Editor's Wallet

Otago Witness, Issue 3958, 21 January 1930, Page 75

Editor's Wallet

GUARDIAN ANGEL. Aly mother says an angel stands Beside my bed the whole night through 11 With folded wings and folded hands, And gentle eyes of heaven's blue. I 1 So if my mother should not be s At home, if 1 awake and call. My angel will take care of me, ] So I'm never ’fraid at all! Sometimes I hear a rustling sound, s A whisper falling on the air, And something fragrant binds me round, And there are kisses on my hair. Once I awoke and thought: At last < I’ll see my angel standing by But mother laughed and held me last, ] And said, “ My darling, it is I! —Anne Campbell, in Women's Weekly. ■ “THE EARLY BIRD.” The names of famous trains, such as <( The Flying Scotsman,’’ “ ’Die Southern Belle.” and “ The Cornish Riviera,” are familiar to everyone, but how many leaders have heard of “ The Early Bird,” “ The Spud,” - “ The Feeder,” “ The Farmer’s Boy,” or ’ The Sparagras ’ ? These are some of the quaint names given to freight trains on the Great | Western Railway. Often the names are founded on the nature of the traffic, as, | for instance. “The Meat” or “The ' Biscuit"; others are founded on some personality* amongst the men connected with the train. FRIVOLOUS. “ Dad,” exclaimed the farmer's eager young son. “ a circus comes to the village to-day. Will you give me a shilling to go and see it? ” " I will not,” replied the farmer. A shilling to go and see the circus, when only a few weeks ago I let you go in the pouring rain to the top of the hill to see the eclipse of the sun! Do you think that life is one perpetual round of pleasure? ” NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Mrs Newlywed: “Will you try some of my angel cake? ” Mr Newlywed: “No thank you. Mrs Newlywed (pouting) : “Why, are you afraid it isn’t good enough? ” Mr Newlywed: “No, I’m afraid Im not good enough, my love.” ( Mrs Newlywed (eagerly): “Good enough for what, clear? ’ Mr Newlywed: “Good enough to become an angel! DEPARTED. I have no chart to show me where The pearly gates may be. But I am sure she will be there To open them for me. She had no time for discontent: Her lovely years were brief. So blithe a’spirit was not meant For loneliness or grief. I would not wish her back again For life might cloud her years. She was a stranger still to pain. An alien to tears. I will not be afraid that day The mourning willows hum. Iler hand will guide me all the way, Her voice will bid me come. j -—An exchange. WHICH? Small Boy: “ Father, what arc thoiKthings on the cow’s head? ” Father: “The horns.” At that moment the animal “ moo-ed. Small Boy: “ Father, which horn did the cow blow? ” WHEN ROLLS MET ROYCE.

Nowadays the name Rolls-Royce is so famous in the world of motoring ami aviation that it is almost inconceivable that it is not a single name, but a combination of the names of two men who hadn’t even met until one day 25 years ago. At that time the Hon. C. S. Rolls was already famous in the motoring world. He had been the fourth man in England to own a motor car. and had driven it when the legal speed limit was four miles an hour. Since then he had been tireless in working for better motor cars, having many hairbreadth escapes in the process. Mr F. H. Royce was an and mechanical engineer, but he, too. was interested in cars, and he was building one at his works in Manchester. Rolls heard of this, and the two men were introduced by another motoring pioneer, the late Air Henry Edmunds. The result was the formation of Rolls-Royce. Ltd. Six vears later, in 1910, Rolls was killed while flying at Bournemouth —the first Englishman to die as the result of an aeroplane accident. THE COMFORTER. Aunt Agatha was recovering from an attack of “flu.” and was upset to have well-meaning but tactless visitors tell her how ill she still looked. Her nephew, a sympathetic little lad, ■was doing his best to comfort her. “ Don't you let ’em make you feel sorry, auntie.” lie said. “ I don t think you look a bit worse than you usually do.” THE CATS. I had a cat —a tortoiseshell. She died —and really dyed quite well. She made a muff that looks like mink: And it is curious. I think That though she no more care demands, That cat is still upon my hands.

INTERRUPTED. 1 *.T r t The little girl was crying. Her mother, to distract her thoughts, called: " Oh, come here, darling—come here and ; look at the aeroplane.” _ . The little girl ran to the window and | . staled up at the aeroplane till it dis- i ‘ appeared. Then she got out her little wet | ( handkerchief again. “Mamma, what was I crying about.' ’ she asked. THE OTHER VICTIM. “ Now, what’s your trouble? ” asked the doctor. The patient turned a weary face towards him. " I'm afraid I’ve caught insomnia.” he said. “ I can never get a wink of sleep until three o’clock in the morning.” The doctor smiled. “ But insomnia isn’t contagious," he reminded him. The patient sighed. “ It is in my case, doctor,” he replied. “You see, the baby next door has it.” THE REAL REASON. Young Harold was late for Sunday school, and the minister inquired the cause. “ I was going fishing, but father I wouldn't let me,” announced the lad. I “ That’s the right kind of father to have.” replied the good man. “ Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go? ” “Yes. sir. ’ He said there wasn’t enough bait for two.” WHAT IT WAS. Little Joyce was accustomed to hearing considerable shop talk at home, both her parents being in the advertising business. One day she brought home a text card from Sunday school. “What have you in your hand, dear? ” asked her mother. “Nothing much,” answered Joyce with a little shrug of her shoulders. “It's only an advert, about Heaven! ” , MORE THRILLING. “I’m writing a sequel to my book “ How to Live on Five Hundred a Year,” said a young author. “What do you call the sequel?” asked his friend. “How to Get the Five Hundred! ” KEEP A GOOD HEART. Keep a good heart whate'er your cares may be. For, as we say, “ Things happen worse at sea! ” And though you may be tempted to repine. Remember that to-day you're sure to dine. "While there are some poor folk compared with whom Your lot is heaven, and theirs a living tomb! It serves no purpose good to say “ I'm done! ” Are there no battles to be fought and won ? Up life's steep hill lies still man's common way. And he who balks at danger goes astray, And trouble met with a courageous mien Is apt to vanish and no more, be seen. —A. B. C., in Tit Bits. BAD COMPANY. A Scotsman arrived at a London terminus so drunk that he was changed at a ‘ local court. “ I fell into bad company,” he said, excusing himself in the dock. “What bad company?” asked the I magistrate. “ Well, your Worship,” the Scotsman replied. “ I came down from Glasgow last night with a five-noggin bottle of whisky and three teetotallers, so I had to

drink it all myself.” LITTLE BILL FINDS A TREASURE. Oh. I have found a treasure, but It's very, very-small. And some would say it really "Wasn't valuable at all. I found it near the cabbage patch, A little greeny wing. Which must have once been fastened to Some flying beetle-thing. It glimmers in the sunshine, and I'm sure it's very rare. To me it’s like a jewel, and I carry it with care. -—lrene Heath, in Women's Weekly. UNAVOIDABLE. The vicar was new to the village. At his first service he preached a vigorous sermon against betting. He was horrified afterwards when the churchwarden told him that the squire, who had been in church, was a notorious gambler. Hoping to get out of the great man’s bad books at once, the vicar made straight for the squire’s house. “ I’m afraid I must have offended you this morning,” he said, in apologetic tones. To his surprise, the squire gave a loud guffaw- and patted him on the back. “ Don’t worry about that, old man,” he replied. “ It's a mighty bad sermon that doesn't hit me somewhere.” ONE BACK. Sandy: “Do you know, I had a beard like yours once, and when I realised how it made me look I had it cut off.” Pat: “ That’s funny. I had a face like yours once, and when I realised how it made me look. 1 couldn't cut it off, but I grew - this beard.”

A ROYAL TECHNICAL SCHOOL. It is not generally know that at Sandringham exists one of the most completely equipped little technical schools in England. This was established many years ago as the result of a suggestion by Queen Alexandra, and the" school continues to bear her name. It is for the use of those employed upon the Royal Estate or working in the neighbourhood, and is very generally attended, principally by the young people of both sexes. The Queen has always taken the greatest interest in the school, and of late years has done much to improve its utility, particularly for girls and young women. Many specimens of the work of former pupils are to be found scattered through Sandringham and its grounds. One of these that always excite ■ admiration from all who see it is some very tine woodcarving that adorns the walls of the Queen's model dairy.

TOO LATE. Temperance Advocate: “ If you give up drinking beer you will live to be eighty.” Villager: “It is too late for to do that. " Temperance Advocate: “ Not at all.” Villager: “ But I am eighty-one already.” EXAGGERATING. Manufacturer: “ I admit this advertisement is well written, but I feel it would be a mistake to use it.” Publicity Expert: “But. surely, sir, it would be impossible to describe the excellencies of your product in more glowing terms? ”

Manufacturer: “ That's just it. It would only go putting ideas into our customers’ heads.”

WHAT WOMEN ARE. “ You know," says James, " what women are! ” (His favourite expression). But. as a fact, I don't at all. As here I make confession : For some of them are not too wise, And some are truly witty. And some of them arc perfect guys, And some are sweetly pretty. And some are dowdy when at home, And some are trim and natty. And some are sweet as honeycomb. Ami some are downright catty.

And one's complexion knows no flaw, And one a painted doll is. i And this is keen on Bernard Shaw, And that on Edgar Wallace! And some have got no use for men, Except, perhaps, as brothers; They make me feel so cheap, but then. Thank goodness, there are others. What women are 1 cannot toll: Some change as doth the weather, But there is one, as I know well, Worth all the rest together! —C. E. B . in Home Chat. MUCH TOO ROUGH. Little Rufus had been very naughty, and his father had been obliged to thrash him. That evening, just before he went to bed. bin mother came to his room as usual to hear him saying his prayers. “ Now, Rufus.” she said, when he had finished. “ haven't you something else to add this time? ” For a moment little Rufus looked puzzled. Then an idea came to him. He lowered his head once more. “And please.” he went on. “ don't let daddie have any more children. He doesn't know how to treat the out he’s got.” NO ENCOURAGEMENT. Man in Crowd: “Any'ow. I’m glad I didn't back the 'orse you was givin' yesterday—e comes in last." Tipster: “’Ere. 'ere. be reasonable—why should the ’orse try to win if you don’t back ’im? ” WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. The wedding party had assembled at the church. After a tedious delay the bride failed to turn up. As the guests were dispersing, one of them remarked: “ Isn’t rt deplorable? ” “ Yes,” was the reply, " it is sad that she should be missing front the altar, when she might have been altering from the miss!

NO FRIEND. Mistress: “ When I engaged you. you told me that you had no men friends. Now, almost every time I enter the kitchen I find a man there.” Sarah: “Bless, you. mum. that chap ain’t no friend of mine! ” Mistress: “ Then who is he? ” Sarah: “ My husband.” HE MUST HAVE! Sir Harry Lauder can always be relied upon for a good story against himself, thought the accuracy of some of them is open to question. Here is his latest. He was playing golf on a course which ran on both sides of a railway line. Having beaten his opponent, he gave his caddie a good tip. "When the boy returned to the caddies’ hut. the other lads asked him what Sir Harry had given him - “ Five bob.” said the boy. gleefully exhibiting two half-crowns. There was an astonished silence. Then one boy spoke up: “ Bill musta saved his life at one of them level crossin's.” SUNSHINE. The sunshine lies in golden bands Across the floor. I see the fair Light drift across her baby hands And touch her hair. But. if the day were dark with gloom, Because of this dear child of mine How brightly in this quiet room The sun would shine! —Anne Campbell, in Women’s Weekly. STOP. A: “ The doctor says I should stop eating.” B: “ Stop eating what? " A; " Seven times a day.”

POTTED WISDOM. Necessity is the mother of instalments. When a hen cackles it is laying or lying. Why commit bigamy? It's ordinary trouble doubled. Life may be a cell, but most people spell it with an " s.” A matrimonial agency is usually a maleorder business. The modern young man shows too much devotion to beauty. Every householder knows that he lives in an over-rated place. A seaside resort is a place which always lias " unusual ” weather just when we are there, and “ unusual ” means bad. OBEYED. The doctor smiled as he entered the room. “ You look much better to-day.” “ Yes. 1 followed exactly the directions on your medicine bottle." “What were they? ” “Keep the bottle tightly corked! ’’ QUITE. Air Miggs: “ Is that woman I saw you talking to a fitting associate for you? ” Airs Aliggs; "Quite fitting. She’s my dressmaker.”