EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2983, 17 May 1911, Page 90

EDITOR'S WALLET.

Illuminations. "Yes," proudly observed Mr Newrioh to his actor friend, "your profession may bo a very lofty one in an artistic sense, but that "of a successful city merchant is much better. Look at me. At ithe early ago of 45 I rotarod on my fortune, and was presented by my fellow-merchants with an illuminated address. Can you boast of anything lib© that? Have you ever had an illuminated address?" "I have," replied the actor— "once. "When?" asked Mr Newrioh. "Why," replied the actor, "when my lodgings caught fire." So Mixed Up. Mrs Allcash, who has not as yat got over the novelty of riches, is not inclined to admit the fact. On the contrary, it is her great desire that the society with which sh© is now entitled to mix by virtue of her husband's wealth shall think she was born in th© purple. Recently she was at a bi~ dinner party, and as she was being piloted from drawing room to dining room she .noticed a marble bust on one of the'pillars in the hall. "Do you know who that is?" she inquired of her cavalier. "That K Marcus Aurelius,' was the answer. "Oh, is it, now?" ejaculated the lady. "Bui can you tell me," she added, "whether it is the present marquess or the late marquess? I get so mixed up with dukes and things." The Ice-cream Test. A certain boy has all the hardihood wh.irlh Polar exploration requires, if a writer is to be believed. "Tommy," askod the visitor, "what are you going to be when you grow up to be a man?" "I'm going to bo an Arctio explorer, responded* the bright little bo-'. "And now will you give mo a shilling?" "Gracious. Tommy. What do you want with a shilling?" "I want to get five ice-cream sodas and find out how much cold I can stand." The Only Way. A famous actor would never take medicine, and his medical man was often obliged to resort to stratagem to impose a dose upon him. There is a play in which the hero is sentenced to drink a cup of poison. The. actor in question was playing this dharacter one night, and had given directions to have the oup, rilled with port wine, but when he came to drink it, what was his hciaw to find it contained a dose of senna! He could not throw it away, as he bad to- hold the. goblet upside down to show his persecutors he had drained every drop of it. Our hero drank the medicine, but he never forgave his medical man, as was proved at his death, ■for he died without, paying his bill.

Qualified to IMiiit. . A farmer whose fartm is _near a school for boys was greatly annoyed by the depredations of the youngsters. Finding two of the boys helping themselves to his choice apples, he ushered them from his premises, ably assisted by tihe toe of his boot. The following day he _ found the same boys loitering in the vicinity of his orchard fence. "What a;re you young scamps hanging round hero for?" he shouted. "I told you yesterday what you'd got if I caught you on my land again." "Yes, sir, we remember," explained the spokesman. "We didn't come for apples - this time. . We came to ask you to join our football eleven." Any Oil t> Orel or. She has been married a week, but she wasn't going to show it. She had spent half the morning in scrubbing the newness off, her shopping bag, and the other half in practising a supercilious droop of the eyelids before her mirror. And she was quite surd of herself as dbe sailed into tije local General Stores. "Yes, madam?" asked the shopwalker in a voice of milk and honey. "And what can I show you?" "I want —something in oil," she demanded, "suitable for my dininjr room." "Quito so, madam —quite so," said the shopwalker* gazing- meditatively at her wedding ring. "Would you prefer floor oil, salad oil, oilcloth, oil paintings, or sardines?" When in distress. The naval class was under signal instruction, and to some of the boys in blue the instructor's voice seemed very far away indeed. "A ship in distress," he was saying through the room spaces, "has several methods by means of which she can make known her condition to other vessels or shore stations. Name one, Binks!" "The international code signal N.C." replied Binks, waking up just in time. "Right," said the instructor. "Jenks, name another." Jenks started out of a dream. "Eh?" foe eiaculated. "What would you. do if you were in distiflSSS?" repeated' the signal instructor. "Why," mumbled Jenks, '-'pawn mo watch!" . Gave Him a Job. A hawker of clothes-props was toiling along, when a policeman accosted him and said: "Here, my man, you go with me. You're hawking without a licence." The man appeared confused, and said: "If I do you'll have to carry the props." The policeman shouldered the props and marched 0| " to the station, where he stated the case before a:n inispctor, who, tuirning to' the hawker, said: "Have you a licence?" "Yes, sir; it's here." "Then why did you not show it before?" "Why, he never asked me, an' I thought ha wanted a job. And as I wanted to come this way, I gave him one."