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The Contributor

DENIS DISCOURSES., Dear Mr Editor, —I don’t know whether Ginoral Booth, wid his plans for hilpin’ ivirywan that's needy or sick, has, annything to do wid it or not, but paple seem to be takin’ a greater interest in ache other’s welfare than ivir before. ‘ “How do ye make that out, Denis ?” ses Katie. “Why,” ses I, “luk at the Japanese. See how they are hilpin’ the Chinese to learn drill an’ other things, although at wan time they used to have notices on some places av entertaimnint to this effect —‘ Dogs a n ’ Chinamin not admitted.’ ” “What a howl there’d, be,” ses Corney, “if the British or Americans did annything like that !” ‘‘There wud,” ses I, “but we go wan betther, Corney, for we lit thim in if they pay a thrifle av a hundred pounds or so in the shape av a poll-tax.” “It takes an Irishman to get something for nothing,” ses Bedalia, “as the followin’ will show ; —An Irishman who had shtanted photography wint into a shop to purchase a shmall bottle in which to mix some av his ! solutions. Seem’ wan he wanted, he axed how much it ’ud be. ‘Well,’ ses the chemist, ‘it will be twopence as it is, but if you want anything in it I won’t charge you for the bottle,’ ‘Faith,’ ses Pat, ‘thin put a cork in it.’ ” 4But to come back to where I started, Mr Editor, somewan called Raff has been wri'tin’ to the Gore papers about formin’ a new society to be called “The- Ticketed Fraternity.” I behave it’ll be a big success, for there’s no subscription to pay. This is what the chap ses about it : —“We take for our motto ‘ Everybody’s Friend.’ And we take a piece of black ribbon at least half an inch wide and whatever length is necessary, and have our name worked on it in white, cream, or silver letters in clearest Roman characters, each letter at least a quarter of an inch high. Then we sow, or otherwise attach this badge in such a position on our breast that everybody can read it quite easily. Thus there will be no ice to be broken, nor introduction to be made, among the “Ticketed Fraternity,” for whenever the badge is seen we will know that the wearer is “Everybody’s Friend.” Do you think you will run certain risks by doing this ? Then, are you not prepared to run any risk for the sake of your brother man ? For shame ! Ret us not be so selfish. Just ticket yourself. and be “ Everybody’s Friend.” There is no secretary, and no constitution at all, for neither is necessary. But I call on every true man to join this “Ticketed Fraternity,” and to urge everybody else to join it. I am wearing the badge, and hope to extend the light hand of fellowship to many hundreds of thousands who will do likewise.”

Well, I thought that was a good notion, an’ I mintionod it to me old frind Mr W. Todd. He laffecl, an’ sea he—“ Denis, I don’t think I’ll bother with a badge. Haven’t I been everybody’s friend all my life, and! will be to the end of the chapter ? Why, even now,” ses he, “I’m trying to give the whole of Southland a big lift in the shape of the development of the Preservation goldfields. It is uphill work, Denis, but I believe it will come all right in the end.” “It will.” ses I. “Ye’ve got pluck an’ brains, an’ all ye want is luck,” “Thank you, Denis,” ses he, “ but I’m not sure of the luck part of it—the following lines are more to my liking : For many years he struggled ’gainst A fate that was adverse ; Howe’er he tried to better things They went from bad to worse. He never went into a deal But he was surely stuck. And day and night he railed against His beastly, wretched luck. But suddenly there came a change— One day by Fortune's whim A mining stock he’d sank cash in, A million yielded him ; ‘And ever since he’s prospered, and Has added to his gains. And now he says luck is a myth. The thing that wins is brains. It may and it may be not That Chance determines things, But it is truth that Circumstance •Alters the tune one sings ; He who succeeds is certain that It’s due to brains and pluck, .While he who fails attributes it To his infernal luck. 4- 4- 4- 4 : “Well,” ses Katie, Mr Loughnan, av the legislative Council, doesn’t belavc in the universal frindship idea.

for this is what he said whin the Militia Act was under discussion : The Militia Act tells us that it has divided us into companies, battalions and brigades, and given us our commanders, and lately we were notified that in the hour of need every man. according to his age and class, must come out. And what will be the result if there is no training ? The result will be that the wholesomeness and the beauty of dying will be about the only thing that will come to these poor people who obey the call. They will be called out in the hour of need simply to 'die—simply to lie butchered. (An hon. member : They might run away). The Hon. Mr Loughnan : The people of the country will never run away. The manhood of the country will face the enemy anywhere. I am surprised that a member of this Council should say, even in a jocular way, that any man of our race might not stand up against the enemv." 4> 4- 4> 4> “Yes,” ses Corney, "an’ Mr Wi Pere towld the council that it made the other nations mouths wather whin they lukt at New Zealand, wid its great resources, and ses he ; “There are in New Zealand to-day nearly fifty thousand Maoris of all ages. I suggest that both Maori women and men be taught the use of firearms. The Maori woman can prove herself to be a heroine— always. In the days of the wars she played a most important part in action. and they used to beat the men. I think it would be a good thing' if the white women went forth also. What are the men of the country doing ? They arc nursing and coddling the white women, and making’ them more delicate and frail every year. If they were to build them up to bo thoroughly robust in health, so that they may bo able to shoot a. man if they wanted to, it would be very liandv,’4- 4- 4> 4“W’ell," ses I, “if Corney Is ivir called out to fight I’ll be a ft her doin’ the same as the ouid woman that had a son wid a rigimint bound for South Africa. ,The colonel was at his posbi watchin' the men boardin' the ship. As wan av thim shtepped on the gangway, his mother, an Irishwoman, clutched him an’ pulled him to her bosom. Wid intense emotion she cried an’ crooned over him, an’ thin she saw the colonel. 'Darby, me bhoy,’ she exclaimed, ‘stick close to the colonel, an’ ye’ll nivir be hurted !’ 4* 4" 4* 4>“Some paple,” ses Katie, don’t belave in war—they’ve got a Peace Society at Gore, an’ its goin’ to ho wid another matin’ to back up the Hague Conference.’’ "Let them," ses I, "for me own part, I'm like the ou,d English squire that was axed for an aftiher-dinner toast. ‘ Hero it is,’ ses he —‘Here’s to England (cheers) ; may she always be in the right (still louder cheers) ; but, by heavens, gentlemen, here’s to her whether she’s right or -wrong.' (Deafening cheers)." “I’d sinti a copy av that to the Mayor av Wiliington, who’s goin’ to wilcome Mr Keir Hardie," ses Corney. ’Tis well thought av, Corney," ses I, "but I'm afraid Mr Hardie wud not accept the doctrine — he'd object to it as much as the bride did to the parson’s remarks.

Ses he —‘ You must never both get cross at once ; it is the husband's duty to protect his wife whenever an occasion arises, and a wife must love, honour and obey her husband, and follow him wherever he goes.’ ‘But, sir ’ pleaded the young bride. ■' I haven’t finished yet,’ remarked the clergyman, annoyed at the interruption.: ‘She must ’ ‘But, please sir,’ in desperation, ‘ can’t you alter that last part ? My husband is a postman ! ’- -- 4 ,: 4 1 : 4* 4 >; Well, Mr Editor, afther thinkin’ a lot about “The Ticketed Fraternity” an’ the badge wid “Everybody’s Friend” printed on it, I winti to bed an’ shtarted dhramin’. It came into mo head that ivirybody I met was wearin’ wan av the badges, an’ the firsht chap I came across was Mr J. J. Meikle. “Don’t shtop me, Denis,” ses he. “I’m off to the House of Representatives.” “What for ?” ses I. “To tell the twelve men who voted against my acquittal bill that I forgive them,” ses he. Thin I ran into mo shturdy frind Mr George Poole, wid a fragrant cigar betwaine his teeth, an’ a happy shmile on his fatures. Ses he —“Don’t detain me, Denis, I’m off to shake hands wid Mr Andrew Bain an’ the other mimjbers av the Builders' Association, and let bygones be bygones.” “Ye can afford to,” sos I, “for ye have scooped the pool in the buildin’ line by all accounts,” an’ away he wint hot fut. . 4* 4>- 4* 4But the greatest surprise av all I got was whin I met Mr Andrew Kinross an’ Mr Thomas Buxton hobnobbin’ at Lewis’s corner. Mr Kinross was handin’ the Premier av Makarewa a copy av his “ Life and Lays,” an' the Premier was axin’ the bard’s acceptance av his latest article on the Darwinian theory. “Why,” ses I, “I thought but jusht thin they both pointed, wid bashful shmile to the badges they wore, an’ I understud what had happened—they were ivirybody’s frinds, includin' ache other’s. 4* 4" 4* 4* Thin I wint along Esk shtreet, an’ saw that all the lawyers’ affices were closed. “What’s the mania’ av this,” ses I to Mr John Moffett. ‘‘Why,” ses he, “what is the use of keeping open when everybody is on the best of terms instead of being at law-ger heads.” I nixt found mesilf at the new gaol, an’ saw some alterations. “What are yo up to ?” ses I to the man in charge. “We are all frinds and we can't very well put our friends here, besides nobody does wrong now, and we’ve got orders to convert the gaol into a new hall for the A. and P. Association—it’ll be handy to the new grounds.”4* 4* 4. 4> Thin I thought I was in the House av Representatives. A vote av noconlldence had been proposed in the Governmint by the advanced, wing av the new Socialistic party, an’ _ I thought I saw a luk av impendin’ victory in the eyes av Mr Barclay an' some other Radicals, but 10, an’ behowld ! whin the numbers wint up an' the Governmint had a bit majority. ye shud have seen the change that came over the spirit av their dhrame. They didn't undershtand what had happened till Sir J. G, Ward an' Mr Massey smilingly pulled their coats to wan side an’ dishplay-'

ed their badges, hut inshtead av. "Everybody’s Friend’-- it bore the word "Coalition” —they had united to defeat the common enemy. Iviryr* body thought there was bound to b© a row, but Sir Joseph had a ‘'trump card up his shleeve all the time.,

Thin I thought I came nearer home an’ matin’ me ould frind Towlen G’ambling, I invited him to tea. Ses he—wid the though tfulness that distinguishes the gintleman—"But Mrs O’Shea might not like to be taken by surprise.”- -‘Sure,” ses T, "she’s joini ed the "Everybody’s Friend Society l3 an’ she’ll be glad to see ye, "but to make sure we’ll ring her up,” ses I, an’ ""wid that we shtepped into the nearest pub—l mean shop—an’ axed to be connected. "Katie,” ses I, .'‘our, ould frind Mr Gambling will have tayj wid us to-night. "Now,” ses I, -Tis-< ten an’ hear how plain her reply comes back.” "Ask your frind if he thinks we kape a boardin’-house ses Katie, over the wires. Mr Editor, ye can imagine me faiin’s an’ ; the fate av the new society. DENIS.

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https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/SOCR19071026.2.11

Bibliographic details

The Contributor, Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 27, 26 October 1907

Word Count
2,083

The Contributor Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 27, 26 October 1907

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