FARM TERMS.

Otago Witness, Issue 3867, 24 April 1928, Page 14

FARM TERMS.

SOUTH AFRICAN SATIRE. He certainly may be an incurable pessimist who penned the following satire on South African farming conditions, still there is sufficient of the truth in them applied to New Zealand to appeal to the humorous side of readers of these columns. Though written by someone with more than a fragmentary knowledge of farming. they must not be taken, however, as a true indication of South African farm life.

Settler.—A person suffering from a peculiar form of delusion who leaves his native land with its comfortable gift of an old age pension, and comes to South Africa thinking he can make a lot of money by farming. Farm.—A conglomeration of stones, old iron, sand, snakes, pot clay, mud huts, odd bits of barbed wire, rotten wattle poles, burr weed, cut worms, blue ticks, grass taggers, kafirs, and innumerable other evils. Chiefly used as a burial ground for cattle and sheep. Another common name for it is “ A splendid pro position.” Milk Cans.—Vessels used in factories as dumb-bells, footballs, sledge hammers, musical instruments.

Branding.—The process employed by a farmer when stray cattle and sheep are found on the farm of making them his own.

Bar. —The place where last week’s, this week's, and next week’s farmin" is.done, and where all the latest information is obtained not about farmin". Overdraft.—One of the bulwarks of the country. The d : sselboom of the farming industry. The source of all fa : ry tales. (See Bank Manager.) Dipping Tank.—A large hole .half-filled with dirty water through which cattle are driven when the inspector is in the district. A few dead fields arc thrown into it to give an air of realism. An accepted cause for perjury, . false swearing, perversion, and prevarication. Implements.—Playthings provided for kafirs. When an unbreakable implement is invented the kafir race will become extinct owing to race suicide through breaking their own hearts. Mealies. —An ornamental plant grown by farmers to feed cut worms, top borers, neighbours’ cattle, stray kafirs, rats, fowls (see Farmer’s Wife), and weavils. The staple diet of farms after three years of farming. Bank Manager.—A sceptic, or Doubting Thomas,” to whom all farmers show the greatest politness when they meet him. but about whom they strain their vocabulary behind his back. His sole work is to listen to fairy stories. (See Overdraft.) , , . . . . Cow. —A female bovine animal used chiefly to decorate a farm. An enthusiastic collector of ticks and has a voracious appetite if kept alive by copious inoculations. Has been known to produce milk and an occasional bull calf. Bull.—A cow’s husband. Work. —An abstract quantity. Tha* which is supposed to he done. That which should be done. That which is not done. The chief topic of conversation between farmers when they meet on Saturdays and what they spend their time thinking about all the rest of the week. Farmer’s Wife—A female helpmeet. One who is under the impression that the farm is run solely to keep a few fowls alive, and to grow flowers for the sitting room. One who employs all the farm labour- on the kitchen garden. A fruitful source of rebates on the income —An incurable optimist. The source of the country’s income, and also of everyone in it but himself. Income' Tax. —A trophy of the income. A full statement of a farmer’s outgoings, made out annually on numerous sheets of paper. *A return giving the correct number of wives, children, dependents, and life insurance policies. No postage stamp is required, as the place for it.is reserved for a complete statement of incomings. Arable Lauds. —That portion of a farm which is- unsuitable for grazing, and which is used chiefly to exercise oxen. A burial place for bolts and nuts, oil cans, and spanners. A place where ‘ ten bags to the acre ” will be grown next J< Next Year. —One of the chief reasons why farmers keep on farming, '.’he good time coming, which, like to-morrow, never eomes. Auctioneer. —One. who sells something to a farmer for £2O, and then sells it for him for £5. A dispenser of marvellous bargains, splendid propositions, and grand opportunities. His chief occupation is teaching ladies to wink. Wool Pack.—A receptacle for cannon balls, millstones, old iron, burr-weed, kraal manure, mutton, and wool. Sometimes filled with hay and conspicuously marked by farmers who send a, wagon load around the town when credit is bad.