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The Contributor

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor,— l’ve jusht been rad in’ Mr Hanan’s spache on the Financ-fal Statement. ’Tis an illigant .discoorse, an’ ought to be circulated far an’ wide. He’s against lettin’ the Chinese in in case they contaminate the white paple, an’ he is all for advancin’ Invercargill an’ the resht av the colony. Thin he’s a grate man for local industry : “There is need for some further protection to assist struggling industries 1 . Take, for instance, the woollen industry, which is one of national importance, and is being seriously interfered with by increasing importations of articles such as shoddy. I am pleased to think that the Government in this connection intends to take action to promote the interests of our woollen industry, which is being injured by the importation and sale of shoddy goods. These socalled woollen cloths do not contain an ounce of pure wool, are made, imported, and sold as woollen fabrics, an unsuspecting public being thus deceived. Lately, in Invercargill, there has been established a woollen mill, ami 1 am anxious that the Industry shall be a success, knowing what good it would be to that district, by giving employment and causing the circulation of a larger amount of money in the payment- of wages, at the same time returning. I trust, a reasonable profit to its on--1 ei'prising propriet ors, ’ ’ 4- 4> 4* “Well,” ses Bedalia. “if the miniburs av Uarliamint arc anxious to assist local industries they shucl copy some av the politicians in Victoria, where twinty av thim are wearin' (Belong (weeds.” “Mr Han’ an's a good man for Invercargill,” ses Katie, “he's got her a lot. but wants more —he reminds me ax' the girl at Home that was so fat that she wint to see a physician to be rid av some av it. He drew up a careful dietary : she teas to cat dry toast, plain boiled beef. etc., an’ was to return widin a month to report reduction. At the ind av the month she could hardly pass through the doctor's doorway. He teas aghast. 'Did yon do what I told yon ?' he axed. 'Religiously.' she said. The doctor's brow wrinkled. Suddenly he had a dash av inspiration. ‘Anything else?" he axed. 'Only ordinary meals,' the. fat girl replied. 4- 4 1 4* 4Hut coinin' nearer home, Mr Editor. ’tis the line time I've had wid Angus McGregor since he wint to the Caledonian Society's social in Victoria Hall. Afther the social lie fell in wit] some ould cronies that knew where there was a private locker, an' whin he came*honie all Mrs McGr >gor end get out av him was —‘T got. the drink whaur —(hie) —the peelers eanna get it." "Do ye mean lac tell me, Angus,” ses she. “that ye got it at the whit dae ye ca’ thae tea rooms ?” “Ye mean the (hie) (invent Cairdcn (hie) tea rooms?” ses Angus. “Hoo could a body get it there when the peelers couldna find ony V” “Will. I'm tell they got a bottle o' Som 1 -. thing there.” ses M'rs McGregor.. “Oh. ay," ses he., “but wild horses ’ml no mak’ them tell ye whit wis in the bottle —onyway. it wisna whns'ky or brandy, but it matin hae been si rang', for ai’fter the peeler drew the cork an’ sampled the contents ye could hae heard his language haul a mile awh’. It reminded me o' Shakespeare's ' Alas, poor Yorick, T ken the smell.’ ” t f Well, when Angus called, Katie tackled him about the drink, lint he’d not let on where he got it. “Sure,” ses she, “a. civil question deserves a civil answer." “Mind yer ain business, Airs O'Shea.” ses he. “Denis.’' ses Katie-, “do ye hear that, an’ afther all you've done for him, too?” “ here. Angus,” ses I, “do ye know I'm thinkin’ I'd not. ask betther shport than to get Jack Pa.sco to dust your jacket for ye, me lad, an’ take the impudence out av ye. It ’ml not lie the Jirsht wan he had taught manners to. an' it won’t bo the lasht. as sure a.s me name’s 'Denis I .:’ Well, whin T lowld him about Jack Pasco Angus got very civil, an’ ’drew in his horns, an’ ses he —“Well. Mistress O’Shea, “ I beg your pardon, an’ I’ll gie ye a bit sang.” So to get Angus straight we all axed him to give us the Whinny Knowes, an’ in a nice baritone voice ho wint at it like this : AMANG THE WHINNY KNOWES. Oh, the lassie I had first of a’, she was handsome, young, an’ fair. Wish her I spent some merry days upon the banks o’ Ayr. With her I spent some happy days whaur yonder burnie rows.

■Wham- the echo mocks the corncrake amanv the whinny knowes. We loved each other dearly-—disputes we seldom had. As constant as the pendulum. her heart beats always glad. Wo sought tor joy and found it wham' yonder burnie rows, Whaur tire echo mocks the corncrake amang the whinny knowes. Oh, you maidens fair and pleasure's dames, drive to the banks of boon: You’ll dearly pay for every scent to barbers for perfume : Hut rural joy is free to all whaur scented clover grows, Whaur the echo mocks the corncrake amang tire whinny knowes. Oh, the corncrake is noo awa’, the burn is to t h r brim. The whinny knowes are clad wi' straw that lops the highest whin : But when canid winter is awa', an' summer clears tire sky. We'll welcome track the corncrake, tire bird o' rural joy. 4- 4*- 4- 4* “.By the hole av me coat, Angus,'’ ses 1, “youTe like that same bird, the corncrake, an’ we Aril wilcome ye back," “Thank ye. Denis." ses he. "but. Twill only be till the 2Mrd av August, when the Highland Society's social an’ ball will see me cm the look not for a private locker again-" Angus has since towki me that he has found it hash! to bo deaf whin his wife gets inquisitive, like the oulci chap (liar was troubled that way-, an’ owner av a dog that is the terror av the neighbourhood- Ses a frin'fl the other day—'Good morning. Mr Brown. Your wife made us a very pleasant call last night." “Cm very sorry." was the startling reply, "I’ll see it doesn't occur again—l intend to keep her chained up after t h is.’ ’ 4 - 4- 4- 4” “Angus bid be a belt her man." ses Katie, “if there wore no private lockers." “Me wild that.’’ ses I. “after he's been there he’s apt to loose his bearin's —he's like the two min in a balloon who. wishin' to know over what part a v the coimlhry they wore pass-in’, an’ seein' a rustic at some distance workin' in the fields, gradually descended. Whin nearly overhead wan av Ihim called out: : ‘ Hi, there ! Where are we?" The rustic merely gazed up in mute astonishment. Thlnkin’ that he had not heai’d the two aeronauts shouted together ; 'Where are we ?’ .Tusht as ■ they drifted pasht, there came the answer- ; “Whoy, ye be in a balloon, bean’t ye ?’’ 4- 4- 4- 4Corney was in a grate shtate over the boxin’ dishplays in the theatre, an’ wanted me to go an - see thim. “No, Corney," ses T. “I’ll not go, for I nivir expect to see anny thing like the lights I saw in the open air in Invercargill manny years ago." Well, nothing- ’ud do Corney but I bad to till him about thim. an’ ses I—“ Wan Saturday night at the corner av Dee an’ Tls'k shtreets. where part av Ibowis an’ Co.’s big- shop is now, ould Dan Fale, the carter — pace to his mimory— an’ another chap that’s still to the fore, fell out, an’ got into the section an’ fought to a finish, while the paple hung on

to the fince an’ cheered firsht wan an.’ thin the other. The police considerately kept out av the way, an’ ’twas a grate battle—the min were, equally matched, an’ they fought like Trojans, or like Jack Pasco. 4" 4" 4- 4* That was number wan. The other happened at the time av a grate fall av snow. Iviry.body was hittin’ ivirybody else wid balls, whin all av a sudden two sturdy chaps fell out an’ wint at it wid their iishts. _ A big crowd got round in no time, wid John If are an’ some other good ould stipends to see fair play, an’ the min worked their way into the Club Hotel right-av-way, an’ punched ache other till they didn’t shtand—they were plucky lads an’ no mishtake, an' made me think av the young-man that was lowld by his doctor that the coats of his stomach, were destroyed. 'Are they ?’ ses he ; ‘ then (he beggar'll have to do his work in his shirt sleeves.' “ lb 4* 4* 4" 4” Katie ses that Sir J. CL Ward ought to be called the pace-maker av Australia, he's that determined to shove New Zealand anong. Se» she—“lie's takin' the duty all motor cars an' raisin' the duly on boots an’ shoes, an’ whin somewan objected, ■ ‘Why,’ ses he. ‘one half of the people will soon be using motor cars and the other half will be enghged in repairing them, so why let boots in cheap ?' ” “He's a grate, goer,” ses L “an' I expect that whin he makes another budget spache he’ll be wantin' to lot balloons in free so that we can all thravel in the air.” i i “Well.” ses Katie. “there’s wan man in Invercargill doesn’t care what duty’s put on or taken alf, an’ that’s Davie Roche, dad,” ses she. “1 saw him afther the English mail came in, an' he lukt the picture av happiness. ‘Luk at that,’ ses he, wid a shmilo—that won’t come aff, ‘ Tis a Post card from Archie Hawke from Ireland. There’s Sackville street, Dublin, wid Nelson’s ATomini in I , an’ all the resht av it, an’ Air Hawke ses f hat Ireland's as rainy as Southland.' ” “He's fond av Ould Ireland—that same Davie Roche,” ses I ; it’s long since he left the Ould Sod, but the counthry’s green in his mimory.” “It is,” ses Bedalia. “he'd do annything for the Emerald Isle—lie reminds me av the chap that wrote to his sweetheart — “I’m yours to command both in weepin’ an’ laughter ; I'm awake all the night that av you I may dhrame ; I’d hang mesilf now if ye’d marry me a ft h er ; An' though I may change I’ll be ivir the same.” 4- 4 - 4" 4" "Talkin’ av Sackville street, Dublin, Air Editor, makes mo think av the man in Wellington that’s not satisfied at New Zealand bein’ called a Dominion. This is how he puts it ; “Ireland furnishes us with a notable example of a change of name which resulted in nothing. The most classic, spacious, and imposing of all the city public ways in Europe is Dublin —as everybody knows —and has been called Sackville street for generations. Sackville may have been a considerable figure, even a genius in I his day, but as he did not set the Lriver LilTey on fire, nobody in these

later times cares to remember who he was or what he did. O’Connell, however, with his burning - and sincere patriotism set all Ireland ablaze and the Dublin Corporation many, years ago, and long - after the Liberator’s death, passed a resolution (most respectfully worded) consigning Sackville to oblivion, and directing- that for the future the noble street known as Sackville street should be called O’Connell street. The public did not really care a straw one way or another about Sackville. Neither, apparently, did they care more for the resolution oi the city fathers. And O’Connell ? O’Connell was in heaven. Nobody need trouble about him. Probably he Was trying - as hard as- he could to get poor Sackville there too — a mighty hard job. no doubt, but O’Council was always capable of performing wonders ! So mayor and councillors were quite unable to abolish Sackville down to this day.”“’the man that wrote that is a growler,” ses Katie : “he musht be related to the chap out Mandeville way that was axed if he was putting in much crop. ‘Don’t talk to me about crop,’ he ses. ‘l’ve been hunting for the last month for a ploughman, and there is not one to he found for love or money. The labour union’s demands are getting serious and are driving the farmers to put their land in grass as soon as possible—2ss to 27s 6d jier w - eek. Is 6d an hour in harvest, a fortnight’s holiday on full pay, knock off at 5 o’clock sharp, no grooming horses after 5. Pie taker the farmer’s hack after tea and off he goes I He tells the farmer to groom his own horse, and the farmer can’t say ‘Boo.’ And still the farmer is afraid to invest 7s 6d in the Farmers’ Union to look after his own interests, while the labour unionist freely gives £1 5s per member, and it pays him to do it.' ’’

‘■‘Well,” ses Corney, ‘T’li be bound the inian that talked like that is careful o’ the bawbees, as the Scotch say, an’ if he had a son. he d be afther g’ivin’ him the same advice as another farmer did. The son had the misfortune to fall in love wid two voting' ladies at wance. the wan was a large bouncin g’h’l at generous proportions ; the other was small tin’ slim. In those circumstances he axed his father’s .advice. ‘Wool,’ ses his father, ‘there’s sac xmickle machcenery tised in fairmin nooadav'a that a big, active wife is no o’ much use. so I’d advise ye lae tak’ the little ano ; she’ll eat less, onyway.’ ” DENIS.

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The Contributor, Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 16, 3 August 1907

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The Contributor Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 16, 3 August 1907

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