FUN AND FANCY.

Otago Witness, Issue 2664, 5 April 1905, Page 63

FUN AND FANCY.

— A promising young man is good, but a paying one is ttill better. — There are 128,000 hairs on a man's h«ad, provided he is on good terms with his wife.

— Some girls imagine they smell orange blossoms every time a young man asks them to go to a theatre. — Ada: "Do you get much exercise?" May: "Why, yes. I have no maid, and I have a dress that buttons at the back."

— All things come to him who waits, including a bald head, false- teeth, ear trumpets, and a lot of miscellaneous troubles. —In writing up the successful career of a milkman, the reporter should avoid saying that he has reached the high-water mark of prosperity. — "Well.!" he muttered, butting his head on a landing as he fell down the lift opening, "as Mr Kipling would say: 'That is another story.' " — "After he married that rich widow she made him resign from all his clubs."' — "Poor fellow— and all he married her for was so that he could pay his club dues.'' — "Are you fond of rice?" she asked the sour-looking man. "No, lam not." he replied. "It is associated with one of the most distressing mistakes I we«s ever guilty of." — "How cruel to kill the dear little lambs," sighed a sentimental lady at a butcher's shop. "Would you rather eat them alive, nxum?" said the practical man of meat. — "No work," said the man gloomily, "and not a thing in the house to eat ! What shall we do?" "There is nothing for us to do," replied his wife, "but to take in. boarders."

— "Do you — aw — believe in the- — aw — th-eory of evolution, Miss Wise — chat we all — aw — spring from apes, don't you know?" The beautiful girl hesitated. "I never used to," she replied firmly. — Customer: "So you sell these watches ai> a pound -each? It must cost that to n-ake them." Jeweller: "It does." Customer: "Then how do you make any money?" Jeweller: "Repairing them." Once a young fellow named T8 Asked K8 if she'd be his mS. "I'm sorry to stß I'm married, ' said KS, And such was the young fellow's fB.

— Cards. — Mrs Newliwed : '"I wonder what are proper calling cards?" Mr Newliwed (absent-mindedly) : "It depends altogether on whether you think the other fellow has a good hand or is merely bluffing." — Important Part. — Lawyer : "Then, too, there will b© the court-cder's fee. "Fair Litigant (breach of promise) : "Oh. I shall do my own crying 1 .- I should never think of trusting anybody else to do that. Goodness, no." — Therapeutics: "There will bo a serum for every" disease." — "Just what do you mean by' that, doctor?"— "I mean that the time will come- when every ill which flesh is heir to may, by simple inoculation, he exchanged for some other ill. ' — Rev. Mr Timmid (who has accepted an invitation to "take a lift" on the road) : "By the way, my friend, this road is very rough. Is your load heavy?" Accommodating Driver : "Not to very, sir. I'm ccrling dynamite fo- the new aqueduct." — '"Awn, old man, how awh you? Seen Gawge lately? They tell me he has taken to the law, and is in business with his fawtner." — "Yaws, Gawge is working hard now."— "What position does he fill?"— "He sits in the outer office and makes people believe he is a client." Put roe -in niy little cell, Do not niake a. noiss. Leave a warder watching at the door. Let niy days be sweetened ~ By a round of honest toil, As they used to b© when I was in before.

— A Mis? Buchanan was once rallying her cousin, an officer, on his courage, and rashly said : "Now, Mr Harry, do you mean to tell me you can walk up to the cannon's mouth without fear?" "Yes,"' was th© prompt reply, "or a Buchanan's either." And he at once did it . — Examine* (to a class of small boys) : "If I were to offer you half an orange or two-thirds of an orange, which would you choose?'' Last Boy: "Half." Examiner (with withering sarcasm) : "But are you not aware that two-thirds is more than half?" Last Boy: "Yes. sir; but I don't like

oranges —It happened that a certain young fellow who had just arrived in Liverpool from Yorkshire knew the girl at the dairy, and in due course calle-:! upon her. "Can I see the milkmaid?" he asked. The dairyman looked scornful, and, drawing himself up, said severely : "'My milk is not made — it's from the' cow!'"

— Two faults. — She was on a visit to her native town, and remarked to an old acquaintance, "How is Mrs Tims? I haven't seen her for a long time." Old Acquaintance: "'She is haying her usual ups and downs."' Lady Visitor: "And what ma}' that be 9 " Old Acquaintance: "Oh, running up bills and running down her neighbours."

— "But your dog license has been paid for this year,"" said the department clerk. "Strange," remarked the forgetful man ; "I'm sure this string around my finger was to remind me to come here for my license." — "But it's be-pn paid ; probably by your wife, or "' *'My wife? Oh, that's it! It was my marriage license I was to got to-day."

— A young lady nursing and talking to a pet dog on an electric car had asked the conductor to stop at a certain r.oint. When lyi did so she went to the platform and there stood gesticulating with the dog on her arm. "Hurry up. miss — hurry up ! You want to get out here, don't you?" "Oh. dear, no, thank you. I only wanted to show Fido where her mother lives.""

— Spirit v. Letter. — "James," asked his motheiv as ehe was getting him ready for Sunday school, "have you forgotten that verse I taught you yesterday?" James, who had just turned six. had a memory like hi b father (and that was a very bad one — «o said James's mother). She had picked out next to the shortest verse in the Bible — "It is I ; be not afraid" — and had attempted to teach it to James, who was to repeat it when his teacher should call the class roll. "Now. Jame3. darling-, let me hear you verse," ooaxed his mother as she struggled with the last button of his waistband. James studied very hard for a second, and brightened perceptibly — he gazed sti-aighfc into his mother's eyes, and shouted triumphantly, '"'lt's me — don't git skeered!"

The Young- Barber and the Bristly

Swagger. It was a youth from way out back

Who struck the country town When times weio hard and work was slack. He'd dossed by many a lonely stack,

And begged from Smith and Brown. Though he was famished as a horse, He wore a vacant grin ; His dungarees were patched and coarse; He almost feared the local "force"

Was out to '• run him in." He swagged it past the store and pub — He feared the open way, For, oh, his boots required a riib! He felt, oh, for a shave and tub !

But how was he to pay ? The baiber saw him stagger by, Ho felt his razor fine. Thought he: "The very chap to try My hand upon, and by-and-bye

A business will be mine." H ehushed at once his careless song : " Come in and sit you down. Been on the wallaby for long? Oh, yes, your beard is rough and stiong. I shave for half a crown." " For half a crown," the swagger thought. The wabbling brush was plied , And furious the barber wrought, His razor rasped and scraped and caught, Until the lather dried. The swagger roared and broke away, He started on the run. There was the mischief then to pay, The barber brought bis man to bay,

For he was tired and done. He pinned him grimly to the ground —

" I'll shave you wet or dry (While those who yelled and trembled round Thought he is made), and says, "You're bound

Beneath niy hand to die." O horror! How the barber wrought

Upon that stubborn chin, Till Mickey Drippen, quick as thought, Leapt on him. Like a vice he caught

The hand that held a tin Of hair restorer. Far away

The moon is on the stream ; The hazy vales are vast and grey ; He waiteth for the coming day Who dreamed this fcolisfi dream. — Mitchell.

March 18, 1905.