BETWEEN KISSES

Pelorus Guardian and Miners' Advocate., Volume 12, Issue 27, 5 April 1901, Page 1 (Supplement)

BETWEEN KISSES

A BACHELOR'S CONFESSION. . What is the most favourable time to see a woman in order (o compose a oharactei synopsis ? Decidedly, I think, at breakfast and daring the forenoon, As a general rule, If she looks well then, she is in good health ; if She dressef neatly, she is tidy; if she is fall of project* for a morning’s work and executes a reasonable number, she possesses mental activitj and bodily energy. Beware of the young woman who complains of being cold in the morhing, who looks sickly, who eats little, who comes down late, who appears to have dressed hastily, whc languishes a whole forenoon over a couple ol letters to an absent sister or school-fellow. No matter how bright and animated she may appear later on, avoid her. Lead hei not to your suburban villa; engage no matrimonial apartments. She will not make a good wife. She will be a bore and a slattern. The British matron has an idea that she may readily dispose /of her daughters by holding a number of odneing classes each year. You receive your card of invitation in duo course. You go, knowing that you will find the whole thing intolerable. Oh, those dull, weary dances! oh, those abominable suppers! oh, those stupid girls! oh, those dancing men! If the matron could only teach her daughter to talk cleverly, to make her aware that the latest play is not the only subject which engrosses the thoughts of her visitors, that estimable lady would, in the commercial language appropriate to these transactions, be doing a good stroke of business. Many a young fellow who is now leading a life of single blessedness would be hooked, and consequently the grumbling and economic paterfamilias would not be required to provide the funds for so many dancing lessons. 44 UNDER AND OYER. A STORY IN FIVE POSITIONS. The cold wind whistled round the house. And blow in Freddy’s teeth ; The lady’s casement was above, neath, And he stood. He sang to her a plaintive song Of love all unalloyed, ■ And said, could he but see her face He would be joyed. But she her face in terror hid, j Her silver voice was dumb, Until a chain clanked in the yard, Then was she come. For then her fears for him burst forth, She waved her lily hand ; “ Ply, Ply,” she cried. But he said “ Whatl stand,” I do not. Just then the bulldog fixed him in A raging hungry mood ; For pa had let it loose. 'Twas then stood The young man. —Richard Morton. 44 SURE TO BE APPRECIATIVE. Your mother reads a great deal.” remarked Maud. “Yes,” replied Mamie; “ she’s reading about ‘ Descent of Man ’ now.” “ I wish you would get her to lend me the book when she gets tluough with it. “Why, you wouldn’t be interested in the subject?" “Yes, I would. If there is anything 1 dearly love, its tobogganing or shooting the chutes.” 44 A HEARTLESS WRETCH. “ What is the matter Miss Elderly? ’’asked Gus de Smith, observing that the lady seemed to be suffering pain. “I’ve got such an awful toothache.” “ Toothache! Allow mo to tender my congratulations.” “You congratulate mebccause I’m in pain?” “My dear Miss Elderly, when a person of your age has any teeth at all, she should be congratulated.” * •s•4* THAT’S WHY. Mr. Moggs.—l am not what you might call a polished gentleman, but I pay be a rough diamond for all that! Miss Young.—Quite so, Mr. Moggs; that’s why I’m cutting you! 44 Tom: “ So that rich heiress refused you? Jack: Yes, but I got even with her. I married her mother. 44 He : “ Miss Emily, I—er—hem !" She (swecly): “Doyou, really ? Now, wouldn’t you like to join our sewing class.” 44 “Don’t you think Maud’s affection for athletics is a pretence ?” “No, Ido not. I know she is engaged to a whole football eleven." 44 He : “He that courts and runs away will live to c*urt another day.” She : “ But he that courts and does not wed, may find himself in court instead.” 44 An ingenious advocate of Women’s Rights maintains the superiority of the female sex on the ground that woman was a second thought—and second thoughts are best. 44 “Wo had a frightful quarrel; he told me I was no spring chicken." Shameful ! What did you say ?” Well —I told him that ho wasn’t the only canned mushroom in the market.” 44 First Guest (at grand ball): Hark! isn’t that the champagne popping in the supper room? , , Second Guest: No; I guess it’s tho young couples in the conservatory. 44 Never undertake to teach a pretty girl how to swim. She is sure to swallow at least a gallon of unpleasant-tasting water, and when ahe recovers tell all her friends just how clumsy and altogether horrid you are. 44 Hal: “ I’m going to spend my vacation at Lake Point ; they have golf links there.” Harriet: “ Golf links. What do you want with golf links ? You don’t know anything iboutgolf.” Hal; 1 ‘ I know that, but I ve got i lot of stunning shirts.” 44 “ I don’t mind Jack’s slang," said one of the girls. “Heis so clover in tho use of it," “How so?" “Why, he sent me three dozen photos of ‘famousbeauties,’ with a card on which the only words were : ‘You’re another,'" 44 A sprightly mind—He (married, of course); “You always think before you speak, don’t you ? ” She: “Yes. Why?” . Ho: “ Nothing much. I was only thinking what a chain-lightning intellect you must have to keep pace with your tongue." 44 “I understand that you said my eldest daughter was as homely as a mud fence, professor." You are quite mistaken, my dear madam. What I said was that your esteemed child reminded mo «*f a mixture of terra firma and aqua pura combined in a prat tica' boundary line/ Oh, is that all? Dine with us on Sunday, professor ?" 44 Mr. Graves (Chicago soap merchant): “ I gay, Elfrida, you’ve got to break off with that Baron Bourcrout.” Miss Graves: “ Why, p-p-papa?" Mr. Graves: “ Well, a fellow this morning told me that I won’t be any more of a baron than I am now after your marriage, and if I ain’t a-going to be a noble ye’ll *av’ ter many a man.” •w® The Facta.—Mrs. Jaggs (time, 2 a.m.) t What in the world kept you so late ? Jaggs : W-why (hie), m’ dear, jus’ as I was oomiu (hie) ’long iirsht slung know’d was held up by shix or shaven highwaymen on (h’cl dark*!) street Mrs. Jaggs : Well, it’s a good thing they happened to bo there to hold you up. You never could have done it yourself.