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The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor,—Who’s goin’ to have the honour av wilcomin’ Lord Plunket when he arrives on Friday nixt ? That was the question Gorney ses he was axin’ whin lishtenin’ to the candidates for the mayoralty on Wednesday lasht. “Well,” ses Katie, “whin he towld us av the crowd that gathered to hear' the speeches, “Mr Scandrett an’ Mr Stead are both good men, an’ the town’ll be well reprisinted whdchivir man gets in. “ Did they Ink flurried, Gorney ?” ses she. -“Not a bit av it,” ses Gorney, “sure, they’re both ould hands at the game, an 5 they tuk it as coolly as the business woman in Dunedin that, was goin’ to change her name, an’ lift a notice on the door —“Gone to get married ; back in half-an-hour.” 4- 4 - 4* 4” '■‘Well,” ses I, “I’m glad to see such a lot av candidates out for ail the different places it shows the grate interest paple take in the affairs av the borough!’” “It does,” ses Katie, “ivirywan seems anxious to luk afther the place —they're not like the little gyrul in Dee shtreet that was wheelin’ a go-cart, in which was a very young child. As the vehicle was bein’ pushed dangerously near the edge av a somewhat shteeii curb, a gintleman ventured to gintly remind her that the little wan was in danger av bein’ thrown out. The gyrul lukt up into his face, an’ in a tone av utter an’ complete indifference, replied : ‘lt don’t matter, mister ; it ain’t our kid.’ ; 4” 4. 4 4-

If ye are throubled wid biliousnes&j an’ what food ye shud ate, I can ad-j vise ye. Some doctors recommind grape nuts, hut take my tip, an’ go to a counthry sale. It wud do ye good to see the appetites av the farmer class. John Kingsland an’ Son! always lay in a good stock av pro-j visions for such sales, hut if ye had been at Mr A. Cochrane’s sale at Lochiel on Widnesday, an’ saw how the bread an’ mate an’ cheese was washed jdown wid cup afther cup avl tay, not to shpake av anny thing else, ye wud have thought there had been a flood in the New River, an’| had claned the tables. He had to getj my motor car to go to Winton fori more bread, an’ whin I lift I met a| man carz'yin’ a sheep’s head an’ a pluck. It was the only thing lift for the dogs, an’ he musht have had it| planted, as he said it wud be a goner too. ■4” *s■ ’Afther plinty to ate an’ drink the sale shtarted, an’ sheep brought a record price. There were paple there from east, west, north and south, an’ I’m sure if Lord Plunket had known there wud be such a turn-out he wud have postponed other things an’ attinded the sale, an’ I’m equally sure his appetite wudn’t have lift him fike the cyclists who were havin’ a spin wan Sunday an’ called at a farm an’ axed for a feed. A ploughman who was in charge av the house tuk the party into the kitchen, an’ takin’ a few plates down from the shelf, began wipin thim wid his

handkerchief. W r an av the party indignantly axed him if he knew that he was wipin’ the plates wid his handkerchief, an’ he replied—“Oh aye, but it is a dirty yin, ouyway.” 4. 4. .4* 4;

But to hear the lusty-lunged auctioneer howldin’ forth in flowery terms ®n a particular breed av sheep was besht at all- He was endeavourin’ to induce his audience to purchase, an’ pointin’ to a fat lamb, ses he —“Can’t get better, gentlemen, 1 'don’t care where you go ; you'can’t get better.” “No,” came a voice from the back av the crowd, “you can’t. I had a piece av wan for dinner, an’ I don’t feel better yet,” I think it was- Mi - Tobin, for he is the grate lad for a joke. “What horse power is your motor car, Mr O'Shea ?” ses wan chap to mo. “Well,” ses T, “it is ten horse power,” but he thought I was jokin, for whin it .broke down near Wallacetown Scotty Gray brought it home wid wan horse. 4* 4” 4- 4" I seen Alex. Me at the sale. “ Why, ye luk worried, old man ; what’s the trouble ?” ses I. “The trouble,” ses he, “is with the twins, Denis. One of them is crying because he swallowed his rattle, and the other is howling out of sympathy, like the slaughtermen that struck because the others did, and betwixt the two of them bawling I can’t tell which one swallowed the rattle.”- • 4- 4- 4- 4>—

A young- frind av mine that didn't get the temporary clerkship at the council has been tryin’ his hand at a pome, an’ this is how it comes out. I may till ye he’s that plascd wid it that he’s goin’ to the Royal Arcade to get Mr Hansen to make a record ap it on wan av his fine phono)gz-a.phs —but here it is in the meantime—

-■-‘Well,”- ses Bedalia, i'the man that., wrote that shtuff shut! get on in the; world. He is a kind av janius, so he is. Pomes like that aren’t at all common —they’re as scarce as hen’s teeth.” ‘‘lf ye’d said eggs,” ses Corney, “I cud have undershtud it.” 1 “An' while ye're at it ye might as well say hens, too,” ses I, “for they are very scarce in some quarters.” “How do ye know ?” ‘ axed Katie. “Well,” ses I. “didn’t ye hear about the little gyrul that wint to a neighbour, an’ ses she :—'Please Mrs Brown, mother wants to know if she can borrow a dozen eggs. She wants to put them under a hen.’ Mrs Brown : ‘So yon have got a hen, have you, my dear ? I didn’t know your mother kept hens.’ Little Girl : ‘ISTo, she doesn’t ; but Mrs White is going to lend us a hen that is; going to set, and mamma thought if you’d lend us the eggs we could find the nest ourselves.’ ” “Well,” ses Katie, “that’s the latest thing in poulthry farmin’, an’ ye might let Mr Brookes know about afther he sells' his poulthry farm at Te Wais Point. ” 4- 4- 4- 4From poulthry the talk turned to vegetables, an’ talkin’ av that same av coorse ye heard about the fine collection me ould frind Mr John Tierney av Woodlands had in Mr Lonnie’s shop lasht wake. The cabbage were that big that Mr Lennie got frightened an’ said that if anny more came in either thim or himsilf ’ud have to lave the shop. So ye see, Mr Editor, what we may expict 1 at the winter show, for I may as well till ye at wanoe, if not sooner, that Mr Tierney has made up his mind to bate Captain Fahey, av Otautau, or die in the attimpt. Ho ses he can only get room for four av his cabbages in a quarter av an acre, but don’t lit on to Captain Fahey or he might be afraid to compete. 4- 4* 4- 4But all the same I don’t think he’s built that way, an’ I’m towld that Ms cabbages are growin’ at such a rate that he has got to tie thim down wid ropes to kape thim from growiri’ over his neighbour’s fences, an’ breakin’ Mr Kenny Cameron’s model by-laws. They’re that weighty they put me in mind av the Irishman that saw a heavily-laden ship that was scarcely above the water’s edge. “Upon me word,” ses he, “if the river was to rise a little higher the ship 'ud go to the bottom.” 4" 4*- 4* 4" The other day I met the ould gintleman who delivers notices about the paymint av sanitary rates an’ suchlike, an’ he towld me he had the adventure av his lifetime the other day. Whin he lift wan at a house the other day the man he give it to threw; it down, jumped on it, an’ kicked it like a futball. He lukt that wild that me ould frind made tracks

an’ got aff the premises in quick time, like the man at the Exhibition that’s' to be brought back from America. ’Tis mesilf is thinkin’ that if there is much av that sort av thing the corporation’ll have to get lessons in self-defence from Commissioner Cadman or the mimbers av the Invercargill 'Boxing Association. 4-

‘■‘Well,” ses Katie, ‘‘l thought the Invercargill ratepayers were models av good behaviour.” ‘‘They xised to be,” ses I, ‘‘but the new generation:® 1 failin’ aff.” ‘‘‘Don't say that,dad,” ses Corney, ‘‘sure it reminds me av the man that objected to his son goin’ out at nights. Ses he :—i ‘When I was your age my father, wouldn’t let me out at night.; ‘Well,’ ses the boy, ‘you must have had a deuce of a father.’ ‘ Look here,’ ses the man, T had a confounded sight better one than you have, you young rascal.’ An’ thin he wondered why his son laffed.” - 4-

’Twas the grate oukl collision tuk place on the North Road on Widnesday night betwane a man on a motor cycle an’ another chap. I thried to find out who was to blame, but they were both too excited to till me a straightforward shtory, an’ by the time they had finished I was as wise as the paple that the ould sailor got to lishten to him. Ye see, he had learned to • navigate a bicycle whin he was in port, an’ was workin’ a rapid p ; a«®la'ge whin he collided wid a lady cyclist. Fortunately there was no personal damage, an’ whin they had extracted thimseives from the wreck he anticipated- her expected outburst av anger, with a long explanation, from which she could gather very little, except that he was exceedingly sorry. I’m sure as I ought to be scuttled for it, mum,-’ he said, apologetically, ‘but I couldn’t get your signals no more as if we were feeling through a fog bank, 3j was blowin’ for you to pass to port an’ steerin’ my course accordin’. Just as I was goin’ to dip my pennant an’ salute proper your craft refused to obey her rudder, an’ you- struck me for’ard. Afore I could reverse your jib-boom fouled my starboard mizzen riggin’, your mainsail (skirt) snarled up with my bobstay, parted your toppin’-lift, an’ carried away my spanker down haul. As I listed I tried to jibe, but I capsized, keel up, an’ put you flounderin’ in the wreckage.’ i’Av coorse ye wint to hear Commisisioner Cadman, Mr Editor. Wasn't he good ? For mesilf, I nivir want to hear betther. Degorra, nobody wanted to lave till the ind av the meetin’. It wasn’t a bit like the congregation where a preacher lectured on the prophets. Afther he had talked for a n hour or two an’ finished the major an’ minor prophets, ‘Now/ses he, ‘what about Jeremiah ? Where is Jeremiah’s place ?’ At this stage a man rose in the back av the church, an’ ses he —‘ Jeremiah can have my place—l’m goin’ home.’ DENIS.

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The Contributor., Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 3, 20 April 1907

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The Contributor. Southern Cross, Volume 15, Issue 3, 20 April 1907

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