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The Contributor.

DENIS DISCOURSES.

Dear Mr Editor, —Ivirywan’s talkin' this wake about the grate Otway case. Ye see, there’s two brothers in town, both called Otway. The Avan’s Caesar, an’ the other's Arthur. That’s the only difference betwane the two, for they’re as like ache other as two peas. Well, Caesar was had up at the coort, an’ fined for ridin’ a bicycle on the futpath at Gladstone in front av Constable Scandrett an’ two other min. He said it was his brother, but he didn't bother himsilf much about the affair, an’ was lined. 4- + That was Act No. wan. Thin Mr Raymond, the solicitor, came on the scene, sayin’ that it was Arthur that rode on the futpath, an’ not Caesar, an’ the magistrate fixed a day for a re-hearin’, but ie tuk two days to unravel the tangle, an’ wnin Mr Arthur Otway an’ his wife, an’ two or three others swore ’twas Arthur, the magistrate came to the conclusion the prosecution had made a mishtake an' reversed his decision. "s’■ "Well,” ses Corney, “I’m thinkin’ Caesar ’ud sooner have left things as they were, for ye nivir saw the like av the way Inshpector Mitchell cross-examined him. He had him in the box three hours, an’ got him to say what he was doin’ iviry minnit av the day an’ night. Thin whin he was done he tackled Mr Raymond an’ wanted to know why he shmiled. Mr Raymond towld him the shmile was his own, an’ protected by letthers patent, an’ thin the magistrate got down into the fight, an’ towdd Mr Raymond he’d not allow- him to rule the coort.- So, altogether the case was as lively as Donn.vbrook at times, an’ they do be savin’ that we’ll hear more about it yet.”- / "4“ “Well,” ses Katie, “l’,d like to have been in the coort.” “Sure,” ses Bedalia, “I’d give a good dale to know' what the parties think av ache other.” “I don’t know,” ses 1, “but I know' w-hat Inshpector Mitchell’s favourite song’ll be afther this.” “What ?” ses Katie. “His bright smile haunts me still,” ses I. “Yes,” ses Bedalia, “an’ I fancy I can hear Mr Caesar warblin' ’Och, I’m not mcsilf at all, Scandrett, dear,’ an’ if he’s encored he’ll sing the ould song that w'e used to have at the entertainments av the Lynch bellringers—‘You look on him, you gaze on me.’ “But ye mushtn’t forget Mr McCarthy,” ses Corney. “Sure,” ses I, “he’ll give Mr Raymond a fine renderin’ av the ould favourite—‘l'm monarch of all I survey—my law there is none to dispute,’ As for Mr Raymond, he’s goln’ to write a play for the openin’ av the bridge across the Estuary. ’Twill be called the ‘Comedy av Errors ; or how to prove an alibi.’ ” “Well,” ses Corney, “we have fixed ivirybody up exceptin’ Canshtablc Scandrett.” “Sure,” ses I. ‘‘he’ll be thinkin’ after the decision av the coort that he’s like the Irishman that met a frind, an’ ses he — ‘I saw Pat Ryan on the other side av the W'ay. I thought it ,w T as Pat,

an’ Pat thought it was me, an’ whin we came up it was neither av us.' «$- «$-

“At anny rate,” ses Bedalia, “ ye can’t deny that Mr Scandrett’s a dacint man an’ an energetic man to boot.” “He’s all that,” ses I, “an' I’m towld the Gladstone an’ Avenal Councils are blessin’ him for the way he’s increasin’ the rivinue by manes av fines'. Av coorse, the moral av the whole thing is that ye shud nivir be sure av annything in this world. If ye are, ye’re liable to make the same mishtake as the dochtor. Ye sec, there was a railway accident an’ wan av the victims, after havin’ lain some time unattended to. was picked up an’ carried to a waitin’ room until the arrival av the dochtors to officially pronounce upon his condition. By an’ by a surgeon bustled in, lukt at his prostrate form an' pallid face, an’ then said ; ‘That poor fellow- is done for, I’m afraid.’ Thin he knelt down, lifted up an eyelid, an’ saw a dull, expressionless orb. ‘Yes, he's dead, sure enough. Take him away !’ ses the doctor. No sooner had he spoken, however, than the supposed corpse suddenly began to move its lips. The startled surgeon lishtenod, an' this is what ho heard : ‘You idiot ; that’s my glass eye !’ ” Somewan sinds me the followin’ lines in the hope that I’ll discuss the land question : Whin they've shtamped the counlhry through. Whin they’ve nothing more to say. Thin the freehold an’ the leasehold, Will “pay, pay, pay !” Whin McNab has shtruck conviction Into iviry farmer’s sowl. Whin Findlay has coerced thim Wid a legal freezin’ scowl. Thin the bloke what tills the freehold An’ the cuss what pays the rint. Though both agree to differ—(’Tis a law' by Heaven sint !■) They’ve a privilege in common That can’t be tuk aw-ay— Whatever fate befalls the “Bill.“ Thev “pav, par, pay !” + 4- 4- 4Well, Mr Editor, I’ll not thry to solve the problem—’twud be cruel to anticipate Mr McNab. Anny way, if the farmers- have to pay, they can w-ell afford it, for they’re the mosht prosperous class av paple in New Zealand at this minnit. Besides, if I thried to advise Mr McNab, it 'ud ind like Katie's attimpt to write some household hints for the ‘Cross.’ This is how she did it : To economise coal. —Burn wood, or get a gas shtove. Shtains on China may be removed by rubbin’ thim alf.

Gas globes shud nivir be dropped on the fluro ; they are liable to get cracked.

To scale fish. —Put thim on the opposite side to which ye put the weights. Afther peelin’ apples put thim in yer mouth ; this w-ill prevint thim beoomin’ discoloured.

To clean kid gloves. —Rub thim well wid btnzoline, an’ howld thim in front av the fire to dry ; they will nivir want cleanin’ again. To keep your pots an’ pans clean — Don’t use thim, but visit your relash tudyin’ economy an’ cleanliness at the same time.

Orange an’ limon peel, especially the former are good for flavourin’. Shprinkle some on the pavemint, an’ the flavour av the language av the risin’ gineration will be decidedly rich. 4" “O' 4* Av coorse I wint to the Irish shports, an' got a chance to use the brogue on some av me esteemed frinds from the counthry, an’ while there I came across Mr Westcott the dealer, an’ had a long chat wid him. He was quite down in the mouth, poor chap, for he ses he met Mr Martin Metzger drivin’ “boilers” through West Plains lasht wake in a fine new white motor car. Tom ses ho will have to give up the business an’ sell his dogs that can turn boilers into prime New Zealand, an’ ses he will put his whip away, as he can.t compete wid men in motors. He’s goin’ to see young Mr Curran about buyin' the balance av his stock on hand. “He’ll find Mr Curran a good man av business,”- ses Bedalia. “He will,” ses I, “there’s no sentimint about him—he's not like the sailor who wanted to marry a sweet young widow, an’ didn’t like to pop the question straight out, so this was how he put it—‘Kate,’ ses he, ‘your boat is drifting down the sea of life, with no strong hand to steer it safely past the rocks. May I be your captain, and sail it for you ?’ ‘No, Jack, I will be the captain,’ sge said wid a blush, ‘but you may be my second mate if you like. An’ the banns were published, t 4- 4- 4- 4-

Av all the quare things I rvir heard, Mr Editor, the quarest is the report that some av the spiritualists are havin’ a talk wid the spirit av the late Mr Seddon, an’ whin they axed him .what kind av a memorial he wild like, he towld thim he’d like a home for incurables. “Sure,” ses Katie. “ there’s nothin' shtrango about a wish av that kind—it jusht shows Mr Seddon’s kindness av heart. Haven’t they been makin’ a mess av things ivir since he died ? Didn’t they throw out his reciprocity treaty ? Haven’t they called labour min to the Upper House, an’ made a laffin’ shtock av the labour laws, an’ allowed shtrikes to take place at the very time Sir J. (1. Ward has gone Home to advertise the. colony. An' lots more, but I’ve said enough to show that there’s lots av paplc qualifying to go into a home for incurables.” “Aisy, Katie, aisy,” ses T, “sure ye let your tongue run away wid ye—ye don’t give me a chance to talk at all, at all. Ye are like the wife av the man that died. A clergyman was engaged to offer a eulogy. This w r orthy minishter prepared a sermon av exceedin’ lingth an’ strength, an’ jusht before he entered the parlour to deliver it he thought it might be advisable to learn what the dead man’s lash I words wore. So he turned to wan av the weepin’ younger sons, an’ axed : ‘My boy, can you tell me your father’s last words ?’ 'He didn’t have none,’ the boy replied. ‘Ma was with him to the end.’ 4- -$■ Me ould frind, Capt. Fahey, av Otautau, was unable to exhibit at the show this time, an’ advised me that the thrain cud not carry his cabbage, owin’ to the loads av mush-

rooms that are cornin’ in to "Honest 1 John’’ Kingsland’s to make "Catchups." But whin he heard the authorities wudn’t take it on tne thrain he wired to our ouM frind Tim, at Orepuki, an’ he got a lovely sample down, but wid the throuble av getting it to the show an’ wan thing an’ another it was outclassed entirely, but we hope for betther luck nixt time. •$- My word, Mr Editor, ye missed a grand show. The firsht man I met was called Sampson, an’ wud ye believe it, he’s the Sampson av ould* an’ by the way he an’ his family tuk prizes the present Sampsons are a marvel —their strength lies in bakin’ prizes. «s>I was wanderin’ round lukin at the exhibits whin who shud tread on the tail av me coat but our ould frind. Mr Kelly, ex- M.H.R. "Well, Denis,” ses he, "I’m pleased to meet you, and the only thing I’m sorry for is the wire netting round the fruit, especially the grapes." "Cheer up,” sea I, "but what are ye can-yin’ yer hat in yer hand for ?” "Well, it’s this way, Denis—l came here to see the show, and it's so hot, and I’ve had to raise my hat to so many lady admirers that I thought I could save my hat and cool my head," ses Mr Kelly. "But that reminds me,” continued Mr Kelly, "of the yarn I heard in Gore about one of Invercargill’s auctioneersI—your 1 —your ould townie Mr J. A. Mitchell. You see, he was selling horses, and a dealer came and told him that a horse he had entered for sale had lost his tail through the act of some spiteful person, and it would spoil the sale of the animal‘Then,’ said J.A.M., 'you must sell him wholesale.’ ‘Wholesale!’ said the dealer. ‘What do you mean ?’ ‘Because you can’t re-tail him,’- said Johnny, with a merry twinkle in his eye.” 4- "$■ I thought I’d done wid rows for wad wake, whin Katie shtarted to till me that there was throuble on in the Presbyterian church at Otautau.; Katie wudn’t. till me the names av tlhe paple concerned, but she says the row began through a number av the congregation puttin’ vases full av flowers on the pulpit. Iviry time she did it another lady walked up* an’pitched the flowers out, so what did No. 1 lady do but fashten the vase to the pulpit wid wire, an’ whin No.' ‘j, caught ho wid av wan av the vases wid a jerk the wather flew out, an’ the vase was broken. Thin the minishter was dragged into the throuble, an’ Katie’s frind says no wan rightly knows how the thing’ll ind. 4- 4- ♦

"That’s a nice kettle av flounders, Denis,” ses Katie. "It's all that,” ses I, "an’ it’ll puzzle the parson to settle it. He’ll he nearly as worried as Sandy McPherson, whin he put haif a crown in ’The collection plate in- miahtake for a penny. He expanded a grate deal av thought as to the hesht way av adjustin’ matthers. 'Noo,’ he soliloquised, T ken whit I’ll dae. I’ll stay awa’ frae the kirk till the sum is made up ; hut on the other haun I wad be payin’ pew rent a’ the time an’ gettin’ nae guidi o’t. Losh ! But I’m thinkin’ tnis is whit the meenister ca’s a religious difficulty.’ ” DENIS.

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Permanent link to this item

https://paperspast.natlib.govt.nz/newspapers/SOCR19070316.2.10

Bibliographic details

The Contributor., Southern Cross, Volume 14, Issue 51, 16 March 1907

Word Count
2,168

The Contributor. Southern Cross, Volume 14, Issue 51, 16 March 1907

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