THE CONTRIBUTOR

Southern Cross, Volume 24, Issue 2, 15 April 1916, Page 5

THE CONTRIBUTOR

BEAR MR EDITOR Sure,, 'twas the great sell. Katie got on'Widnesday lasht whin she came in from a shoppin' expedition. "Denis," ses she, "ye needn't . say annythihg more about slackers in Tnvercargill. Ye nivir saw. the like av the exciteniint there is in Dee shteeet. On the wan side there's vehicles av iviry kind excipt Charlie Redding's-jauntm' car -an' the municipal waterin' cart, an' on the other there's a fleet av motor cars, an' the paple- are jumpin.' into wan { or the- i other as fasht as they can, an' aff they go round to the. town hall In Tay shtreet to be sworn in. A lot av thim -have, little books in their hands,' an' I heard wan chap sayin' somethin' about shpottin' the winners—l suppose he .manes the ' wans who are lucky enough t« be accepted." * *

* . Well, ye cud have knocked Katie down wid a quill pen whin I towld her it was a racih' an' "not a recruitin' fever that was reshponsible for the rush out to the East Road racecourse. "Well," ses she, "if that is the case it is a downright shame to ,be afther lettin' married min go to the war, for I saw any number av able-bodied young chaps jumpin' aff the. thrains an' makin' for the nearest v waggonettes or motor cars 1 — fine upshtandin young min wid nivir a care in the world.

* "Well," ses Bedalia. " 'tis a cruel shame to see young' fellows tearin' aff to the races, whin good • ould Britain's havin' the light av her life for iviry thing that makes life worth livin. I hope conscription'll soon be in force an' bring eligible young fellows to a sinse av their duty." "They'll 1 not escape that," ses I—"they'll be caught like the 'man in 'Glasgow. He was summoned an" charged with bein' found on licensed premises durin'j business hours. Accordin' to the police he had given ■a. wrong- name an' address, but they had been successful in discoverin' his whereabouts. The defince was somewhat ingeni'ous an' shmartly conducted up to a certain point. "It is a pure case of mistaken identity," ses defendant's solicitor. ."I have here a photograph of the man wanted by the police. My client was not in the house in question at all that day, as you'll,admit." "That's it," interrupted the def'mdant, "they mistook the other fellow for me.". « *

* There was a moment's silence, after which the magistrate suddenly axed : "When the sergeant-found you wlith the glass in front of you, why did you , not explain that you were not the man wanted?". "I did," blurted out the defindant ; "but the officer laughed." So did the coort.

Corney ses he was. surprised at the number av farmers who were in for the races. But he ses that some av thi/m, although on pleasure bent, were like John Gilpin—they had a frugal mind. They tuk out drivers' licenses for the races, an' plied for hire along wid the ordinary practitioners. "Sure,", ses Katie, " petrol's so dear now that hardly blame the poor craythurs." "Well," ses Bedalia, '"'l'm think in' the regular dhriivers 'ud take that kind av poa.chin/i very badly—they'd in' like Pat Murphy. He was in lodgin's, an' was greatly i annoyed by the landlady hilpin' hersilf to his provisions. She began by takin' a pliece av his butter, an' whin Pat came home she said : "Pat, .I'm,taking a. little'-of your butter; but I'm not like other landladies —I'm telling you. 2vext day it was an egg an' so on. Iviry day there was somethin' taken, an", put aft' wid the remark, "I'm not like other landladies—l'm telling you." Of course there was never any reduction in Pat's i bill. Wan Saturday his bill came to a'larger ,amount than usual. Pat lukt at it, bundled up a few things in a handkerchief, walked to the door, an', said, "Landlady, I'm sloping. I'm not like .other lodgers— T'm • telling you."

-, ■• • * ' , I lyirvibody talks in explosives an •

DENES DISCOURSES.

thinks in explosives,, an' acts in explosives, now that the war is on, an' it's shmall wonder that the Governmiht officials are turnin' their attrition to- fire extinguishers. A few days ago wan av the local officials got an idea that the chemical fire extinguishers had got the dhry rot, or some other aiqually nashty complaint, an' he forthwith axed for a demonstration. It was duly hild, an' upon me word the extinguishers .worked like magic, an' put out the imaginary fire long, before it shtarted. The force wid which the chemical got a move on nearly knocked ould Bill Clark down, but he promptly Put his rut on the neck av the animal, an' to see him ye wud have thought'he had the job av the Kaiser's chest —at leasht that is what wan av the chaps towld me. Howivir, I'm sure Bill won't get wild at me for takin' a rise out av him,"for he's got a great heart. I nivir knew a betther workman, for the gardens around the Governmint buildin's are really nicely kept, an' if the Corporation had a few more min like Bill there'd be more beauty shpots in an' around this part av the world.

"Yes, Bill's all right," ses Corney, "but ye mushtn't thry him . too much or he'll- be like the skipper who ran a shmall steamer lip an' down the' Clyde. Wan day, at low tide, he managed to get his vessel on a mud-bank, an; afther he had exhausted his entire vocabulary ( in describin' the Clyde, his errin' shteamer an his shtill more to be condemned crew, he gloomily leaned over the side waitin' for the tide to rise. Very soon he saw approachin' the river a. girl carryin' a bucket. It was evident she was comin' down to git some wather,' an' . the skipper's wrath broke out afresh. Leanin' over the side an' shaken' his fisht at her, he gave her this fair warnlm'— "My lassie, if ye tak' yin drap o' watter oot here -till I get afloat I'll .warm yer ear for't !"

« Here's a little bit av a problem for your readers, Mr Editor : If the Wallace town Presbyterian Church was shtarted in April, 1866, was it fifty years old this month,, or only 49 years av age ? All the shpeakers but wan said it was 50 years old, but wan minishter hild out for 49 years, an' I'm not sure that .he's not right. I .was sorry that I mintioned the matther, Mr Editor, for in less than no time the family circle 'was like a house divided against itsilf, wan arguin' wan way, an another another, till at lasht" I got fairly bamboozled, like the bhoy's father : The son av a merchant. leaned aginst Ms father's knee an' innocently axed : \ '".Daddy, is to-day to-mor-row ?"• "Xo my son, of course today isn't to-morrow," ses his father. "But you said it was," continued his son. "When did I ever say to-day Mas to-morrow?" "Yesterday," ses the son. "Well, it. was ; to-day was to-morrow yesterday, but to-day is to-day to-day, just as yesterday was to-day yesterday, but is yesterday to-day, and to-morrow will be to-day to-morrow, which makes to-day, yesterday and to-morrow all at once. Now run away and play," an' the father collapsed into his chair wid a sigh av relief.

We hear a lot nowadays about G-er-man thoroughness, Jmt there's a man livin' somewhere about Garston, Southland's comin' great applegrowin' centre, that can give thim points. Ye see, he wint down to a sale at Eumsden an' had a spraypump knocked down to him. Thin he bought a tin av red oil or • somethijn' aiqually as good for killin all the diseases that attack apple trees.'

'' » * ■ ■. * . Wan fine mornin' he wint into, the garden, an'. set to work on wan av his apple trees. ITe nivir shtopped until he had shpyayed the whole tinful av shtuff over its devoted branches. .Whin his betther halfi, who's a sinsible kind av a woman, heard av it, she threw . up. her hands in horror, an' ses she—" Why,, man" alive, a tin should cto all "the trees,in the ' gar-

den. .You should have used so many J gallons of water to so ,many pints of J oil- You've spoilt our best tree." j

"Well, ye can imagine the surprise av all parties whin the tree yielded betther ] than ivir, an' such apples as they were, too —for size, an' colour, an' r cleanness ' ye didn't find their aiquals. "Well," ses .Katie, "all's well that inds well., The man's mistake is like the rows in Smith's house. 'There's another row at the Smiths',' ses Jones as he sauntered into the readin' room av the little counthry institute. ' I heard them at it as I passed the house just now.' 'ls there, really?. Why,, it seems as if there's always some fun going on at the Smiths',' ses wan av the company, wid a laff. ' Fun ! I shouldn't think there i was much fun in such" disgraceful' family disturbances,' ses a sturdy old vetei'an' in a corrective tane. "Well, .1 daresay it's not go very bad after all,' ses the other, who had had his share av matrimonial strife. ' You see, when the wife gets into her tantrums, she always throws a plate or a brush or it may be two or three at .Toe's head. If she hits him she's glad ; and if she misses him, he's glad, so, you see, there's always some pleasure on one side or the other." DENIS.