NOTHING SERIOUS.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 29, Issue 39, 22 May 1917, Page 2

NOTHING SERIOUS.

GETTING EVEN,

Into a smart garage strolled 4 wealthy hut plainly-dressed farmer, After some Conversation, he began inspecting motor-cars. “I’ll take that one,” he said at length, indicating a luxurious vehicle worth eight hundred pounds. The salesman beamed, and burned oil to settle the deal. “Now, show me how to drive, commanded the purchaser. They started out, and spun merrily away out into the country. All went well Until they overtook a cart in a narrow lane. The salesman worked the horn frantically, but the driver of the cart heeded not, “Look here,” said the farmer quietly, "this is my car, ain’t it ?” “Yes, sir f ” said the i.aleaman. : “And I’ve paid for it?” “Yes.” "Then drive right into that blockhead’s cart !” ordered the farmer. “That’s the way motorists always treat me !’’

MAKING IT PAY. i Some time ago, a company of theatricals stopped in a small town for one night only. The play was a wretched one, and the audience became restless. Eggs, potatoes, and onions were rained upon the stage. Still the performance continued. Ths hero raved through *his speeches, dodging an onion or an egg every other minute. But finally a member of the gallery let go a heavy boot, and the actor, thoroughly alarmed, started to retreat. “Keep on playing, you fool,” hissed the manager from the wings, as be hooked in the boot with an umbrella. “Keep on till w« get th< other one.’* j ALL CORRECT. ! An antiseptic, baby lived on antiseptic milk ; His clothes were antiseptic, made of antiseptic 'Bilk., In antiseptic carriages h* rode, with time to spare ; He had an antiseptic nnres, braath*»l antiseptic air. And though upon this wnwSasrt

he did not long abide. They placed him in an aetlsvj’tic c-rt-&n when he died.

HOST BTBHKI*G

4 jrivrte who bad fought with conspicuo'vs bravery obtained, his discharge on the grounds of ill health rnd cd the service of & lady.

''no b*y his mistress wa< talking to Viii about his military career, and asked him, “In all your expc-ieac* iu the war what ’*as it that, struck you most ?” ' After some cogitation he answered—- “ Well, ma’am, the thing that struck me mo#t was the number oi bullets tnat missed nsaa !“ TAKING NO CHANCES. ! Pat OTloolaii’s principal failing wap a liking for w’h.sky, and mlm«r ous effort-J had been made to rcioirfl him. One day thii local priest decided to high ten him into the ranks of teetotalers. “Patrick,” he said, sternly. I warn you that the neat glass of whisky .you drink will at once transform you from a man into a mouse !’ “Do yez mane to say, yor riverenCe, sir,” asked Pat, in horror, “that Oi will change into a mouse if Oi drink any more whisky ?” “You will ! ” cried the priest, hiding a smile. Pat at once put on his hat and coat. “Ah !" exelaimtd. the -everend gentleman. “Going Lo sign the pledge, eh it” , ’ “No, sorr,” replied Pat. “Oi’m going to drown the cat ! ’ OF MORE IMPORTANCE. A certain contractor who was noted, for his meanness undertook tbo widening of a northern railway, During the progress of the work news reached him ’of a serious landslip. Hastening to the spot he found that a huge mass of the embankment had, fallen into a newly-formed cutting, and all was confusion. The cry Count the men !’* “Count the men be hanged,” cried the thrifty contractor, “count tb« wheelbarrows !’’ “TRIFLING MATTERS." ■ Mrs. Smith had recently moved into the neighbourhood. “I thought 1 would come and tell you that your James has been fighting with my Edward,” said one of the neighbours one morning as she called at Mrs. Smith’s door, “and settle the matter if I could.” “Well, for ray part,” responded Mrs. Smith haughtily. “I have no time to enter into any discussion about the children’s quarrels. I consider myself a' j.'c- such trifling things.” x “I’m delighted to hear it,” was the reply. “I’ll send Janies over on a stretcher in an hour or two.” A MILD REBUFF. “I never was rebuffed-in so pleasant a way as on ray last journey, * remarked a commercial traveller lately. ( “1 was just about to enter an office when I saw a staircase with a sign. ‘This way for commercial travellers.’ I supposed the stairs led to the counting-house, so went up and found myself in a long hall, with walls where pointing boards directed the way. I passed through the hall and came to a staircase leading down as another board pointed. L descended, and opening the door at the lowest step, found T was its tha, street again !” 1

Some men measare their fan hr ttrt j amount of suffering they wdare aoxt fnnrniße-