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The Contributor

DENIS DISCOURSES, Deai - Mr Editor, —Mr Edison's, been telfin’ somcwan that the days av the horse are numbered, but begorra if he ivir conics to New Zealand we’ll show him a horse that had to come to the rescue av a motor car. This is the way a correspondent in the Merton Miains district relates the shtory : —“Dear Denis, —Man, alive ! the roads at Hunter’s Bush beat creation ! Would you believe that it beat a De Dion motor car—the one that carries no tools —to get along ? Bcdad, the whole neighbourhood was out to try and help the poor beast to get along. Well, with the aid of Tom and Bill and half of a gate it was 'got out of a hole, but alas ! only to get into worse difficulties. Some of the bystanders (horsey men) wanted to give the thing a lead, when out spoke the cha-uffeur—T’ll not put a moke into it —not that it may not be the quickest way, but on principle—motor cars can run without horses,” and Denis, he would have kept talking- yet but for having to keep egging poor Mack, the auctioneer chap, to push behind. After poor Mack got winded all hope was lost, but the staunch horse Punch being near the wool shed, he was brought along. Man, you could see how- delighted the old follow' waste see the modern horse stuck. Says he to himself—‘ I’ll show the De Dion that I am for once master of the situation,’ and with a huge endeavour he put the thing in motion again—what the ten-horse engine could not do. Strange to say, the old horse has, since then, been in great glee, and whenever he sees a motor car, off he goes over to it, and if its a De Dion he backs-in. He seems to know he’s wanted.” 4- 4-

“'There's intilligence for ye. now, Katie.” ses I, aft her radin’ the epistle. ‘‘Yea.” ses she, "he's a. sinsible beast and no mistake, Denis. He'd be a valuable animal to have. "He would that,”’ ses T. ‘'He’d be worth a grate dale more than the wans a dealer had. He sowld three poor, worn-out animals to a customer for £1 each. 'Noo,’ said the purchaser, ‘ f maun hae a lucky penny, for this is the first business I hae done wi’ ye.’ 'Xa. na,’ replied the dealer, ‘business is business. Ye’ve got. yer beasts an’ I’ve got the money. 1 never gr’e lucky pennies.’ 'Ah. hut i 'maun han't,’ the customer persisted. Something wad sure tae gang wrung if I didna get a lucky penny on: the first bit o’ business.’ ‘Weel, I'll toll ye whit I’ll dao,’ ses the dealer, ' i’ll no gi’e yo ony money back, but I’ll gi'o ye anither horse into the' bargain,’ 4- 4- 4- 4Talkin’ av animals,” ses (,'orncy, “your ould frind Peter Patrick McKay, out Ilakahouka way, is in a grate shtate over four bullocks' that ■he's losht, includin’ a big blue wan. lie's wore out two hacks lutin’ for thim. an’ if he sees the sign av a cow widin miles he’s ah' like a shot from a gun. He says that by the time he’s done hikin’ for thim he’ll be able to crack the. stock-whip wid Saltbrush Bill av Queensland.” ” 1, suppose he’s makin’ a hobby av the business,” ses I. "Yes,” sea Corney, ’’Hike the man that the parish clerk towld the lady about. He was showin’ her round the churchyard, an’ pointed out the restiir’-place av Thomas ’Ooper an’ ’is eleven wives'. Kloven ! ’ ses the lady, ' dear me, that’s rather a lot, isn’t it ?’ The old man replied, ‘ Well, yer see, inarm, it were an ’obby of is’n !’ ” 4- 4" 4" 4" '"Well.” ses Bedalia, "it’s not a far cry from bullocks to lambs, an’ that reminds me that whin I was out at the Horne .Farm concert, the other night ivirywan was talkin’ about the pet land) than sornewan has sint to Mrs McKay, av the .function Hotel, ’they’re goin’ to give it the name av Con., although some paple think that Corney ’ud be better.” Drovers an’ stock-dealers are cornin’ from all directions to Ink at it because it has four legs, an’ the usual number av eyes, an’ wan head. Iviry precaution is bein’ taken to bring it up properly, an’ it lives on wine biscuits from Mr Cooper’s shtore. "I suppose, it’ll be able to take a nip wid the besht av thim," ses Katie. “No,” sea I, "it’s like the Scotch beadle. Ye see a wellknown Scotch architect was travelling in Palestine whin news reached him av an addition to his family circle. The happy father immediately provided him si If wid some wather from the Jordan to carry home for the christenin’ av the infant, an’ returned to Scotland. On the Sunday appointed for the ceremony he duly

presinted himsilf at the church, an’ sought out the beadle in order to hand over the precious wather- to his care. He pulled the flask from his pocket, but the beadle hi Id up a warnin’ hand, an’ came nearer to whisper : ‘No the noo, sir,’ he said, ’ no the noo. Maybe adder the kirk’s oot.’ ” 4- 4* 4* 4"'Well,” ses I, "I hope the lamb’ll soon grow up, for if he doesn’t he’ll live to a green ould ago, for i.virybody'll be vegetarians soon.” "Yes,” ses Bedalia. ’'We’ll all be like Mary’s sweetheart. Tie wasn’t, altogether acceptable to her parents, an’ She got mann.y quiet hints as to givin' him his 'dismissal. These hints, howavir, wint unheeded, an’ at lingth. her lather Ink the bull by the horns an’’ shpoke out quite plainly on I he subject. ’ Look here. Mary, 1 don’t like that, young ('How coming here so much. Next time ho Pays a visit just give him, the cold shoulder..’ Mary shmiled, showed 'her teeth prettily, laid her hand coaxingly on her father’s arm, an’ ses she —’ But, papa, what good would that do ? He's a vegetarian.’ 4* 4” 4* Katie ses it's wonderful how ivirybody turns to poor ould Britain whin they’re in throuble. "There's the Kaiser,” ses she. "He’s got a bad cowid. an’ he's worried out av his life wid the scandals that haw been takin’ place at Berlin, an' Ire's go in’ to see Uncle .Edward at Windsor Castle, an’ thin go to the Isle av Wight for a resht.” "Yes,” ses I, "ivirywan abuses the ould land, but its the lirsht place they luk to whin they get into difficulties,” " I am glad,” ses I, "that Prince Eulynburg, who’s supposed to be the cause .av all the mischief, is not gain' there . ” Where is he go in’,” ses Katie. "To Egypt,” ses I. "I’m sorry,” ses Katie. "So am 1, Katie —sorry for Egypt !” 4 > 4- 4- 4Ivirybody’s talkin’ about Socialism an’ the cosht av livin’, an’ I can’t do betther than till ye about an interview that a Chrictchurch reporter had wid Mr Ben Tillett the other day. Ses he :—" Mr Ben Tillett passed through Christchurch on his way South. According to a very unconventional interviewer who had a chat with him on behalf of Christchurch ’Truth,’ he was wearing the white waistcoat of a blameless life, and was further adorned by <a neat fob chain, and lingered the plump cigar of pleasing circuinstances with the air of a connoisseur. ' I am right, but I have lost my bag,’ he said. ‘ Perhaps someone thought ho needed it more than you,’ ventured the reporter consolingly. ‘lsn’t that the application of practical Socialism ?’ ‘No,’ retorted Mr Tillett, 'disgustedly. ‘That’s not Socialism. — that’s capitalism ; take everything a.nd leave you nothing.’' 4- 4- 4- 4“ "He was asked what improvements ho noticed in New Zealand since he was here ten years ago. ‘Well/ he said, ‘ 1 see palatial buildings everywhere, warehouses, shops, and pub-Jic-houses, but the worker still has to live in his miserable little house, and his' condition is not much improved. The worker is tired, more t irod than when I was here before. There ds not the same interest in the

I Labour organisations ; no cohesion, no agreement upon ideals and aspiri ations. Everybody tells the New Zealand worker he is well off, and ho is too tired to think it out for himself. I would like to see the Labour movements in Now Zealand organised on an economic basis. I don’t believe any real political fight on sound lines will ever be made by the workers in New Zealand until the practicability of Socialism is thoroughly realised. I foresee that in four or live years your freehold jtallies will be very strong backed as they are by the press, the squatters and the vested interests., I can only see that, prevented by a more intense application of trade unionism and better organisation. The Labour party is the only one that can save the freehold to the State.’ The present ruling political party, ho added, was good enough for the workers on their present plane of thought, but they would have to deniantl more to benefit themselves to any material extent. ‘But what do tile workers want ?' ‘ What do they want ? They want the earth, that’s all-’ ” •4* “He’s got a poor opinion av the New Zealand workin’ man. " ses Katie. "iTe has,” ses I. "an’ if he goes on talkin' like that he’ll make the workin" man as restless as the on Id Scotchman. ‘ Eh, Saunders, mon," ,ses a neighbour, peepin’ in at the open door, attracted by the sounds av woe which came from the Preside, ‘what’s ailin’ ye ?’ ‘ Oh. dear—Oh dear !’ sobbed Saunders, wid evident sorrow, ‘Donald Macintosh's wife is dead,’ ‘Aweel,’ ses the neighbour, ‘what o’ that ? She is nae relation o' yours, ye ken.’ 1 know she's not,’ wailed Saunders, T know she’s not, but it just seems as if everybody's getting a change but me.' DENIS.

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The Contributor, Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 29, 9 November 1907

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The Contributor Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 29, 9 November 1907

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