FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2973, 8 March 1911, Page 70

FUN AND FANCY.

"Never sit in damp shoes," says Health. As a matter of fact, for years we have made it a rule never to sit in a shoe of any sort if there is a chair handy. Do you believe, sir, that the dead ever walk after death?" —"No doubt of it, ma'am. I have heard the dead march."

"What is it," asked the teacher, "that binds us together and makes us better than we are by nature?" "Corsets, sir," piped a wise little girl of eight. "Can you tell me how to prevent the water coming in?"—"l'm not a plumber, but I should say,- don't pay the water rate."

Every college hoy likes to be iaddressed as "old man," and members of the baldheaded irow always love to be called "my boy." The fun that a man gets in watching a woman sharpen a pencil in only equalled by the quiet amusement a woman experiences whilo the man is endeavouring to thread a needle. | "Honesty, my 50n," said the millionaire, "is the best policy." "Well, perhaps it is, dad," rejoined the youthful phiksophar; "but it strikes me you have done pretty well, nevertheless." I —"Don't grumble over tihe length of your lawsuit, Alice. You're sure, to win it." — "But unless it ends scon I can't fascinate the jury with a new costume every day." Johnny (aged five): "Mam/ma, I wish I had a little sister."- Mamma: "Why do you wish that, dear?" Johnny: "'Cause I'm tired of teasin' the cat." "Oh, Johnnie, Johnnie," said his aunt reproachfully, "why is it you never remember to say Thank you'?" "I expect 'cause T don't get things given to me often enough to practise," answeired the young diplomat hopefully, eyeing a box of chocolate. Ethel: "Maud has been trying to lear.n how to play golf for quite four months now." Teddy: "Is her instructor stupid?" Ethel: "No. handsome." "Young man," said the woman at the ticket office, "why don't you answer me when I ask you whether this is a moral and proper show?" "Because," answered tsha theatre manager frankly, "I'm not a good enough jud.ge of human nature to know which way to answer without losing a customer." "There," a self-satisfied "commercial" said, "that's what I think you should do in the matter! I'm not a lawyer, but this is a bit of advice that costs you nothing What do you think of it?" "Well," replied' his companion, mildly, "it's worth it!" salvation of the and lengthen our days by decades."—"But our ancestors didn't go in for golf!"—"No, sir, they did not; and where are they now ? Dead I All dead!" "See here," said the lady, "you told me that work would only cost me 13s, and hero you've sent in a bill for 145." "Yes'm," replied the carpenter. "You when I came to think the thing over I was afraid you might be superstitious about that 13s. "r

—An old man -servant, who had been found by his master to be deficient in his accounts, hiamcd the butcher for tampering with his book. The gentleman of the house remonstrated 'by saying: '-'But, Tom, figures don't lie." "No," answered the old man, "but liaa*s often figger."' —■ They were discussing a certain authoress at-dinne'r, and a well-known critic raised a laugh by -remarking, "Well, her hair's red, oven if her hooks are not." The mild young man in the corner mad© a mental note of the sally for future use, and at another dinner party shortly afterwards he carefully guided the conversation into literary channels. Fortunately, someone mentioned the desired name, and he triumphantly called out, "Well, she's got red hair, even if her books haven't." Jibsan: "Heard the news about poor Flutterby, I suppose, old fellow?" Cheokly: "No; what's happened to him?" Jibson: "Dropped dead) in a tfamcaar the day before yesterday. He always suffbred from heart disease, you know; and the doctors said any sudden shock would kill him." Cheokly: "Did be get one?" Jibsan.: "Yes, poor chap. He offered his seat to a lady, and — she thanked hiim."

"How die do? Hod influenza?" _ inquired Spiffer. "Yes," replied his - friend Spoffer. "Sorry for you, deah'boy!" remarked Spiffer. "Aw —have you—er —ihad it?" asked Spoffer. "No," answered Spiffer, somewhat surprised. "Sorry for you, deah boy!" said Spoffer. "Er—why?" asked Spiffer. "Aw —'cos you've got it to com*, don'tcheTknow. Ta-ta!" "Why did you keep that era\andi-boy so long, Jane?" asked a lady of her servant, who had just taken in a syphon of sodawater. "Please, rea'am, he waited fcir the bottle," glibly answered the damsel. "Waited for what bottle?" queried her mistress. "Please, ma'am, he wanted to know if ih>s could have 'a returned empty,' so I drawcd off the water into a jug and let him 'ave it. I dirawed it all off, ma'am !" was the reassuring reply. —"I understand," said the judge, "that you stole the watch of the doctor who had just written a prescription for you at the free dispensary. What have you to ay m this charge?" "Well, your honor." said the prison e'r, "it is true, but I found myself in a hole. His prescription said a spoonful every hour, and I had no watch." Attorney-general Wickersham. of the United States,' is being praised in Washimgrtan for a witticism at a doubtful politician's expense. Mr Wickersham, in a recent discussion, said: "What sort of a man is M'Gurk?" "M'Gu'rk?" was the resnonse. "Oh, M'Ciurk is as honest a.s the day is long." "Yes," said Mr Wickeraham. cautiously, "but the days are getting shorter now."

A dispute about precedence once arose upon a circuit between a bisihop arid a judge, and after some altercation the latter thought he should quits confound his opponent by quoting the following passage: — "For on these two hang all the law and the pVophote." "Do you not see," said the judge in triumph, "that even in this passage we are mentioned first?" "I grant you," replied the bisihop: "you hang first.'' "My darling," said a fond mother, who believied in appealing to children's tender feelings instead of punishing thorn, "if you are so naughty you will grieve mamma so that she will get ill, and have to lie in bed in a dark iccm, ardi tiai;-? nasty medicine ; and then she may die and have to be taken away out to the cemetery and be buried, and you " The child had become more solemn, but an angelic smile overspread his face at his mother's last words, end throwing his arms about her neck, -he .exclaimed, "Oh, Ijamma, and may I sit beside the coachman?"