SHAUN'S PATCH

Southland Times, Issue 19823, 20 March 1926, Page 13

SHAUN'S PATCH

Recent explosions suggest that the bakers are getting crusty. * i t ♦ According to the venerable Otago Daily Times, Mrs Gravatt, of Auckland, on St. Patrick’s night sang a neiv song by Moore “Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charmcrfi”—evidently some reference to the adored flapper. You will know the words : Believe me if all those endearing young charmers, Which I gaze on so fondly to-day. This song was probably written for Brigham Young. THE SAD LOVER. If she be unkind and frown, Should my heart then be cast down? If she show me glances scornful, Should my visage then be mournful? If to other men she turns, And my tenders lightly spurns, Should I let the hussy see That it all means pain to me? I can find a sweet relief From the rigour of my grief, For when my lady by me passes I can turn to other lasses. So should I weep when she’s unkind, When to my sorrow she is blind? Of course, I should’nt—that is true; But then I know I always do. lour true diplomat is the young fellow’ who said to her: “You are the most beautiful girl I have kissed.” She didn’t want to be the first after that. * * * * The powers at Geneva have found Brazil a hard nut to crack. * * * * Mrs McKillop, formerly ’of the British Food Ministry, declares that a man cannot be fed on less than 7/6 a week. That leaves a very small allowance for eatables. THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT ROADMAN It is the ancient roadman And he stoppeth one of three. “By thy worried face and anxious eye, Now wherefore stopp’st thou me? I’m just down here for a day or so To sell some bitumen, I’ve done the job, and so help me Bob, You come a buttin’ in.” He holds him with unyielding hand, “There was a road,” quoth he. “What ho! And such a road, my loon, That nowhere eke could be.” The roadman brushed a briny tear And said with husky sod “Can’t I just wring, some kindly thing From you about this job?” “And whe? you’ve spoke your little-piece I’ll see that with’out fail, As some great expert, all that’s sought, My friends yourself shall hail. A good south wind camp up behind To spread his boastful hollo; He thumped the drum to make them come, But nobody would follow. The trumpet blast in silence fell And he was most forlorn; A sadder but a wiser man He rose the morrow morn. The term “patient” must have risen when someone first detected the supreme qualities of those who sit in waiting rooms. **■:■# When the Sultan was asked by his wife if he loved her, he replied: “My dear, you arc a wife in a thousand.” And she was perfectly satisfied. * * « » When you break off an engagement with a girl she may. take it to heart, but it’s more serious if she takes it to Court. CARD EPITAPHS. Hero sleeps John Stevens, Let him snooze: He opened an ace pot With a pair of twos. Weep not for Algy Stackcmrite Who sleeps here, all his troubles o’er. He left us on that fateful night The fifth ace fell upon the floor. Pause for a moment just to shed A tear for Martha Bobles here dead She resteth here free from arduous labour In cheating through Beggar My Neighbour. MINE OWN PEPYS. SATURDAY, MARCH 13.--Up betimes this day and a great grief in my household in that there hath been a complete breakdown in the estate's wheelbarrow so that repair work must be undertaken in this complex machine. Mrs Shaun to declare it were simple and thereat to attack this duty manfully but lord it were a terrible business to saw timber so that it will fit at the proper angles. After so many attempts that I do determine I have produced a sufficiency of sawdust to meet the requirements of all the raspberry jam made since the introduction of modern factory methods, I to offer my son that he shall have two pennies more to spend at the Exhibition an- he to give proof of his skill in carpentry. After this to spend happier moments in the contemplation of my garden and the gardener within it. In the evening to drive apace searching for mushrooms but a sorry catch so that I do not recover my equanimity till later when at a friend’s house I to be fed on a health supper and given leave this being so to consume without limit. A merry business and one that did please me and so to bed in great' content.

Al ONDAY, MARCH 15.—Awake early this day and to the city, there to learn there hath been a scene of tremendous activity in the Bow Street quarters, the officers being all of a twitter and such a knocking and sweeping as hath not been seen these many moons and even the outstanding branches of the lonely tree nearby to be lopped back from the street line. A dusting of uniforms and even the windows cleansed with a mighty whirling of anus. On my interrogating an officer to discover the wherefore of these doings he to state but with bated breath and abjurgations that I do reveal nought, the new Commissioner do be coming on a visit and he to catch them by surprise with wondrous clean surrounds. This of a surety sufficient, to explain all, but I to contemplate the writing of a note to him in that with public conscience waking to the advantages of afforestation it were a great wrong to lop the lonely tree.

TUESDAY, MARCH 16.—This day mighty words in praise of our roads from a visitor who do be rushed to the scene and there reported by one with more commercial experience than journalism and the result some mighty fine publicity for the one who doth sell mixtures for roads, but nothing else to cause much interest in the City. This day much indignation in that it hath been reported from Christchurch the people there to consume sharks, and no such thing known here. Certain boosters to declare it were well that public meetings be called and the Reform Govt. trounced in that tourists have not been .informed that Southland may consume sharks an it so will with as much gusto as any other people. Ange Pasco to say the shark “is very like a whale,’’ and that if the Christchurch folk do wish to do these things they should not boast about it.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 17.—Up early on hearing that my daughter do yell most vociferously and so that no more sleep may be had in my home*. On rising that I may learn what may be the explanation of these outcries it were explained by her she hath heard my singing in my bath and as she hath been bathing it did behove her to do likewise that the ceremonial may be complete. Mrs Shaun to declare an it did wake me from my slumbers it did reveal how closely my daughter did imitate mine own singing, but in this I do be sure the woman doth exaggerate and being only eager that I shall rise. This day to hear a strange story concerning ex-Councillor Alex Glass. It appearet.fi that a plum tree at his dwelling to have been nearly entirely robbed of its fruit by boys of the district and that he hath constructed a hoodah in an adjoining tree whore he do settle o’ nights armed with a gun and many barbed wire entanglements around his fence. My informant to tell me that all this be a gigantic bluff and warning me to make no mention in my diary, to explain 'that the hoodah be but a retiring place where the genial Alexander do climb up to meditate and to study his part for the St. Andrew’s Scottish Society debate this coming Friday 26th. A crafty business which on my mentioning to my physician (an interested party) ho to recite to me one verse of Humpty Dumpty; all to my great wonderment and to further puzzle me as to how these Scottishnien do love each the other.

THURSDAY, MARCH 18.—This day persuaded to go to the bowling green by certain factions, who did bid me keep their identity a close secret, and there to find a joust arranged in the which I do be again partnered by the tavernkeeper, Forbes, and he in mighty fine form until half-way through the game and I relying on him, since the green hath been changed and the bowls I did have not to leave my hand as comfortably as heretofore, when he did permit our opponents to raise a score of eight. This to put me on my mettle and despite all handicaps to acquit myself mightily so that we do be only the eight, which my partner did lose for us, to the bad when the day did end. This play do so decide me that an my forebears do raise no objections at my next sitting with the planchette I shall think seriously of partaking in this game when the season do come again.

FRIDAY, MARCH 19.—This day roused and to my garden where I did admire certain mustard and cress, the which shall furnish us with ingredients for a salad in a few days. Later to with such pain as I have not felt these many months, the gardener has thinned them so the plants do be very scarce and we now must wait until they do spread once more. And so to the City and to meet J. W. Smith. He mightily peeved with the Chief in that he hath received no special invitation to the grand debate. The subject “that the St. Andrew’s Scottish Society should take over the functions of the Town Council” to greatly intrigue him and that he hath a proposal an St. Andrews be defeated,, that all municipal affairs to be managed by the House of H. and J. He to enthuse much and to prophesy efficiency and better senice and special discount of 30 per centum on all rates owing by Scottish folk and Salmo Salar (and of his own catching) to follow the soup at all Town Council banquets. Upon my mentioning to him that Mrs Shaun did rejoice greatly over the last Salmo Salar which he did gift us and that we have had none for over a week, he to say that I be the very devil for looking after the number one. To leave him hurriedly and quite unfitted for preparation for my Sunday School class this coming Lord’s Day and to resolve to ponder deeply how I may punish him for this his indiscretion.