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The Contributor

DENIS DISCOURSES, • Dear Mr Editor, —Sure, I fale like addin-’ a chapter to the Lamentations av Jeremiah this wake. It’s "been nothin’ but wan throuble either another. They shtartod on Monday lasht, whin the figure that’s to crown the Fallen Throopers’ Memorial at the corner av Dee an’ r i ay rhtreets, fell whin he was four feet aff the ground an’ broke bis neck. They do be sayin’ that if ye give a man rope enough he’ll hang himsilf, but begorra this poor craythur oroke his neck, to say nothin’ av the limbs an’ his shootin’ iron, through ' not havin’ rope enough. •4* ’4' "It mnsht have made a sinsation,” sos I to Corney, who haP.P cne d to be handy whin it happened. "It did that,’’ ses he, "sure the bank clerks •had their faces glued to the ows in no time, an’ ivirywan ran to the shpot in double-cpuck time, an’ poor ould Minerva at the Athenaeum wept tears av joy to think that she wud be left in solitary grandeur a little longer. Thin wan av the min placed the throopor’s head in a box, an’ another chap placed the other bits under some sacks an’ the Committee aftherwards sat on the remains, an’ decided to get Mr Bergamiiv down from Dunedin to see if he cud reshtore .life. No wan seemed to think av consultin’ Mr Fraser, who has been workin’ among shtones an’ marbles all his life. No, the firsht place we luk to is Dunedin.’’ 4- 4- 4- 4"Well,” ses Katie, "if we go on depindin’ on other paple like that I am afraid we’ll Ipse the power av doin’ annything for oursilves—sure, we’ll be like the dogs. I’m towld its only 'domesticated dogs that can bark. If a tame dog runs wild, as they do sometimes in Alaska, an’ elsewhere, afther a time it loses its power av barkin’.’’ "Well,” ses BetlaliVi, "Mr Bergamini may be all right, but- the local man shud have a show, but if ye’d hinted that to the committee I suppose they’d, have been like the young woman that put her mother right. A young man had been callin’ now an’ thin on a young lady, whin wan night as he 'sat. in the drawin-room waitin' for her to come down, her mother entered the room inshtead. an axed him in a very grave, shiern way what his intint ions were. He turned very red, an’ was about to shtammer some incoherent reply, whin suddenly the young lady called down from the head av the shtairs—‘Mamma, mamma. that is not the one ” ■4* -4~ -4"Well,” ses Corney, "the. committee shud have taken more care av the throoper.” “Yes.” ses Bedalia. "They shud have wrapped him in india-rubber before shtarlin’ to hoist him.” "Well,” ses Corney, "that plan was thried wance in a lire in an indiarubber factory, an’ it didn’t work well at all, at alb. Ye see, wan av the chaps in the top storey tied himsilf up in the indiarubber an’ threw himsilf out av the window, an’ whin he shtruck the ground ho bounced up an’ down till there was no life in him.” F F "Well,” ses I, "Invercargill’s not the only place where tilings aren’t goin’ smoothly. I see some av the Governinint inimbers av Pariiamint an’ the Opposition have been puttin’ their heads an’ votes together an’ chippin’ bits aff the new tariff.” "Sir J. G. Ward ’ud not like that,” sea Katie. "He didn't,” ses I, " an’ he towld thiin pretty straight what he thought av thim. an', bow he’d get upsides wid thim if it happened again.” "I suppose,” ses Corney, "he had , the same foelin’ for thim that the grocer had for the man that wint into his shop wan day an’ ses he —‘ I believe I am an injured husband, sir,’ ses he, ‘an’ I desire to verify my suspicions by watching a hotise, in the next street. But I can only do this safely from the rear of your shop. Will you be good enough to let me sit by the open window there for half an hour ?’ The grocer, patting the man’s shoulder in kindly fashion, said —‘To be sure, my friend. Make yourself at home. And good luck to you.’ Some time passed ; thin the jealous husband rushed from the shop, rollin’ his eyes, ran’ mutterin’ ‘l’ll kill her ! I’ll go home and get the gun and kill her now I’ ‘Your wife ?’ said the grocer. ‘Yes,’ groaned the man. ‘My false wife, my adored May. I cannot doubt her guilt, and before sundown I shall bo a murderer.’ The grpeer tried to detain him, buf he got away. Nothin’ happened in the way av murder for an hour or more an’ thin a little disappointed an’ suspicious the gro-

cer made an investigation in the back av his shop, to find that there had been passed out through the open window three tubs av butter, a crate av eggs, two bags av flour an’ a dozen hams.” 4- 4" 4" 4“Well,” ses Corney, “I don’t rightly know who’s to blame, but they’re makin’ a quare ould mess av that same tariffI—its 1 —its a case* av too, manny cooks shpoilin’ the broth —Fm thinkin’ it ’ud be a good bargain for the counthry to give the mimbers 80s a day thravellin’ expinses, an’ let t-him clear out for a thrip to Japan or to Siberia.” “Yes,” ses Katie. “ they have not done much to boasht about as regards the tariff —sure, they 'do be remindin’ mo av the doctor that cured a man that shluttered. The followin’ dialogue was heard in the thrain from ” Blyth to Newcastle : Firsht miner : ‘Ha—halloa, Ha-—Ha— Harvey !’ Second miner : ‘Fm go—going to see Do —Doctor Wa—Wallop, so—to cure me of s—st —stammering.’ First miner : ‘ That’s the one tha—that 'Cu —cured m—me.’ 4- 4- 4- 4But to come back to Invercargill, Mr Editor, our second mu-fortune happened on Widnesday. whin the Auckland team walked over our chaps on the futball ground. I'm towld our min losht heart because a few points were scored against thim in the firsht shpell, an’ afther that they seemed to have very little interest in the match.” “They shud have made a betthor fight av it than that,” ses I. They might have- taken a lal'e out av the gook av the Irishman that was walkin’ along a road alongside a links, whin he was suddenly shtruck betwane the shoulders wid a golf ball. The force av the blow knocked him down, an’ whin lie got up he observed a golfer runtiin’ towards him. Are you hurt ?’ axed the player. ‘Why didn’t youu get out nf the way ?’ ‘An’ why shud 1 git out av the way ?’ axed Fat. T did not know there were assassins about here.’ ‘But I called ‘Fore !’ ’ ses the player ; ‘and when I say ‘Fore ’ that’s a sign for you to get out av the way.’ ‘Oh, is it ?' ses Pat. ‘Well, thin, whin I say ‘Foive !’ its a sign that ye are goin’ to git hit on the nose ! Foive !’ ” ■4* 4- 4- 4Invercargill’s third misfortune, Mr Editor, is the retirement av Conshtable McChesney, av South Invercargill. Begorra I a daciliter man nivir wore blue, an’ whin ho passed the time av day an’ axed how iviry bit av ye was keepin, wid his hearty hand-shake an’ kindly shmile, it made ye tale as if life was worth fivin’. “Good luck to him an’ his,” ses Katie, “an’ may he live long an’ prosper, an’ niver be reduced to the same straits as the Irishman in Manchester. He applied -at a churchwarden's affiee for relief, an’ upon some doubts bein’ expressed as to whether he was a proper subject for parochial charity, enforced his suit wid much earnestness. ‘Och, yer honour,’ ses he, ‘sure I’d be shtarved long enough ago but for my cat.’ ‘But for what ?’ axed the astonished interrogator. ‘My cat,’ rejoined the Irishman. • ‘Your cat ? How so ?’ ‘Sure, your honour, I so wid hex-

eleven times for sixpence a time, an’ she was always at home before I’d get there mysilf.’ ” 4* 4- 4- 4^ “Well,” ses Corney, “before ye finish talkin’ about misfortunes, ye might tell the readers av the‘ Cross about the terrible throuble that befell a family in South Invercargill. Ye see, a man ordered a keg av beer from wan av the depots, wid 'directions were to lave it. The drayman made a mishtako, an’ lift it at the house opposite the customer’s place. It happened to be occupied by Prohibitionists, an’ the keg shtud. in the verandah all the afthernoon. They wanted to know how it came there, an’ cud hardly bclave it wasn’t done on purpose, but at long an’ lasht the mishtake was cleared up, an’ the keg taken away.” “The Prohibitionists ’ud not like beer shtamlin’ there,” ses I. “ Indeed not,” ses Katie, “they’d prefer to have things like that kept in the background, like the widow au' widower that got married afther a few days’ acquaintance. ‘Sarah,’ he said, nervously, afther the guests had departed, T ’ave a wedclin’ present for ye.’ ‘What is it, •John?' said Sarah, wid a smirk. ‘ I ’ope ye won’t be ’fended, Sarah,’ said John, more agitated than ewer, ‘but it is—er—er—it is—five of ’em.j ‘Five of w’at ?' axed Sarah- ‘ Five children,’ blurted out John, desperately. anticipatin’ a scene. T didn’t tell ye I ’ad children—live of em.’ Sarah Ink the news quite calmly:—in fact, she appeared to be relieved. ‘Oh, well, John.’ she said, ‘that do make it easier for me to tell ye. Five is not- so bad as me, w’at ever. Seven I ’ave got !’ ‘W’at !’ howled John. ‘Seven,’ repeated Sarah, composedly. ‘That is my weddin’ present to ye, John.' ’■ 4* 4* 4- 4An’ now, Mr Editor. I’m goin’ to let ye know av the great misfortune that’s happened to®van av your readers at Greenhills. mile's been blamed for writ-in’ to Denis O'Shea, if ye plase. Here’s his letther : —“Sir, — For some months past the doings of the, residents of Greenhills have formed the subject of alleged funnyisms by a would-be scribe to “Denis’s” column. I have been accused of being- the author of those alleged funnyisms, and I wish to take this opportunity of publicly stating that 1 am not, and further that it is quite unknown to me who is, the author of those notes. In justice to myself I hope you will publish this.— Yours, etc., E. J. Patterson, Greenhills, Sept. 3, 1907.” 4- 4- 4" 4Publish it ! Av coorse I will, an’ what's more, IT! say that Mr Patterson nivir wrote a line to me about G-reenhills or a.nny other hills. He’s got ray deepest sympathy, an’ I am glad av the chance to put him right wid his neighbours. “He mnsht have felt uncomfortable at bein’ blamed for the letthers,” ses Bedalia. ‘‘True for ye, Bedalia,” ses I, “jusht about as uncomfortable as the Highlander. Tourist (to Sandy, .wearin’ trousers for the firsht time) —‘How do you like to wear trousers, Sandy Sam dy—‘Ferry weel, sir ; but shust a. wee bit uncomfortable aboot the sleeves, whateffer. - ’’ DENIS.

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Bibliographic details

The Contributor, Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 21, 7 September 1907

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1,876

The Contributor Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 21, 7 September 1907

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