NOTHING SERIOUS.

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 29, Issue 34, 4 May 1917, Page 2

NOTHING SERIOUS.

CONTENTMENT. Contentment is a beautiful thing, and it was touchingly exemplified the other day by a dweller in a new reorient al neighbourhood. His littl* ncu.t was surrounded at all parts of the compass. A gas company was on the south, chemicals were made in the east, a. glue factory perfumed the north, and a soap-boiler the west. “A trifle odoriferous—eh ?" said a pitying visitor to our friend.

“Well, yes.” he admitted, “it is a little trying i.ometimes. S«ll, there’s advantages in the arrangement. I don’t noa;l to go to the expanse of a weathercock to tell which way the wind’s blowing.”

“ONE GOOD TURN ” Phairson MacPherson was a Scotsman. Also, he was a coal nierenant. AloO, he Was in !o\c. His lassie was a cc.nmo la: am, and she knew him to be the ricr.cai, m»n in the town. But ehe wanted to be quite sure that he had come by all his money honestly before she decided to marry him. “Hoo is it that ye quote the lowest prices in the toon, and make reductions on them for yer freens, and yet ye make sich enormous profits?" she asked. “Weel, it’s this way,” explained Phairson MacPherson, in an undertone, “And ye’ll be no tollin’ anyone aboot it, will ye? Ye see, I knock off twa shillings a ton because a customer ie a freen o’ mine, and then I knock off twa hundredweight a ton because I’m a freen o’ his !” And she mairiet him sireohtway. A STORY OF yON DER GOLTZ. A capital story is told of Von Dei Goltz Pasha. It relates to the Turkish manoeuvres in 1909. A division on returning to its quarters in darkness lost its way. Suddenly the field-marshal said to his staff officer, “Bark, Imhoil Pasha, hark !” and in reply to a puzzled question he repealed, “Bark like a dog, hark as loud as you can.” So the officer, accustomed to olwy orders, started to “wouf, wouf” fortissimo. In a minute or two success was manifest. One village dog replied, and then another. , The field-marshal was delighted. “We’ve drawn him !” he exclaimed ; “that’s the village over there wo wore trying to find ; let us go to it."

GOLF LANGUAGE. He had just, come over from Franco and had just been asked to give his views on the ancient game Of golf. With much gesticulation he did so. “Ah !” he said, "your game Ol golf. Fees, I know him. You put on zt tunic so red as ze Ingloosh roslul underneath done. You strap your sack of sticks on ze \ back of a boy twice eo email as ze bag. He scraps a mud pudding io maze balance a white ball. He m«-»e three bad tries to balanco him, then wy ang ! y you call «load, *F«»r !’ “Tlmn yo’- what you call addiess za bad, and ‘m* f-i !’ your addiees is somefuinr of language to makii afraid. You strike and ze ball find himself in zo ‘boihair.’ You call aloud for ze nib larger srivk, and b°at ze ground till your partner ssy, ‘Ho ! chuck it !’ You say but, raj fri.nd, J. cxc -»e to repeat what you say. “Ah ! my friend, you are a greal nation, bet your golf g*-me gives m< what you call ze pip !”

SMART SxiOOTll'iG. "Smart shootin’ ; teat !” aaid i Yankee, as he watched a Pigeon-, shooting match at 11-ndon ; ‘ but talkin’ about g<*od snooting, the finest I ever heard of was out West. "Pete Brown was Csmng on bis location one side cf the ri cr, and Abe Johnson was doin’ ditto just opposite. '

"Somehow their lines got mixed up. Consequently, when they both felt a tng, csch ic-ckoncd he’d got & b-te "They aauled in quickly, but wven the linen v-ere taut they made a straight line across the stream, with a big fish danglin’ in the middle, Neither wornd give way. Angry vords followed, and (thos* were lawless dajs) actin' on the impulse of 11m> moment such drew bis pop-gun and let tiy, .

‘ You may n-t b«ieve it, p rhapa, whon I t«U you the v« ocity of those two bullets wa* so even an’ the sbootin’ so straight that they met in midair, and after the impact the amalgamated bullets dropped vertically down, cuttin’ the fish and the lines free.

“Pete and Abe were «o struck with the occurrence they forgot their quarrel, and went and had a cocktail together. “TLenks ! I don’t mind if I do. Dry work talking.”

A SLIGHT MIX-UP. There was two Browns in thf Tillage, both fishermen. One lost his wife, the other his boat, at about the same tim<>. The vicar’s wife called, as she supposed, upon the widower, but really upon the Brown whose boat had gone down. “I’m sorry to hear of your great loss,” she said. “Oh, it don’t much matter,” was the reply. “She was never up to much.” “Indeed,” said the surprised lady. “Yes,” continued Brown, “she was a rickety old thing. I offered her to my mate; hut he wouldn’t have her. I've had my eye on anothe* for some time.” Then the disgusted lady fled. The wealth of Australia is estimated at one thousand million pounds, and the income at two hundred milUotui