Shaun’s Patch.

Southland Times, Issue 19276, 21 June 1924, Page 9 (Supplement)

Shaun’s Patch.

‘‘A Little Nonsense Now and Then.”—Hudibras.

The Imperial Parliament’s preference is not for Imperial Preference. ***** A clean sweep: Smuts wiped out. During the week the Mataura Ensign complained that some people spoke of Gore as being on the borders cf Otago. This evidently is incorrect, because the Ensign on its front page declares it is published in “Gore, Otago.” ***** A correspondent writes to suggest I must counsel the editor to avoid scare headlines in frosty weather: “I struggled out of bed on Tuesday,” he says, “and in the Times saw the following: FLIGHT TO THE POLE. Quite so, quite so! But think of the compensating joy when one discovers that one can stay here! POPULAR FICTION. The Referee’s decisions gave universal satisfaction. The Great War ended in 1918. The Great War ended. “Farmers declare they are satisfied with the high prices ruling.” “You sing that very nicely.” Politicians’ promises. In this age of restrictions and registration, even when a man goes to the dogs he requires license. A Frenchman reproached his wife with taking snuff and she shot him dead. If ever a man was snuffed out it was this one. I can imagine the conversation at the breakfast table going: Hubby: My dear, you are taking too much snuff. Wife: That’s ’nough. Hubby: My precious, I think it is too much. Wife: Snuff said. Hubby: No it is not enough. Wife: But you said just now it was too much. Hubby : I said that snuff was too much which means that snuff’s ’nough, and when you said snuff said I wanted to make it clear that I had not said ’s nough about snuff, but you get so snuffy when I say ’s nough snuff .... And so she had to shoot him. THE DAYS OF CHIVALRY. O why have the chivalrous ages gone When knights in armour rode? And why are the suits of polished iron No longer a la mode? The maiden of beauty who’s in distress May cry for a man all day, But if one happens al ng he’ll pass And look the other way. The explanation is easily got Of why those customs died ’Twas when knight errantry case to wear Their suits of mail with pride. And when was it that revulsion came And knightly deeds low laid? * It came when the Christian boys went forth Upon the first crusade.

The Moslem leaders their danger saw And dreaded the chivalry, Of these brave knights till they bethought Them of the humble flea. Armed cap-a-pie the Crusaders swept On sacred Palestine, With lance at charge and visors tight Seeking the Heathen line. Then fell the night and the Crusade men Upon their pellets slept, But when in the morn they armed again They cursed and groaned and wept. For lo! beneath all the armoured duds The flea had found his way, And those who came to prey on the Turk Became themselves a prey. The Saracen laughed as he saw the line Of Christian pennons tossed, When knights were wriggling, and he said: “Ah, now they’re double-crossed.” Against this foe that assailed the force Our chivalry found its match, And armour went out of fashion because The knights were unable to scratch. FABLES IN SOUTHLAND. Of The Young Man Whose Fowls Started Laying. In the Good Days, my little ones, there was a Young Man who kept fowls in the Front End of his married life and he was Keenly Interested in them. For a Long Times the leghorns Bore No Fruit and he Kept On Hoping Against Hope and went every day To See if they had started. One morning his Heart Was Filled With Joy by the sight, of an Egg on the floor of the hencoop and he Rushed in to Tell the Wife as well as some of the Neighbours that the Hens had Come Into Profit at last and in the Depth of Winter, too. He explained that it was a Small Egg because it was the first, but He Knew that when they Got Into their Stride the Results would make people Sit Up. As a Mark of his Appreciation, he put a nice Nest in the Fowlery and this was Greeted with eggs on the two Succeeding Days, while he told the Wife that New Laid Eggs were greatly Superior to the bought ones. Finally on the Sunday he went and to his Astonishment he discovered the Matutinal Egg laid in a Miniature Wheelbarrow. He was about to Tinkle the Museum about this Phenomenon when he recalled His Own Sad Fate during the building of the Henhouse and he discreetly Lapsed into Silence. Moral: A Bantam egg in the fowlhouse should not be laid at the door of a leghorn.

In the Socialist Cabinet* in Denmark the Minister of Education is a woman, Madame Bang. Discipline in the Danish schools will doubtless improve under such a ruler. • • • • • As a man of sound Prohibition principles, I find something depraved in the fact that I can only enjoy a gherkin when he’s pickled. * * • • • There used to be an idea that matrimony was a game of chance; but it is now accepted as a game of skill. The way we live nowadays suggests forcibly that it’s the pace that skills. MINE OWN PEPYS. June 14.—Up and to my garden where I did inspect the growing weeds and did sigh that I perforce must stop by digging in that the ringing of my spade on the frozen soil be discordant in my musical ear. Mrs Shaun to declare that, it a pity I be not attuned with work. To the Rugby Park where there was a busy jousting between the Pirates and the Star, the which did cause much lusty cheering and hearty knocking so that I be pleasured that lam not of the turmoil. Victory resting with the Star I did assure Mrs Shaun that this be caused by their dieting which did show in the latter end when all men were sadly blown. To the city and to learn that there be a gymnasium forming to reduce the importance of prominent men, but on Mrs Shaun advising me to attend I to say that it will assuredly interfere with my gardening, for which God forefend that I overlook, an elusive remark on which I do pride myself. June 16. —Abroad with lethargy it being cold with the frost and I to shiver as with the ague as I do robe myself and draw onwards my socks, also that I do jump as my daughter patteth my neck what time I fasten the strings of my footgear. Mrs Shaun to declare with a sweetness I do muchly suspect of hidden meanings that my top notes be clear and penetrating in the morning air. Ito the city and there to meet with one who assureth me that there be mighty rumpusses in certain football clubs in that some stalwarts attend not the rehearsals. On this I do meditate that in my day there be much practising and better jousting in the field; therefore do I think upon a letter for my friend the Rugby Union president that improve matters by ukase under his hand and seal. June 17.—T0 the city where I meet the Chief, he to say that I must be with the St. Andrew’s Society come this next Tuesday when one T. R. Fleming is to lecture on “The Growth of Scottish Spirit.” With dark meaning the Chief to say there will be evidence of the Scottish spirit in this meeting and that so I come I may acquire somewhat of it. Also that failing my attendance as solo piper, he hath engaged sturdy men from the Browns Celtic Society who will act for me in a programme of national music. Ito explain that my kilt be still at Wembley for the edification of the Empire and I may not attend in other garb to my great sorrow in that my calves be right worthy, and in good shape. June 18. —This day I did rise with unwilling grace and to note that the frost be again abroad, so that I build a rosy blaze for Mrs Shaun’s warming and to guard it right worthily with replen ishings and other implements. Comes there to me a deputation on that I will be the leader elect of the Young New Zealand Party which hath been formed by William Stevenson, a Caledonian stem and wild, but I to explain my age being yet under fifty it be impossible for me to be eligible. They to depart saying I am not timbre for politics, though Mrs Shaun do say my head be what they want. A strange saying the meaning of which I did not catch. June 19.—Came to me this day a citizen of generous bulk who did inform me that officials of His Majesty’s Government be busy searching that they may find men who sell petrol without license so to do and that they see near ' to the Esk Street his collection tins which like a worthy householder he hath put by for use as rubbish tins, boilers, scuttles and the like. These officials to compel him to open a shed and to accuse him of selling this petrol in that he hath so many tins. He to tell me that maybe there be search made for the great shipment of petrol which my lord Wilford did import cheaply tohis own glory and the undoing of the merchants. But on this lam doubtful in that milord’s expertness in gas did secure him concessions. June 20. —This day was the Tay Street convulsed by the spectacle iff a drake and two ducks parading the thoroughfare and even crossing between tram way posts to the concern of Inspector Murdoch. On my asking Gordon Brown what breed be these poultry, he so say he knoweth not of ducks and drakes, but he be acquainted with the Doric and there be coming to this town next Friday one J. C. Newlands frae Edinburgh who be a wonderous talker, and that I make ducks and drakes and of my chance an I do not hear him. Ito declare with a neat wit that sithen he be no quack I will hearken and so with this resolve to my accompts which do show that by stinting of Mrs Shaun’s next hat I may afford this treat. Thus to bed and with content.