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The Contributor., Southern Cross, Volume 14, Issue 52, 6 April 1907
DENIS DISCOURSES. Dear Mr Editor, —Easter Monday came on All Fools’ Day, an’ troth, it was well named. Ye see, I .happened to come down in the mornin’ to luk at some paple av that kind goin’ aff to the Riverton Races, an’ I met me ould frind Tim Miller in Dee shtroet, an’ ses I—“ What’s1 —“What’s on in town ?•” Ses he —“A few fatal .weddings,’’ an’ that some women ’ud make a fool av the devil if he was on the marriage market. Lavin’ him—l mean Tim, not the other fellow—l saw a crowd up at Mr Chambers’ blind factory—l mean window blinds —an’ scintin’ a row, I made aff in that direction, whin, lo ! an behowld, ■it was a wed din’ party.. 44 4 4
The besht man, Mr Boyce, the genial cabman, was there, but, as brides don’t marry the besht men — at leasht, not always—l concluded he was only actin’ as driver, an’ that ho had the gossoon inside, although, as he said, “The groom is usually on the outside, except on state occasions.’’ Whin I got there the bride had not arrived, an’ a gossoon came out av the church hatless an’ breathless, to see if she was there, an’ noticin’ the bridesmaids, drivin’ up he rushed' back to arrange the groom an’ party to meet the bride. The parson tuk his place, an’ the organ pealed out in grand shtyle, but no bride arrived. 4 44 4Thin the young man. came out agnin to luk for her, but not a bit av her was to be seen high nor low. He worked himsilf up into a grate shtate, wint through movemints that reminded me av Sandow’s exercises, an’ in again to shtop the music, an’ ordered the guests to shtand at ease .while he hailed a hansom an’ druv aff widout his hat to find the gyrul. Unlike John Gilpin, he wasn’t loaded wid the proverbial bottles, av liquor, as it was too soon in the day. Whin he got along Dee street he met the bride’s carriage conveyin’ as pretty a colleen as ivir left the Ould Sod, an’ it was explained that it tuk thim five minutes longer than was expected to get round the throopers’ memorial, because Crs. Bain, Roche, an’ Martin’ were discussin’ the besht place for a new bowlin’ green. The explanation was voted satisfactory, an’ no doubt the bride will make up for the five, minutes’ losht in makin’ fools of the weddin’ party. 4- 4- 4-' 4“Well, Denis,’’ ses Katie, “from what you say she was worth waitin’ for, an’ I hope her husband’ll think a lot av her.’’ “Amen to that,’’ ses Corney, “ ’tis mesilf is hopin’ he w r on’t be like the farmer in ScotSand. He was dhrivin’ home from the market, his wife seated on the back seat av the trap. In wan part av the road a shtream had to be crossed, an’, as (there was no bridge, the farmer dhrove straight through it. Whin about half way across he heard a splash, but not mindin’ it he proceeded on his way. ! A little further on he met a neighnour who axed in a casual way how the wife .was. The farmer replied that his
wife was behind him, an’ he hoped in the besht’ av health, but bein’ informed by his neighbour that his wife was' not there, he answered, 'Good gracious ! that maun hae been the splash !’ 44 4 4 Angus McGregor lukt in on Easter Monday night to till me that he had been down to the Bluff to see his namesake, Mr James McGregor, ‘av Pipe Band fame, lavin’ for Bonnie Scotland. “Man, Denis,’-’ ses he, “he wie as prood as Punch wij’ the Pipe Band escortin’ him doon the wharf, for a’ the war!’ like, a HiTand cheftain an' a’ his clan. Ye talk about regatta day—it was naething lae the crood that' saw oor Wee MoCgregor tae the steamer. Why, naeboly could move till Johnny Martin cam' along wi’ his horse draggin’ a string o' trucks. That made a bit clearin’ for a while. Eh, man, but it wis a graun sicht, an’ the cheerin’ an’ the wavin’ was something tae remember, an’ when the boat got awa’ an’ we saw the last o’ Macgregor wi’ his face beamin’ wi’ guid fellowship, the pipers made the port lively wi’ thj skirl o’ the pipes till train time, an’ forbye there wis a whecn bit whisky an’ a great gatherin’ o’ the clans, an’ a lot o’ weepin’ an’ wailin at the loss o’ oor held man.’’ 4> 4 4 4 “ ’Tis the fine shtory Macgregor’ll have to shpin whin he comes back,’’ ses Katie. “Ho will that,’’ ses I, “Cor he’s a fine companionable jk;ind av a man, an’ he’ll make tire rnosht av ivirywan he meets. He won’t be like the chap that cut ivirybody short. Well, a negro met him wan day, an’ ses he —‘Hullo, stranger, you appear to be travelling ?’ .‘Yes, I always 1 travel when on a journey.’ T tink I hab seen you somewhere ?’ ‘Berry likely ; I hab often been dar.' ‘And pray, what might your name be ?’ ‘lt might be Sam Pitch, but it isn’t.’ ‘Have you been long in these parts ?’ ‘Nehev any longer dan now —live feet six.’ ‘Where did you come from ?’ ‘Whore I started from.' ‘Oh, well, when will you be here again ?’ •‘.Why, when I come back.’- ‘Do you eber get anything new ?’ ‘YeM, I Just bought a new whetstone.’ ‘ I tought so ; you arc de sharpest blade I’ve seen on dis road.’ ” 44 4 4 Bedalia was ;n a grate shtate on Widaesday because there were two or three more weddin’s that day, an’ in the evenin’ ’twas the long debate we had on the subject av matrimony. Bedalia an’ Corney got arguin' about fove songs an’ suchlike, an’ Bedalia recited wan av Mr Kinross’s poems to wan av his gyruls, an’ Corney—not to be outdone, gave us another by somewan called Allingham, an’ we all agreed that it was nearly up to Mr Kinross’s shtandard. Perhaps ye’d like to read it. It wint like this : LOVELY MARY DONNELLY.
Oh, lovely Mary Donnelly, my joy, my only best ! If fifty girls were round you I’d hardly see the rest ; Be what it may the time o’ day, the place be where it will. Sweet looks o’ Mary Donnelly, they bloom before me still.
Her eyes like mountain water that’s Rowing on a rock,
How clear they are, how dark they are ! they give me many a shock; Red rowans warm in sunshine and wetted with a shower, Could ne’er express the charming lip that has me in its pow’r.
Her nose is straight and handsome, her eyebrows lifted up ; Her chin is very neat and pert, and smooth like a china cup ; Her hair’s the brag of Ireland, so weighty and so fine ; It’s rolling down upon laer neck, and gathered in a twine.
The dance o’ last Whit-Monday night exceeded all before ; No pretty girl for miles about was missing from the floor ; But Mary kept the belt o’ love, and O but she was gay ! She danced a jig, she sung a song, that took my heart away !
When she stood up for dancing, her steps were so complete, The music nearly killed itself to listen to her feet ; The fiddler moaned his blindness, he heard her so much praised. But blessvd his luck to not be deaf when one." her voice was raised.
And evermore I'm whistling or lilting what you sung, Your smile is always in my heart, your name beside my tongue ; But you’ve as many sweethearts as you’d count on both your hands. And for myself there’s not a thumb or little finger stands.
’Tis you’re the flower o 1 * womankind in country or in town ! The higher I exalt you, the lower I’m cast down. If some great lord should come this way and see your beauty bright, And you to be his lady, I’d own it was but right.
O might we live together in a lofty palace hall, Where joyful music rises, and where scarlet curtains fall ! O might we live together in a cottage mean and small, With sods o’ grass the only roof, and mud the only wall !
O lovely Mary Donnelly, your beauty’s my distress ! It’s far too beauteous to bo mine, but I'll never wish it less. The proudest place would fit your face, and I am poor and low ; But blessings be about you, dear, wherever you may g-o !
We were all greatly interested in readin’ about a man named Donald McDonald, alias Murphy, that was committed for trial by the magistrate this week for false pretinces. It seems that the chap goes about the counthry pretindin’ to buy large properties, while he had no funds whativir to carry out his negotiations. In September av 1905, he caused quite a sensation by givin' orders for farmin’ implemints to a number av firms, to be delivered to a farm at Limehills, which turned out to be imaginary. At Queenstown he pretinded to have bought property worth thousands av pounds at the head av the lake, an’ he even wint the lingth av retainin' wan av the Queenstown solicitors, payin’ him a cheque for £lO, which aftherw'ards turned out
to be valueless. He also gave a cheque for a substantial amount, to Mr Mcßride, but it was worthless at at the bank.
' “Well,” ses I, “ the man’s a fool to go to all that throuble to make money. Begorra, if I w 7 anted to raise the wind, I’d thry a betther plan than that.” “What w 7 ud ye be afther doin’, dad ?” ses Corney. “That’s easily answered,” ses I, “sure, somewan has siht me an illigant little pamphlet by me frind Mr Michie, the metaphysician, on the subject av mental healin’, an’ hq tills how 7 ye can get w r hativir ye wanJtj as aisy as failin’ aft' a log.” “That rounds interestin’,” ses Katie. “How. does he make it out ?” “Why,”- ses I, ‘‘this is what he ses—“Retire to a room where you wall not be disfturbed, sit or lie dow r n in an easy position, and relax all the muscles, and become passive, centre the mind on the solar plexus—(whativir that is, Mr Editor !) —and hold the thought or thoughts of power, health, or WHATEVER YOU DESIRE TO OBTAIN, strongly before the mind, affirming to yourself again and again those qualities. you desire to cultivate. Take fifteen or twenty minutes for this exercise two or three times a day. Don’t give up if you don’t notice a difference in a day or a week, 3*eep at it, and if you fulfil the conditions you must succeed —nothing, can prevent you.’t 4- •£ 4- 4-
‘•‘I’ll howld ye now,” ses Bedalia, ‘‘that if ye end luk into Mr Scand-. rett’s or Mr Stead’s ye’d find thim sittin’ in a room an’ thinkin’ about the mayoral eliction, an’ ache hopin’he’ll be at the top av the poll.” ‘‘Well,” ses I, ‘‘l don’t know what Mr Stead’s doin’, but Mr Scandrett’g not satisfied wid centrein’ his mind on the solar plexus, for he’s been afther sendin’ circulars to iviry' ratepayer in town.” “He nivir leaves annything to chance,” ses Katie, ‘‘like the sinsible man he is. ses Bedalia, “if all candidates for affice cud be persuaded to shtay in their rooms in a passive shtate an’ sayin’ nothin’, ’tis the peaceful times we’d bt havin’ at the dictions.” “Yea,” ses I, “whin I hear ye talkin’like that it reminds me av the bhoy; at school. ‘Can you tell me the meaning of the word peace’ ?’ axed Miss Gray av a little bhoy who had jusht recited a patriotic poem in in which the word occurred, ‘Peace means when' you ain’t -got no children,’ answered the child. ‘How is that ?’ asked Miss Gray. ‘When my mother has washed and -dressed us six children for school in the morning, she says : Now I’ll have peace.’- ” We’ve all had a grate scare over the railway accident at Rakaia, an’* Katie vows she’ll give the railways the go-by in future. I towld her that railway trains were the safest places, in the world to be in, but she said that ivirywan was wilcome to hen place in thim. Cornev ses we musht thry to be like the " Irishman, an' take warnin’ in time. Ye see, he tusk’ a dhrop too much at times, an’ his mashter, a doctor, used to read out for him iviry dreadful shtory that appeared about drink in the papers, Wan day he came across an account av an ould woman who had so saturated herself with alcohol that whin bl owin’ out a candle her breath tuk fire. The doctor thouight this wud prove mosht efficacious as a deterrent, an’ accordingly he read it aloud. Whin he had finished, ses he ; ‘Now, I hope this dreadful story will be a warning to you. You see your-, self what might happen if you keep, on drinking, as unfortunately you do now/ ‘Oh, faith, it will be a warnin’, sir,’ was the man’s reply. TTI nivir again blow out the- candle ! I nivir thought of such a thing befallin’ me !’ ” DENIS.
The Contributor., Southern Cross, Volume 14, Issue 52, 6 April 1907
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