Dunlop, (12), Schoolhouse, Niagara. Characters: Farmer Rudd, Farmer Nixen, Mrs Rudd, Mrs Nixen, Bobby Rudd and Joan Nixen. All going to town for the day in an old Ford. * * * * Nixen: I don’t know what’s going to happen this winter. Rudd: The unemployed are in a bad way, for they can only get food, that’s all this Parliament can do. Nixen: Parliament is running short of money and so am I. Rudd: I put my wool in the Invercargill sale, but didn’t get much. Really and truly the country's in a bad way. Nixen: Me milking 16 cows and only getting £ll cheque. I’ll starve, that’s all. Bobby: Pity you didn’t. It wouldn’t do you harm. Rudd: If you don’t shut up there will be trouble. Nixen: The price of lambs is well under what it should be. I sold my lambs and only got 5d a pound. Rudd: You should be glad you got 5d and not 4d. Meanwhile, Mrs Rudd and Mrs Nixen are talking. Mrs Nixen: I got eleven chicks out of a dozen eggs the other day. Joan: You never, muni; you only got seven. Mrs Nixen: You be quiet. Mrs Rudd: How many eggs are you getting? Mrs Nixen: Thirty-two eggs from 40 hens. Joan: You never, mum, you only got 17. Mrs Nixen: Can’t you keep quiet. Mrs Rudd: Eggs are low in price, in fact very low. Mrs Nixen: Yes, very. Mrs Rudd: What are you feeding your fowls on? Mrs Nixen: Barley. , Mrs Rudd: No wonder your hens don t lay. That makes them fat. Mrs Nixen:. I tell you my hens lay 34 CE Mrs Rudd: I thought you said 32 a while Mrs Nixen: So I did, I forgot Mrs Rudd: "What do you feed your pigs on ? ■ Mrs Nixen : Sour milk. Mrs Rudd: So do I. You know that purple pansy I gave you. Did it do very well? Mrs Nixen : Yes, very. , . Joan: It never, mum, the pup scraped it up as soon as you planted it. ... Mrs Nixen: I told you to sit. quiet. Mrs Rudd: I have a lot of messages to flo, so I won’t see you till 5 o’clock tonight. Good-bye. Here the car stopped and the six got 2 marks to Cousin Ngaire Horrell (11), Mandeville.

THE FAMILY GOES MOTORING. Mother: “Now, then! We're off at last Be careful with the lunch-basket, children. Don't put your feet in it.” Big Brother: “Oh, I say! Make this kid close the window. The wind’s like ice!" Little Brother: “Aw, gee, it’s stuffy as anything! We’ll all suffocate.” Father: “Certainly! Leave the window open. Nothing like fresh air!” (Big Brother turns up -his coat collar, and leans back with the resigned air of a martyr.) Mother: “Oh, goodness me, I’ve forgotten the sugar! Stop! We’ll have to go back.” Father: "Good heavens, no! We can’t go back now. It can’t be helped, we’ll just have to do without it.” (He doesn't take sugar.) Little Brother: “It’s bad luck to turn back, anyhow. Bobby Wilkins told mo—.” Big Brother: “Shut up. We don't want to hear about that. Now be good enough to remove yotir elbow from my ribs!” Little Brother: “I can’t, there 3 no room. Four’s too many for this seat anyway. Move over there, can’t you?” Big Sister: “Oh, do stop pushing! Sit still for goodness sake. You’re getting my dress all crushed." Little Brother: “Well you park , your big feet somewhere else, then. They’re on mine tho whole time!” Father: “Be quiet, there, you two, and stop your everlasting bickering. We’ve heard just about enough from both of you.” . (Big Sister preserves a dignified silenceand Little Brother begins to whistle (defiantly, regardless of time and tune, accompanying himself with a violent drumming of heels.) Little Sister (who has been hanging out over the door): “Oh, Dad, stop! My hats gone. Dad! Stop, I tell you, I’ve lost my hat!" Dad slows down, growling. “Out with you and get it. Hurry up! We can’t wait al! day. I was getting ready to let her out on the straight here, too. Got it? Right! Don’t lose it. again.” Little Brother: “Can I steer for a while? Dad! Can I get in the front and steer? You know you said .’’ Father: "Sit down, sit down! No, you can’t to-day. Some other time .’’ He continues his conversation with Mother. “Well, as I was saying, the whole scheme is wrong. There'll be more unemployed Mother: “Look, baby! See the pretty balambs! Er, what wore you saying, dear?” Father: “I was just pointing out that that scheme is getting us nowhere—nowhere at all. By Jove, that fellow’s travelling! Dash it, now wer’e getting all his dust.” (Slows down and Little Brother becomes restive.) "Aw, go on, Dad, speed up and pass him! Gee I wish we were there; I’m getting hungry. Can I have a biscuit? Mum! I want a biscuit!” Father (sternly): “Now, then! What's that you’re saying?” Little Brother: “Well, please then!” Mother: "Yes, yes, child; have a biscuit and keep quiet. It’s not far to the beacli now.” Big Sister: “Oh, bother! You’re showering crumbs all over me. Why on earth can’t you wait like tho rest of us? You’re never happy unless you’re chewing!” Mother: “Hush, hush, children. Dear me, this piece of road is getting worse than ever. It’s disgraceful, the potholes that are in it.” Father: “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we’ve got a puncture. Feels that way. I think I'd better stop and see.” Little Sister: “Oh, yes, Dad, you must have a puncture. I knew that long ago. When I got out after my hat that time one back tyre was as Hat as anything!” Father: "What! Do you mean to tell me ” (He chokes, and tho rest of his remark is lost.) Big Brother (bitterly, as he heaves himself up): "Oh, you are a nice person to have along! Why couldn't you say it was Hat! Of all the little (Little Sister starts to cry, and Mother intervenes; “There, now. Leave the child alone. After all it won’t take long to change, and there’s only another half-mile. Come, now, we musn’t have this lovely drive spoilt with quarrelling. We’re all enjoying it so much!” Father (fervently, as he struggles with the tvre) : “We are!” . —2 marks to Cousin Katherine 0 Brien (10), Haldane, Tokanui R.D. Scene: A neat little home with a car standing at the roadside. Coming from the house the family of seven, Dad and Mother, Jack aged 17, Jean 15, Jeggy 12, Bessie fl, and Doris 4. » * » * Dad: “Now, all get seated while I fill up my pipe, and for goodness sake, sit still or next time you will all be left at home.” . Children in chorus: “Can I sit in front. Dad "There you go already. Mother will sit in front with Doris and me, the rest of you get in the back, and don t squabble.” Mother: “But don’t Doris annoy in front? You know what she is.” Dad: “Oh, no, she’ll bo. all right, won’t you Doris?” Doris: “Um-m.” (After a few arguments in the back seat, all settle down and Dad starts up. For a mile or two, little is said, till open country is reached. Doris stands up on the seat. Half a mile in silence (excepting for occasional remarks in back seat), then from Doris, "Me dwive, Daddy?” Dad: "Oh, you couldn’t drive, dear.” Mother: “Don’t bother Daddy, or you will get us all spilled out.” Jack: “Tommy Jones ran off the road yesterday and—” Mother: "Don’t talk about accidents, we might have one too.” Dad: “We won’t if you will all sit still and leave this end of the business-to me.” Mother, suddenly to Doris: “Oh, look at the bunny, dear?” Doris: “Where?” Leans towards Dad and jolts his arm. Dad: "Now, that's just how accidents happen, sit down on the seat, that’s a good girl.” (Two minutes later.) Mother (to Dad) : “Oh, look at the lovely creeper on that verandah, what is it?” Dad: “I never noticed it.” Mother: "Do go back and let’s have another look at it. It was lovely.” Dad: “Ob, we will look coming back.” Peggy (to Bessie, who has just guessed route of drive) : “See, smarty, you’re wrong, we are coming back this way.” Jean: “Oh, stop you two, you are always arguing.” Doris: “Me dwive now, Dad?’ Dad: “Not now, when you get older I’ll teach you to drive.” (Mother places Doris on the other side, where she promptly tries to open the door.) Mother: “Oh, dear, you are a trial, sit still and see all the pretty things.” Jack (as a car is met): “A Buick.” Jean: “No, it was a Dodge.” Dad: “Now be quiet, it was neither anyway.” Mother: “Oh, look, there’s some more of that creeper, do stop.” (Dad resignedly stops the car, amid a chorus of delighted “oh’s” from all except Jack, who is watching a passing car.) Jack: "That’s a nice car.” (No response.) Jean (referring to creeper) : “That would be lovely on our trellis fence.” Mother: “So it would, we must try to get some.” Dad: “Well, are we ready again?” Doris: “Me dwive now, dad?” Dad: "Some day, not to-day.” Jean (half a mile later): “Look at the mushrooms over there.” Dad (to Mother); “Would you like some?” Mother: “Oh, yes, if you don’t mind stopping.” Dad pulls up. Jean, Peggy, and Bessie jump up together. Jack: “Hey, clumsy, get off my foot.” Jean: “Well, let me out.” (Fifteen minutes later the girls return, laden with mushrooms.) Dad: “Now, no more stops, it is time we were making for home.” Jack (as another car approaches): “Here comes an Austin.” Jean: “No, it is a Morris.” Jack: “It’s an Aus—” Dad: “Stop squabbling.” (Having re-

filled his pipe Dad takes his seat.) Doris: “Me dwive now Dad, just a wee bit ?” Dad: “When we get home, you shall drive into the shed.” (Journey proceeds.) Dad (a little later): “I think we will turn here and do the round trip to home.” Bessie (to Peggy): “See, smarty, we’re not going back the same way." Peggy: “Oh, well, we're not —” Mother: “Do stop arguing children, you don't deserve to be taken out.” Jack: “I’m going to save up to get a two-seater of my own.” Dad: “If the taxes get any higher you won’t have any difficulty—till you get it.” Mother: “There are lots of better things you could save for.” Jean: “I would like one of those little baby cars.” Jack: “Oh, they’re no good, they won’t—” Dad: “Don’t start another argument.” Mother: “Here we are, nearly home, I’m sure you haven’t seen half the nice things. I’ve been very interested all the way.” (Car pulls up at home.) Doris: “Me dwive now, Dad?” (Dad takes her on his knee at the wheel and slowly drives into the shed. Doris is happy at last, and so ends a drive which everyone enjoyed in spite of all.) —2 marks to Cousin Connie Jellyman (13), Queen Street, Otautau.