EDITOR'S WALLET.

Otago Witness, Issue 2934, 8 June 1910, Page 108

EDITOR'S WALLET.

With the Best of Intentions. “ I‘m going over to comfort Mrs Brown.” said Mrs Jackson to her daughter Mary. “ Mr Brown hanged himself in their ,attio last night.” “ Oh, mother, don’t go! You know you alwavs say the wrong thing.” “Yes. I’m going, Mary. I’ll- just talk about the ■weather. That’s a safe enough subject.” , . . . Mrs Jackson went over on her visit ot condolence. “We have had rainy weather latelv, haven’t wo, Mrs Brown?” she sai^. “Yes.” replied the widow; “I haven’t, been able to get the week’s wash “Oh!” said Mrs Jackson, “I shouldn't think you would have any trouble. You have such a nice attic to hang things in. Quite in Sympathy. The hall resounded to -the gentle t&ptaipping of dancing shoes upon the polished floor and the swish of silken skirts as ladies of various ages' performed _ more or less graceful Terpsichorean motions. Seated together in a corner were two men. . “D’ye see that tall women with the sharp nose and the vicious-looking eye?” said the first man. “ I see her,” said his companion. “Well,” went on the first speaker, “I’ve been watching her for quite a- while. She’s always got her nose in somebody’s business. *She’s the last woman I’d marry.” The other man gazed at him with a look of admiration. “Old chap,” he said at length, “shake hands! You’ve just shown ne how strangely in sympathy we are. That lady actually is the last woman I married!” Reasonable Request. It was. a cold night. The traveller inquired' at the only hotel in the little town if he could be lodged for the night, but was informed that it was full up. “ But you must give me some sort of accommodation,” said the stranger. “ Surely you don’t want me to sleep under the starry but chilly skies?” “Well,” said the proprietor, “the best we can do is to make vou up a bed in the passage and curtain it off for you.” And so it was arranged. In the dark watches of the night the traveller awoke. A freezing draught chilled him to the bone, and the sheet which had been hung up as a partition was blowing merrily in the breeze. The traveller rose and shouted for the landlord. “ What, is it?” queried a voice from the stairhead. “ Please.” said the stranger, timidly, “ may I have a paper of pine to lock my bedroom door with?” In the Same Boat. “Who signed Magna Charta?” Thus the school inspector thunderously. The class sat mute. . . “Who signed Magna Charta?” -oared the inspector again. “ P-pkase, sir,” wailed a small boy, yclept Bill Smiff, “ it worn’t me.” The inspector snorted. The class was the most ignorant it bad ever been his lot to examine. He strode from the room, and outside met the Puddleslush schoolmistress. Angrily, he narrated the last incident. “Who d’ye say said that, sir?” queried the schoolmistress. “ William Smith,” snorted the inspector. “ Bill Smith!” repeated the scboolmarm. “ Then don’t yer believe ’im, sir.' ’E’s the biggest liar here. Yer take my word for it—’e done it!” According’ to Orders. The J.P. put on his pinoe-nez. “ This is the most disgraceful story 1 have heard in the whole of* my life!” be exclaimed, lookinig over at the prisoner. “ Do you mean- to tell me you first starved your wife and then deliberately jumped on her?” The prisoner nodded. “ And what excuse, if any, do you urge in defence of this wantonly cruel conduct?” pressed the magistrate. “ I . suffered bad from indigestion,” bridled the prisoner. “Well, and suppose you did!” roared the magistrate. “Was that any reason why you should first starve your wife, and then jump on her?” “Of course it was,” snapped back the prisoner. “ I was only followin’ doctor’s' orders. ‘ Wot you oughter do,’ ’© sez, ‘ is ter take exercise on an empty stomach.’ So I did!” The Lost Chords. Tire village concert was to be a great affair. They had the singers, they had the programme-sellers, they had the doorkeepers, and they would, doubtless, have the audience. All they needed was the piano; but that they lacked. Nor could they procure one anywhere. At last the village organiser learned that one was possessed by Farmer Hayseed,

who lived “at the top o’ the ’ill.” Forthwith, he set out with two men ,nd a van. “Take it, an’ velcome,” said Hayseed cordially. “I’ve no objection s’long as ye put ‘ Pyenner by ’Ayseed ’ ■an the programme.” They carted it away. “ An’ I wish ’em joy rf t,” murmured Mrs Hayseed, as the van disappeared from sight. “Wish ’em joy of it, repeated Hayseed. “ What d’ye mean?” “Well. I mean I only ’ope they’ll find all the notes they want,” replied the good woman. “’Cos, ye see, .when I wanted a bit o’ wire, I alius went to the old piarmer for it.” Valuable Assistance Offered. A legal practitioner not far from Calcutta received the following letter from a native' who required employment: “ Honoured Sir, —To you I would appeal Humbly for work by the Month Contrackt at the Capacity of Klerk to your office. Part 11. I am a ‘lndelible Interpreter’ (rara avis), and can be recommended by Hon. Chas. J. Levey. Part 111. BE IT KNOWN I can punctuate pursuantly and conversant it with the Algebra up to and including progressions and scales of Notation differential and integral and Trigonometry science, Etc., Etc. I hope you are not Ex Parte to the Native Klerks. Part IV. and Finale. This pen can’t spell quite kerrectly like the ‘J ’ pen, so please excuse the flourishes also. My Brother she is probationer to (a well-known solicitor). Umtata. P.S.— Was born in 1779. Please honour me with a quick reply as my Tobacco is short and the Money scarce! Your Valet do Chambre —Factotum. (Signed) . . . . Funi Join is also within my comprehension.” He Courted Defeat. A sharp-featured, f - determined little woman popped her head out of the door, and indignantly demanded the business of a bashful young man who had been hanging around the house for hours in a pitiless dowmpour of rain, hoping against hope that his adored one would invite him in. “Now, then, young feller, what do yer want here ? Tryin’ to wear the pavement out, or what?” she demanded sarcastically. “ I reckon I’ve come a-oourtin’ your daughter,” the shamefaced youth admitted. _ “Oh, ye’re after Lizzie, are yer? Then take my advice, young mian, and run away an’ lose yerself. My gal ain’t goin’ to marry a chap that ain’t courage to knock at the door an’ ax for her—not likely ! Why. when her father came a-courtin’ me an’ found the door locked, he climbed the backyard wall, strangled the bulldog, an’ knocked the old nmn silly wi’ a clump on the jaw. Then he grabbed hold of my hand an’ shoved a ring as big as a cart-wheel on my finger, and told ms that the banns were up. That’s the sort of husband I want for our Lizzie; not a shiverin’ fool that ain’t got sense to com© in out of the rain.”