FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2690, 4 October 1905, Page 71

FUN AND FANCY.

—First Little Girl (proudly) : "Do you know we've got a long pedigree?" Second Little Girl (scornfully) : " Why, so has our dog."

— Miss Oldblcod : "Are your family early settlers?" Mr s Newblood: "Yes; paw always pays every bill on the first of the month."

— "Do you think our Jo's inventions will work?" asked Mrs Come. "I hope bo," answered her husband; "I know well that Joe won't."

— Jack: "I declare Helen is getting prettier every day." Dick: "You only think that because every time she comes out she has an uglier bulldog." —Mr Staylate: "Dear me, what makes your dog howl- so?" '' Miss Sharp: "Oh, lie always barks like that when he thinks it's time to lock -the doors for the night."

— "Yes," said the mother of six marriageable daughters, "I am feeding my family largely on fish nowadays. Fish con- - tains phosphorus, and phosphorus, they say, — He: "I think every woman is entitled to be considered 'man's equal." She: "Well, if she is willing- "to bring herself dowi\ to his level, I don't ; see why she Bhouldn't be allowed to pose as his equal." — Customer: "This is a splendid suit of clothes you've made. I'm sure it's a credit to you." Tailor: "I'm glad you are pleased, sir, "but I hope you will re member \that, if it is a credit to me, it's ' c debit to you."

■ — A, very loquacious lady asked a friend what position he would give her were she a man. "I'd make you superintendent of a deaf and dumb asylum," was the reply. — "Why?" — " Because either the inmates ■would learn to talk or you to keep silent."

— " Music has charms to soothe a savage breast," quoted the young lady with a simper as she seated herself at -the piano. "That may be," muttered a savage bachelor, "but there are some of us in this crowd who are civilised, and deserve a little" consideration."

— "How wel' your wife plays Lady Geraldine,_ Mr Jones," said Mrs Futinit, at -the private theatricals. "T think the way she puts on that awful affected tone is just splendid! How does she manage it?" Mr ■ Jones "(with embarrassment) : " Er — she doesn't. That's natural?"

— A woman went to the police station to have them hunt for her missing husband. "What is hjs distinguishing feature?" asked the .superintendent. "A large Roman nose," she answered. "Then he won't be found," emphatically exclaimed a policeman, " for a nose of that kind never turns up." — Polite Tramp: , "Will you oblige mo with " a little.; .vinegar and a bit of ra&, madam? , c I've bruised my heel." Lady of the" House": - " I'm very. «orry, but our vinegar is all out; wouldn't a little rum do as well?" Tramp: "I don't know, madam; but . I'll try it; and — cr — never miindithe rag." '- - — "What a very pretty girl -your friend !■», -Miss' 1 - Constantina," said Dumley. " Such brighii- -eyes lind -clear -complexion one seldom sees. Hasn't she Irish blood in" her veins?"' "Oh, yes," Miss Constantina replied, "she is a true . daughter of Erin Go Bragh." "Well, all I have to say is.V added Dumley, "that Mr and Mrs Go -Bragh ought to be proud of her."

— African Explorer (spinning a yarn) : "Not very "long ago I- went oyt one day, and presently came face to face with three lions." Friend: "Weil?" - Explorer: "I fixed my gaze on the brutes, then stuck my hands in my pockets, and walked away, jwhistling an air from an opera." Friend: "And didn't the lions immediately rush at you?" Explorer: "They couldn't. It was at the Zoo."

— Mrs Homer: "T wonder where Mrs Weeds will make her home now that both of her daughters are married — with her Bon-in-law in London or with her son-in-law in Brighton?" Homer: "I don't know, I'm sure. They both want her." — " Indeed ! What dutiful sons-in-law !"— "Oh, not necessarily. The one in London •tvants her im Brighton -and the one in Brighton wants her in London."

— 'At a sale of domestic furniture in a Scottish village the auctioneer was trying to sell a number of domestic utensils, including a porridge pot. As usual, he was making a great £uss. Presently his keen eye caught a -well-known worthy, the beadle, standing at the bact ot the "crowd, and lie shouted out: "Maister MTavisli, make an offer} for this- pot ! Why; it would make a splendid kirk be:l I" " Ay," replied the beadle, "if your tongue was in it !"

'■ — "Was it no' a wonderful thing," said one -old' Scotch lady to another, "that the JJreetish were „ aye victorious over the French in battle?" "Not a bit," said the other; "dinna ye ken that the Breetish say -their prayers before gaen -into battle?" ''Aye," returned the first, "but canna the French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was, "Hoot, jabbering 'bodies — wha could understand them?"

— "Pretty? No, I won't say baby is t>i«tty," declared a young mother, "for I can speak of him impartially, even though ho is my own. and that's more than most mothers can do. He has lovely blue eyes, perfect in, sEape; hair like the morning sunshine; mouth — well, no rosebud could be sweeter : complexion divinely fair ; nose jusb too charming for anything; in fact, he's faultless ; but I won't say he's pretty." — Mrs L. Z. Letter, when she is in Paris, spends a stood deal of time in the shops of the jewellers and dealers in antiques and objects of art. On a rather dull afternoon Mrs Loiter visited a.n art shop in the Rue, de la Paix. She looked at bronzes, jewels, drawings, and other things, and finally, pointing toward a dusky corner, she said to the polite younjy salesman, "How much Is that Japanese idol over there worth?" The salesman bowed and answered, "About £00,000 francs, madam. That is the proprietor." fortune to find himself one night at a musical "party." says a biographer. In the" course of the evening's entertainment a young lady attacked a very difficult song, which" she gave with exaggerated' expression~and a great many blunders. Next to Hook safe an elderly lady, as decided an amateur in criticism as the songstress was in singing, overflowing with gushing ignoranoe and sparkling superlatives. "Oh, Mr Eook," she murmured, "don't you adore her singing? It's so full of soul!" "Well, madam," replied the famous English liumorist. "for my rjart I think there is more of the flounder than the sole about