Wise and Otherwise

Rodney and Otamatea Times, Waitemata and Kaipara Gazette, 23 August 1911, Page 3

Wise and Otherwise

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The Tailor .- «I ; c^n't make you Another suit until you for the last." The Customer: '^Great Scott! f\ can't wait that long." ;v

Sunday School Superintendent: "Elsie, can you tell me anything about epistles?" Little Elsie: "I" guess they were the wives of the apostles." * ' • • ■■.«""■

Customer.—Are you sure this is real Ceylon tea ? Well-informed Young Assistant.—Certainly, sir. Mr. Ceylon's name is on every package."

Gertie.—l want to give my sweetheart a surprise on his birthday. Can you suggest something? Arabel.—Well, you might tell him your age. * * #■-"#

Church.—Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you what you are. Gotham. —Well, I eat hash at Nixum's restaurant. Church—Then you're a fool!

"Post committed suicide because he was overworked." "Pooh! He could not have been so very busy or he wouldn't have found time to do it."

Wife: "Is there any difference between a fort and a fortress?" Husband: "Not much, except, of course, that a fortress must be harder to silence!"

A .little girl was stroking the beak of a parrot, when the ill-natured bird bit her. "Oh dear!" she cried; "I thought it was a nose, and it's a tooth!" * ' » ♦ # * Stranger (after an examination): "Well, doctor, what do you think? Have I the gout?" Great Physician: "Er—what is your income?" "Two .hundred a year." No. You have a sore foot." * * ♦ » » "Dear Teacher," wrote little Johnny's mother, "kindly excuse John's absence from school yesterday afternoon, as he fell in the mud. By doing the same, you will greatly oblige his mother." * * ♦ * # Mrs. Tibbs: "Oh, John, as you pass the stores will you order me one pound. of butter, one pound of sausages, and a gallon of oil?" Mr. Tibbs: "All those greasy things are sure to slip my memory." * * * ♦ * Hubby: "We must be economical M Wife: "Why?" Hubby: "If I should die I wouldn't be able to leave you much." Wife: "That's right. Whereas, while you're alive, you leave me most of the time."

Mrs. Dashaway: "Yes, while we were in Egypt we visited the Pyramids. They were literally covered with hieroglyphics." Mrs. Newrich: "Ugh! Wasn't you afraid some of 'em would git on you?" • ••*«.

Owlett: "I had an awful time thinking up an excuse to give my wife when I got home from the club last night.'1 Ascum: "Did she demand one?" Owlett: "Of course; I got home so early it piqued her curiosity."

Mother (to bedraggled little daughter) : "Good heavens, child, where have you been?" Child: "Bobby and I tumbled into the pond." Mother: "But where's poor Bobby?" Child,----"Oh! I expect he's out by now."

Chair Attendant (politely) : "Threepence for the 'ire of the chairs, please." Very Large Man (seated in empty row of very small chairs): "Threepence! I thought they were a penny!" "Thais' right, sir—a penny each."

"Why do you consider women superior to men in intelligence?" "A bald-headed man buys hair restorer by the quart, doesn't he?" "Er—yes." "Well, a woman doesn't waste time on a hair restorer—she buys hair."

P.C. Trapper: "Stop! you've exceeded the limit. 37 Chauffeur: "All right, old man. What's the weather going to be?" P.C. Trapper: "What do you mean?" Chauffeur: "Is it going- to be a 'wet' or a 'fine'?" • .*. • ■ * * "The funeral sermon was simply full of "paregorics' on the deceased," remarked Mrs. Malaprop. " 'Panegyrics,' my dear," corrected Miss Straitlace. - "It doesn't matter," retorted Mrs. M;, "the words are anonymous." • • • • • "Haven't you forgotten something-, sir?" hinted the waiter insolently, as the guest was leaving the table. "Ah, yes, thanks, I believe I have," and the guest took a shilling from under his plate, and, with a smile, put it back in his pocket. .. - ■ ■• * • '. * * "You say that you have invented a new kind of auto that is bound to make a hit?" "I -say it is bound to make a hit with young people." "What is its special recommendaton?" "Itcan be driven and steered entirely with the feet, leaving both arms free." 82