Mirandy on the Value of a Wife.

Otago Witness, Issue 2690, 4 October 1905, Page 88

Mirandy on the Value of a Wife.

By Dorothy Dix. - "Br'et, Jenkins was down— at my house last night," Mirandy, "an' he ■was tellin'v us "how dat man whut started out so biggity to dig de canal, an' den tlirowed down his shovel when somebody come along an- shook a little bit more money at him, say. Dat de reason dat he give up his job warn't for de sake of de money, but becaze his ./ife~ didn't want io live down dere in dem fu'rrin parts wid no neighbours' 'oept de muskeeters an' de yaller fever. "An' wid dat Brer Jenkins fetches a groan _Irom de pit of his stomach, an' say as how he warn't in nowise surprised— dat Ssve lost Adam paradise, an' dat women has ■done men out of most of de snaps ever sense. "'" ' Whenever you finds trouble layin' round loose,' says he, 'dar you'll find * woman ready to -stir hit up wid' a longfeamdle broom.' _ . "' Ef ''•at's de case, 'sponds I, 'it am sho' amazin' dat men keeps on a gittin' married.' ' ; „ -. " 'De flesh is weak,* says Brer Jenkins, an* widj dat he. fetches annuder groan, caze ißr'er Jenkins'-- wife am .a' Tartar, ' an' sometimes Jiv-nTaiv acts -against his; better jxidginent,"an'j .aifyway,., you 'never -knows' how- • a weddin' is gwihe* tq, -turn out on'tell after hit's over, an' den hit's too late.' " ' Hit took me fo' years' 'speriunce wid Ike to find out why men git married,' says " "An' how does you prognosticate de information now?" axes Ur'er Jenkins. " 'De reason dat a man gits married is to git somebody to lay tilings on an' iblame .for his mistakes,' I 'sponds, an' wid idat Brer Jenkins say be reckon he" better •be movin' along, caze things was gettm' 'hot, for Brer Jenkins is kinder gin out dat de .reason dat he visits co much round wid de sisters in de chu'eb' is becaze his wife 5s such a slack cook. ',' Yassum, a- wife sho' is a handy scapegoat to have round de. house, an' I ain't sputin' de wisdom an' de convenience of a man settin' one up. She suttinly is worth her board an' keep dcs" as a excuse. Hit must be nice to have somebody around dat you can larnbbast for ev'thing dat goes wrong, whilst you takes de credit for de things dat turns out right yo'self. "Yassum, dats de way hit goes. Whenever a man gits busted in his business, he lets on dat hit's his wife's extravagance dat ju'ned him instid of his own triflingness, an' de jails is filled wid thieves dat says dey never would a mixed deyselfs up wid other folk's property, 'ceptin' deir wives led 'em on to hit, but ef any fine, personable, prosperous man is ever riz up in ~ineetin' an^ told how his wife is dome iboosted him up de ladder, dcr circumstance •ho' has slipped my mem'ry. " Yassum, dats de way de land lays. Hit sh' am. " Cose, when a gal gits married, she thinks dat she is gwine to be her husband's jjuarddeen angel, an' dat he is gwine to set tip an' throw compliments at her about de way she done uplif him, b\it hit don't take hei long to find out dat de only time she's gwine to hear : bout her influence ie when

somethin' goes wrong. Den de wife's influence conies out strong. "Yassum, dats de way it wuks. When dey passes around de hat for do missionary collection Ike say dat de reason Iks don't give nothin' is becaze I don't belie vo in de case, but when somebody axes him to line up at de bar an* have a drink, you better believe dat lie ain't a dwellin' on de fact dat I'se do president of de W.C.T.U. band in de chu'eh. Nawni, dat he ain't, an' dats whut makes me say whut I does 'bout a wife bein' a mighty handy excuse to have around convenient. "An' hit's de same way 'bout ev'ything. When, de sheriff an' de bill collector gits to hangin' round our house, Ike's mind takes to junnin' on dat silk frock dat I bought when we was fust married, an' he 'lows dat ef I hadn't been so set on de pomps an' de vanities of dis world dat we'd a had money in de bank, but he don't say narry a word about how I has always tuk in washin' to help support de family, an' he's done clean forgot all about de -'casions when, he drappad his money in a crap game. "Yassum, an' in all des© thutty years daF wese been married, he ain't got on narry a drunk dat he ain't blame me fer. Yassum, dcs as sho' as- he comes home filled xr. wid tanglefoot, he begins to cry an' -lament beeaze I done drove him to drown his sorrow in liquor. "An' when I cotch him - castin' sheep's eyes at May Jane Jones^ he say as how hit ain't his fault. Hit's mine, becaze I done ceased! to onderstand him, an' is gotten kinder cold an' onsympathetic. "Yas3um, am' hit's de same way about de chillen. As long as little Ike, an' Sairy Ann filadye Geraldime, an' Ab'r'm Lincoln an' Teddy Boosterfelt behaves deirselves an' gits de prizes in de schools, Ike goes a swellin' around a braggin' about dem, an' telling how dey took after Kir n; but when dey gits on de rampage an' is noisy an' dirtjj an' runs away from school, an' gits 'rested fer fightin' on de streets, den Ike lays jdem chillen on me, an' says hit's my faulty caze I ain't raise 'em right. "Yassum, a nfe sho' is a good thing as a standin' excuse, an' it must be mighty comfortable to have somebody dat you can lay de blame on for ev'ything dat goes wiong, instid of thinkin' dat hit's your own fault, an' dat hit wouldn't have happened ef you hadn't been such a po', measly, weak, shiftless, lazy creeter yo'self. I specks dat when a married man dies an' goes tip to de Jedgmeut Throne dat all he does is to dcs shove his wife in ahead of him to show why he left undone dem things what he ought to Have done, an' done them things whut he hadn't oughter a done, as de prar book sa-ys. "Yassum, I suttinly am sorry for dem bachelors whut ain't got no wife to lay all deir shortcomings on, ~"an' dat has to stand up an' own up to deir own faults an' failures. Dey suttinly must be lonesome."