A TANGLED WEB.

Otago Witness, Issue 2934, 8 June 1910, Page 97

A TANGLED WEB.

BEING THE ADVENTURES OF AN EMU RIDER, By F. D'A. C. De LTsle. [All Rights Reserved.] No. lI.—SEE THE CONQUERING HERO. The ladies were seated at breakfast. There was a certain amount of freedom about the meal that was not usually the characteristic of the ladies' seminary of Pansy" Villa, at Elstree. But this was holiday time, and only Mrs Bates, the Ihead mistress; her sister and assistant, Miss Honora Bates; her daughter, Nina Bates; and one pupil, Miss Grace Dignam, were at the breakfast table. The head mistress was a portly and decorous lady of some fifty summers ; she was a kindly and affectionate lady, and one very thoroughly calculated to govern a school for girls. Miss Honora Bates was visibly an old maid, but she would never agree to the fact. She was plainfeatured and bony, but her soul was most romantically young; a strange commentary on the vagaries of Nature. Nina Bates was .a butterfly doll—beautiful, vivacious, and brimful of fun. She was a good gir], and the apple of her mother's eye. Grace Dignam, a tall, dark-haired, grey-eyed, and queenly girl of nineteen, was a most statuesquely beautiful woman, and she was just as good morally as she was beautiful physically. Beingah orphan she was under the care of . Mrs Bates until such time as her uncle in Australia could take charge of her, or until she came of age. These four were apparently engaged" in some absorbing and very, interesting question. "Are the apartments prepared for our visitor, Honora?" asked Mrs Bates. "I trust everything is ready?" "His Tooms are quite prepared," gushed Honora with a girly giggle. "Oh, how my heart does palpitate! I am eager to welcome this Fairy Prince ; this Sir Galahad who comes to the rescue of a fair maiden. Oh, a knight of old comes out of the distant East!" "Bonora!" said Mrs Bates severely, "don't be a fool. You're old enough to know better." She was always scornfully severe with her would-be dramatic, middleaged sister. ■ "Angelina! I'm not old! And I won't grow old. My soul is stirred at the adVent of a man. A brave knight who comes to visit this home of lonely maidens." Honora simpered, and turned up her eyes ecstatically. "You're a iiice sample of a maiden," said Mrs Bates with sarcasm. "Maiden, indeed! Don't be an idiot, Honora." "Angelina! You insult me." "I do wish uncle had given us a longer notice," said Grace, quickly interposing to prevent an argument. "Such a sudden invasion is inconvenient, to say the least of it." "My dear Grace, I'm sure Mr Kalmanezer will be satisfied with his quarters. That gives me no concern," said Mrs Bates with serious face. "My only fear is that the society of simple women folk like ourselves may prove irksome to so distinguished a scholar." "Sir Galahad posseses a thousand virtues ! Be still, my enraptured soul," came from Honora Bates. "If uncle likes to invade us suddenly he will have to take, the consequences without complaining. I am very surprised at his sudden visit. I thought he was in the wilds of Australia exploring an unknown land-," remarked Grace. "I'm afraid he's • anxious about you, Gracie, dear!" said Nina Bates, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "He's afraid that awful bogey man may run away with you; so' he is coming here to take you away from him." "I do hope not, my darling Grace," said Mi's Bates anxiously. "You have been with us from your childhood, and we quite look upon you as one of our own now." "Oh, don't think of such a thing," exclaimed Grace tearfully. "I will never—never, go away from you." "Not even with the bogey man, dear?" asked Nina. "Oh. hush, Nina!" was all that Grace could find to reply, her face crimson with blushes. "We must do our best to entertain our distinguished guest. He is most learned. I see in 'Who's Who' that he is a Fellow of the Royal Anthropological Society!" "Oh, ioy! Sir Galahad will discuss race problems with me," cried Honora. "He is also a Professor of Archaeology," said Mrs Bates. "Divine!" gurgled Honora. "We'll argue on Pompeii, and Prince Charming the evudite will enlighten me on the most abtruse of Egyptian hieroglyphics." "He is an M.'A." " ' Most August!' " breathed Honora. "A D.D. ' " 'Delicious Divine' !" whispered the old maid. "An LL.D." " 'Lucid Lovely Demonstrator'!" with eoftlv indrawn breath, murmured Honora. "A 8.D." " ' Beautiful Dabster'!" "And a D.C.L.," concluded Mrs Bates. " 'Delightfully Charming Lover'!" enthused Honora with rapt look. "Honora, don't be an old fool," said her sister sharply. "I'm not old, Angelina," she replied with great indignation. "And I won't grow old!" Nina, who had been gazing out of the window, started up hurriedly, crying: "Oh, here's the telegraph boy coming to our house. Shall I get the telegram, mamma?" "Yes, dear, do." . She was out of the room like a flash of light, fluttering with palpitant youth. ''Bless me, she's overcome with excitement." exclaimed Mrs Bates. "I'm quivering like a blanc mange anyself," said Honora. "Honora, you shock me with your

levity. A woman of your advanced years ought to have more sense!" "Advanced years, indeed! How oft 91 have I told you that I'm not old ; and I won't grow old!" Nina burst into the room waving an orange-coloured envelope above her head. "It's for you, mamma. Shall I open it?" "Yes, open it; and read it to me." Nina, opened the message rapidly, and read out the contents with deliberation: " 'Dover. Mrs Bates, Elstreet. Have a whisky hot ready for me when I arrive. I'm perished with the cold. Mind it's Irish ! Abednago Mayflower Kalmanzer.' " She let the telegram drop, and stood, the picture of a quaint surprise. "Whisky hot!" exclaimed Mrs Bates, horrified. "Mind it's Irish!" gasped Honora; then, with rapture, "Oh! Ireland; home of Romance!" "Oh! I say!" exclaimed Nina pertly "What a very extraordinary message!" said Mrs Bates. "Extraordinary! It's marvellous !" cried Honora. "It seems very eccentric!" remarked Grace. ' "Oh! rapture! The f-ccentricity of a higher sphere! of a loftier soul! of a king!" murmured the soulful one. "Whisky 'hot! Well, I never!" Mrs Bates had not yet recovered from the shock. "I say, Gracie!" said Nina, "your uncle must be very advanced. He takes his whisky hot!" "I really cannot understand it. He has never in all these } r ears mentioned spirits in one of his letters!" "A mere bagatelle! Sir Galahad evidently regards it an the light of a physic, Ah! I will see that he has his whisky hot!" "I wonder if he will have a red nose?" queried Nina, with twintling eyes. "Nina, don't be flippant! It is a most serious matter," replied Mrs Bates. "He might have a nose like a tramway lamp ; but, then, it might be only indigo tion," ventured Nina again. "A 'iramway lamp! Oh! shades of the Round Table, what sacrilege!" Honora. was stricken with romantic horror. "The Australians have different customs to ours. We must be prepared for differences," urged Grace in defence of her peculiar relative. "Certainly, Gracie. Nothing shall surprise me; not even grog-blossoms and peppermint drops." "Nina, be silent," said her mother sternly. "I expected to find Mr Kalmanezer "Professor, Angelina, dear," murmured Honora, in reproachful tones. "Professor Kalmanezer, a quiet, dignified old gentleman. But now—an!' "I am sure he is," said Grace; "very staid and correct. I know from his letters. Very loving, and kind too." "Ah! Loving and kind! Good Sir Galabad!" "Very original also; and, oh! so clever," said Grace. "I hope you won't be disappointed," remarked N.ina doubtfully. "What if this originality takes the form of dipsomania?" "Oh! horrible!" Honora shuddered with sheer disgust, till her 1 head wobbled from side to side. "That Could never be. Our Prince Charming is pure! ethereal! soulful!" *-■ "Honora, don't gush," said Mrs Bates. "It's time we adorned ourselves to receive his Royal Nibs," remarked Nina. "Horror! His Royal Nibs! How awful. As if he were a glorified fountain pen!" wailed Honora. Mrs Bates touched a handbell. "I'll see what time the train arrives!" The butler entered the room. "Thomas!" "Yuss, mum." "Bring me the Bradshaw immediately.' Yuss, mum!" Then in an aside, as he quick-marched out of the room. ( "She thinks I am a bloomin' motor car!" "I never felt so nervous in my life before!" exclaimed Mrs Bates. "I'm sure I shall go into hysterics soon, if I don't faint or get palpitations before that. I'm in a state of compressed nervous intoxication!" chattered the aesthetic old maid. "As the magistrate said to the chimney sweep!" remarked the flippant little butterfly, who was bent upon turning the situation into ridicule. "Come along, Gracie; let us go and adorn ourselves." "Yes; run along, girls. Make yourselves as presentable as you can. I wish your uncle to be favourably impressed with you, Gracie, dear." "I am sure you will be delighted with uncle," said Grace, rising from the table, "in spite of that very peculiar telegram. You'll see!" "And so say all of us!" exclaimed Nina, taking her friend's arm and' making for the door. "Come along." When the young ladies had gone, Honora turned solemnly to her sister. "Angelina, may I get the—er—medicine ready for Prince Charming?" "Don't be absurd, Honora," replied Mrs Bates, "Prince Charming is an old bachelor of sixty, if he is a day! Fancy you waxing enthusiastic There's no fool like an old fool!" "I'm not old, and I won't grow old indignantly. " Angelina, dear, do—do let me be his cup-bearer; his adoring Ganymede." "Rubbish! If he saw you but once in your nightcap and curl-papers, he would call you an old hag; Sycorax, probably." "Oh! Sycorax! How utterly vile! But Angelina, dear—dear Angelina, do let me get his whisky hot!" "Yes; you may as well. We must humour him, if he does turn out eccentric. We cannot afford to quarrel with our bread and butter. Come in!" Thomas entered, in a desperate hurry. " 'Ere's the Bradshaw, mum.".

"Thank you, Thomas; you may go." "Yuss, mum." Thomas vanished as fast as he had come, muttering: "Hi'ye broken the record —for slowness!" *

"Good gracious! The train is due in a

quarter of an hour. Come, Honora, we must sec if all is in readiness." Honora rose, and raised her arms lA ecstacy, exclaiming: "He comes! Sir Galahad comes! Be still, be still, my wildly beating heart; down, little flutterer, down!" "Bah! You disgrace your old age!" exclain.ed Mrs Bates, preceding her out of the room. "Old age," indeed! I'm not old, and I. won't grow old! Ah! rapture! rapture!" and with a beatified expression on her parchment features, Honora glided out. The butler, Thomas, an old man of advanced age, and the parlour maid, Anne, ente.-ed the room, the former carrying a tray, on which were a decanter and glasses. He placed them carefully on the table, and Anne put a copper kettle on the hob, in the fireplace. Thomas surveyed the scene with a puzzled look. "Hi fails to hunderstand this 'ere caper, Miss Hanne. Hostensibly hour wisitor hie a haged professor hof himmaculate character!" Thomas was a cockney of the cockneys, and his use of the aspirate was "hawful!" "Yes, Mr Stebbings," replied Anne. "Miss Grace's uncle, I'm told. A very quiet, scientific, old gentleman." "Then who's the lotion for? Missis don't touch hit. Miss 'Onora neither! Has the sportin' papers says, we hare hat fault!'' "It may be only for show, Mr Steobings." "Show, Miss Hanne! Then W about the 'ot water? No, Miss Hanne, this is no make believe. The 'ot water his for grog, hand the grog his for some 'uman bein'. Can it be for the happroachin' huncle? Hit must be.' 'Ow hawful! The huncle from Hostralier hindulges!" "Oh, Mr Stebbings! Poor Miss Grace. It will be terrible for her." Thomas turned up his eyes, and in a sepulchral voice exclaimed: "Hawful! To ! ave 'er morrils corrupted hin 'er hearly youth by the disgustin' conduck hof ha tioplin' huncle!" "It's bad (enough when men make* beasts of themselves; but for old professors—horrid!" "Let's 'ope, Miss Hanne, as 'ow thirfgs is not what they points to. I 'ear the missus a-comin' ; let us study the sitivation from ha faindependent point o' vantage, has they says in the papers." The servants departed, and Mrs Bates, Honora, Nina, and. Grace came in together. Honora, adorned like a queen in a very girlish Directoire costume of heliotrope, was palpitating with compressed excitement. "I feel all of a flutter, Gracie, dear!" she puffed as she scanned herself once again in the mirror. "I am simply dying to see this heroic uncle of yours. How do I look? Very charming, eh? Don't you feel very anxious?" "I do, Miss Honora: very—very anxious. You do not know how much depends upon my uncle. My whole life's happiness, maybe!" Grace's eyes were brimming. "Ah. Cupid—Cupid!" said Honora, nodding her curls vigorously. "I know ; indeed, I know! Ah, me; how young I feel!" - "Honora, don't be childish. You're forty if you're a day!" exclaimed Mrs Bates. "I deny it, Angelina. Most indignantly I deny it. I feel—ahem —barely twenty! { could fly, fly, fly on the wings of love!" Honora floated across the room like a storm-stricken Indian kite. "Grace means the bogey man—l know!" said Nina, wagging her pretty little head sagaciously. "I'm not such an innocent as you all seem to imagine, for my seventeen years. Buck up, Grace, I'll battle for you. You'll find a champion in me!" "How good of you, dear. I don't think uncle would willingly cause me unhappine&s. I am sure he will not have the heart to thwart us!" "I feel sure he won't! Sir Galahad is too noble a knight to thwart a love-lcrn maiden. Nay, rather, will be assist her to find Sir Lancelot! Aye, in good sooth will he!" "Well, mamma ; have you got the Irish ready?" quoth Nina, smiling wickedly. "Nina, don't jest," answered Mrs Bates reproachfully. "I feel quite bewildered. It s time he was here." "It is." I think I hear a cab coming," said Grace. Nina darted to the window. "Hero he comes—here he comes ; here's the cab," she cried, clapping her hands wildly. "He comes!" cried Honora, lifting her eyes in rapture. "Down, harbinger of bliss; be still!" "Now, Grace, get ready to rush to the arms of the professor. I hear his rat-tat at the castle gate," said Nina. "I'm trembling all over," exclaimed Mrs "Sir Galahad approaches! Oh, rapture! And the beating of my own heart is all that I can hear!" cried Honora. Mrs Bates peeped guardedly through the door, half open, and then staggered to a chair, gasping : "L-l-look out! Oh, be careful; he's coming!" -Thomas flung the door open with a sotto voce remark to himself, "The haboriginal barticle," then in a loud, voice announced : "Professor Kalmanezer!" It would be difficult to adequately describe the young-old man who jauntily entered. He was fantastically dressed in a check Norfolk jacket and knickerbockers. A huge helmet, with a fly net all round his face, dangling from it, and a large gingham umbrella in his hand were the most notecable parts of his get-up ; though his tan shooting boots, green putties, and enormous goggles also commanded attemtion. A huge red bandanna handkerchief hung from his breast pocket, and the web foot of a duck-billed platypus adorned the side of his hat band. In his buttonhole was a piece of dead wattle blossom. He tossed the fly net over his helmet, and stook stock still in the middle of the room, gazing inquiringly round. Mrs Bates, struggling to rise, stammered: "W-welcome to Elstree!" "Which is my Grace?" exclaimed the apparition in pompous tones. Then as

' Grace took one .step forward he threw his arms open wide and 'cried, "Fly to these protecting arme, mo long lost child!" Grace buried her head on his shoulder, and he patted her paternally on the back, thinking to himself, "That's the dramatic touch all right, eh?"' After an interval he held her' at arm's length, looked her over affectionately, imprinted an avuncular kiss on her forehead, and, releasing her. said : "Come along. Who's next?" "My daughter Nina." said Mrs Bates, introducing the little butterfly. "Me daughter Nina, one chaste salute!" boomed the professor as he folded her in his arms. Then, after an embrace, he put her on one side. "Any more-going on? They're all the same price; and no extra charge if you take a quantity. Now, then, young woman, it's up to you!" He grabbed the pretty parlourmaid round the waist and smacked a resounding kiss on her cheek. "What ho! Who's next?" he exclaimed gleefully. „ "My'sister Honora!" gasped Mrs Bates, presenting the soulful old maid, who advanced, bridling. "Oh! my sainted Aunt Maria! What a dose of castor oil!" muttered the professor. "What a face to crack nuts on. Oh, well, if I must, I must; hut I'll shut my eyes!" Honora fell into his arms, exclaiming softly: "Oh, joy! oh, rapture! oh, bliss divine!"

The professor quickly relieved himself of her, saying: "It's tuppence if you're going all the way; but I think I'll drop you here'! Now' then, mother, it's your turn. Come, buss me!"

Mrs Bates had barely time for a faint shriek before she was buried in the professor's sinewy arms But he quickly released her, and, turning to the others, said playfully: , "All over again, as they say in the kindergartens. Come on, girls. Barkis is willin'." There was an immediate uproar. Mrs Bates giggled hysterically. Honora pounced on the tray, and. with whisky decanter, glass, and hot water kettle cakewalked, towards the professor. Grace and Nina were dancing round him, and he was making excited grabs at each in. turn. At the door Anne stood, flushed rosy red and giggling. Thomas, the staid old butler, gazed upon the extraordinary scene with astonished eyes, then, cramming his handkerchief to his face, cried: "Ho, hevings! Hi shall bust!" (To be continued.)