FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 3195, 9 June 1915, Page 67

FUN AND FANCY.

—To be famous is to have the world know what you ate for breakfast yesterday morning.' - —"‘So Jack is engaged, is he? And is * Fanny the bride-to-be“No; she’s tho tried-to-be.”

“Docs your husband play cards for money?” “I don’t think so. But those who play with him do.” —", Wlicn a tramp comes around your suburban home I suppose you heap coals of fire on his head.” No; 1 merely point to the wood pile.” Jhones-. “A wife is an expensive luxury.” Blanche: “So is a motor car.” Jhones: “Yes; but you can get a new model every year.” , “ Which would you rather be, my boy, Napoleon or Emperor William?” “Emperor William, of course.” “Yes; but why?” “’Cause ho ain’t dead.” —“ He is my ideal and I’m his idol,” said the girl. “And your love affair?” “Is an idyll.” “And your fia'hce?” “He’s idle, according to papa !” —“ I wonder why Jones whistles so much.” “ Probably to keep up his courage. A man who whistles as badly as he docs is in constant danger of death.”

after he was operated on for appendicitis.”

“ His must be one of those cases where tho doctor sewed up a sponge in tho interior of his patient.”

Hostess: “I sometimes wonder, Mr Highbrow, if there is anything vainer than you authors about the things you write. Highbrow: “'There is, madam; our efforts to sell them.” “Judge,” said the forewoman of the jury of ladies, “we want to speak to you about that sealed verdict we just rendered.” “Well, ladies?” “ Can we unseal it and add a postscript?” country and raise vegetables and ghickcns.” “ Not always. The chickens I raised wouldnt’ let me raise any vegetables; they razed them for me.”

than they used to be?” “I attribute it to improved ideas in building.” “ How so?” “ Shingles are scarce, and you can’t spank a bov with a tin root.”

—‘‘ Old age has its compensations.” “ Yes, indeed! Nothing can be more delightful than to sit down with some old friend and talk of how badly the friends of our youth turned out.” Tagg: “Two years ago I could have bought that valuable piece of property for a song.” Ragg: “And you couldn’t sing, eh?” Tagg: “Oh, I could sing, but I couldn’t get the right notes.” Customer; “"Waiter, do you remember me? X came in here yesterday, and ordered ja, steak.” Waiter : “ Yes, sir. Will you have the same to-day?” Customer: “Yes, if no one else is using it.” _ “How’s vacation, Johnnie?” “Bully! Fell off a shed, most got drownded, tipped over a beehive, was hooked by a cow, Jim Spindles licked me twice, an’ I got two stone bruises an’ a stiff neck !”

Do you suppose, now, Mrs Muggins, for instance, that any man ever lived who could say to his wife, ‘ You arc the only woman I ever loved’?” “ H’m! About the only one 1 can think of is Adam.” Houseman: “If I’d known you were going to drop in on us so unexpectedly we would have had a better dinner.” Horton; “Don’t mention it, old man; but next time I’ll be sure to lot you know.” Small Boy: “Good fishin’? Yessir; ye go down that private road till ye come to th’ sign, ‘Trespassers Will be Prosecuted.' cross the field with th’ bull in it, an’ you’ll see a sign, ‘No Fishing Allowed ’—that’? it.”

“Do you,” he asked, “believe in early marriage?” “Well,” she rejdied, “I used to, but I am willing to say that at present I believe ‘ better late than never ’ may be applied to marriage as well as to some other things.” ‘ Much-bedizened lady calling at hospital: “ Well, we’ll bring the car- to-morrow and take some of your patients for _ a drive. And, by the by, nurse, you might look out some with bandages that show —the last party might not have been wounded at all, as far as anybody in the streets could sec.”

of stoekin’s on that there figger of Diana,” observed Mrs Spriggins at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. “ She wouldn’t be Diana if she had stockings on,” _ suggested hereby nephew, who was showing her around. “ Who, would she be?” “Hoseanna, I guess. A grim story comes from the warder of prison. “ One morning,” says he, “ I was trying to make things as pleasant as possible for a condemned man eating his last breakfast. ‘Will you,’ I asked, ‘have some of the ham and eggs?’ ‘No,’ said the man; ‘ a couple _of eggs, maybe, but no ham; it always gives me indigestion.’ ” A little girl of seven or eight years stood before a closed gate. A gentleman passed. The little girl turned and said to him: “Will you please open this gate for me?” The gentleman did so. Then he said kindly : “ Why, my child, couldn’t you open the cate for yourself?” “Because,” said the Tittle girl demurely, “the paint’s not dry yet.” Miss Bunker—Priscilla,” ho declared bravely as lie persistently pressed his suit. “Then, sir,” replied the cold and cultured Boston girl, rising proudly to the occasion .“will you, in lieu*of that much-hackneyed negative assertion, accept my positive declination to resnond concurrently to the query propounded?” And- he did. Mother (to little boy): Oh. dent be tiresome and keep on .asking impossible questions, Percy.” Old Gentleman (slightly hard of hearing): “Don’t scold him, madam. I think, if I may say so, that it is a duty to heln children when they are trying to acquire knowledge—what is it you want to know, little man!" Little Man: “Why do dogs have tails?” Sylvia, supple and slender, and Aunt Belle bulky and benign, had returned from a shopping tour. Each had been trying to buy a readv-madc suit. When they returned home Sylvia was asked what success each had m her efforts to bo fitted. Well, said Svlvia, “I got along pretty well, but Aunt Belle is getting so fat that about all she can get. ready-made is an umbrella.” “Why don’t you advertise?” asked the editor of the Homo paper. “Don’t you believe In advertising?” “I’m ngm advertising,” replied the proprietor of the Hayville village store. “But why are you against it?” asked the editor. “It keeps a fellow too <lurn_ busy,” replied the proprietor. I advertised in a nswsnaper once about ten years ago. and 1 never even got time to go fishing.”