FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2934, 8 June 1910, Page 90

FUN AND FANCY.

Miss Edith?"— '% do not. But my judgment is not infaVible!" "Why worry <ubout the children? "I can't help it,"---"But, my dear, you are spoiling- your ff.'me at bridge." Teacher: " Johnny, what is a hypocrite?" Johnci;; : "A boy that comes to the school with a smile on his face." He: "But, in time ;'ou might learn to love me." She: "Life is too 6hort." She: "Waste is sinful." He: "Not always. 1 know a waist which is angelic!" The woman who can pass coldly by a - grand display of nev. spring hats and not be excited thereby is no true daughter of Eve. "My wife treats me with silent scorn!"—"Lucky dog!"—"What dv you mean?" —"My wife treats me only with scorn." . —Appearances are quite generally dc- . ceptive, but they probably deceive nobody so readily as the people who imagine they are keeping them up. Guide (in the Alps) : " At this elevation vegetation stops, 500 metres higher beer stops, and 500 higher still you'll find the last picture postal cards!" Madge: "How do you know she thinks she's pretty?" Marjorie: "She is always suggesting to the girls that they have their pictures taken in a group." "What do you think of my portrait of the mayor's wife?" —" Oh, very good—very good! The only objection to it is that there's a certain sort of resemblance." Mrs Smith : " My husband always says that I am his first thought." Mrs Jones: "From all that I hear he seems to think that second thoughts are best." "What is it,'' the superintendent asked, " that binds tis together and makes us better than we are by Nature?" " Our corsets, sir," piped a wise little girl of eight. "You certainly look better. You-must have followed mv advice and had a change."—" Yes, doctor, so I have." — "Where did yon go?"—"I went to another physician." Dr Pilman: "You needn't worry about your wife. She haiS a remarkable constitution." Henpex : " Say. doctor, you ought to see her by-laws, rules, and regulations !" ,—Harold: "What a bright girl Eva is. She seldom opens her mouth without pearls dropping therefrom." Blanche: "Where did you get that ide?,? Have her teeth been falling out again!" She: "What makes you think that Miss Giggles has such a sweet disposition?" He: " Because she is always smiling." She: "That is not her disposition; that's her new teeth." She: "What a good likeness!" He: "No, it isn't. I was not well, and I looked like an idiot that morning." She (intently studying the photograph): " Wall. it locks exactly like you, anyway." in' my hat," she said to the milliner. "Well, where will you have it?"—"As I sit next to the wall in the church, you can pat it en the side next to the congregation," was the soft reply. Little Bertie had been taught not to ask for at meals. One day poor Bertie had been forgotten, when he pathetically inquired: " Do little boys get to heaven when they are starved to death?" —" My husband is particularly liable to seasickness, captain," remarked a lady pasccnge!-. "Could you tell him what tp do in cae« of an attack?" " 'Tain't neoes-j-arv. mum," reolied the cantain; "he'll d'o it." "Young man," said the serious person, "don't 3 - ou realise that the love of jTxmey is the root of all evil?" " Well," answered the spendthrift, " you don't see me hanging on to money as if I loved it, do you?" -, "Effie," said Margie. who are laboriously spelling words from a first reader, "how can I tell which is a 'd' and which is a 'b'?" "Why," replied Sffie wisely, "the '<s' has its tummy on its back!" Mistress: "And have you any references?" Applicant: "No, mum; Oi tored '«a up!" Mistress (in surprise): " Tore them up! How foolish!" Applicant: -** Yez wudn't think so, mum, if yez had seen 'em." " —"When we are married I can learn to cook."— "Hadn't you —er —better begin practising," suggested the thrifty suitor, "while your father is yet supplying the raw material, so to speak.'' doctor said, applying a stethoscope again. "You have had some trouble with angina .pectoris.'" "You're partly right, doctor," said .the young man sheepishly—"only that isn't, her name." Winks: "Do you believe there is a man in the moon?" Jinks: "Yes. I do. And another thing, he's a Scotchman." •Winks: "How do you account for that?" Jinks: "Well, he is in the 'high lands,' 'and was born in 'Sky(e).'" Casey's wife was at the hospital, where she had undergone a serious operation a few days before. Mrs Kelley called to inquire as to Mrs Casey's condition. " Is she restin' quietly?" Mrs Kelley asked. •" No, but I am," said Casey. "Now, what is a joint?" asked the medical instructor at i, first-aid examination of boy Scouts, after he had lectured on the fractures of 'the limbs. Quick as 'thought Tommy of the eagle eye replied: : " Oors is aye a leg o' mutton." She: "Richard, why on earth are you putting your pie with a knife?" He: "Because, darling—now, understand, I'm not Ending any fault, for I know that these Jittle oversights will occur—because you forgot tf> give me> a can-opener." —Young- Husband: "I shall be away 4wo whole days, and really, Isabelle, «iu b©em to be rather glad I'm going." Young Wife: "How can I help it, Jack? This is the first chance I've had to get a letter from you since we've been married." , Reginald: " Thought your dad wasn't ffeoingi to send you back to college?" i-flArenoe: "Yes, dad l did kick at the exlse, but I threatened to. stay at home help to run the business, and he deed college would be cheaper." ', He was a nerwtiros orator, Sut ha Struggled gamely a?ong. At last the crisfs came. With his hand raised up he cried: "Depend upon it, my friends, they'll keep putting the wool off the sheep that lays Hie golden eggs until they pump it dry! ' Diner (who has been fighting with a

guttapercha steak) : " Look here, waiter, you'll have to bring me something else. I can't tackle this." Waiter (after a careful examination of the article): " I'm very sorry, sir, but I can't take it back; you've bent it." Tourist (to the old inhabitant): " Yoti don't mean to say that one can't get a daily paper here? Why, man, you can never know what is on in town." Old Inhabitant: "An' what about that? They don't know what is going on here, neither." Magistrate (to witness) : " I understand that you overheard the quarrel between defendant and his wife?" Witness: "Yes, sir." Magistrate: "Tell the court, if you can, what he seemed, to be doing." Witness: "He seemed to be doing the listenin'." "My husband and' I had an awful quarrel yesterday."—" How sad! _What was it about?" —" I found a letter in his pocket written by a woman." —"Mercv ! I don't wonder you were angry!"—"l should say so. Why, I had given it tc him to post 10 davs before." —Pa Twaddles: " Tommy, lam not at all pleased with the report your mother gives of your conduct to-day." Tommy Twaddles:' " I kr.owed' you wouldn't bo, an' I told her so. But she went right ahead and made- the report. Jest like a woman, ain't it?" you leave your last place?" Bridget: "Shure, an' the young man wuz a aftherdinner speaker." I. M.: "Why, what had that to do with it?" Bridget: "Shure, an' his afther-dinner spaeches were not to me credit at all, at all." about others, do you?"—"I should say not. Now, there's Mrs Green. She's always tellinsr mean thing about her neighbours. And Mrs Hunter talks perfectly dreadful about <her friends. Thank goodness, I never eay anything about anybody!" "John! John!" whispered Mrs Gidigley, nudging her husband. "What is it?" he sleepily asked. "There's a burglar in the house." —"What do you want me to do— get up and run the risk of being killed?"—"No; but if you find in the morning that somebody has gone through your pockets don't blame me." wife. " I see there was a woman arrested yesterday for horsewhipping her husband in the street!" " The police were quite right," rejoined the strong-minded' lady whom she wes addressing; "these painful duties should be performed in the privacy of the home." Anxious Passenger (waiting for his boat at the end of the pier): "I say, my man, is that boat going up or down?" Pier Loafer: " Well, guv'nor, I really can't say. She's a leaky old tub, so she may be goin' down. But, then, her b'ilers ain't none too good, so I shouldn't be surprised! if she suddenly went rip." Angelina: " Yes, the engagement's off. He told her she ought to give up novels and read' something more substantial—something that . would improve her." Edwin: "Well?" Angelina: "Good gracious! Don't you see? The idea of a man intimating to his fiancee that she could be improved in any way." orator, " when I see ,my country going to ruin, when I see our oppressors' hands at our throats strangling us, and the black clouds of hopelessness and despair gathering on the horizon to obliterate the golden* sun of prosperity? What, I ask, can I do?" "Sit down!" shouted the audience. Editor: "Is this your first effort?" Budding Poet: "Yes, sir. Is it worth anything to you?'_' Editor (with emotion): " It's worth a. guinea if you will promise not to write anything more for publication until after this has been printed. I want your entire output, you understand." Budding Poet: "I promise that all right. When will it be printed?" Editor: "Never while I'm alive." week," said an angry man to the salesman that stepped up to greet him, " and he said if anything broke you would supply him with new parts." " Certainly," "said the salesman. "What does he ,want?" "He wants two deltoid muscles, a couple of knee-caps, one elbow, and about half a yard of cuticle," said the man; "and lie wants them at once." Simpkins always was soft-hearted, and when it devolved upon him to break gently the news of Jorfss's drowning to the bereaved Mrs Jones, it. cost him much paper, ink, and perspiration before he sent the following:—"Dear Mrs Jones, —Your husband cannot come "home to-day, because his bathing suit was washed away. P.S.— Poor Jones was inside the suit." A schoolboy wrote an essay on oats. The chapter on different breeds supplies the following information:--" Cats "that's made for little boys and' girls to maul and tease is called Maltese cats. Some eats is known by their queer purrs—these are called Persian oats. Cats with very bad tempers is called Angorrie cats. Sometimes a very fine cat is called a Magnificat. Cats with deep foelin's is called Feline cabs." A little boy was reading a newspaper. Looking up he said': "Town councillors are called city fathers, aren't they, pa?"— "Yes, my son."—"Well, what's the difference between them and other fathers?"— "The difference is very similar. As a general thing the sons run into debt and their fathtrs have to pay, but the city fathers contract debts, and their sons and even their grandsons have to pay. That's the • difference, my son!" One evening in the household of a family all were following with close interest the reading by one of the girls of a romantic Sea tale. " The wife of the captain was the only one to escape, she being cast by the waves upon the beach of an uninhabitsd island." At this juncture the oldest brother, frequently called on to assist in certain details of his sister's toilet, exclaimed: "Merciful heaven! What did' the poor woman do? How did she ever get her dress buttoned at the back?" "The rummiest marster I ever 'ad,' : said an "old gamekeeper in a northern county, " wur t'ould Parson Sbiip. He wur as blind as a bat, he wur." "And did he go shooting?" asked one of the interested audience. " Shootin' ? Yes —he shot reg'lar. But he couldn't see, he couldn't. When anythin' rose I used to cry, 'Birds, sir!' and then I'd run behind parson, and t' dogs 'ud run behind mr, and we'd all go dancin' round behind t'culd gentleman, while he blazed away with both bar'ls."