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The Contributor

DENIS DISCOURSES

Dear Mr Editor,'—Somewan ses that unless taste is varied it soon grows 'blunted. Me find the same in the sensation av colour ; colour grows xnore an* more indistinct the longoi the eye dwells on it. A well-known perimint is as follows ; A man’s eyes are bandaged, an’ he is g-ivcn to drink alternately av port wine an’ sherry. Hie has no difficulty at first av distinguish!n’ the wan from the other, but after a few sips he is unable to make out which is port an’ which is sherry. ■ Well, do yc know, 1 can cjuile belave that, afther bein’ at the competitions lasht wake. There Was that much singin’ an’ playin’ an’ recitin’ an’ spachifyin’ that mesilf an’ the resht av the family- got quite bewildered, an’ we’ve not quite recovered yet. Bedalia was. gra.tely taken wid the pianny playin’—she nivir heart! the like a v it before ; an’ Ikatie ses it reminded her av Mrs Doolan an’ Mrs Crogan "Only think. Mrs Grogan, that great Pianipounder has practised so hard at the pianny for the lasht six months that he has paralysed two lingers.” Mrs jGrogan : That’s nothin’, Mrs Dooian, lie daughter Mary Ami has practised so hard for the lasht six months that she’s paralysed two piannies.” ■4- 4- 4" An’ thin the singin’, Mr Editor ! •Twas lopcly, or at lashte I thought it wfes until 1. read the judge's report, an' saw that he detected all kinds av faults in the tone an’ the enunciation an"suchlike. It was like readin’ Mr Beale’s report on what is to lie found in some av the patent medicines, but -.1. hope the singers’ll not give way' to despair, but practise hard an" do betther nixt time. Corney. the sly rascal that he is, .whin I was talkin’ about the singin', bred air an ould catch at me. “Dad,’ ses he, ”1 suppose ye think, like the judge, that the voices av some >av the singers shad be cultivated.” ”1 do,” ses I. '•Well.” ses he, "I do not.” “Ye don't think they 7 ought to be be cultivated ?” ses I. "No,” ses he, “1 think they ought to be amputated,’ ’ 4* 4> 4> 4"Well.” ses Katie, "talkin’ av amputatin’ makes me think that Mr Bergamini made a nate job av the throopor. I was proud av the poor chap whin 1 lukt up an’ saw him sound in wind an’ limb on Dominion Da.v. Ye'd nivir have thought his meek had been dislocated, an’ his legs fractured.” "Thrue for ye. Katie,” ses I, "I'm thinkin’ Mr Bergamini muslit be Jirsht cousin to the housesurgeon in wan av the hospitals. ‘ I tell you,’ exclaimed a young medical student, ‘our house-surgeon is a vei'y clever fellow.' ‘ Flow's that?’ axed a chum, ‘Well, a man was brought in with a crushed leg. The surgeon sard it- must come off. But by some means or other he cut oIT the wrong' leg.’ ‘But-I don't call that clever !’ •'Wait a bit. The surgeon said it would be terrible for the poor fellow to go about with no legs at all, so he doctored up the crushed limb instead of cutting it off too, and now it is as good as ever. An ordinary surgeon would have left the fellow legless. Wonderfully* skilful, wasn't it ?’ ” 4* 4* 4* ■4Av coorse I wint to the matin’ av ratepayers an’ helped to carry* the vote in favour av borrowin’ another £17,000, Mo voting an’ energetic frind Mr Allen was there in grate form, an’ gave us no ind av raysons for not borrowin’ so much money, an’ he towld us, moreover,, that no private business man 'ud manage things the way the Council was doin'. Whin lie said that wan chap that was .siltin’ alongside ses to me—‘Now, Denis, do ye call that logical ? Why, the Council wants to spend '£lo,ooo in improvin’ the gasworks so That they can make more an’ betther gtas. an’ meet the -demand, an’ make a bigger income, an’ if that •is not sound business policy, I’d like to know what is ?” Before I cud answer him, up jumped Mr Petrie, an’ soon aft-her Mr Duncan McFarlane, an’ ye’d have laded to hear him chaffin’ Mr Allen about his objections to spindin’ £IOOO on a showroom in connection wid the gasworks. He thried to make out that it was a case av thrade Jealousy* or something av that kind. Ye see, Mr McFarlane's cornin’ out for Mayor, an’ he wants the town to go ahead an’ not be a wan-horse kind av a place.—he’s afraid if it 'doesn’t that ph.pl e have the same opinion av it as the boy had av a band. He was an Edinburgh newsboy, an’ jusht received sixpence from a lady for whom he had an errand. He resolved

to convert it into coppers. Wid this intuition he wint to wan av the hanks in St. Andrew’s Square. Pushin' open the huge swing doors he marched up to the counter, but the teller, failin’ to recognise the importance av the transaction, bade the boy run away home. Deeply 7 hurt, the urchin drew himsilf together, walked to the door, an’ there standin’ on the mat, surveyed the entire place, tellers. clerks, etc. "Ca’ yersel’ a bank,' ses lie, wid disdain, " Ca’ yersel’ a bank, an’ (anna change a tanner.” 4* 4" 4” 4*

Will wo ivir hear the lasht av the Exhibition ? Somewan in Parliamint has been talkin’ about the extravagance av havin’ a manager at £-19 a week supervisin’ the pullin’ down av the buildin's an’ soilin’ the material at a thrift in’ profit. But the besht shtory av the lot is the wan about a cheese factory that applied for space for an exhibit, an’ thin allored its mind, an’ didn’t, send anny, an' thin got a. Either say in’ ■that its exhibit had got a prize. Talk about a comedy av errors—it's more like a tragedy, for wan man got gaol for takin' money that didn’t belong to him, an’ another wint bankrupt -because he was persuaded to reduce his tender for pullin' down the Exhibition. "Howlcl hard, Denis,” ses Katie. “sure you’re enough to give us a fit av the blues. Can’t ve tell us

omcthing cheerful ?” "Why, Katie,” •sos I. "yc can't expect me to be always jokin’.” ‘'No, Denis,” ses she, "hut ye needn’t pour out all your throuhles at wance.” “All right, Katie,” ses I, '‘but I’m thinkin’ you’re got I in’ wake, Katie, whin yc can’t htand a little plain spoakin’.” " A little at a time, Denis,” sos she. ‘Give it to me on the instalmintplan.” "Yes,” ses I, "like the chap that advised Mr Crane, the actor, wancv. Yc sec, he had born under-study-in’ for the leadin’ man, an’ it became his duty at a critical lime to lift up the faintin’ heroine an’ convex- her to the wings. Crane was slight an’ annything but shtrong', so that the task assigned was extremely difficult. for the leadin’ woman weighed nearly two hundred pounds. Afther sundry attempts to accomplish the "business” assigned him, wid little hope of its accornplishmint, the shtrain was broken by the hearty laughter av the audience, for a shtrong-, shrill voice from the gallery had shouted —‘For heaven’s sake, man, take what ye can an’ come back for the rest ! ’ ”• <s> I have to thank a Waianiwa man for a hen's eg-g. What pro ye ladin’ at, Mr Fid it or ? For size it hates -creation. It Inks for all the world like, an ordinary barn-door production, an’ so it is. The point is this : The hen lias laid seventeen eggs, an’ none av thim are bigger -than a pigeon's, an’ now, to crown all, she Wants to sit on Ihiin an’ hatch chickens. That's more than me ould frind George can shtand. an’ if he takes my advice he’ll remove her head an’ make a male av her. Fie musht know that a dead hen’s betther than a lixm xvan, for she’ll lay wherever he puts her, an’ he’ll have no bother 1 likin’ under fences an’ hedges for her eggs. "The hen deserves some punishmint,” ses Corn-ey : "it

was a fowl trick to lay such shmall CggS. ’ ’• 4* ■*s>■ -4* Ye shucl have been at Woodend on Fj'klay lasht wake. If it wasn't for the sayriousne.ss av it, it .was a gr-atq joke. Ye see, the loco was cornin’ out av the bush wi'd a load on, an’ all a,t wanco she blew out, an’ the enginedriver an’ his mate watched the piece plying through the air till it landed over beyant the river. All hands were put aff. an’ if ye’d seen their faces, ye’d have thought it was the day before yesterday inshtead av .to-morrow mornin’. ■4" 4* 4* 4* The men came throopin’ in from the bush at a grate rate, an’ me ouki J'rind Young was spe iirsht to spake, an’ ses he—“l’m all right ; I’m oil to Seaward Moss to build a fiveroomed stable.” Thin onld Father McPherson came along, an’ ses he — '■She'll no he stappit for lang. Ye can gang tae the Forge or Col-ac.” The man wid the intellect was sint to Colac to build bridges, an Jerry site Prophet an’ another were tow Id ah to the Forg-e. while the others are wailin’, for ye see, Air Editor, we'll have the .Bluff road alive wid mills shortly, for there's too more to shtat't. “Aly Fathers” ses it’s worse than a thimdershtorm, an’ wants to know where the sawdust will come from that’s used for makin’ the fire handlers to supply the Invercargill market. 4* 4* 4* 4" ' While waitin’ round Tom Hall’s corner the other .day at AVoodend, wan a.v the min was fellin’ a shtory abont the size av the Alissotiri timber. “Ye see.” ses he, “it. takes two rain an’ a- boy to luk to the top av the trees. Wan Inks till he gets tired an thin the other commences- where he lift all’.” To crown it all he added :—"An ’ they are men av the hlabby shtamp.” Wid that Jos. Hanilyn rode by on his motor on his way to Ink at some bush, an’ we all gave him a cheer. 4* 4- 4- 4* But jokin’ apart, it's a serious mat then' for the min. an’ it is hoped the delay won't bo for long, an’ that the rip av the saw will soon be heard gain, an’ T trust that in the meantime the bu.shmen won't shtay away from church, like the wans I read about out Texas way. “What, keeps the bu.shmen front church ?” ses the parson. “I hope it’s not Socinianism.” “No,” ses the sexton ; “it’s worst 1 than that.” “Worse than Socinianisni ? Is it Deism?” “Worse than that,, parson.” “Worse than Deism ? Food heavens ! I trust it is not Atheism ?” “It’s worse than that, sir, it’s rheumatism.” 4* 4- 4- 4Av coorso we all wi-ut to the Dickens Land Fair in Zealand!a Hall an" renewed our acquaintance wid Sara Weller an’ Air Pickwick, an’ Little Nell, an’ Miss La Creevy. There was lots av fun iviry night, but ye s-hud have heard the roars that wint tip whin some, chaps came out to make beds. Cell, it Aid have made a. tombshtone la.t'f, so it wud. Whin we were coinin’ home I axed Katie what she thought av it. “Why,” ses she, “ I don’t think they’d get, references as housemaids.” “Well,” ses I; “if they did, they’d be beltber to treat thin* 'as the gyrul did that applied for a

situation. ‘Yes,’ ses the harassed mishtress, •‘breathin' a sigh av relief, as she reflected that at lasht the long, long search was over. T think you will suit me very well indeed. I pay £2O a year, two evenings' a week, alternate Sundays, and one hay a month.’ ‘ Yes, mum,’ sos the perfect treasure, wid a countrified curtsey that brought 'delight to the heart av her new mishtress. - There is only one thing,’ continued the lady av the house—‘references 1 . Have you got any ?’ ‘Well, no, mum. X had some, but I tore ’em up.’ ‘You tore ihem up? Oh. you foolish girl !i’ J ‘Ah, but you wouldn’t have thought so, mum,’ ses the treasure, impressively, ' if ve’d read ’em DENIS.

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https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/SOCR19070928.2.9

Bibliographic details

The Contributor, Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 23, 28 September 1907

Word Count
2,061

The Contributor Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 23, 28 September 1907

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