NOTHING SERIOUS.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 29, Issue 35, 8 May 1917, Page 2

NOTHING SERIOUS.

A fashionably-attired lady entered the offices of the local paper.

“I want to advertise for a man," she exclaimed to the counter clerk. "Would you please put your request in writing ?” he returned. So the lady wrote ; "Wanted a man to carry coals, keep up the fires, shovel the snow, mow the lawn, tend the flowers, mind the children, run errands, be always about the place, willing to he called upon for any kind of hard work, sober and reliable, of good appearance, not over 30, and content with a little pocketmoney.” The clerk read it over, and then handed it hack. “Sorry, madam,” he commented "but we cannot accept matrimonial advertisements !” “You charge far too much for this mixture," said the lady to the chemist. “I understand there is nothing but so-and-so in it,” mentioning several ingredients. "But madam,” replied the chemist, "you have left out the most important item !” “And’ what is that pray ?” “Men’s brains, madam !” “Why, Jimmie, is it true that yon gave little Bobbie a black eye ?” asked the schoolmistress.

“Y-yes, mum,” answered the truthfully inclined Jimmie. “What excuse have you for such a brutal act ?” "W-Well, he provoked me.” “How did he provoke you ?” ‘‘He hit me back.”

An assistant in a clothier’s shop, on seeing a hoy come up to the counter, said : “Well, my boy, what can I get for you ?”

“Er, faver said, ‘Would yer give ’im some paterns of clorfs ?” “Certainly, my boy,’’ said the assistant. “What kind of clothe does your father want ?” “It don’t matter what, kind they are ; he only wants to nail the creeper up on the wall.”

Modern Fairy : “Which do you choose for your son, wealth or wisdom ?" Young Mother ; “Wisdom. With wisdom he can obtain wealth ; but with wealth he cannot obtain wl*dom.” ■' Fairy : “Sounds well : but -have your way." Forty years later, he was teiailier with science, art, literature, geography, history, etc., and could speak, ten languages ; but for a living he was writing a biography of Mr. Fatpurse, the great sausage mafcor ! ,

Mary, a small l?nt up-to-date maiden, had been to tea for the Urst time with the new neighbours next door. And, from all accounts, the little girl there had not been at all generous in permitting Mary to share her playthings.

“Well,” said Mary’s mother, when she heard all about it, “if anytoay had treated me like that when I wan a little girl, I would have comi straight home.” The girl of to-day shrugged hei small shoulders, as she answered :

“Umph ! Things 'have changed since your day, mother. I slapped her face and stayed.”

NOT SO GREEN. He met her one night at a reception, and asked her to go to ttu theatre with him. She accepted, and as they liked each other they went again later. Then it got to be a weekly occurrence. Finally he got tc thinking he was solid enough with her to go out between.the acts, and so he did. For several weeks he worked this; and met with no rebuff. But she was thinking a lot, even though she wasn’t saying anything. One evening she said : “Why don't you go to the smoking-room to smoke instead of going to the lobby ?”

“Is there a smoking-room inside ?V he asked.

“Of course. You always say that you are going out to smoke, and it seems so useless to have to take your hat and coat every time. And if you thought of it beforehand you could buy those cigarettes that you seem to like—the ones that smell like cloves, you know—before you come.” He is wondering if she is as innocent as it appears. THE BOY SCORED. The “fit-up” drama was in full swing, when the impassioned rankings of Theophilus Jones, the seedy hero, were interrupted by the booings of a rude urchin in the “gods.” This was an outrage that could not be allowed to go anrebnked, even in the midst of a tragedy. Pausing in his 'speech, a*d advancing to the oil lamps, 'i'Secphilns addressed his audience ; <w and gentlemen,” he hisa®*, “ftvs /**r» ago I lost a monkey, sac 1 - it h*e turned up here tfe-night in ti.» lery.”

The applause that greeted ini.< brilliant remark had hardly died away when the voice of the small boy ro«o on the air.

“What did.you do with the- organ V it asked, blandly. LEARNING MADE EASY. “I don’t know that there is much use of my keeping my school open more than a month or two each' year,” said the German pedagogue. “Why is that ?” “Our Emperor has simplified matters to such an extent that when you ask the name of the world’s greatest poet, painter, musician, general, traveller or monarch, there is only one answer to all the questions-”