AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, 17 February 1915, Page 7

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

A Socialist. —Enter the nurse

"Please, 'm, will you come in and speak to Master Willie? He won't let me .bathe him. fie says he's a Socialist."

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A Marine Character.— ."He should be quite at home by the sea-shore."

"Yes; he has sandy hair, watery eyes, and plenty of 'rocks,' and, moreover, thinks himself the only pebble on the

beach."

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Pretty Tough— "Pretty tO ugh about old Spender, wasn't it?" asked the Grouch.

"What happened to him?" asked the Boob.

"He' got so far behind in his room rent that he had to marry his landlady," replied the Grouch.

Then as Now —Apollo had proposed taking Venus to the Olympian games.

"How long will it take you to get ready?" he asked.

"About ten minutes," Venus answer-

"By thunder!" muttered Apollo, after waiting half an hour. "When she has only to twist up her hair!"

•.** • c » Uncle Fogy's Philosophy Every circus has the biggest elephant. A white vest and an "Hon." very seldom are.

An autobiography is what a biography ought to be. '

When the flies give out, there will be other things left to swat. Joy riders are not,found careering along the straight and narrow way.

True to His Principles.— A sew-comer to Idaho from the strictly Prohibition State of Kansas, had the misfortune one wintry day to fall into the rapids of a swift-running river, when the thermometer stood several degrees below zero. He was saved with difficulty, and his clothes became a rattling sheath of ice before his rescuers could get him to the nearest saloon.

"What'U you have, Dan?" inquired the "bar-keep" solicitously.

The Kansas opened his eyes ami answered, weakly, "Guess I'll take a glass of lemonade."

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Somewhat Changed.— A colored man called at Mrs. Baxley's, looking for work.

"What is your name?" she asked, after hiring him.

"Mah name is Poe, ma'am," was the

answer

"Poe! f> she exclaimed. "Perhaps some of your family worked for Edgar Allan Poe; did they?"

The colored man opened his eyes wide with astonishment.

"Why—why, ma'am," as he pointed a dusky finger at himself—"why, Ah am Edgar Allan Poe!"

Tender-hearted. —One day I was in a country store when a sweet little four-year-old girl came toddling in and bought a nickel's worth of candy. A little kitten rubbed against her leg and purred. She laid her candy down on a box to play with the kitten. When she tired of play, she went to get her candy. But it was gone. Someone had stolen it; Her little face became sad. Something seemed to choke her. Big tears welled up in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. Poor little thing! I felt so sorry for her that I gave half a stick of it back to her!

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Trite Tattle.— Gout kills some men inch by inch • others, foot by foot.

A bigamist makes his bed and tries

to lie out of it

Marriage has its compensation—it is the first step to divorce.

An ideal place for an oculist's office is a site for sore eyes.

Many a man has nothing to say and spends a lifetime saying it.

The best way to keep remembei'ed by some people is to owe them money.

Some men get a reputation and keep it ; others get a reputation and make it keep them.

Time and tide wait for no man, but the wonmn who has the time and wants to be tied does.

Many things are not so good as we expect, but they are the things we don't expect will' be.

"Cerrcs."—Having condemned and torn down an old rookery because it was unsanitary, and being sued by the irate owner, the authorities of a North. Carolina city were compelled to prove in court their claim that the public health required the removal of tho shack. One of their witnesses was a small, consequential person, who served as a sort of combination janitor, special policeman and jailer at the city hall and had acquired a variety of misinformation at the health department.

The witness, much pleased with his role, glibly testified that when j:he house was torn down, he "saw lots of germf and bacilluses" there.

The lawyer for the house owner demanded to know how the witness could be so uositive as to the presence o£

germs invisible to the naked eye. "Did you detect them microscopically?" asked he.

The janitor-scientist seemed a trifle embarrassed. "Well," admitted he, "1 ain't what you might say a legal detective, for all I has helped the reg'lar detective; but I'm a special police. But they wuzzent no need of no detective. I seen them germs just aswarmin' round, big and little, a helterskelter, thousands of 'em. Common people call 'em water bugs and roadies and sich, but up to the health office we call 'em germs." - The verdict was given against ,the '■ city. 264